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Thursday, May 29th, 2003
2:49 pm - the theme for today
Wake from your sleep,
the drying of your tears,
Today we escape, we escape.

Pack and get dressed
before your father hears us,
before all hell breaks loose.

Breathe, keep breathing,
don't lose your nerve.
Breathe, keep breathing,
I can't do this alone.

Sing us a song,
a song to keep us warm,
there's such a chill, such a chill.

And you can laugh a spineless laugh,
we hope your rules and wisdom choke you.

And now we are one
in everlasting peace,

we hope that you choke, that you choke,
we hope that you choke, that you choke,
we hope that you choke, that you choke.

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Wednesday, March 19th, 2003
6:47 pm - she doesn't speak to anyone until four o'clock/she knows she's losing it, oh yeah
this is the exchange i over heard between my landlords upstairs...
her: why do you have to scream about everything all the time?
him: SHUT UP! I DO NOT!!
her: [silence]

fuck. i sure do hate that man.

current music: belle and sebastian - she's losing it.

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Saturday, March 15th, 2003
3:30 pm
how to disappear completely. )

current mood: sad

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Monday, March 10th, 2003
5:29 pm
hello. i'm bored. how are you?

also, i hate my landlords. it sounds like they're dragging furniture around again. it also sounds like he's bossing his partner around again - yelling and sounding like a condescending fuck. christ.

current mood: dull.

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Friday, March 7th, 2003
6:59 pm - the needle that broke your back.
more interests because i'm bored.
g through m. )

current mood: waiting.
current music: cat power - werewolf.

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Thursday, March 6th, 2003
11:22 pm
i have coffee stomach; you give me coffee headaches. coffee feels better inside me than you do. caffeine fades. on consumption: jittering, shaking, this close to throwing-up nausea.
you keep me up at night.

current mood: sick
current music: radiohead - the national anthem.

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8:09 pm - my interests.
an explination of interests a through f. )

current mood: procrastinating.
current music: lil' kim - get in touch with us.

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Saturday, March 1st, 2003
2:10 pm - this is what it sounds like when doves cry.
sometimes i have so much shame and guilt because i stayed for so long. i knew things were bad two and a half years before i left. i knew that i should have never moved in with him in the first place. yet i did, and i stayed living with him for two years. everyone around me always told me how brave and strong they thought i was. sometimes hearing that made me feel so much worse; it made me feel like such a liar because i was anything but those things. people always commended me on my efforts - they had never seen two people live together and try so hard to stay friends after a break up. everytime someone said that to me the pains in my stomach would come back; my chest would tighten. i was told that i was all these things but really i was so fragile and unstable. someone's mother was quick to realize that, much to my surprise. i tried so hard to be strong and brave like everyone around me thought that i was. i tried so hard to do what they all wanted me to do - i tried so hard to leave. i couldn't help but feel like a failure time and time again. i remember the shame and defeat i felt when i had to phone someone and let them know that i couldn't move in with them after all. when i had to tell them that he had got me to stay yet again. i know i'm not supposed to beat myself up over the fact that i couldn't leave sooner, but i do anyway. i know i'm supposed to realize that i must of had some strength in order to live though that, but again, i don't really. it's hard to feel what you're supposed to feel.

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Wednesday, February 26th, 2003
10:39 am
i don't know how to have 'intense' conversations without starting to trigger.

current music: prince - when doves cry

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Sunday, February 23rd, 2003
8:23 pm - oh yeah she's losing it
i can't tell if i feel more or less safe writing in this journal than livejournal. i think maybe i'm not really feeling very safe talking period. i'm having one of those i need to shut myself off from everyone urges. obviously this is probably not the best idea. i think i'm also frustrated because the stuff that i probably need to talk about most right now i can't (or feel like i can't) talk about in this (or that other) online journaling world. this is making me just want to write about nothing - at least until the feeling passes.

i need a job because i can't make next month's rent. it's difficult looking for a job (let alone actually getting one) when you're way too scared to deal with the public or new people just generally. i wonder if i can actually handle working in any sort of public space. maybe i should get another call centre job because that way i don't have to deal with anyone face to face. although, getting screamed at and called names over the phone isn't really easy to deal with either. i can't even deal with how shitty people treat market researcher surveyors or whoever else it is that phones people's houses. this one woman that i worked with would freak out often because the people on the other end's verbal abuse kept triggering her. like you don't want to talk to her fine, but there is no need to scream at her and tell her that she's worthless in the process. god. i'm worried that getting yelled at and being called names over the phone is going to be triggering for me also.

i still can't even believe that i saw that walking piece of shit in vancouver this week. i hope he wipes out on his skateboard.

current music: belle and sebastian

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Wednesday, February 19th, 2003
3:18 am
find the limit of a function as x approaches negative infinity.

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Tuesday, February 18th, 2003
9:29 am
it's like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
things are better now. things are looking up.

current mood: relieved

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Monday, February 17th, 2003
11:48 am
this journal's for being vague.
that's the official decision. the results are in.

[aside] the sexual assault support fund at ubc got passed. i was going to throw bricks if it didn't.
the transit pass deal also got passed. i guess if i go to school next year i get cheaper transit. i can't help but think that students aren't the only people who should get deals on transit. like c'mon.

i just want to...
i'm not going to...
i carry too much stuff around with me. things have carved themselves into/onto my body - the weight unbearable.
you know how it is.

current music: hey sexy lady.

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Friday, February 14th, 2003
8:36 am - ***
i have this thing, i said. i want it to go away.
you've been there long enough. i repeat, i said.
you've been there since long ago.

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7:35 am - incoherence and scrambled thoughts.
i have pains in my shoulders - right and left.
the essay i'm supposed to have finished for today is incomplete, as is this other assignment.
mornings, especially early ones, leave my mouth pasty and dry - tasteless.
the dreams i had were distatsteful. dreams of sex - eager and rushed - and abandonment.

today, being valentines, is a tricky one. i stopped celebrating it after i realized that i could never express as much love as what was expected of me. pay no mind to me i can not show love. after experiencing the guilt (imposed) and spending a february fourteenth with an ex and his new partner, i lost any feeling i had for valentines day.

when i was fifteen i sat in parking lot after parking lot. the tears streamed down my face and his. the words are still echoing: you don't love me enough, you don't love me like i love you, why won't you love me forever, you don't love me at all. it was then - i stopped believing in always and forever.

driving to calgary once with mister i'll love you forever, i'll love you for always (nearly) ended in disaster. i think it was in brooks when i was trying to figure out if it would be easier for me to walk home or to the desired destination. standing on the edge of that highway, after stepping out of that car, i was rage filled - fists clenched. we were fighting and he was going to leave me there; i was fine with not seeing him again. he pulled away, only to stop several metres ahead. i suppose, in a sense thankfully. there was still an hour and a half of driving ahead of us though; he would make use of every second of it. i'll love you forever, i'll love you for always.

with love,

current mood: tired

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Thursday, February 13th, 2003
1:20 pm
yeah, so i got one of these. not sure what's going to go in here.
but well, i couldn't resist. the new trend was all too tempting.

hi. welcome. welcome.

current mood: apathetic

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