Yesterday I wrote a long post, mostly about feelings, feelings of being pissed off and frustrated. When I clicked to post it, my computer froze. By now my mood has changed. I am in a mellow state of mind. Hungry and satisfied. Satisfied because I am hungry, and if that's not a paradox, then I don't know what is. I woke up feeling tired as usual. Had to go up to the school with Katalina to take care of some stuff before that monotonous drone of school commences again. Very unfortunate, and yet in a way welcome. School offers structure, and it is a lot easier to structure your eating habits when you have a set schedule.
Didn't eat much today, I didn't feel the need. I like feeling empty. It feels like I am in total control. At times it almost gives you a high.... an adrenaline rush of sorts. Considering ana is an addiction, why shouldn't it. And it is an addiction. Love it or hate it, it's hard to leave it. I hate those people who post in communities like so:
"you are killing yourselves, I am eating a burger hahaha.... you need to get hit over the head with a bat, eat something"
No shit sherlock, I think we are smart enough to know the consequences. But what the hell, it's not like you can just stop one day and say "hey, let me go to good ol' McDix and get a Big Mac. It's not like people with other addictions like alchohol wake up one day and say "I'm not going to have another drop of alchohol. Ever." Then why are we expected to just wake up and eat normally. What is eating normally anyway?? People make such a big deal if someone is a few sizes "too small" --> (is there such a thing??), but if a person is 2 sizes too big, then that's just fine. No one talks about the health risks of that, or how risky clogged arteries are. It's so frustrating. I wish people would do what they want, and let me live my life the way I want to live it....
Well I'm out, trying to stick between 200-300 cals a day.... so far so good, wish me luck, and take care....
1:24 pm: I feel like shit.... what else is new??
8 pm: FAT PIG
.... so pissed off.... I was only at 60, and then I started eating a seed and nut mix.... oh what's so bad about that?? Well look up the cals and fat and then say that.... tried to binge, couldn't do it. Tomorrow I'm going to make damn sure I will make up for today. My parents are leaving tomorrow.... perfect....
why couldn't I have stopped??
I feel like a ticking time bomb, ready to self destruct
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