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mood |
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Die Trying//So Long |
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This past weekend was kinda bad. I had my fun, but on saturday when I was at josh's house with all my friends(mark, mary, stacey, josh, lee, peaches, brandon)....I became really depressed....and I realized I had some diet pills left over from the day before in my purse. Ofcourse I took them, and they reacted right away...I took too many. I took them when most of the guys were outside, but when lee came back in. He sat down on the couch, where I was laying. I was shaking, and holding my stomach. When he noticed what I did, all he did was shake his head really sadly, and walk away. I shouldnt of done it, I know it worries lee....because one of his aunts died because of bullimia and anorexia. I'm really trying to stop taking them, but they get addicting. I take them every night (3 or 4) and then I wake up the next morning and take 3 more...I dont know what its doing to me...it doesnt feel too great, but its helping.....eh. I hate it and I really wish I could stop. Just like cutting....I know I say that I'll stop....but I know I never can. I went for a year without cutting, and then I started up again. Its like I know I'll never ever kill myself, becuz I love my friends too much to do that to them...but I know I'll never stop cutting....its addiction and its not gonna go away. I hope people accept that....
A few other things on my mind. Lee. Lee. Lee. Lee.....get it? yeah. on saturday night, he told me when hes around me he has a "loss of words", it scared me, cuz I donno if thats a good or bad thing. He also told me he NEEDS to feel uncomfortable, he cant explain it....thats just how he is. Stupid things make me cry, and then I assume shit and I make what people say even more complicated....and I get myself upset.....I cried myself to sleep on saturday. When I cry about something so little, I think about other things that have been going on, and it adds up...and I literally go crazy. I shake. I cry.....I scream....its crazy. and I think I need help.....
some lyrics I wanted to share...they kick ass
*They used to say we were born to lose, that we'd never make it
our whole lives through that we'd be stuck in this dead end town
with the whole world against us we set out on our own to find
our way of life and our way around they tried to say we'd be
nothin they only said it just to keep us down they were never
gonna get me down they were never gonna keep us down* DIE TRYING (conquer the world)
*Wake me up 'cause I can't sleep
Call me any time you need, you need
I put my pain into you
I hurt myself through you
So, call me anytime you need, you need me* DIE TRYING (so long)
*Some days are better, they're better than others
can't run forever, you're pushing me under
what a way to live my life
i'm hiding from the battles i don't want to fight
what i've become* SMILE EMPTY SOUL (eraser)
*and when i wake up you'll be here
and it will be the way it was* SMILE EMPTY SOUL (I want my life)
*because I am due for a miracle
I’m waiting for a sign
I stare straight, into the sun
and I wont close my eyes
until I understand or go blind* THRICE (stare at the sun)
*ill throw it all away ( all today )
nothing's changed everythings the same
i walked away far too late
now pretend everythings okay* SMILE EMPTY SOUL (meaningless)
*i let myself fall into a lie
i let my walls come down
i let myself smile and feel alive
i let my walls come down
no matter how i try i don't know why
you push so far away
you wrapped your hands tight around my heart
and squeezed it full of pain* SMILE EMPTY SOUL (with this knife)
THOSE ALL KINDA EXPLAIN HOW I FEEL EH....AND TO THINK THERES EVEN MORE.....:(:(:(
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hopeful
blah
confused
loved
crazy