ObsidianWeasel

9:06am: What I Like about the Red Skins

Anyone who is from the metro D.C. area or are for some other reason ( like a brain malfunction) loyal to that locality and its sporting teams, read on, this is for you! That's Right, I am going to gush about the Washington Redskins and why they are so cool! This is a team that proudly displays a racial epitaph as its name and best of all, likes to hear thousands of rabid fans screaming said epitaph at the top of their lungs every Sunday. Sometimes on Monday. All their merchandising has the name on it, or even better, a cheap cigar box depiction of one of them redskins in a circle with feathers hanging off one side. Like thus:

I, for one, am always appreciative of the Washington Redskins (And the Atlanta Braves, and the Cleveland Indians) for standing up for their traditions in this day of over sensitive PC tree hugging crap. If colleges want to pretend they are all culturally sensitive and do away with decades of tradition (racist since 1933; or Racist in Washington DC since 1934!) just because a bunch of minority protest groups whine about stereotypes usurping millennia of their traditions (plus or minus 12,000 years), well fie on them and a pox too. Whimps. Liberal tree hugging metro-hypocritical whimps. I bet these idiots actually believe in that global warming scare, the one that the oil companies have proved is all just natural and has nothing to do with their product. But not our Redskins, no sir, they are brave, steeped in tradition (since 1934!), and proud of their heritage! Well, the borrowed heritage they usurp but I digress. What would they change it to anyway? The Washington Whiteskins? After all, we are talking about the single team that held out the longest on that irritating integration law the feds were pressuring them with. They have a long standing tradition (since 1934!) of being white bread.

This is a fun game I just thought up. I am going to suggest possible brave team logos for cities, and you try to guess what the team name could possibly be!

San Fransisco, California:

Harlem, New York:

Des Moines, Iowa:

Now wasn't that fun? How many did you guess?

So here, in no particular order, is

What I Like about the Redskins

1. They don't bow down to PC crap and choose to uphold their less then 100 year history no matter the thousands of years of history and later European genocidal repression of the people they are ripping off! And that takes guts.
2. Every Sunday we get to hear thousands of drunk Washingtonians make stereotypical Injun noises. Ohhhh ohhh ohhhhhh chop!
3. Our Nation's capitol has a sports team representing the people our nation stomped, kicked around, gave diseases to and shoved into tiny bits of swamp and desert land in order to be a nation in the first place. Everyone needs the history reminder.
4. Their colors are like, wicked cool. Yellow and redskin! Awesome.
5. On their official site, they encourage fans to upload videos of them screaming in pride and being part of the "Redskins community."

If you'd like to drop a line to the Washington Redskins and thank them for being so brave in the face of that boring cultural sensitivity bull shit, you can do so here: dsnyder@redskins.com or snail mail them here since they seem to want to hide their email address (that last is a guess, but probably right) 21300 Redskin Park Drive Ashburn, VA 20147.
While you are at it, be sure to thank the Atlanta Braves: braves.web@turner.com And the Cleveland Indians: (216) 420-HITS. Chief Waaaahoooo!

The Made Up word of the day:
slaptackular(adjective): The art of telling everyone that you need to be smacked upside the head, repeatedly, and with a crowbar or other heavy item preferably of iron construction. The slaptackular way whiny Redskins fans (racists) claim it is just tradition when they've only been a team name since 1933 must really infuriate those culturally sensitive liberal scum! WAAAHOOOOOOO

8:48am: What I like about the internet

Once upon a time there was this geek in his mother's basement furiously pounding away on his Tandy 500. Among other things. He had some geek friends and they all talked together on the ham radio giving themselves clever handles like Weasel-spank and Big Bone Jim. Then the first geek gets the idea that he could phone up his high school's computers and change his grades so he gets that A in gym that's been so elusive. Sadly, Weasel-Spank went to jail but his idea got his geek friends so hot and horny that they were pre-scanning naked pictures of porn stars before they even finished the necessary programing requied to hook up their computers via the phone line with each other. And now they're all millionaires living in their model trophy wife's basement while she has wild orgies on their kitchen table, furiously pounding away on their super fast 400 gb macs and PCs. Among other things. The moral of this story is; the birth of the internet.

Here's what I don't get. You know those pay servers that offer to sell you domain names? Who are they paying to let you have "www.fingerlickinglesbosex.org" as a domain name? Wasn't the idea of the internet the free exchange of information? Who is sitting back like god doling out domain names to services that sell them to you? And where is Weasel-Spank? He was so cool.

It's nothing new at all, just a new way of doing it. You think it is new and exciting to make a name for yourself and put up a webpage, but geeks have been doing this offline via their ham radios for a long time. But there are cooler graphics, even I have to admit that. Bandwith sucking epileptic causing blinking flashing moving graphics. Here's my graphic: Isn't it cool? Now in this day and age, anyone can have a website, anyone can say what they want, do what they want, there's even thousands of people out there taking Dungeons and Dragons off the table top and putting them into online games! You don't have to go outside anymore, you don't have to speak to actual humans (unless you have pal-talk. I am so envious. I want Pal-Talk. Even though I have a Phone which is the same exact thing). There are webcams so we know just how big Big Bone Jim's bone is, and online bank accounts, online bill paying, online shopping, online dating, online movies, online music, online living! I am waiting for the online vacation. Oh wait, they have that!

So here, in no particular order, is

What I Like About the Internet

1. No one needs to go outside anymore. This is a good thing since the sun will give you skin cancer, your neighbor might kill you, and your car contributes to global warming. Note to self; do next issue on global warming.
2. While such physical problems as obesity, carpel tunnel syndrome, glaucoma, dementia and tennis elbow have increased since the advent of the internet, the ability of people to lie about who they are and connect with other people who lie about their lives has increased. Fair trade!
3. Real people are overrated. Hot Avatars are so much better. They're always flawless.
4. Real names are overrated, even the cute ones with i's. Note to self; do next issue on people who spell their name cutely with an i. John, Bill, Jack, Mary, Melissa, how can names like this compare to Victor the Skull Sucker and Princess foo foo kitten claws? They can't compare. Stop naming your kids bullshit traditional names and stick to the new internet names. "Gee, SK8erbabe69, that was a great essay on Hemingway."
5. Real life is overrated. All that free nature, tree and flower and fresh air and exercise bullshit is just a tool of the man to make you turn off your computer and stop looking at pay for porn. The man is greedy and wants all the porn for himself. Don't give in!
6. Real relationships are overrated. It's so much better to go online and chat it up with sexy LordSodomy, master of Franticore and wielder of the Mystic Blue Hampster then to go meet Jim the accountant of Little Rock. You don't even have to make up excuses of leaving as soon as you orgasm; you can just claim a computer failure! And there's no presents to buy, there are ecards instead. Note to self; Do the next issue on ecards. Or forwards. Maybe hangnails.
7. You can buy whatever you need online and save on the gas. So what if you have to pay triple the normal shipping cost? Don't be such a cheap ass!
8. Now every hacker in the world can find out who you are, where you live, the names of your family members, what your ssn is, what your birthdate is, what your bank account is, and how much they can take from you when before then, these people would be stuck in their parent's basements whacking off to Indigo Girl Songs and stealing social security checks out of little old lady's mail boxes. I say it's a promotion.
9. Now every predator out there can have endless easy access to victims without all that tedious stalking and waiting bullshit. Who has the time to wait around the playground anyway?
10. To make parents feel better about the total lack of attention they give to their kids, the internet offers countless web pages about parenting, controlling internet usage and so on, designed to take up even more of their time. There is advice on family night and family games and family prayer time and family meals and while you are looking all this up, your kids are having awesome cyber sessions with guys who call themselves stuff like Daddy4U580.
11. Everyone can have a voice, even me. So long as you don't infringe upon TOS, or say the word Fuck too often or get anyone mad at you ever, you can say whatever you want. It's like freedom of speech without the freedom!
12. Everyone can now be just like everyone else. The internet is the great reducer and makes anyone with actual gifts in poetry, art, music and the like absolutely unnecessary. I like sameness. Sameness is easier to exploit. Baaaaaaa
13. Wikipedia. It's a free site that lets you tell the world about Franticore and the Mystic Blue Hampster. And that rocks so hard.

There's no single person to email or phone or write to on this one so here's my advice; send an ecard to your favorite internet celebrity and tell them you want to give them more then your soul. Ask them where to mail your kidneys. Don't forget the dry ice.

The Made Up word of the day:
Devolving (verb): The act of reducing the entire human species of the globe into mindless bad poetry spitting self-aggrandizing self-absorbed sameness thereby eliminating the worry that anyone might actually do anything of actual importance. It's a lucky thing the internet has managed to devolve the human race; we might have started to notice what was going on in the world otherwise and that would make everyone sad.

8:41am: What I like about Dick

Dick is awesome. There has never been anything so powerful in the history of the United States of America as Dick. Dick is even more powerful then Bush!

For you pagans and foreigners, Dick is the Vice President of the United States/evil mastermind. He's the former CEO of a prosperous contracting firm that is right now raking in billions of dollars thanks to the slaptacular fun that is Iraq. I wonder if Dick still has stock options in Halliburton, through a family member or some other brilliant way to make his bread and butter at the expense of the Iraqi people? I also wonder if you stuck Dick into Bush, if you'd get a dancing alien that jumps out of people's chest after feasting on their still beating hearts?



Dick is quite possibly the most powerful vice president in American history. We all know that Bush is just a warm, slippery Dick puppet, and since the administration has stripped away so many rights under the pretext of terror (meaning they terrorize us into being such idiots that we bought the entire 'give up freedoms to keep safe' line), we all get to be Stuffed with Dick! Honestly, I wish he could run for another term, the next crop doesn't look even remotely as demented.

So here, in no particular order is

What I Like About Dick

1. His name is Dick. And he is proud to go by that name. Dick.
2. Whenever there is a story on the tv news about Dick, we get to watch some journalist with a fake smile try not to blush at the mention of his super powerful super name.
3. With a little hat, he'd look like the chest bursting alien from Spaceballs. And Spaceballs is cool!
4. He's making millons destroying a country the size of Pennsylvania and rebuilding it over and over and over again. Money is sexy. Dick is then, sexy.
5. He has his very own Bush to use at whim. Power is also sexy.
6. There just aren't too many diabolical, cruel, ruthless dictators left in the world outside of France. It was nice to see it brought back to America.
7. He supports his daughter's right to hide her sexual orientation so that the whacko right doesn't hate him for raising a lesbian daughter. He's also not afraid to use his own grandchildren in some photo-op grandstanding attempting to repair his image as the guy who raised a lesbian daughter. "Look! One of my kids went straight!"
8. His name. Is. Dick.

Email Dick and let him know how much you'd love to be the pod-host of his alien brood! You may as well, you know, it will be better to comply when the ships land. Resistance is futile.
Vice_president@whitehouse.gov

The Made Up word of the day:
Dickery (noun) Political trickery as created by Dick Cheney. The cleverest Dickery I know of is how Dick-in-Bush convinced the American People that illegal wire taps on everyone's phone was a necessary evil in the fight against a people that we armed to begin with so that they could aid us in the war against the spread of communism.

11:04pm: What I Like About the South Carolina DSS

There's a wonderful service of our state governments called the Department of Social Services or DSS. DSS is in every state but the one in South Carolina is the best of them all, bar none. Family social service is their mission plan and they do such a bang up job! Why, in one recent case, a stupid girl was caught doing some drugs and so they took away her 6 month old son. Except on the paperwork, they said he was 9 months old, and so stuffed him full of solid foods and decided he was undernourished because he had no teeth. They are so smart, I bet they all have degrees from an accredited correspondence course in basket weaveing (for teams). But their genius is not limited to simple oversights of age, oh no, they also had the wrong father written on the child's paper work and so when the father, who is clean, came to collect his son, they told him he wasn't the father and then proceeded to explain to him why he should doubt the girl's claim that he was! Awesome! And of course, since all babies thrive in the system, instead of placing him in the loving arms of his grandmother, who had pretty much raised him anyway, they bounced him from foster home to foster home until he developed an acute respiratory problem, but oh, it was the mother's fault because she should have known he would get sick!

My personal favorite is that the case worker, a fine upstanding civic worker, decided to share details of the case with co-workers and anyone else who phoned her, which apparently is not illegal in South Carolina. Perhaps it isn't even a broach of conduct or an abuse of power there, yay South Carolina!! She even told people (people who were unconnected to the case) that she doubted the mother would clear rehab or parenting classes and they were already making plans to put the baby up for adoption! Obviously this is a clear case of our government doing the right thing, and anyone who disagrees with me is a bigot because the family happens to be white, and the case worker black, and we all know that civil servants are sweet, well tempered people who are bitter because they were not forced into work programs and off welfare thanks to that bone head Clinton. Stupid, dummy head Clinton.

As it stands right now, they have forced both the mother and father into rehab, even though the father never tested positive for any narcotic, determined the child cannot be returned until the two have moved in together, into an approved and inspected place of residence, forbidden them to live with relatives such as a mother or father, dictated how many hours each must work every week, prescribed parenting classes to teach them how to raise the son they had been raising for six months, and have given custody of the child to a cousin of the father but force her to put the child into a day care center (also known as a baby farm) because it is, after all, important to the social development of a nine month old to be in an overcrowded day care center where the state determined proper ratio of adults to children is one to ten. In the mean time, they are charging both mother and father about 400 dollars (American) each every month to support the child that was taken away and had to be placed in a non-parental house hold. Sorry dad, you're SOL!

So here, in no particular order, is

What I like about the South Carolina DSS

1. The claim on their website that they are there for the sake of the entire family may not be true but it is a nice thing to say.
2. There seems to be no avenue to lodge a complaint or report of abuse of power of a case worker or county office. Who needs complaints? Complaints are so negative and we need more positive in the world.
3. They all know the new math. They must, because it is now nine months between January and the following June.
4. They are so busy protecting the family structure that they can't be bothered with pesky details like six months old shouldn't eat apples and peanut butter. It can only make them stronger.
5. DSS stands for Department of Social Services. And SS stood for something too but I can't remember. Acronyms are so cool.
6. They are careful to make examples out of poor white kids so no one can charge them with racial bias. That is so smart, all branches of the government should start that.
7. They tried to make a young man doubt that his son was really his son and implied that his girlfriend was a whore. More young men's minds need to be fucked with like that.
8. They can easily exploit people who can't hire big lawyers and get them to do whatever they want no matter how stupid and autocratic. Abuse of Power kicks ass!
9. They aren't concerned with staffing their offices with well educated and compassionate people. There is no room in any government office for the educated or the compassionate. Sig Heil!
10. DSS plays god with people's lives. How cool is that?

I am sure the South Carolina Department of Social Services has email, but they oddly neglect to list it on their website. So here is the phone number of the State Director so anyone reading this can call them and tell Dr. Hayes herself what a bang up job she is doing! (803) 898-7360.

The Made Up Word of the day:
Edumacation (noun): The highest level of education the South Carolina DSS requires. Don't call me ignorant. I got an edumacation in social work.