3:35AM - Humilier public de me...
Mike, I'm sorry if the things I said about you were upsetting in any way. I didn't mean any of it in a bad way. I guess you have to understand the things I've gone through & the way I am.
What you didn't see was a private post I wrote about you, maybe I'll show you later. I dont even know if you're reading this or not but I'm doing it anyways.
Mike, dear...in the last few weeks you dont know what a boon you've been to me. Even though I had the image in my mind that we were nothing more than "friends"...you were, ARE, still part of my solace. Crap I'm getting all weepy. AN-y-ways. Over the last few weeks...shit has been really difficult for me. Really difficult. Things have changed in such a huge way that I found myself wondering exactly how much I wanted to live. But see, going over & spending time with you was my escape. My peace from everything else...you are like a little Vacation with a very nice ass. Heh.
You made me smile all the time & feel pretty damned good about myself when nothing else made me happy, especially me.
The reason WHY I said it wasn't going to progress past being your cuddle slut is because well...for some reason, for me, once it passes that stage it turns into a huge horrible mess where everyone feels like shit all the time & I didn't want you to be a part of that. I didn't want you to be included in my mess. I wanted you to be included in what I feel is very special to me.
Plus...really, I'm not used to guys treating me the way you do...I'm not. Maybe it freaked me out? Yeah it did kind of freak me out. Because well, you're awesome. Really, you are everything Mia said you are. You are a GOOD GUY! Good guys are fucking impossible to find these days & that's why I told myself, if it's just sex & no feelings...maybe you would stick around for a while. It just seem slike every time I put feelings on the line...I get fucked over & I'm hurt...all the time.
I know this sounds silly but I NEED you, I need this...it means alot to me. You're so much different than anyone else I've come across & it really makes me feel horrible that I said what I said about you in this stupid goddamn journal & you didn't like it. I'm forever sorry that I typed the words that shocked yout he most. I am. I really truly deep down am. I wouldn't be crying right now if I wasn't. You're very special to me. Even if I made it sound like you weren't, you are. You've been my sanity & my saviour since the first time we kissed...and I'm a dumbass for making it look otherwise.
I know you told me not to worry about it...here I am, hours after we stopped talking...worrying about it. It's what I do. Over-analyze & worry. But I'm saying it anyways because it needs to be said & I'm saying SOME of it here because I've given people the wrong idea. Maybe if you would have read back a bunch of entries & seen how I was before you came around, you might understand. You might not. I dont know.
I'm just a kid, like you said. I do dumb stuff. I say dumb things. I'm unclear, I hold things back. I kept myself from saying all these things earlier because well...London read this....I didn't want to upset him either. I quite honestly didn't expect this reaction from you but I really am happy that you dont hate my guts out with a spoon or anything. That's my one solace right now. That maybe I can fix what I've fucked up.
I should get going now...so I dont sleep all day, Kelly will be mad if I dont help her with laundry in the morning.
Just...please, remember that every time anything went wrong, I wished I was over at your place...being a dipshit on your couch, watching you sing, laughing....just having a good time. An honest to god good time with someone. I dont have that very often & I usually want to go home 15 minutes after I get to whoever's house I'm going to. But you're different & I revel in it. It amazes me sometimes how...unlike anyone you are.
So I'm sorry...I'll buy you flowers & make you dinner maybe? Something to make up for me being stupid...I'm going to hope that I can come see you tomorrow sometime, when I get done with what I have to do here, so that we can talk. Sorry....
guilty
amused