12:12PM - anche se li odio così tanto, ti amo alla morte, virgo stupid
Shawn called me today. YAY! I miss Shawn & his neverending pearls of stuff that he says that makes sense sometimes.
I also threw myself into a tizzy last night, got hysterical, wondered where I could get enough sleeping pills to make it permanant. Silly me...wondered about it for oh I dont know, at least an hour.
Just a thought, please no one panick. Thanks.
I get moneys today...sweet delicious money. I'm pondering a tatt. But, I only get $100. Unless I clean the fuck out of the house in hopes that Dad will give me my allowance as well, so I can at least get a dub sack. It's kind of sad how I cancel all this cool shit out so I can buy weed. Hrm, bit of an addict? Hehe
Someone would have to come with me though...I'm so skeered of needles & it would really help if I was so stoned that I didn't care. Maybe I could go back out to Don's & get another one of those nifty pills that his roomie gave me. Oh yes, like Paxil, only stronger.
I dont remember what they were called, but I took the pill before I was supposed to go to Grandma & Grandpa's place to pick up my yearly "love us" bribe. I managed to go through all of his speeches without getting really pissed off, or snapping back at him. I'm wondering if Dad noticed that...I didn't even freak out on the way home & smoke a pack of cigs like I usually do. Hm, maybe I should get the name & talk to a Doctor about that...not mention Don's roomy or anything, just say I flipped out & someone gave me one & it really helped alot in a very stressful sitchyaytion...yeah *ponder* maybe I should...
*sigh* My Dentist appointment is creeping up on me slowly...I dont WANNA GO!
Fuck...Chris came into the same chat room I was in last night & just...lurked. It freaked me the fuck out. I wanted to make a ton of snide ass comments about him but I didn't. Maybe I should have.
Wait, eh who the fuck cares anymore. He's a lousy worthless shithead anyways. Gonna purge my brain one of these days so I dont give a shit anymore. I really shouldn't.
Like last night, I freaked out because...I realized that maybe I'm in love with someone, who never even had the slightest inclination...someone who I was head over heels with, who only used me & fooled me...like all the rest. Now he's hurting & I want to laugh at him, but I CAN'T...I just can't, because I think I love him & he wont ever love me back, or see me as anything more than a hole in the wall. It sucks. No it aint Chris either. It's someone else.
I wrote like 3 pages about this last night in my Mental Meanderings book, tear stained pages. Fuck, I hate you for never loving me. I hate you for loving her instead, now you're in so much pain & I fucking love you stupid assface. I wish you'd just die. I wish I had never met you.
Je serais celui, pour vous maintenir, vous embrasse ainsi dur, je prendrai votre souffle parti, et après que j'essuie loin les larmes, ferme juste vos yeux...
Fuck, I fucking love you you stupid son of a bitch & you wont ever love me back. I still think about you all the time, I still get teary over chocolate brownie ice cream, I still read your blog, I think about all the bullshit & the hurt you put me through & I *still* want you. Fuck, fuck you. I could scream it a million times to the stars that I hate you & you raked the very bottom of my soul & made me hollow.
You, you did this to me & made me love you.
Grarr!!!!
I dont ever want to dance this dance again. I dont want to be anywhere anymore. I am nothing to everyone & I hate it so much...the one person I still get sick over...wont ever feel the same for me. You'd be settling to accept my love & you shouldn't do that. Ever. If you ever touch me again I'll rip your hands off because I know you wont mean it. Just...stay away from me. You never cared that you hurt me, ever. You fooled me & went on your way without a word of regret. No apology. You stupid bastard. But you care that you hurt her. Not me, you never cared that you made me cry & hate & hurt & bleed...you never cared. Sucka fool...I'd slash your throat, but I dont think I could live with myself after that. I'm sorry...so sorry.
I hate you, I love you, I wish you would have never met me...I wish I had never let you touch me, I wish you would touch me again. You confound me. Goddamnit.
awake
accomplished