||[21 Sep 2003|04:41am]
pointless entry, no point in reading but I dunno...
Iwas walking homeand I discovered something about myself. I don't believe in normal because nothing has been defined to me as normal. I've always been known for being odd, my interpertation of eating a piece fo chicken is normal to me but can be completely wrong to the real normality. So I would never reveal how I eat chicken...thats just an example. The whole time I spent studying people I never looked for any sign of normal. I just wouldn't know how. I think my studying of ppl is useful for acting but I don't think I've been doing it for that reason. I know that makes me a liar, but it honestly was what I believed. I've now come to realize that while I was sad and in thought that I stidy people because I don't know how to be a person. My parents just never raised me, I raised myself through imitation and observation. Thats what more than likely made me open minded, but also added to my insecurity.
I've been afraid to sleep since my nightmare, the images and the feelings are just so real. I don't know what to do anymore, about anything. I feel i've let down all my families hopes and dreams of me, but lack of attention leads me to believe they didn't have any. Therefore my feelings are based on hopes and dreams I hoped they had for me and then letting them down... which makes me feel worse. My brother had a compliment for me in regards to where I belong in the workforce, which later twisted into an insult of my character.
I've observed soemthing else too, in regards to my "normalness." it's kinda complicated to explain so I won't bother. the short story is I found a source for my insecurity but I have not devised a method of getting past that feeling... without my meds anyways. My feelings ofthe moment?...
I feel Let down, betrayed, defied, robbed, broken, alone, hurt, sad, anger, rage, loneliness, lightheaded, heavyhearted, depressed, worried, unthought of, silent, disappointed and crushed. This isn't all of what I feel but a few of the words I cna think of... other feelings are just indescribable. My heart rate has been beating very irregularly and my left arm was bothering the shit out of me last night. My breathing has been labored and i've been exhausted. which is odd because I've been smiling and trying to think happy thoughts... positive enviroment reflects positive results.
So i'm home late, can't sleep and out 200 bucks :(. I'm batting a thousand. I still don't understand that phrase... most batters never swing a thousand times in a season... go figure. People used to try and help me with all of this... they meant well, they just didn't care for it because they didn't get paid for it....they looked at me as expendable. So great to see your own friends find you expendable and on top of that don't see anythign good in me to work towards :(. I read a couple of bumper stickers today which made me think too... something pretty relevant to me and not what they are really about, one said," How do we make peace by dropping bombs?" and the other said, "Sorry my car is a piece of shit, my parents didn't buy it for me."(this one made me smile).look I don't know what else to say anymore, i'll just go lay down for a few hours. For all I know this is my last post. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. bye
"I heard you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you,
to hear that tears me up inside
and to see you, cuts me like a knife..."
"Lying here in the darkness, I hear the sirens wail.
Somebody going to emergency, somebody going to jail.
You find somebody to love in this world... you better hang on tooth and nail.
... and in these days, the darkness falls early
people rush home to the ones they love.
you better take the fools advice and take care of your love.
Cuz one day they're here, next day they're gone.
Threw my coat around my shoulders, took a walk down through the park.
Leaves were falling around me, groaning city in the gathering dark.
On some solitary rock, a desperate lover left his mark
he said, "Baby, i've changed; please come back"
Head makes cloudy, heart makes very clear
I knew the days were so much brighter
times when she was here
I know there is somebody somewhere that can make these dark clouds disappear
until that day, I have to believe, I believe, I believe...
In NY minute, everything can change, in a NY minute, things can get pretty strange"