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I've realised my purpose [22 Sep 2003|12:49pm] ok, i've slept for a few hours and I've awoken with pure thought. This hurt, this pain that i've felt the past few days, it's familiar to me.... and it doesn't go away. it always lays within myself, still and lifeless until it's resurrected again. I can't make it go away, i've tried everything except for what I must do. The past few months I've had nightmares and I think it's all been leading to this. I've had visions of different ways of me being killed, car accident, explosions, falling elevator shaft, stabbed, posioned, drowning, driven into the ocean, and finally suffocated. No one seems to understand... and they really couldn't care any less about me. The only people who want to talk to me are creditors. I've tried in the past, and i've failed.... I tried the knife...I've put a gun to my head but I always get stopped or the bloody mess scares me straight, i've tried overdosing and poisoning, only to wake up in a hospital sick, i've even tried recking my car and contemplated jumping off of my fire escape. There is ain in all of those... and what I need is something quick and painless. my pain is too much for me to bear and nobody cares, nobody did. My mom just doesn't know what to do, or how to react and she can't be there to save me all the time. I have no friends... no job, no money, no life...all i'm doing is breathing and taking up space.... I can't sit around and wait to die anymore. As I write this and think about what I'm saying, i think of all the newspapers articles about kids who state they are about to commit suicide and others laugh... feel free to laugh. You just don't really know me and that ignorance makes you laugh and it's because of that ignorance that I won't be hurt by your laughter. No one can sink me down any frther. I know some might think this is because my girlfriend left me and it isn't. She was the only girl to ever try and care... at least in the beginning she did, but thats gone too. So i'm left with nothing. The only solution I can devise to die quick and pain free is to blind fold myself and use earplugs and lay on an express train track. The sheer weight will be so quick... and blocking those two sense will make it much easier so I won't chicken out. At the same time I think of commiting crimes till I get lethal injection.... but no one else deserves to get hurt because of my pathetic life. I'm just wasting tax dollars, wasting my mothers energy and wasting everyone else's time. I won't have me... and if no one else will have me then i'm just better off dead. I'm sorry, I just want this pain to end for good. I have no one to listen to me.... I tried telling everyone.... begging for help, it only pissed people off, it made them leave me, now I choose to leave myself. This is the best way to get rid of my pain, no more betrayal, no moretears, no more aggravation, nobody has to worry about anymore negative things from me. For those who don't know me, don't think those who are relieved are losing anything positive. "What have I become, my sweetest friend, Everyone I know goes away, in the end" [ 2 + ]

[21 Sep 2003|04:41am] pointless entry, no point in reading but I dunno... Iwas walking homeand I discovered something about myself. I don't believe in normal because nothing has been defined to me as normal. I've always been known for being odd, my interpertation of eating a piece fo chicken is normal to me but can be completely wrong to the real normality. So I would never reveal how I eat chicken...thats just an example. The whole time I spent studying people I never looked for any sign of normal. I just wouldn't know how. I think my studying of ppl is useful for acting but I don't think I've been doing it for that reason. I know that makes me a liar, but it honestly was what I believed. I've now come to realize that while I was sad and in thought that I stidy people because I don't know how to be a person. My parents just never raised me, I raised myself through imitation and observation. Thats what more than likely made me open minded, but also added to my insecurity. I've been afraid to sleep since my nightmare, the images and the feelings are just so real. I don't know what to do anymore, about anything. I feel i've let down all my families hopes and dreams of me, but lack of attention leads me to believe they didn't have any. Therefore my feelings are based on hopes and dreams I hoped they had for me and then letting them down... which makes me feel worse. My brother had a compliment for me in regards to where I belong in the workforce, which later twisted into an insult of my character. I've observed soemthing else too, in regards to my "normalness." it's kinda complicated to explain so I won't bother. the short story is I found a source for my insecurity but I have not devised a method of getting past that feeling... without my meds anyways. My feelings ofthe moment?... I feel Let down, betrayed, defied, robbed, broken, alone, hurt, sad, anger, rage, loneliness, lightheaded, heavyhearted, depressed, worried, unthought of, silent, disappointed and crushed. This isn't all of what I feel but a few of the words I cna think of... other feelings are just indescribable. My heart rate has been beating very irregularly and my left arm was bothering the shit out of me last night. My breathing has been labored and i've been exhausted. which is odd because I've been smiling and trying to think happy thoughts... positive enviroment reflects positive results. So i'm home late, can't sleep and out 200 bucks :(. I'm batting a thousand. I still don't understand that phrase... most batters never swing a thousand times in a season... go figure. People used to try and help me with all of this... they meant well, they just didn't care for it because they didn't get paid for it....they looked at me as expendable. So great to see your own friends find you expendable and on top of that don't see anythign good in me to work towards :(. I read a couple of bumper stickers today which made me think too... something pretty relevant to me and not what they are really about, one said," How do we make peace by dropping bombs?" and the other said, "Sorry my car is a piece of shit, my parents didn't buy it for me."(this one made me smile).look I don't know what else to say anymore, i'll just go lay down for a few hours. For all I know this is my last post. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. bye "I heard you found somebody new and that I never meant that much to you, to hear that tears me up inside and to see you, cuts me like a knife..." "Lying here in the darkness, I hear the sirens wail. Somebody going to emergency, somebody going to jail. You find somebody to love in this world... you better hang on tooth and nail. ... and in these days, the darkness falls early people rush home to the ones they love. you better take the fools advice and take care of your love. Cuz one day they're here, next day they're gone. Threw my coat around my shoulders, took a walk down through the park. Leaves were falling around me, groaning city in the gathering dark. On some solitary rock, a desperate lover left his mark he said, "Baby, i've changed; please come back" Head makes cloudy, heart makes very clear I knew the days were so much brighter times when she was here I know there is somebody somewhere that can make these dark clouds disappear until that day, I have to believe, I believe, I believe... In NY minute, everything can change, in a NY minute, things can get pretty strange" + ]

the day is triumphant [20 Sep 2003|01:41pm] Today was really odd. It started with the hurricane winds coming through my window... while that was going on, I was dreaming of having a dream while having anightmare.... or something. brb, gotta get water for greentea.... back. So where was I? well first off let me start with the fact that I realize I do my entries like Doogie Howser, I just write as it is fed out of my edit, I don't care to edit because this thing is suppose to jog down my thoughts. OK, so I took my bed, I was in Long Beach and I put my bed in a parking spot on the street and went to sleep, I wanted fresh air or something. I wake up in the day and the bagel store I parked my bed in front of is opening up and the part-timers are upset they're working on a weekend but puzzled and amused at me sleeping in ym bed on the street. I wake up scratch my head, yawn and go to the house... but it wasn't the house (you know the way it works). It's night time I'm supposedly staying with 3 people and I have to share a bed with someone. it's storming(obviously the scenario ahs changed dramatically and I don't know how, but it seemed smooth). I go to sleep and i'm having a nightmare! This dude was trying to suffocate me to death in my nightmare inside of my dream. I couldn't raise my hands strongly enough because they had JUST woken up so i'm just pawwing at the guys face and he is wearing a mask. not the traditional Friday the 13th hockey mask but Jason Voorhee's is actual face. and not the mild one in 2 and 3 but the really gross one in part four with Corey Feldman. And I'm slowly pulling it off and it's just sliding in front of his head blocking his vision but not preventing him from his task and I wake up SCREAMING in my dream. The person I'm sleeping next too wakes up and tells me to go to bed, I'm covered in sweat. The pudgy bald guy comes into the room with a bat dressed ina t-shirt and yellowish boxers. He tells me to try taking it outside. So all of a sudden I climb out the window and it's no longer a house but an apartment buildings fire escape. They're is a helicopter spotlight on me screaming as if I'm a criminal and sayign some spooky things, I'm creeped out and trying to explain my story but I can't talk as if I've just woken up, so I can't tell them that i'm not the monster. and just as i'm realizing this, I notice a guy jumping to the first floor of the fire escape and coming up and at me fast and it's the dude that just tried to kill me! I know it's him, even though he is now wearing a blac hoodie jacket and he doesn't have the mask and I can't see his face, but I know it's this mysterious guy. I yell at myself in my mind telling me to gather up all my energy and scream so loud that it has to change something. So i start screaming on the wet, rainy dark fire escape in the spotlight while this guy is just about to reach me and ... poof! I wake up for real. I'm scared shitless to go back to sleep, it's the absolute worst dream I EVER had. I was sweaty and hot and the freezing breeze is on my back and moving the curtains in my living room, all the lights are out and it's so silent except for the violent howls of wind outside. So I check the time and it's like 5AM. So I never get back to sleep but I toss and turn for a long time. My mom comes and gets me up because I promised her I'd help today. So Ihop out of bed and we go to get grandpa so he can do his stuff. His landlord has been fucking with his head and he has some medical stuff he needs to get done. My mom needed me because grandpa needs a guide and parking at the locations we have to go to is a bitch. So she parks and I walk grandpa into Social security. Mom said don't say a word to jsut look out for him. But they asked what he needed and well, he's a spanish immigrant who speaks english very well, but old people love to go into detail and you can't do that with the government or hospitals because the get frustrated and don't want t help you or make you wait longer. So I open my mouth and try to resolve what he needs. He shows me a paper and I let him tell me the long story and I pretend to listen as I read the document, ok he needs an official letter stating such and such. Our number gets called immediately and S.S. is crowded as hell but we were called immediately because I "talked" to the security guard and he told me what I should do...you see, you don't get a story you just sympathise with them and make them laugh, the point is to make them seem like a friend but have them forget about you as soon as you leave; this informs them you just want to be in and out and not deal with anything. So we get called up and grandpa starts talking and I take charge and I tell him that they don't need that and so on...it seemed kinda rude because it was the first time I took charge with him, but it was for his benefit, he doesn't need stress or to stand their long when he is as old as he is. So I feed the lady 2 sentences and it's done...and as soon as I'm tellign grandpa to elts go... he starts telling his story, it's so funny and cute. Because I now realize that ALL old people do the same thing, completeing another analysis for me. they don't mean harm they jsut want everyone to hear and sympathize, but I did that for the workers of S.S. so me and grandpa can work quickly. So we come out and mom is shocked. So then it's out to Fordham.... We pull up to Montefiore hospital and I must say... nice lobby. again, in and out and that room was soooo packed it was unbelieveable, but i'm glad it was quick, all the crying babies and the stench...and I was able to discuss the situation with a nurse and she told me how to make it even easier for grandpa. So that was done and improved. Another shocker for mom. People underestimate my attitude, when I have a goal, I meet it, and if you think i can't do it or i won't understand... then you have no idea who I am. So i'm looking at Fordham university across the street and it looked like a campus catalog for ANY school you'd find in Delaware or Rhode Island and I'm just like, " I lived in the bronx for so long and I never saw anything so nice and well kept." Ok so done with hospital trip, done with SS, now off to his appointment at the veterans hospital....man that SUCKED. Appointment was at 11:45 and thank god I spoke up because we'd have been late,a nd because of my intervention we got there at 11:15. Despite being early, and his appointment being at 11:45 we were not seen until 1:30!!!! Now there is nothing I can do with this, this is a different situation, and you can't rush lazy doctors. because yto them it's like..."Well i still get paid" or " I have to eat or else i can't help the patients" or "We can just pencil them inf or another time, they're not seriously injured"...unfortunately thats the sad truth, growing up in and around hospitals this is what I learned(That and a few MacGuyver tricks). So we see them and afterwards we have lunch and I had a chef's salad. I tried a McGriddles for breakfast and I must say, they totally ripped off my dad's breakfast burrito except made it into a burger format. But it's so good. grnadpa gave me 25 bucks which I had to break for some more folders for the sponsor packages. We drop off grandpa and we head home and my mom thanked me for coming , she showed me where she got stuck in traffic when the whole 9-11 thing happened. I asked to go to Bestbuy to check out stoves for the house, they only carry ONE type of electric stove, lame. Doesn't matter ebcause I seriously dislike bestbuy anyway because of their staffing policy...but thats another story. So we stop by Officemax, I get my folders. I get home and as quick as possible I put together two sponsor packages and run to the post office..I had ten minutes to get there and get these things mailed... I've been delayign forever and I can't miss this oppurtunity. and I made it, I was so happy. it cost 1.06 per package though :(. I had it covered, thanks grandpa!:) So i get home and I pass out ebcause I went to bed at 3:30 and woke at 5 as I mentioned. I woke up and was happy to not be disturbed by the phone. I only slept for about 2 hours. oh yeah I fixed my account with the bank...and mom needs to borrow some cash for the rent. I should be the great son with a great job covering the rent for her without "loaning". Anywho, I turn on the news only to find out... DUH DUH DUH.... There was a fucking shoot-out outside on Jerome ave int he bronx only 15 minutes before me, mom and grandpa got there! thank god I told them ," I'm not doing shit until you feed me!" and my mom was like,"oh really?" and I said,"hell, yeah, you wake up and want me to help you, you have to feed me"... that 20 minutes I wasted to get food... probably saved our lives. 3 ppl were hit or something. A former security guard from like 2 years ago strolls in like he is on duty and has a shootout with a officer and took out some people in the bulding me and grandpa had to go to and think three people were hurt or killed or soemthing, and thats not including the dick who shot up the place. so, presenting a thanks to my stomach is very much in order. Thank you Tummy. Ugh...ok what else...So I went to walk to breathe and it felt rewarding in some way. Even though I was already having a great day, this brought a smile as if I were having a bad day. This lady, Jessica who owns this really hyper Golden lab spoke to me. Turns out she is going to school for communications and she works at TGI Friday's. ----what, TJ just paged me... it's 2:30, hope he is ok---- ---turns out he is, I called him back, he was giving me movie reviews----- ok so where was I... oh yeah... So Jessica's situation was pretty impressive because whenever we see each other she is walking the dog or just realxing or she is going out with her boyfriend. I'm not into her if thats what you think i'm getting at, just that our aspirations are similar, except she is ahead of the game. She is going to school full-time, working fulltime but also seems to not be stressed and always smiling....and she has her own place with her boyfriend! Thats what me and felicia want to do or wanted to do... i dunno whats going on. So I went back upstairds, got bored and came back down, s I sat and thought about things and put things into perspective... it felt great, I went and got a vanilla pepsi from the gas stationa dn walked aroudn the blvd. Kids in queens are doing what i used to do with my friends in long island, it felt pleasing but at the same time verys addening because I don't have that anymore. now i'm on the outside of the groups :(. I walked back home and sat in front of the building, These two old women.... or middle aged(to be nice about it) were driving with their hazards on and had a flat tire. I was sayign to myself, they're dressed up and old women... they probably need help. SO i thought they were going to stop when they saw me but the didn't. but they had their hazards on so I knew that they knew they had a flat. I sat there and thought for about 10 seconds. I can help them... they need help... if they don't stop and change the tire they'll cause more dmaage and that'll make them pat more to fix it.... i got a jack if they don't have one..so then, I stopped thinking and I ran. I ran, and I ran and I ran and I always had them in my vision.... I was chasing a broken down car uphill, then downhill and around a corner.... i ran for five blocks without stopping (and now I know why I jog and not run). These ladies either didn't care, or didn't want help. I was determined to help them but I couldn't keep up. My intentions were good though. So I was by queens blvd. on the other side of 39th avenue and it was about midnight and I said to myself, "now what?" So I went job hunting- yes job hunting at midnight. I stopped by the holiday inn and they're looking for help, the lady was excited, I was sweaty and wearing a long sleeve shirt ad a backwards hat but I guess she saw throught hat. She wnats my resume and wants to me to work the desk between 11pm-7am on every other friday and saturday, and during the day on weekdays fulltime. this is good considering my bad sleeping schedule, but at the moment I have to focus on the Blaze of glory event, otherwise it's not going to happen. Once it's done I will hand in my resume. While I marched home with a smile I started rbainstorming, "This place is close, I won't need a car, i can pay my bills, they probably pay well, it is a hotel, Could i help ray and annette or any of my firends with this job? Would I be able to travel more now? Hey i can pay bills, Hey i can finally buy the apartment and do my dreams and stuff like me and felicia were planning, it'd be hard working nights, she'd hardly see me, but she wouldn't mind because I'm close inc ase of emergency and she'll she me every other minute of the day since she'll live there too, and she can go to school..." and it went on and on and on and on....::Singing:: "DOn't stop believing! Hodl on to that feeling! Streetlights, people-uh-uhoooooooooooo...don't stop...." ::enough singing:: Soi got home, got soemthing, i forget what and went to ray's house... had fun there, discussed some stuff played some Double Dragon II and then left and now I'm here. As for the bad things that re going on right now... i'm feeling kinda hesitant to talk about them because I don't know what to think.... that's all I'll say about that. But i'm on my way and I thought I told ya'll that I won't stop... thought I told you that I won't stop eh-eh eh-eh. ok i'm out. gotta do soem things tommorow. This is probably the longest post I ever made. l8er.... oh yeah I normally end with a quote, in my lettrs that is "Well you ain't gotta like me, you're just mad, cuz i tell it how it is and you tell it how it might be" + ]

[16 Sep 2003|01:01pm] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | eX-treme Dating ] Hmmm everything seems to be slowly heading downhill for me. I was thinking of posting something positive but i figured I'd start with my day. Well I woke up later then I wanted to, no surprise there. Felciai came home last night and we talked things through and she was really sweet and open with me and said she wants to really give it a shot so she said she'd call me by 6PM today because she's back in school and thats the time around she'll get home. I was callign my sponsors since I've been awake, hoping they'd bite the bait... but this Blaze of Glory event sems to be falling apart. I think I built a sinking ship and I know i'm the problem. so I don't think Blaz of glory is going to happen :( and that makes me extremely sad because it's all i've thought about, I have no backup plan... this was it for me... that was my ship and it has left. I shouldv'e paid more attention in school when all the other kids were planning their future. So i stopped with the sponsor calling today around 5:45pm. Went and showered and everything, even walked the dog. So around 6:30pm I called felicias house, her mom started getting into my personal business, but I remained calm about it. and yes felicia did come home, but then she went out with her friends. So much for trying. it's 1AM the next day and I never heard from her. Shows how important I am. I'm sick of this. If this were a job I'd unsderstand her not wanting to be here, but then again she'd be fired by now. I don't mean anything to this girl, not a damn thing. I felt so relieved and re-energized when she called and said what she said... I was believing it all...and here I am all alone. Bill collectors want their money and i'm out of a job again because well... racism, we'll leave it at that, but I won't press for a lawsuit. The only good news is that a casting director emailed me back telling me she is going to tell me when she holds auditions for a project. but that doesn't guarentee me jack, and it's not a paying gig. but at least it's experience. I now believe in the psych analysis of a positive enviorment returns psoitive results. However I don't live ina psoitive enviroment but i'm trying... i'm tryign to be optimistic again about things, otherwise i'm going to fall further down this rabbit hole. I just really don't know how I started this downward spiral. I miss my meds, I was able to think clearer, and feel successful... I never got mad while I was on them. Well i guess thats it for now... I don't know what else to write, I mean how much longer till I lose everything else? How can I make this all turn around?! All I ever wanted to do was be successful... I just never decided what to be successful at. [ 1 + ]

Feeling awkward... [14 Sep 2003|03:58pm] [ mood | sore ] [ music | If you leave ] Anyone ever felt like they were being taunted, but couldn't put your finger on it. Or you almost 100% knew you were but when asked to prove it it was nearly impossible. I feel that vibe right now. I'm home, I can't sleep. I miss my adorable, lovable, cuddable(I like to invent words), edible, incredible, beautiful girlfriend. Unfortunately I don't think she feels the same. I think right now she's so happy she is not with me, I honestly think she's fed up with me. So anyways, that feeling isn't coming from her... I'm feeling positive about her. I went to my friend Chewie's house today with my brother. I don't think I'm well recieved by him anymore. We've been best friends for 17 years and change and he asked me to come over and I did. So I'm over there and he basically only talks to everybody else except me. The only time I felt we were bonding was when we had the LAN party of Halo going on, Yes for the first time ever I played X-box and enjoyed it. For my first time playing against all those terrific players I did pretty well. Came in fifth out of 8 on my first try, then sucked in the next round, then came back with a vengeance with my brother. I started ranking at least third in every round, one time I ever managed to top everyone I felt proud. Lately when I play video games, I start seeing what my parents saw... You know, "Whats the point?" "What does defeating this achieve" etc etc. I wa splaying Zelda which was given to me as a gift---- HEY I just noticed something...aww fuck I don't want to think of that now. Anywho... I noticed I always want to beat a game thoroughly, so when I beat it, I can say I beat the bloody piss out of it and without cheating. I never go bare minimum in games, but I manage to slide through on the bar for real life things. So I'm slowly being turned off from video games. I play them when people come over as a group activity now, msot of the time anyway. Cuz I don't want to buy another dart board for a while, and I don't have room for a billiard table. Can you imagine meeting someone that can be a potential friend and be like, "yeah, so... I'm the god at Zelda and Halo..." who the hell cares?! Anyway that was my night...oh yeah back to Chewie. So I'm there and he's ignoring me and i feel we're bonding by playing, and even though i'm constantly improving our team kept losing, we were three rookies and a veteran versus four pros. So later I go on up to get a sprite, because everyone was else was drinking Bud, and Chewie is talking to this other dude and he's like, "I'll trade you Jay and anyone else if you come on my team." And I was shocked and hurt... I mean, he ignores me after inviting me and then he wants to just chuck me into the other room with people I don't know instead of hanging with me. I know it sounds kinda queer but we're like brothers and we never see each other anymore. He didn't care that i was playing with him, just that someone filled up that slot. my best friend has changed tons since I've moved out. it's like, I grew up in urban New York, all over the four boroughs- I don't include staten island as a borough, they're traitors. and He grew up in suburbia, and it was always destined by stereotypical views that I be the screwup and he'll be successful. Well financially and job based he is doing better and i'm not mad at that. But the dude only likes drinking, he smokes pot now and listens to some of the worst music. We have nothing in common now! ppl were either playing halo or dicing up some pot they had and using it on this new hoo-kah they got. I can't even believe they paid money for that hoo-kah either, even though it looks cool and creative, I could've made him one for nothing. it's a Jose Cuervo bottle with 4 lines coming out and the loader in front of the label. He always buys the silliest shit, I was like, "Dude, why'd you waste money on this, I could've made one for you" he replied, "This looked cool and now we know how it's built so we can make our own and sell it on ebay." ugh, it wasn't complicated, nto that I condone his new habits, but I miss my old best friend. The one who bragged about sports when I didn't care, the one who just everything everywhere and had fun. Now it's about staying home drinking and smoking and downloading movies and playing video games.. and he still has mroe moeny then me! I'm clean and I can't affod to go to school like him, plus I have no major in mind, and he is still succeeding. it reminds me of my step family. I hated studying but once in a while I'd pick up the damn book from the bottom of my closet and work on my reports, my step-brothers would just do that shit the night before and pull in grades close to mine or soemtimes exceeded, and it made me angry. I think thats another reason why I view others as competition. It's funny how many friends he has racked up though, i'll give him that. I spent a majority fighting to protect him, physically and now he actually has people who want to come over. But I guess that because they come over for the free beer and pot. adn no 'rents to bother them. I won't subject myself to thinks I don't enjoy to rack up friends. I take anyone who is goofy and finds little things entertaining. However, at this phase in my life, All i've been worrying about is gettign out of debt and establishing a foundation to build my life upon... I don't have time for drinking or anything even if I wanted too. It's at this point where I agree my girlfriend is right that I worry too much for my age. I just want to have fun knowing everything is going to be ok with all the other parts of my life. I miss my muppet, I just hope she misses me. I got no phone today from Kansas from her. I asked her to get a calling card. I don't think i'm a priority or anything anymore. Especially since people are saying things like I've been robbed, yadda yadda yadda. I'm going to try going to bed now. Saturday TV at 4 am is bunk, there ain't shit on. Oh yeah, one more thing... why is it that the biggest fucking gumwads are such smartasses and defensive, ESPECIALLY when it comes to video games. There is this dude that was there, I dunno his name..but he was being pretty anal about certain topics with people. I don't look att his as talking behind their back but more as venting out without hurting their feelings. Because Honestly, overall I enjoyed their company except for the stoners... why do they act so dumb? It felt good to breath some fresh air... it just feels so empty and void inside of me without my baby by my side. I swear, one day i'm gonna do that big surprise i've had planned for her for a while, i just need that fucking money from my paintball event. Then, even thought I've been sloppy and lazy in my loving... she'll know she has always and WILL always be in my heart and on my mind. Goodnight sweetheart, wherever you're dreaming tonight, i'm dreaming of you. I look out my window at times hope you're staring at that star I always point out to you, but if not... at least we're both looking at the same sky. + ]

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