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ChAnGinGTiDeS

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New Adventure [25 Jul 2013|08:51pm]
I am so nervous. I know that this is going to help, especially if I find an awesome internship for the summer but that doesn't mean I am not terrified of what is going to happen. I need to take the fear I'm feeling and transform it into something positive. As the days close in I can't stop getting distracted and thinking that I am about to be back in school and that my future is about to have so many more options.

Right now I have to focus on packing. I have everything else taken care of so I just hope that I am able to pack what I need for the next couple of months. this is legit. This is happening. I think that's what is freaking me out....this is actually happening.
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Friendships? Ha! [26 Aug 2012|10:08pm]
So this has been on my mind the last couple of weeks. Friendships. I used to not believe in them at all, which I assume is a side effect of moving around all the time. Now, I know they can exist but usually only last that stage of your life. How many friends from high school do you still speak to? None? That is because those friends served a purpose and when everyone went on to college/military/work you didn't see those people every day and the type of friend you needed changed. College friends are the same. They are there to help you adjust and get through the college years. How many people hung out with college frinds during the summer? Kept in contact with them during the summer? I am not saying this is the case for everyone. I'm sure I am one in the million of people who do not keep in contact with past friends. Anywho. Making friends in a new city is the same way-once you move away from that city those friends become useless in a way.

Maybe this is just me. I will admit in the past I was not good at keeping up with friends. I would move and forget about them. But I am trying to change my ways but its hard when the people you actually want to stay in connect with are going down a different path and moving towards their own goals. I am not the type of person that will continue contact if the other person isn't doing the same. It is a two way street. And if they aren't interested in keeping our friendships going through the different stages of life then I am okay with not.

It is what it is. The thing is I am not a group person but I want to be. I want to have a core group of friends to share all of the ridiculous life happenings and go out for HH and try out new spots in the city but I am so dang awkward. I don't know how to get around that. I think I am a pretty awesome person to know but it does take a little while for me not only to come out of my shell but also for the other person to get used to my awkwardness and sarcastic tendencies. But I don't how to show people that right away.

Well I guess the first thing I should focus on is getting them to hire me permanently. All of this other stuff can wait.
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Just don't know... [01 Aug 2012|01:56pm]
Honestly I don't know what I am doing with my life right now. I feel so directionless. I don't know what I want to do. Why do I want to work in a nonprofit? I don't even know. That's not a good thing when you can't answer that simple question. I just don't know what I want to do with my life or what I want out of life. It feels like I am just going through the motions. I am completely unfocused and I don't know how to get a focus. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Why can't I figure this out? Why am I just going through the motions? I wish I knew what purpose I am supposed to have. There literally is nothing that I can think of that makes sense to my life right now. I have nothing to show for the last couple of years. Besides graduating college what else do I have? Honestly, I am such a mess. I try to talk to others about it but I hate feeling like a burden. There is no one that I feel like I can honestly talk to without being annoying or like I'm bothering them.

I just need to figure out what I am supposed to do, but I just can't. Gah, it just sucks feeling like everything I plan falls apart. Peace Corps-fell apart, Grad School-not happening at this point. What have I committed to that hasn't been destroyed? Its not even like I can blame anyone but myself. There is no one to blame but myself. It like I don't want to succeed, not even succeed, but I feel like I get in the way of my own plans. Like I am the reason that everything falls apart. oh dang. That's hard to admit. I am the reason that my life has gone down this road. I am the reason that I haven't achieved everything I want. There really is no one else to blame. Crap. I am my own kryptonite. What are you supposed to do when you have an epiphany like this? SERIOUSLY?? This is amazing. I don't know if this is going to hit me all right now or if I am going to have to come to this epiphany more than once. AHHHHH

What am I supposed to do now? Dance? Shake my groove thang? OMGOSH. I am my own kryptonite. This is serious. Getting in the of other peoples plans are different but f**king up your own plans? That is low. Damn. I need to do something. Like, seriously. Get out and figure this whole thing. I need to take a shower. I need a poster board.


STEP 1: take shower
STEP 2: Live my life!
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Recent Woes [27 Jul 2012|06:33pm]
So it seems that once again graduate school is out of reach for me. I hate that I get my hopes up and its just snatched away from me.

So I'm not going to get my hope up. I am going to keep my options open. I will look for real life grown up jobs and I will enjoy it. I will look for jobs that will help pay for my masters.

It's so funny because this is not where I saw my life when I was younger. Ugh, I just hate having to face everyone in my family when I tell them that I will not be going to school in the fall. I hate their judgmental looks and sighs. I can't stand it. So I need a place to work full time and than move out into my own apartment.

This is what needs to happen.
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Ready to admit [17 May 2012|12:50am]
I talk a lot of game but I have none. Seriously, I can totally hype myself up but when the situation is in front of me...I run like a little girl. Legit.
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One of those random fact things from Facebook [06 May 2012|09:37pm]
Rules:
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
1. i'm the youngest of 6
2. i say/do random things
3. i'm working on my procrastination...its hard.
4. i want to go skydiving or snowboard
5. if i could travel the rest of my life that would be awesome
6. i hate staying in one place to long..i get the jitters
7. i work at a movie theater b/c i get to see movies for free
8. i'm one of the cheapest person u will ever meet
9. i like all kinds of music..but not the biggest fan of rap and r&b (i
10. i don't know what i want to do with my life...i'm pretty much just going with the flow
11. i tend to not be able to cover up my emotions...its usually written on my face
12. i think people mistake my sarcasm for being mean
13. i don't like using big words..or people who use them...its so much easier to keep it simple..
14. i don't like fights, arguments or anything like that..i'm not that great with confrontation
15. i can't spell at all..and i tend to say words wrong..
16. i self diagnosed myself with ADD..i get distracted easily..oohh pretty butterfly :-)
17. i look up to my mom, sisters & brother b/c they have been though so much and are still going strong
18. i want to be a good role model for my nephew
19. clowns, squirrels & some small children tend to scare me
20. i secretly believe in true love..and i think mine is still out there (blame those darn disney movies)
21. i dislike fashion..and i don't think people should follow it so much...but i do love bags
22. i'm not a fan of technology...my dell laptop is worse than the devil to me lol
23. i miss the fact that when i was the a kid the world was so simple and i didn't know all of the boxes people part themselves and me in..i miss those days.
24. i don't party..i enjoy hanging out and watching movies
25. last one...i am trying to build up courage to do things that i would never do.
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New attitude [23 Apr 2012|07:24pm]
everything is going to work out. I can't be down in the dumps anymore whatever is supposed to happen will! There's no point of being sad and depressed about life...what kind of living is that? Its time to make sure that my heart and body are healthy and are going to be able to handle everything that happens in life. I can't control how other people react but I can control how I react. Why give them space in my head? There's no reason when I have such great moments in life that are going to need brainspace. This is what I'm living with right now. I am living with the now. I am living with the okay, I am living with the great. I am living with the one day. I am living with the adventure. I am living with the spirit. I am living with the sunshine. I am living like I've never lived before. I want to make a change that it's pulling at me. There is no need for this negative void in my life. there is no need for anger and hate. There is no need for any of that. This is going to be a new start. I will not let it follow me anymore. I will smile everyday. i will thank whoever it may be for the wonderful smile things in life...I WILL stop and smell the roses/whatever flowers I can find...I will take each chance to do something new and exciting...I will not back down from life or let others effect everything that happens in my life. I will become the person that I dream about because life isn't a dream...this reality and I need to make sure that I am living every moment. Good bye haters. Good bye those who wish to mess with my head. Good bye to everyone who refuse to believe. Good bye.
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Can't believe... [11 Apr 2012|11:07pm]
Can't believe that the residents thought it would be funny to put a condom filled with something above my door...real funny. Ugh, I can't be here any more...and it's not like they are going to get in trouble for this...there is no way I can find out who put it there. This school is a freaking joke. There is no respect. No structure. Nothing. Its just a bunch of jokes. I am just mad at myself for deciding to come here...there's really no one to blame but myself. This place makes me feel dead inside...seriously like there is nothing there....I need to leave as soon as possible....I can't be happy here. There is no possible way that I would be able to be glad that I'm here EVER.

ust want to be free.
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Sometimes... [27 Feb 2012|01:05am]
So this has just been a recent occurring issue but sometimes I really cannot fall asleep...and my mind races like crazy. Which is what i'm worried about being. Since women do not feel the effect of mental diseases until about 25...what if its happening to me? Its one of the TOP things I worry about. Mental issues run rampant throughout my family...so it could very well happen to me. What if that's what I am going through right now? How do you know if you have a mental issue? Are there tests? And the answer would be YES. I need to take one of those.
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Honestly [20 Feb 2012|01:59am]
There has to be a reason that I'm here. I can't think of it right now but there needs to be a purpose of what I am doing. Sometimes, I seriously just want to scream and yell. I can't stay in this situation anymore. I know that it is just two more months but to think of having to be here for 60 more days is the worst thing I could possibly imagine. I wouldn't wise this on my enemies. I just wish there was a better reason I was. I wish I could tell them that following someone around and doing every little thing that she says is the worst way to live your life. That having an opinion of who you want to befriend and who you don't is one the best parts of college--no one to tell you you can't be friends with someone. But they don't seem to realize that. I just can't keep sane in this place--seriously May 18th can't come fast enough. And it's not even the students that make this place a living hell--its mainly because this is NOT what I want to do. I wish I never agreed to any interviews or accepted this position. I don't know what I would be doing right now but I know that I would be able to sleep in peace without having to worry about someone going to my boss saying that it's too loud on the floor or whatever. Seriously not something I want to deal with on a day to day basis. Ugh the slamming of those damn doors. I would behead someone for slamming the doors AND they know that its loud and annoying AND they still do it...but seriously how childish does opening the door and slamming it after I leave make you look? Very. And tearing down all of the work that I did. Great job and looking like an adult.

I'm just tired...and I wouldn't mind so much if this was what I want to do..please I wouldn't feel tired at all if I was in another country working on something that had meaning...but this job? This job is a joke, a complete joke, these girls could give a rats ass about anything and it will bite them in their butts when they are older but until than they are going to think that they are right and have the upper hand. Wish I could tell them that they are not as smart as they think they are....just idiotic freshman who clearly have little or no brain cells.

This job makes me hate people...and not just all people...but a specific group. I need a break after May.

Two more months.
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Don't know... [01 Feb 2012|07:26pm]
SO I have no clue what I REALLY want. I've been working out for the last week or two and I know that I should work out...that I need to get fit...that I think I'll feel better if I am. But what am I doing? NOT working out. Today I just don't have it in me but I need to...if I don't than it just stops and I have to start all over again...which I don't wanna do.

Wish this was all easier, but its not...at all. Life is just this complete and utter puzzle to me. Don't know how to make it through or what to do. Just feel like a tumbleweed...there is no here or there...its all confusion. Just wish there was someone out in this wide world that I could honestly talk to....don't even know how to explain it to myself so it would be pointless to have someone else involved. I want what I want, but I don't know what I want.

Sometimes I think having a boyfriend would solve a lot of this...maybe just being there to confide in but than I realize that that could easily bring a whole lot fo other issues. I NEED to work out. I NEED to lose weight. I NEED to not get winded so easily. And not being an X-Large wouldn't hurt. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and think...dang, you look good and THEN walk outside and still think that. There have been many days that I think I look great but then I walk outside and I feel like shit.

What is going on? GAH....I need to keep at least one promise to myself because who knows where the rest of my life is going. It's definitely not doing what I want it to. Wish this was easier done than said.

Lonely, sad and confused doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.
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Funk [24 Dec 2011|11:20pm]
Need to figure out how to get far away from this funk that I am in. Don't know what to do. I hate feeling like this. How do I get this to stop? It feels like there is nothing to live for AND I know there is something to live for. Just can't seem to find it....it's not like I am ever going to cut myself but if I wasn't super afraid of it and worried that I would mess up than I would completely do it. Maybe I would feel something.

That is all.
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Gah, ugh, blah [10 Dec 2011|08:25pm]
So I guess it hurts when you realize that you don't actually have any friends where you life. The best I have are co-workers but it sucks when there are cliques and honestly I am not part of any of them. Plus they all have friends and family...and I have no one. I know why I moved to this city but still feel like at leatst I was making money and had friends in Nashville...I would've figured something out down there. Here I have nothing. There's no one to talk to or hang out with and I don't want to keep bothering people to hang out when no one ever asks to hang out with me...I guess I am ready to admit that I am really lonely here and it sucks. I just want to be able to have friends and enjoy the time I have here. Can't say I've made a real friend so far and it just sucks, especially when I see the other co-workers hanging out or doing stuff together; why can't you invite me? And you know that I am game for doing something..but thats okay ignore my text messages...
gah, being lonely sucks. especially since I've never actually been lonely...I've always had friends or "acquaintances" that where semi-friends but not here...there's nothing.
Buck up buttercup? that's what I've gotta do...blah
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reading this makes me smile [21 Oct 2011|09:56pm]
reading my "bio" makes me think of who i was just a few years ago...this is who i was in 2005. can you believe that? its been SIX whole freaking years! I can't believe who much time has passed...and i still remember to randomly update this journal...it may be one of the things I like the most about the internet...being able to have secret journals-it doesn't matter what i say because no one will know who i am and i don't know who they are. it's amazing.

What can I say??

I am a pretty quiet person..but mostly because i never know what to say.

I like to keep my emotions to myself i never tell people how i truly feel to their face.

i despise technology i love the simple things in life

i'm a double major...Global Studies and CAS..hoping to find an escape from my reality and help others with theirs.

i pretend i don't believe in love when i really can't wait for someone to say they love me & mean it.
(i'm a hopeless romantic)

i tend to laugh out loud at things that happened days before.

i read alot but don't remember most of it.

i like to watch movies-the scarier or more suspenseful it is the better

i like to talk in third person because its awesome

i am a dork only 19 hours a day..the other hours i am sleeping

i am trying to stand up for what i believe in

i have become more open with some of things that have happened in my life...they do not define me, i define myself.

i want to travel...i can not stay in one place that long..

i want to try (almost) everything once...food from other cultures make my day

i daydream all the time...my mind can't stay focus

i have self-diagnosed myself with ADD..shinny things are amazing
....butterflies too

you can enter my heart through my stomach..mind...and eyes via food, conversation and movies.

i enjoy watching movies

i am not able at all to tell a guy how i feel...something i am working on.

i want to yell at the top of my lungs several times a day

i enjoy the rain...and dancing in it

i am very uncertain and insecure about a lot of things

i don't have a main goal in life...it constantly changes

i always wonder why real life cannot be like some movies

very often i will say something w/o thinking ( there is no filter)

holding hands freak me out..of course its just a wall i put up until someone finds away around it

i need to find the truth.

i am emotional; i cry at random moments..but i hate doing it in front of people

my life is boring but i like to think i am the exact opposite

i want to be accepted, even though i say i don't

sleep is my friend/enemy...i can never get the perfect combo.

i wish that one day .... i will get what i hope for.
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heyhey [05 Oct 2011|11:34pm]
this is like the one place that i know i can say whatever i want and not have to worry about anyone seeing it because lets be honest...who has a blurty anymore? (which i am completely okay with)

ugh-how life has flipped and done a 180 at least like twelve times since the last time i wrote

how is it possible that a job that isn't going to take you anywhere (being a server) but pays extremely well? honestly i didn't need anyones help when i was serving...i could've helped them! but now i am working in the nations capital trying to do something that is supposed to help out my career and its lthe exact opposite..i'm struggling to stay afloat..seriously i can't pay to take the metro/do laundry/anything-if i didn't have a job on a college campus i would be so screwed right now b/c i would not have any food or a place to sleep...so thank goodness for that.

how about the fact that i don't have any good leads for anything after this fellowship is up...how does that work? shouldn't i be attracting more people? nope not at all.

this keeps me up at night...i don't think i've had a good nights rest because i'm freaking out about money/surviving. i just wish this was easier (but then again if it was easier it wouldn't be life)

ugh i don't even know what to say. it makes me so angry just thinking about it.

ugh. i want to be positive but its just so hard when there are so many obstacles in the way. :-/
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Arghhhh!!! [18 May 2011|07:07pm]
So I guess I should write down the rest of what happened to me in the south...for the most part of what I can remember (lol). So my birthday was ridiculous...lets just say i drank way too much, blacked out and ended up sleeping with this kid whose brother worked with me (and i messed around with him like two weeks earlier) so i guess i can check messing around with brothers off my bucket list :-) haha..go me! also that night i made out with him and some other guy who two weeks later i also had sex with (kinda feel like a whore but WHATEVER lol). and then some other guy a week before i left. what sucks about that is that now i'm back in connecticut living with my mother...so how am i supposed to get some now? lol. and i don't have a car...so my only option is to find a part-time job where i can meet some guy(s) LOL can't help it. but thats pretty much all thats on my mind...and finding a real grownup job. so thats my dilema
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just thinking [12 Apr 2011|03:32pm]
totally wish that i thought i was pretty...like today im staring into the mirror and i dont see anything that is beautiful about me. its really horrible. i dont know what to do to change that. i just wish i was pretty
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goodness gracious [17 Mar 2011|11:27pm]
alrighty so funny thing...i should've read the last entry i wrote and stuck to the whole plan of not doing anything with the country guy at work because clearly it didn't work out that well for me. sooo i did end up having sex with him (eck) i mean i don't even think it should count since it wasn't even that good..like seriously he was badddd...like flopping around like a fish bad. but i did because i wanted to. that went on for like maybee a month but then he decided that he wanted to end it because there weren't any feelings involved (which i was okay with) and that he just wasn't interested anymore...which is AKA i found someone else i want to have sex with...even though he claimed that he wasn't going to have sex for a while until he found that special person which i would like to call complete bullshit on because i KNOW there was someone else..and i know it shouldn't really bother me because i didn't want to date date him but it kind of does...and it probably will until i find someone else to distract me. which i'm trying to work on but its kinda complicated since he was kids/getting a divorce and apparently his ex wife is a crackhead so he can't really leave the kids with her since they probably won't be taken care of so there really isn't any time for him to hang out...which i just want to. and we were supposed to meet up tonight but i guess he couldn't find a babysitter..grrrrr. and its not like there are any options at work..and i kinda don't wanna deal with that again. gr. what sucks more then country ending it is that now its all i think about...seriously. like i just want to have sex. lots of sex. there i said it. and i can't..because what i want won't happen...how hard is it to find someone who is okay with having sex with no feelings but everything else that happens in a relationship? lol..like i wanna go out to the movies and hang out but I don't want to be in a relationship...that shouldn't be so hard to find should it? grrr. maybe i'll find it when i go back home..which isn't until may soo i hope i can have sex before than because that would be like two months without any sex when i got used to doing it like everyother day boooo. and its not like i go out down here to meet guys...plus the white guys down here aren't really interested in me...or aleast the ones that i have meet. the biggest part is that i STILL freeze up when i talk to guys...like i have to have confidence that i am attractive and that guys think i'm pretty...but that is hard to think when no one has said that to me. like i'm not saying that my self esteem is tied up to what someone else says to me but it doesn't hurt to know that some guy thinks that your beautiful. especially when its a guy that you find attractive. like i've had guys down here tell me i'm pretty or show that they are interested in me but its not the ones that i want to be interested in me. ya know? i don't think i have super high standards but why should i pretend to be interested in someone just because he's interested in me? argh there isn't anyone to talk to about this like no one would really understand. argh. i just need to find someone to replace country with and FAST. it just sucks seeing him at work all the freaking time...like i want to make it seem like i'm over it and that i don't miss him (even though it was bad..weird right?) at least it was something...and now i have nothing but my cold bed :-/ it just sucks. a lot. and now i need to go do some laundry since i don't have any clean uniforms for work tomorrow :-( and yay for getting to see country again tomorrow night and saturday night (not)...grrrr i just need to get some lol.
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last couple of months [20 Jan 2011|06:09pm]
so i don't know for sure when the last time i wrote was but lets just say a lot has happened (kinda). finally i did get a job as a server at a restaurant. which has actually been pretty good...i've meet some pretty cool people. of course because of who i am...when i am bored and there aren't really any guys that are super attractive i make one attractive in my head...and this time isn't any different. he's country (which is what i sorta wanted since i'm in the south now) but dang is he complicated...like i'm having a monet of 'he's just not that into you...but he is...but he isn't.' seriously its quite frustrating. so as much as i want to continue it i'm gonna have to let it go and pretend that i do not have a thing for him because he clearly has nooo clue what he wants. even though i would TOTALLY give it up to him...to bad he doesn't know what a treat that would be :-) haha. as much as i don't wanna think about having to move on and find some other guy i'm going to have to because he is just.....not that into me/sending way to many mixed signals.
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random because its late...at least late for me. [07 Nov 2010|12:11am]
soooooooo just read a whole bunch of entries from five years ago and i'd like to think i've changed but i don't really know for sure....i'm still super selfconscience. i still don't have a boyfriend/never been kissed/etc. so i think the only thing that has changed is that i gained weight.
its so funny i thought i was huge in college but i was actually skinny...hmmm where would that messed up line of thinking come from?

i was gonna write more but i think i'm just gonna go to sleep since i have to work in the morning.
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