2:51AM - MEH!
I dont *feel* good. What the HELL is wrong with me? *cries* my head hurts, my womany place hurts. I'm just in a World of pain. Someone PLEASE give me pain pills!!!!!
I have officially overdosed on acetominophen. My liver is probably going to start hurting as well, cos that is my luck. I should have *never* stopped taking my fuckin birth control. I'm going to PP later this week, when I'm done being ill & getting back on the effin pill. This is BULLSHIT man...I should *not* feel like this during my glorious phase of being a woman. Stupid womany phase.
I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to lie in the corner & pray for that comet I always pray for. One of these days, it might actually come. Never hurts to ask you know.
Even smoking bowls doesn't help. I should talk to my Doctor about feeling this ill during the rag...I dont think that it's supposed to be this bad. Histerectomy here I come? Har I wish.
Where is Emo, he was supposed to be on tonight. *sob* My day just keeps getting worse! Well, besides my brief visit to Manda's. Why do I get the feeling that her dealer doesn't like me? He should, I give him money, even when collections is on my ass for a cd that I never wanted in the first place. WTF, Kylie Minouge?! NO! I did not want that cd.
I did not want it in a box, I did not want it, WHAT A SHOCK! I do not like Kylie O CD company, please make collections leave me be.
Look, I'm deep!
Fuck...I'm in such a weird mood. I should just go drink some Thera-flu & go back to bed. Today I slept from...
6 am to noon, then I went back to bed at noon & slept until 3 or 4. Got up long enough to talk to Colleen from Target & schedule an interview *sweet jesus*. Left Amanda's at 9, went straight to bed & got up at 2. That is...15 hours, at least. I still feel like ass though. Fuck, make it stop...
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY...MY AY-NUS IS BLEEEEEEEDING!!!!! Well, not my anus, but you know.
Anyways, being ill makes me weirder than normal. I think I'm going to shut up before I frighten everyone.
Current mood: 
nauseated
Current music: *clik*clik* of my keyboard & the snoring of my dog
2:05PM - DUDE!...man....fuck...lol
Ha I am *so* stoned right now! Dropkick Murphys ROCK when yer all baked & whatnot. Fuckin...G-funk, my dearest whitest nigga homie for reezy brought me a BROWNIE! Goddamn thing was as big as my fist. He called earlier & I was in tears cos yeah...nasty cramps. So he says he has to go & 20 minutes later, he's at my door with a pot brownie & some beer. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW He's such a sweetheart! He came out from Sandy. That's like...far & junk.
Whats up with this...guys being nice to me thing? It's like "woah" One day, I'm like shunned by every guy but the assholes, and the next day BAM! Hey look...bitches EV-UR-EE-where!
OH Mitchaaaaaaaaaaay talked to me last night. He said he missed my czechseyness. LOL punny huh? MmMm Mitchaaaaaay...so...fine....it...hurts...........*pant* oh the hotness....sweet jesus THE HOTNESS!!!!!!
I could go on for hours, really I CAN, I did it at Amanda's I think...or maybe it was at someone elses house, but anyways. Yes I went on about the fineness for a *very* long time & the person who had to listen to me must have been very close to suicide. I'm not like obsessed or nothin Mwahaha
Fuck yeah, I'm so stoned.
ANYWAYS...gonna go um, do stuff.
Current mood: 
high
Current music: Dropkick Murphys - Heroes From Our Past
8:20PM - Mes Imaginations
Who is he? This one who comes to me in my Meditations, my Trances? Incubi? Fae Love? Consort? Delusion of Longing?
He has no name, he has no face. I do not know him but for the feel of him against me, the rush of warm breath in my hair. Floating in the Blue that is between sleep & awareness, he comes to me.
My face is covered in tiny kisses & fingers are run through my hair. He murmers to me in a language I do not know. I feel him staring at me, that tingling...
He sings songs to me, tells me stories, chirping & fawning over me.
I feel him, sometimes at night...not often. Laying next to me, simply breathing me in, lips upon my shoulders, hands entangled in mine. I wonder...if this is just my imagination, if I am going crazy, just collective thoughts stemming from my hopes? Is this some form of what I've conjured in my mind of that which I cannot have? A form of my perfection?
Cest Impossible...
I know nothing of him...what he is...even if it is just a delusion, it's my delusion, such a beautiful thing. I dare not block it out for fear of the unknown, it is too much to let go.
Always, he is holding me when he comes...nothing beyond sweet strokes & soft kisses. My dream, my heart...sometimes my only reason to get out of bed & believe in something.
I have found beauty, simplicity, what is so desperately sought...even if it is in my own imagination.
He only comes around once in a great while, breaking into my thoughts for a few moments. I'd think daily visits would truly drive me mad for the lack of real...
On rare occasions he stays by me all night, I wake often...fearing I'm alone, sometimes he is still there, ready to speak me softly into sleep so velvet & rich.
Mon Impossible, Le Souffle De Mon Âme, Mon Rêve, Ma Mort, Ma Folie...A sweet promise God will never grant.
It rakes me to the core sometimes, makes me wonder about my sanity. But when he comes, I no longer care either way.
My own personal Angel I think...sometimes. I wonder if...I ever find someone, will he come back?
Will the fullfillment in the physical comes along, will I no longer require him?
I think though...I would always require him, he is a piece of my sanity, what little is left. With the lack of emotions that surrounds me, sometimes he is all I have. When I feel so empty, I should float away...he fills me with the feelings I've longed for from others. When I feel there is no more faith to be had, he shows me his soul...it covers me, a shift of warmth...I find myself. Sometimes I think...to please me, he shows a face of the boys I've never been able to attain, Adam most often, his long black hair falling in his pale face.
It's so strange...all the potions & sachets & baths I've made for myself, asking for this in real life, am I asking for the impossible? Am I conjuring this?
Are my meditations to the Fey bringing him to me?
Is there ever any way to truly understand him...so many question pool in my mind & swirl furiously.
I know I should not analyze this...I should only enjoy what has come to me. My blessing, even if I wander the Earth alone, never finding someone, he would always be here for me.
Still I long for someone real...as humans are apt to do.
On a Lighter Note
Kevin Smith *hearts* LL Cool J PAHAHAHAHAHAHA
There...for any of you who truly doubted me. NEENER!
Current mood: 
relaxed
Current music: Beethovens 5th