Day 6.... of being a major pig.
I can't seem to do anything right anymore. I hate myself, I hate this, I hate everything.
It's as if food fills a certain void in my life.... the funny thing is that I don't even know what void it is that I am trying to fill. I fasted.... I lost 10 pounds.... then I ate, and I ate, and I ate. Numbers and lyrics flitting through my head....
And you're my obsession
I love you to the bones
And Ana wrecks your life
Like an anorexia life
So much truth.... you're my obsession, you're my obsession, you're my obsession.
It won't leave, she won't leave.
More phrases, more names.... "Fat like me".... "good anas never die".... "my friend ana"..... "I love you to the bones."
It would be so nice to eat three meals a day, to be satisfied, to not want.
"We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need."
.... I wish I knew how to do that....to not want, to not need.
What a contradiction.... I want to eat three meals a day and yet I want to "not need"?? The truth is I don't even know what I want anymore. Maybe I don't want anything. Maybe I just want to give up on everything simultaneously.... but that's not possible unless you are dead. I don't know what I want, but I know I don't want that, not now.
I'm all over the place tonight.... forgive me for that. Too much on my mind.
What everyone needs is hope.... I can't speak for everyone, so what I need is hope.... take care....
"Hope" is the thing with feathers-- That perches in the soul-- And sings the tune without the words-- And never stops--at all-- Emily Dickenson
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