Lucy's Blurty
 
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Below are 9 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Lucy's Blurty:

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    Friday, June 6th, 2003
    8:14 am
    The Day After Prom
    I can't believe that I'm sitting here awake at 8 in the morning typing this entry in the day after prom. Well, you can thank my father for waking me up so freaking early. To sum it all up, prom was pretty lame. I felt so out of place, it's unbelievable. I mean, it wasn't a prom. It was a competition of which girl could be the most naked. I swear, it was just not cool. It's PROM not a fucking strip show. At least have the decency to put some clothes on for once in your life. Oh well, whatever, it's not like those asses listen to me anyway. The fun part though came at the table I was sitting at with Johanna, Loca, Liz, Crystal (Liz's cousin), Manny (Liz's friend), Rey (Loca's brother) and Carol. It was so funny watching Loca, Liz and Crystal. They were hilarious. And the other fun part was doing the Cha Cha Slide. I know it sounds corny but I'll never get over seeing Johanna doing the Cha Cha Slide. LOL. I will admit though, that place was beautiful. And it was funny seeing the boys all dressed up. We really did look like BM (me, David, Richie and Andrew) but Jenelle was missing. LOL. Well, today I was hoping me, Johanna and Jenny could go hang out in the city but we'll see what happens. Hopefully it'll go down 'cuz I really don't wanna stay home.

    Current Mood: exhausted
    Current Music: Ballad For The Lost Romantics-New Found Glory
    Tuesday, June 3rd, 2003
    2:34 pm
    Pre-Prom Venting
    You know how high school kids get excited for their senior prom? Well...I'm not one of those kids. My senior prom is in two days and I know it's gonna be the worst night of my entire life. It's gonna suck so bad being in room full of people feeling up on each other, planning out their night of fun after prom, making out with their boyfriend or girlfriend while listening to hip-hop (which I don't even like). If they would play some rock for us, then the night would slightly be looking up but just my luck that I'm stuck in the ghetto. I'm going in a car with Johanna, Cindy, Tony and Gio. I don't mind that at all 'cuz Johanna is my best friend and I get along with the others. But the prom inside the place is gonna be the lamest thing ever. Cindy, Tony and Gio are gonna be off with their friends and Johanna is gonna be taken by her boyfriend. Or maybe with my luck she'll come near me with her boyfriend and he'll pick on me the whole fucking night (that annoys the shit out of me). The entire day is gonna be a disaster. I just know it. There's no point in me thinking positively when there's no bright side to it at all. UGH! I just don't wanna have prom night come. I wish I didn't have to go. I just wanna fucking avoid it. I hate being stuck with this burden of being in that school with people who pick on me because of what I look like, act like and actually like. I have to deal with them every damn day and this night is just gonna make things worse for me. Can't I just jump off the Brooklyn Bridge now?? Please? I wanna cry but I won't. I've been crying for weeks and my eyes can't take it anymore. Looks like I'll have to go to this stupid thing abd deal with the living hell I'm going to be put through.

    Current Mood: pissed off
    Current Music: Perfection Through Silence-Finch
    Sunday, June 1st, 2003
    8:24 pm
    The Meaning Behind "jadednhopeless2"
    So this is what heartbreak feels like...dammit, I wish I could've gone longer without knowing. It was perfectly fine when I had no idea what it was. But now...shit has gone down the drain. I feel like the biggest dick for even having faith in what I had hoped for. As if my family, my friends and this stupid prom I have to go to weren't enough, more problems get laid on my head. This is one that I can't solve though. It's not my place. It just is what it is. My name for this is right. I am hopeless. Things for me always go wrong. I fucking hate it. Why me? Why didn't I just leave well enough alone. Why did I have to admit to myself what it is that I really have going thru my head and in my heart? I had to be the dumbass. I HAD TO DO THE STUPID THING! DAMMIT. And they say that the teenage years are the best of your life...YEAH RIGHT! Mine sucked for the most part. Loneliness has been my best friend for years and it looks like it's gonna stay that way the rest of my pathetic little life. I've lost all hope in being happy. My friends are gonna get their happy endings, I'm not. I'm destined for failure apparently. In life, love, school. I can't do anything right. That's why no one ever took the chance on me. And 'cuz to them, I'm not good enough. I've been told that before. I'm just too much of a friend, I'm "just like one of the guys", I'm not pretty enough, I'm too fat, I love rock, blah blah blah. All words that I've heard before. All explanations I've heard before. All of them suck. I think I should just accept reality and move the fuck on but I know I won't, I'm a teenager, we never listen. Right now, all I wanna know is if I'm gonna be happy. If i'm gonna find what it is I need. I just need...assurance. I need to know if this is all gonna be worth it. But until I get that, I'll sit here with tears in my eyes, holding back the things I should've held back from the start and trying not to fall apart...but I think that process has already begun.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Stupid Girl-Cold
    Wednesday, May 28th, 2003
    8:15 pm
    To My Girls LOL
    What would I do without my friends? I don't even know where I'd be. I don't think I wanna know. Lost, confused, crazier, dead? Who knows? They're the reason that I go to school everyday, to see them and talk to them. I swear, they keep me so happy. I never say it enough to them, I think I should start. They're better than anyone I could turn out to be and I mean that about my closest friends (Johanna, Jenny, Loca yeah u Loca lol, Kristy and Kathy). They don't know it but it's true. I love them so much for it. I have some amazing friends. I don't even know why I'm talking about this but I just feel the need to. Anyways, I love them LOL.

    Current Mood: moody
    Current Music: 6 to 8-AFI
    Monday, May 26th, 2003
    5:06 pm
    Heartbroken
    It looks like the guy I wanna be with more than anything in the world is slipping through my fingers. ::sigh:: God, I hate this. I wish I never felt like this. UGH! It's so frustrating to feel like this, I just wanna cry. I can't though. It's like, something is stopping me from crying and I have NO idea what it is. I never know anything do I? I just want answers for once in my fucking life. Sitting here waiting for him to come around isn't helping me, even though I'd do it forever. I just need a fucking life. I need for him to make me hate him 'cuz I...I don't even know. I'm just gonna not finish that sentence before I say something I'll regret or something that'll piss Johanna off if she reads this. I just hate how every fucking time I look at the kid, how I feel gets worse and worse. IT REALLY FUCKING SUCKS! And it sucks even more b/c I know I'll never get him. I know it. I hope that what I'm saying is wrong but that hope that I live off of everyday, that I go through my day with, that I thrive off of when I look at him is really, really, really tiny. I swear it haunts me too. I don't even know why I have hope. I'm waiting for something to happen that never will happen. I'm a fucking dreamer and that's all this is...a stupid dream. A childish dream that's never gonna come true. Right now, that dream needs to disappear so I can regain some of my sanity. 'Cuz if I keep on with this love thing, I'm gonna explode into waterfalls of fucking tears. And I've had to cry a lot of those lately, I don't think I can cry anymore tears.

    Current Mood: frustrated
    Current Music: Change-Good Charlotte and Dead On Arrival-Fall Out Boy
    Friday, May 23rd, 2003
    6:10 am
    Silence In The Hallway
    Yesterday we put up a wall for my friend at school. The hallway was filled with seniors that refused to go to class so they could help put it up. I stayed there myself a couple of periods. It was so sad to see because there was just silence most of the time. Everybody was so sad, people cried occasionally and when his closest friends came to sign around his picture, it was the saddest thing I've seen in a long time. Maybe the saddest thing I've ever seen. When I signed the wall, I put this:

    To Antoine:
    Okay kid,
    I know you're doing one of two things right now...either making someone laugh with one of your crazy stories or singing your heart out. Well, whatever you're doing and wherever you are, I know I'm gonna miss you...and your crazy stories. You were a really funny kid and I know I'll never forget you. You are now and forever the funniest kid I've ever met.
    Love, Lucy

    It was hard to write that. But I did it. We don't know when his funeral will be but when we find out I think a lot of people are gonna show up. Maybe while he's in heaven, he'll realize that we appreciate him. Maybe he'll laugh in realization that we did care and we always will care. Well, I know that it's gonna hit me at the funeral. That he's gone. I just really have to prepare for that day. It's gonna be one of the hardest days of my life. I feel a lot better than what I did before though. We were all talking about the things my friend used to do. His crazy jokes, his stories. His Titanic poem is priceless though. LOL. God, typical Antoine. We put up some of his work and it's really funny. That made me feel better. So, I'll just keep on thinking about the funny stuff when I'm sad about it. Then I can prove to him that he did do his job...he made everyone feel good and smile. Funny, how he does that even now.

    Current Mood: okay
    Current Music: Cheer Up Emo Kid- Patent Pending
    Wednesday, May 21st, 2003
    12:50 pm
    Okay...this is really hard for me to say...but...one of the kids I know from school died today. I'm in a state of disbelief I guess you could say. It hasn't really sunk into my head that he's gone, that I'll never see him clowning around in the hallway, that I'll never hear him sing again, that I'll never hear him say "Yeah, go rock girl. I'm into that KoRn shit too" and that I'll never get to say hi to him again. People thought he was hopeless, a lost case, that there was no helping that kid. But the truth is apparently, he wasn't meant to be helped but he wasn't hopeless. He made more people laugh than anyone I know. I..seriously...don't know what else to say but I will leave this entry with the perfect song to describe my friend.

    Poetic Tragedy- The Used
    the cup is not half empty as pescimists say
    as far as he's sees nothings left in the cup
    a whole cup full of nothing for him to induldge
    since the voice of ambition has long since been shut up

    a singer, a writer, he's not dreaming now of going nowhere
    he gave heed to nothing, and all that he was....
    is just a tragedy

    so he voyages in circles
    succeeds getting nowhere
    and submits to the substance
    that first got him there

    than in violent, frustration he cries out to God or just no one
    is there a point to this madness and all that he was....
    is just a tragedy

    he feels alone
    his heart in his hand
    he's alone
    he feels alone
    I feel....

    then on that last day he breaks
    and he stood tall
    and he yelled... and he takes his life

    Current Mood: sad
    Current Music: Sonny- New Found Glory
    6:22 am
    The Power of Just One Person
    I'm sitting here with a million thoughts running in my head. I'm thinking about my life and stuff. I guess that's what happens when life itself reminds you that one day, it'll be over. It will be gone and there's no turning back once your time is up. It's a real kick in the ass for life to remind you that you're not invincible. Definitely a rude awakening. Funny, I realize this at the last minute, in the 11th hour. I just can't believe that the things that me and over 150 kids have to deal with right now are happening. This is the first time in a long time where all we have is each other whether we like it or not, whether we like each other or not. It's the first time in a couple of years that we're all in this together. It has all our heads spinning. All because the last person that we expected to put all of us together again and leave an impact on all of us actually did. If he turns out okay, if he is able to make his return the same as he was or even as a totally different person, he should know that there are people who appreciate him. We may not show we appreciate him but we do because not everybody is ignorant. Not everybody is the same. There are people who pay attention and acknowledge his existence. But if that existence is to end...he'll still be appreciated, by the same people who always did for the things that he gave to us. And nobody...not the ignorant, not the impatient, not the immature...nobody will take that away from us...or him.

    Current Mood: nostalgic
    Current Music: The Young And The Hopeless video- Good Charlotte
    Monday, May 19th, 2003
    5:13 pm
    My Heart Bared To The World
    So...here I am, a kid in high school, with a ton of friends, a lot of luck and I still feel lonely. How sad is that? You know how people say that, the most painful thing to do is love someone who doesn't love you back? Well, I know what they mean now. It's sad, I know but it's how I feel. And no one can take that away from me. It's not like the kid is being mean in not loving me back, he doesn't even know that I care that much. I know I don't stand a chance with him, I never did and never will but...there's still that TINIEST bit of hope in me that he'll come rescue me. That sooner or later he's gonna come into my door and save me from the place that I live. Why would I want to be saved? Because I don't belong here. Johanna understands what I mean. She feels it too and she's waiting for her own Superman to come save her from the hellhole she doesn't deserve living in. She's waiting for him to prove that things will be okay. Just like I'm waiting. Jesus, this is really insane. I know I'm not the only kid in the world who feels like this about someone. And I know I'm not the only one who cares about this kid but...I don't know. I don't care if all of the things I feel turn this into something with him because right now, I'm at the point where loving him this much is enough. I don't need to fall in love, and if he doesn't feel the same way about me then it's okay because loving him is enough for me. Besides, everything happens for a reason, right? And if that reason is for his happiness then I'm all for it. I could hold it if it's for his own good...if that's the case I could hold it in forever. Well, it looks like I will. I just hope that whoever does get him realizes what a damn lucky woman she is.

    Current Mood: thoughtful
    Current Music: Jaded (These Years)-Mest featuring Benji Madden
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