| Red release, Earthly Welcome |
[20 Jan 2004|04:48pm] |
beauty flows free
red release
pain drifted away
red release
forgotten past
red release
torment me no longer
red release
cold and pale i have become
darkness as salvation
earthly welcome.
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[18 Jan 2004|06:35pm] |
"To Be With You"
Make me feel again
Slide across my skin again
Let me uncover you to rediscover you
And I will open up
If you promise to give in
On this perfect night
Let the two of us be one
We will be again another time
No matter what all the others say
Cause I would leave it all so far behind
Just to be with you today
So make me feel again
Feel your every breath again
Nevermind everyone
There's only me and you
We will be again another time
No matter what all the others say
Cause I would leave it all so far behind
Just to be with you today
Just to be with you today
Just to be with you today
Just to be with you
We will be again another time
No matter what all the others say
Cause I would leave it all so far behind
Just to be with you today
So we will be again another time
And I will do all I need to do
To leave the others all so far behind
Just so I can be
Just so I can be....
....With you, with you, with you, with you....
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| kill me and leave me to rot, it's what i want |
[15 Jan 2004|03:59pm] |
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why do i still feel?
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[15 Jan 2004|03:55pm] |
"On My Own" The Used
see all those people on the ground
wasting time
i try to hold it all inside
but just for tonight
the top of the world
sitting here wishing
the things I've become
that something is missing
maybe I...
but what do I know
and now it seems that i have found
nothing at all
I want to hear your voice out loud
slow it down
without it all
I'm choking on nothing
it's clear in my head
and I'm screaming for something
knowing nothing is better than knowing at all
On My Own
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| Put me in the tub and slit my wrists. |
[12 Jan 2004|10:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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dead |
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| [ |
music |
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Sonata Claro de Luna |
] |
do what the name tells you .
i cant do it.. i cant end it.. i think i need to. i did.. but not so much.. i dont know how to tell him.. and he's back. as always. again so many thoughts of him, why. why cant his memory just leave me alone... i dont know how to get rid of him.. how to get rid of any of it.. im empty, nothing left i dont want to breath let alone think i just want to go on. that's it im done... there will be 11 new cuts by tomorrow... i know it.. it'll start all over again and yet another cycle will be added to my life.. so many cycles. they all spin diffrent times.. diffrent lies. hopes smashed good times gone. im done. i want to die. i dont want to live any more. im tired of hurting, of the endless pain. im so exhausted, im so over worked.. i've given up on rest, on a clear mind. that's alright though. i dont want it. i dont want a mind i want nothing but sweet and accepting eternal sleep. the ground welcomes me. and i too welcome the thought of being in it. 11 fresh lines tonight, another broken promise. broken.. everythings always broken. nothing can ever be right. i've lost my mind... tomorrow no fronts, just who i am today. im done, no hiding. no more masks.. im going to be who i am inside and out. that's it. at least for now. maybe i'll make it till friday. maybe... i remmeber being happy.. smiling so that it would touch the inside of me, now nothing cna penatrate my cold... im a courps... dead to everyone including myself. i want it to be reality.
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| Perfect Girl |
[12 Jan 2004|06:38pm] |
"Perfect Girl"
Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me
[Chorus]
Don't worry you will fine the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
Til I'm the one who brings you down
Me me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...
[Chorus]
Don't worry you will fine the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time
The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try
How did I go wrong in loving you
[Chorus]
Don't worry you will fine the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
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[09 Jan 2004|03:02pm] |
"Revolution"
[Maynard:]
Living on the street shores
He didn't learn and wanted children
Said, "What is there left to stay alive for?"
He doesn't wanna see it...
[Maynard:]
He didn't wanna deal with it
Here they come, feelings that come as natural
Whatever left, he considered a loss, y'all
He doesn't wanna see it...
[Maynard:]
Running away, getting some kinda cure
"What is there left to keep him alive?" she said
Give him your love, give him your love to save him
Give him your love, give him your love to save him
[Maynard:]
Give him your love, give him your love to save him
Don't run away, give him your love to save him
Give him your love, give him your love to save him
Give him your love...
[Zach screaming 2x:]
You can kill the revolutionary
But you can't kill the revolution
[Zach & Maynard screaming 2x:]
You can kill the revolutionary
But you can't kill the revolution
[Zach:]
Lies, negative indoctrination of our good selves
Promote feelings of such hopelessness, powerlessness
Suicide or a slower death from addiction
seemed to be the only way to stop the pain
[Maynard:] Running...
[Zach:]
Lies, negative indoctrination of our good selves
Promote feelings of such hopelessness, powerlessness
Suicide or a slower death from addiction
seemed to be the only way to stop the pain
[Zach:]
Suicide seemed to be the only way to stop the pain
Suicide seemed to be the only way to stop the pain
[Zach screaming 2x:]
You can kill the revolutionary
But you can't kill the revolution
[Zach & Maynard screaming 4x:]
You can kill the revolutionary
But you can't kill the revolution
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| Hurt and Broken |
[08 Jan 2004|05:58pm] |
A whore you've set me out to be
The truth not what was told
Self respect assumed none have i
A boy i wish to see, a dream land for he and me
Broken hearted i am now
Hurt and torn from words
Lack of trust bestowed
Sex not what i'm looking for
Just the chance to hold.
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[08 Jan 2004|05:06pm] |
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omg! i can't believe it!! i finally tell ym mom the truth about going to the mall with jost and she freaks out, she still doesn't trust me, nor does she think i have any respect for myself. they have such double standards!! she's like "you're 15!!!" and i was like Trevor went out with girls you didn't know when he was 15, blah blah blah, she still thinks im gonna go off and have sex randomly for no reason, i cant believe her!! wtf have i done to givethem that impression?!!!! omg!! it makes me soooooooo mad... and i dont want mitler to tell david otherwise i wont be allowed to go because my parents fucking hate me!! i cant believe it!! she's convinced everyone i know is a friggin rapest or that it's ryan or something... i cant believe i got my hopes up like that! what was i thinking i knew if they found out that i wouldnt be allowed to go.. grrrrrr my mom's convinced that he's gonna be some ultra pierced druggie!!! i cant believe them.. im gonna be so upset if i cant go! why shouldn't i be allowed to go?! i didn't do anything wring!! im sick of her prying into my life where she doenst belong!! fucking hell!!!!
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[08 Jan 2004|05:06pm] |
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omg! i can't believe it!! i finally tell ym mom the truth about going to the mall with jost and she freaks out, she still doesn't trust me, nor does she think i have any respect for myself. they have such double standards!! she's like "you're 15!!!" and i was like Trevor went out with girls you didn't know when he was 15, blah blah blah, she still thinks im gonna go off and have sex randomly for no reason, i cant believe her!! wtf have i done to givethem that impression?!!!! omg!! it makes me soooooooo mad... and i dont want mitler to tell david otherwise i wont be allowed to go because my parents fucking hate me!! i cant believe it!! she's convinced everyone i know is a friggin rapest or that it's ryan or something... i cant believe i got my hopes up like that! what was i thinking i knew if they found out that i wouldnt be allowed to go.. grrrrrr my mom's convinced that he's gonna be some ultra pierced druggie!!! i cant believe them.. im gonna be so upset if i cant go! why shouldn't i be allowed to go?! i didn't do anything wring!! im sick of her prying into my life where she doenst belong!! fucking hell!!!!
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[06 Jan 2004|08:37pm] |
Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!)
She gave you everything she had
But she was young and dumb
She'd just turned 21
She didn't care to hang around
So when the shit came down why she was nowhere to be found
This life can turn a good girl bad
She was the sweetest thing that you had ever seen
You're so such a delicate boy
In the hysterical realm
Of an emotional landslide
In physical terms
With your cherry lips and golden curls
You could make grown men gasp when you go walking past
And in your hot pants and high heels
They could not believe that such a body was for real
It seemed like rainbows would appear
Whenever you came near the clouds would disappear
Because you looked just like a girl
Your baby blues would flash and suddenly a spell was cast
You're so such a delicate boy
In the hysterical realm
Of an emotional landslide
In physical terms
You hold a candle in your heart
You shine the light on hidden parts
You make the whole world wanna dance
You bought yourself a second chance
Go baby go go
We're right behind you
Go baby go go
Yeah, we're looking at you
Go baby go go
Oh ,we're right behind you
Go baby go baby
Yeah, we're right behind you
Go baby go baby
Oh, we're right behind you
Go baby go baby
Yeah, we're looking at you
Go baby go baby
Oh, we're right behind you
Go baby go baby
Yeah, we're looking at you
You hold a candle in your heart
Go baby go go
You shine the light on hidden parts
Go baby go go
You make the whole world wanna dance
Go baby go go
You bought yourself a second chance
Go baby go baby go
Delicate boy
Go baby go baby go
In the hysterical realm
Go baby go baby go
Of an emotional landslide
Go baby go baby go
In physical terms
Go baby go go
Go
Yeah, we're looking at you
Go baby go go
Oh, we're right behind you
only the best friggin song ever.. who doesnt love a song about a drag queen!!
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[05 Jan 2004|09:45pm] |
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well havent written in here for a while, but not much has changed. i had stopped cutting for almost 3 weeks but then on saturday i did one. i have to stop.. josh is stopping, i can too. oh to all of you who dont know josh is this amazingly teriffic guy i met online (im a loser) we're going to meet on saturday. i really like him he's so sweet, he's gonna be 17 in 2 days, so he's only like a year older than me. yay. he's so cute. he makes me smile. i have like a spasim when he comes online. i think about him all the time. i dont know i hope it works out. the ony problem is he lives in toronto, so i wouldnt be able to see him that much, and i'd have to make up excuses on where i met him and stuff.. i can probably enlist some friends to help me witrh that. well i must go.. taah
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[05 Jan 2004|04:43pm] |
Is He Your Boyfriend?"
You were in the second row
I saw you at one of our shows
you were different then any other girl
I think it was the way that you smiled
when I sang or announced the song title
thoughts were spinning in my head
you & me, deep wishes, and denile
and I don't know why you looked at me
I thought you were thinking the same as me
when our set was done, I went to find my true love
but you were with the singer from the other band
I saw you holding his hand
yes, that guy from the other band
right then, I knew he was your boyfriend
I'll never understand
and if I did I wouldn't comprehend
why you gave me that look when I was up there singing in my own land
and I don't know why
why you turned away
I thought you were thinking the same as me
when I looked for you
I found you in his subaru
and you were kissing the singer
of the other band
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| Confusion Captivates me |
[19 Dec 2003|10:42pm] |
i dont know what to do about anything anymore, im going out of my mind. there's too much to think about and not enough time to let anyof it settle into my brain. all the issues in my life are spinning around making me dizzy, im going to fall and i dont think i'll be able to find my feet. im havin ga really hard time not cutting.. sometimes i find myself reaching for that pin without even thinking about what im doing. than i stop in realization and put it back. it's been a really hard week, and i dont know how next week is going to go for me... i think it could be worse...
boys are always another problem, gordon.. i dont know how im going to deal with him... he's like a puppy... i don't wantto hurt him, but i cant lead him on. i dont know what to do, i don't want to not be his friend, but i dont want to be his girlfriend. i dont think he and i could talk, like about real stuff that's really important to me, and i don';t know what to do with him. then there's chris.. and well i dont like him like that at all... but i dont have the heart to tell him.. i think he knows but i dunno... he follows me around like a puppy when he sees me.. so does gordon.. i dunno it creeps me out. then there's carson.. and i really like him.. and i have since i broke up with ryan i think... i dunno... i like hanging out with him and i feel like i've known him forever. when he hugs me it's like a real hug and im just like *sigh* and i like it and i dont want to let go of him sometimes... and i wish he wanted to go out with me. but here's the thing.. i don't know if he does or doesnt.. he just said that he wasnt ready for a relationship right now.. so .. there's a possibility riiight...? i dont know.. he gives me signals... but im known for doing the same thing at times... and nick.. well i dont know what to do about this.. he stillwant's to go out with me.. but i cant! not again! not this time, it's nto fair... and i cant do it. it;s so hard and all the lies and the secrets.. it really just ruins everything. i want to stay just friends... and maybe he does only like me as a friend now and im just not sure.. but i dont know, but this time i have to be sronger and not let it go any farther. PLUS! it's not right for me to persue a relationship while i have feelings for someone else.. i dont knowwhat to do... im so bored these days... tired...
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[11 Dec 2003|05:16pm] |
Romantic movie! You probably won't star in a porno
anytime soon. You seem to be really into the
whole "love" thing...romantic sex
with perfumed sheets and candles all over the
place. You're probably a hopeless romantic. You
value sex and respect your partner too much to
do anything like porn. AWWWWWW! <3
What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla
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[11 Dec 2003|05:11pm] |
You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into
you playing the dominant role MEORW!
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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[11 Dec 2003|05:05pm] |
You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn
to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal
blue water, near the sea is where you belong.
Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| The Wheel has gone to the beginning again |
[10 Dec 2003|05:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
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nothing new, there's never anything new. im cutting again, i know bad. claire is trying to help me stop.. she made me go to guidance to get help. i hope i go... i dont know im a chicken. i have 11 now... i like them, it's like having 11 lines of poetry written on me, so beautiful. im so demented, i just want to forget things.. its all i ever hope to do. im confused about too many things and disapointed by far more. i just want to end it.. i want to restart my life so then maybe i can do it right. maybe i could be better, more of what they wanted me to be. i just want to be perfect for them, then they cant hurt me anymore. then the words wont burn me, the hatred wont seem so real. i just want to go away. i just want to be accepted. they never will.. i know it, i never expect it to be true. i never think it'll end. my home is hell, it tears me appart, slowly piece by piece day by day. it'll never be better. i can only dream of the home i wanted to live in. only dreams of the life i want to have, the goals i could acheive. only dreams i have. they'll never be real. my unatainable home, ungraspable promises. I hope i die. Maybe then, maybe then freedom.
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| Stairway to Heaven |
[02 Dec 2003|04:20pm] |
There's a lady who's sure...
All that glitters is gold!
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows...
If the stores are all closed...
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh...ooh...ooh
Ooh...ooh...ooh...ooh...ooh.
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
There's a sign on the wall... But she wants to be sure.
'Cause you know sometimes words...
have two meanings.
In a tree...by the brook...
There's a songbird who sings...
"Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven."
Oooh...it makes me wonder...
Oooh...it makes me wonder.
There's a feelin' I get...
When I look to the west.
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen...
Rings of smoke through the trees...
And the voices of those who stand looking.
Oooh...it makes me wonder.
Oooh...it really makes me wonder.
And it's whispered that soon...
If we all call the tune...
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn.
For those who stand long.
And the forests will echo with laughter.
Oh...ooh whoah...ooh whoah...ooh whoah...
ooh whoah...hooh oh ohh.
If there's a bustle in your hedgerow...
Don't be alarmed now.
It's just a spring clean for the May queen.
Yes...there are two paths you can go by.
But in the long run...
An' there's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder...
Ahhh...ah...oh...oh.
Your head is hummin'...and it won't go.
In case you don't know...
The piper's callin' you to join him.
"Dear lady...can you hear the wind blow? And did you know...
Your stairway lies on the whispering wi...hahh...ah-ohh?"
And as we wind on down the road...
Our shadow's taller than our soul.
There walks a lady...we all know.
Who shines white light and wants to show...
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard...
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one...and one is all...yeah.
To be a rock and not to ro...ll.
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
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