2:48AM - Hurm.
So today was a big day. I cleaned out the upstairs so we could set up our fancy shmancy new computer system. Holy crap...the moniter is HUGE! No wonder the damned thing cost so much. I just cant wait to get my hands on the scanner & the cd burner. Oh yes...there will be much music for me to download. *slobber*
Yeah, anyways more on my so called romantical life.
I met a guy I went to school with. We went out. Saw a movie. Sucked some face. Called him the next day, told me he couldn't hang anymore...get this...BECAUSE HE WANTS TO DATE SOMEONE OVER THE INTERNET!!!!
*cough* fucking STUPID males. I swear. Ugh. So, screw him. I hope she's a fucking lardass with lots of acne & she stalks him. Yessss then he will be sorry. HAHAHAHAHAHA! *raises her hands to the sky* THEY WILL RUE THE DAY THAT THEY CHANGED THIER MINDS!!!!!!!!!
Heh.
So basically, I can hide out upstairs now. No one can bug me. I only have to come down to eat, drink, & shower. I've already found a hidey hole for smoke supplies & whatnot.
I guess I'm styaing in Oregon now. My plans fell through. Somethin bad happened to my Uncle, & he needs to move more than me. I'll just wait until my depression hole gets larger & more difficult to crawl out of, then I'll just shoot myself in the head & leave a nasty note.
Or you know, do it the hard way & get a shitty job & work my way into the grave. But that takes longer.
Mom is here again...annoying the fuck out of me as usual. Asking me why I dont have a boyfriend & accusing me of having suicidal tendancies. Gah! She looks at me with pity practically leaking from her pores, thinking I'm going to actually kill myself. HA! I wouldn't give the World the pleasure. I plan on living as loooong as I can, because I know that will piss some people off. Muahahahaha!
Yeah so, here I am, on the new machine. With fuckin tool stuck in my head, wishing I was having sex with someone. Life sucks.
Sorry Rach! *bows & kisses yer toes* next time we'll do something, even if I have to be drugged & netted. We WILL hang out!
Current mood: 
complacent
Current music: nothin. Silence sucks. *looks for her cd case*
3:40AM - Ty
not a day goes by that I'm not reminded of him. I look down & see all those faded pink scars, I cant help but cry.
Ty sent me another message tonight. He wants to talk, wants to know where I am, what I'm doing...he's fucking crazy.
What I wouldn't give for someone to make me forget about him. Make me remember what life is like. I'm tired of my dark hole. I want out, but my memories hold me here, like sick chains.
I can't feel comfortable around guys, I wince & tremble. Afraid of repeating my mistakes. But it's hard to repeat them, when no one wants you.
I would love nothing more than to be secure again, in someone's arms. To be held & touched...to be SOMETHING to someone...but no one is here. I'm stuck in this listless mindset. I dont know what I want, but I do, but I cant have it. It's not something I can get from myself. I've long forgotten how to make myself feel better, whole...
I hate to sound co-dependant.
I feel like, I should just take what comes along. Consequences be damned, but I hold myself back...knowing better than that. But I dont WANT to be alone anymore. I want to be in that haze of being in a relationship...where it feels like nothing can go wrong, because someone is there for you. It's so hard feeling this way, thinking I can't depend on myself, but I cant. I know if I put my happiness in my own hands, I'd lose it in a heartbeat. I dont allow myself the priviledge to be me again. I simply cant bring myself around to do it.
So I live in the past. Fleeting daydreams of fists & cigarettes, hate & love. Maybe Ty really is the only one for me...I dont know. No one has proved otherwise. No one wants to either.
I wake up screaming in the night sometimes, shaking from dreams so horrible & violent that I cant sleep for days. It was different when I was with Scott, or Jason. At least I had someone next to me, so I knew I was safe.
Now when I wake up, I'm alone, in the dark, with my thoughts & memories. I wonder if Ty will find me...I wonder if he's changed, had regrets. Do any of them have regrets when it somes to me? Should I care? I dont know.
I dont know what to think sometimes. I just feel so hollow, hopeless. Like a gossamer Princess, forever waiting for her Prince who is never going to come. It's a horrible thought, thinking that an abusive, drunk, ex con is who I should have stayed with...
The sick thing is, I almost thought about meeting him somewhere, just to talk. I know if he had the chance, he'd kill me quicker than he'd lay eyes on me, so I stay home & wait.
What am I waiting for though? I dont know...nothing is coming. No one will come to my rescue. I am just a little girl, stuck in a thought coma. Afraid & weak...wanting something so badly, but scared to take it, because the pain might come back. All over again.
So every day I wonder when things are going to get better...when someone will want me again. When I'm something more than a 1 time use vagina that talks too much. But it wont ever happen. Fuck me & leave me, it's the way it's always been. So I stop having sex. It's gotten me nowhere but flustered & angry.
I just dont understand sometimes...
Current mood: 
sick