10:52AM
Why do these people insist on making things so HARD?! If it was up to me, these stupid girls would have been gone a very LONG time ago. But...I'm not allowed to deal with this.
One, he has nothing in common with, he hasn't even met her yet. He said that he had gotten over the whole attachment thing with her, that he thought it a bad idea to be with her. He can't even BE with her until she gets out of jail.
The other...is just a manipulative drama queen who lies & whines to get her way. I know she does, I can hear her annoying little voice when she calls....telling him all this stuff, making him think that he's horrid & feel ashamed of himself.
Still, I want to stick around...and hope he has a realization that the only person who is causing him so much pain is himself. I.E. he can't & wont simply tell them what needs to be said. This isn't a situation where everyone will walk away happy. Feelings have to be hurt. I'm starting to think that maybe I should just walk away from it all....forget. I really dont want to. I'd rather stay & prove myself & prove that *I* am here, for whatever...
The old habits however, scream & howl...claw at my mind & tell me I should go, that this will never come out right, that everything is wrong & I wont ever have a chance. But if I go, what chance will I have then? What will I have to attain by leaving...how will it benifit me, make me happy. I know it wont. I'm happy here, despite all the shit, set that all aside for a moment & I focus on the main thing. There is someone who....needs someone, and I'd like to be that someone he needs...more so than ever. All I want to do is grab him & hold him & throw the fucking phone against the wall, other people's feelings be damned. But that's selfish of me. I'm not going to plead my position...I'm not going to beg, cry, plead...I told him the other night...that I wont do that. All I can do is offer him myself, take it or leave it & I'll deal with it. I'm just so worried that he wont choose me...that he'd rather spend his time with either a little girl, or someone he has nothing in common with, other than the need for compainionship. But, it is not my choice to make, I can do nothing about this. I will not call 6 times a day to cry about how hurt I am, as much as I want to. I refuse to do so. This is not a situation that requires guilt tripping. That's for the others to do.
All I can do is sit back & hope he realizes that. I've really said all that can be said now. I've made my feelings clear. I told him simply, all I am offering him is love, place it where he wants, do with it what he wants...nothing more, nothing less. But you know males & the "l" word. That's a big no no.
Still...it had to be said. Now all I can do is hope & pray that he sees what I see...
Someone should just fucking shoot me.
Current mood: 
numb
Current music: The Cure--Jupiter Crash
1:55PM - My Empire of Dirt
I'm home. I would kiss the carpet, but it's dirty. Home sweet fucking home. No pain, no anguish, no little girls, no cringing when the phone rings. I can sit in the corner all fucking day & bawl my eyes out & not have to worry about anyone giving a shit.
So, I have no boyfriend, I have no smokes, I have nothing but this half empty glass of Diet Pepsi & new cds to slobber on. New cds that Chris made me...Chris's cds...
As soon as I stepped in the door I ran to my room, ripped all his clothes off, got in the tub & scrubbed until I thought my skin was going to bleed & then brushed what little remnants of him out of my mouth.
I feel like running, hiding, I dont want to face this...but I have to in order to make myself clear I think. I am a *very* faithful person. Once I find what I want, I tend to keep it for a very long time...but what do you do when the thing you want, doesn't want you back?
I can't do a damned thing. I want to fly into a rage, make him hate me...I want to hate him, so I dont have this hollow feeling anymore.
I want to call Ric & get some real tweak & just...snort myself to death. The life where my only concern is where I'm going to get my next bag from...old ways. Something regular...
Something CERTAIN, that's all I want...I want assurance, I want to know that I'm not doing this all in vain. I want a thank you, a you matter to me, something, anything...where am I placed in all of this? The lower ranks, just because he's known them longer? Not because of anything else...
Should I just throw my hands up in the air & call London, or Duane, or Travis? Apologize for ignoring them...for someone, who I'm not even sure will want me back?
Settle for someone I know wants me, but I dont really lean torwards them? Is that what I'm supposed to do?!
I can either, sit here & rot away...waiting for a decision that may or may not be in my favor, or I can break my promises, leave, never look back...& forget
Or I can build up an immense amount of loathing & start playing head games with Chris, since he seems to enjoy the ones the other girls play. I can be catty, I can put a guilt trip on him, I can make him HURT, I can make him suffer & hate himself...I can do all that, but I choose not to. I keep my mouth shut & I play this the nice way. I tolorate the others, I tolorate not knowing...because I am being unconditional here. I dont want to hurt him any more than he wants to hurt me...but the thought is just so tempting...to rip out his heart
Make him suffer, feel what I feel...hurt, rip, maim...damage...
But, I wont. It is my choice to walk down this path & destroying it as I go along isn't going to be any better than what I've done before.
I'll just destroy myself & hope to God that he'll be there to help me rebuild when this is all over...
Current mood: 
drained
Current music: Filter--Hey Man Nice Shot