Blurty for .Cupid.Killer..

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Thursday, November 13th, 2003

Time:8:59 pm.
yeah so im deleting this journal bc its gey n bc i didnt want anyone reading it....bye.
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Wednesday, November 12th, 2003

Time:6:12 pm.
Mood: dirty.
ok, seriously, im not emo n my journal is for me. n if ur not 13, kat, eugene, or jupie, u have no right to read this, so dont! u cant read my fucking journal without me knowing n then judge me on it, n that goes for everyone! so anyways, i talked to meg today n it made me happy, i still consider her family. she rox, she yelled at her mom m told her that she misses me n that its her fault i left n shes mad at her for it. meg rox! o man, i found some guy in my school to stalk...hes gorgeous. wow. so yeah, too cold to sit down here, n everyone should take this as a hint to leave my journal alone bc its mine, n ot urs! n i mean it, beat it!
p.s. i think ive gotten over my stage fright lol
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Time:3:52 pm.
Fight Club!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla
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Tuesday, November 11th, 2003

Time:10:22 pm.
Mood: confused.
Music:norma jean - memphis will be laid to waste.
so yeah, got really bored today n took all thses weird sex surveys n they all pretty much told me the same thing...that im a slut! woo hoo! whatever, fuck everything. so yeah, im gunna kill myself, not literally, but i cant stop thinking about mike. like, what if theres some sort of chance for us? ahhhhh! i have two weeks to loose some weight. lol, im sick in the head i know, but whatever. i feel disgusting. n i want mike. he doesnt understand what he started. i cant get that night out of my head, its crazy. ahhhhhh. hes so being molested. like no joke...but in a way he scares the shit out of me, like seriously! im so scared of what hes capable of/...i dont know how to keep a guy like him happy ya know? ive never even met someone like him lol. lol, i just realized im talking to 2 guys named mike online at the same time n talking about amike too. im obsessed with mikes... please, no more mikes. john bragg is gunna teach me how to kick some ass. john n chris r gunna be my new friends. they rock! i made them spaghetti n stuff. lol. i wanna go there like everyday now. its so much fun without the scumbags there. n i ate some damn good banana nut breAd. so yeah, i see water dripping from teh ceiling n i really dont wanna be electrictued so im gunna go! laterz!
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Subject:hahaha! slut
Time:1:11 pm.
praying mantis

Your Sexual Power Animal is a Praying Mantis!

Aggressive, dominant, and ruthless

When it comes to sex, it's all about your needs

You get off when you want and how you want

You could care less what your partner desires

And when it's over - it's on to the next victim!

What's Your Sexual Power Animal?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
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Time:12:54 pm.

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?
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Subject:i rock
Time:12:48 pm.
I'm an Atheist!

Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?

Take More of Robert & Tim's Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim's Cartoons

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Subject:im tired...
Time:2:04 am.
Mood: cranky.
Music:american nightmare- i saved latin.
yeah, i feel like a dick, went to marks n just fell asleep, o well. so, jupie actually met me after school n we hung out for a while, n i hafta admit, i had alot of fun. i hope me n him can remain good friends for the time we're both in ulster. went to braggs house, i think bear gave me mono again lol. ive never felt this cold in my life, im home n im wearing 3 sweatshirts...i had fun at braggs, im starting to look past peoples peeves n shit. tom makes me feel whatever, hes a freak. im gunna see mike this weekend, i think we're gunna do shrooms, or they r anyways n ill just watch after things? im gunna not drink too much anymore, unless i know its "safe", ya get what i mean? im so tired of being the slut, i wanna boyfriend. im not really interested in anyone from up here, at least no-one logical. well, im so tired n stuff...
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Monday, November 10th, 2003

Time:12:34 am.
Mood: creative.
um, wow, i have absolutely no complaints, except for the fact that mike scares the shit out of me n im sooooo afraid to see him. but other than that had an awesome weekend!
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Saturday, November 8th, 2003

Subject:ca ca
Time:12:20 am.
Mood: content.
Music:mellincolin- ballad.
yeah, everyone at school thinks i have cancer. lol. i like school. i made little jigga hwat friends that call me d-dot, its great. n yeah, its cool. im at kats drinkin a beer. i need to relax, ya know? i worked all night after school n after getting stuck on the bridge. pretty exciting times. well, later.
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Friday, November 7th, 2003

Subject:dooby dooby doo
Time:12:18 am.
Mood: anxious.
Music:real horror show-mewithoutyou.
so yeah, i started KHS today, its actually not that bad yet. i enjoyed myself. i have a few friends already. i didnt see jessi or joe yet. i saw kat, jon carpino, john schwartz n jimmy hardgrove. it was so funny. the only person that actually expected me n wasnt like, what r u doing here was jimmy. i was actually expecting him to be a dick, but he was really nice. it was an enticing day. lol.i had all thse freshman obsessing over me n coming up to me bc tehy all know the twins. it was cute. so yeah, i have no buddly list n it sux. jupie, u should come to khs n visit me. i have 5th n 6th free its cool. i think jon carpino is officially scar3ed of me. thinks im stalking him. hahaha. i love it. i did my homework n im all ready for school tomm n im excited. i feel almost complete. i love it. n that mike kid did his dance for me....haha. lovin it....
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Monday, November 3rd, 2003

Subject:why bother...its gunna hurt me, its gunna kill when u desert me...
Time:12:55 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Music:weezer-why bother.
so, uh, yeah...u know the drill...the same old shit happened. im not sad thsi time though, im fucking pissed. im sick of this shit. mike is a scum bag n he should be murdered in the face...& jesse, u better watch ur back bitch, ill kill you! FUCK NEW JERSEY! i hate new jersey boys...i hate new jersey...i hate evruything at the moment, but i know in a few days ill be over mike n ill find some new guy to fuck my head up all over agin...the worst thing? i have battle scars...i wanna punch myself inn the face everyutime i look in the mirror...whatever, i start school wed. ill go n find some cute little 15 year old, there so much easier to maintain, there like pupies...ive dewcided im never going back to jersey ever again...n im not gunna tell kat, but even pete botheres me. ahhhhhh. iw anna go n beat someone up. im so pissed, i cant even belive this shit. wow, if he comes to kats house over break, ill kill him while hes sleeping, and ill shove that fucking rat up his ass while im at it...
fuck everything....
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Sunday, November 2nd, 2003

Time:10:51 am.
Mood: determined.
Music:a static lullaby- love to hate, hate to me.
hopefully ill see mike today. we're headin down to jersey later i believe...haha, kats finally up, i can hear the kinda filled with lotsa mixed body is extremely soar n bruiosed...animalism...haha. i dont mind it though, it was well worth it. jupie, well, he kinda got me mad bc he tells me he wants ta hang out n then goes to albany, i dont know what i was expecting differently though...and i miss mike already. im really confused as to what happened though... he wasnt interested in me at all...n then, he was? maybe it was just the alchohal we shared, not the moment? ahhhhh. whatever, ill find out today i guess? im not sure how to act now though, like should i kiss him hello, should i be all cute n shit? all should i just be how i always was to him?hes the aggresive one, ill let him show me how we should be i guess? mikes had me thinking about alot of shit the past two days...i feel really good about everything! well, i need food n a smoke, so yeah...buh bye
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Saturday, November 1st, 2003

Subject:a sigh of fresh air
Time:7:12 pm.
Mood: awake.
Music:everytime i die-logic.
so, yeah, sorry, ive been in teh middle of moving n dont have my internet up. i officially reside at 10 longyear ave. its great! n , i think i mighta found a boy. he makes me all tingly n giggly just thinkin about, his name is mike, n he's kats new flames best friend...he is the biggest animal in life, but i love it. hes so down to earth n intellectual. i hope when im his age i know as much as he does. not like book smart iether, but he does like to read which rox, but hes smart about life n everything. hes like the only person i know who's actually happy with his life. hes been on his own for the past 3 years, and hes made this great life for himself, n i admire that so much. he has a real job, real friends n has no patience for stupid fake people. hes my jersey boy...i think i might really like this one.ya know how im always like, o i want a guy who will just hold me n tell me that everythings gunna be ok, even if its not? well, thats what he was saying to me as he held me n kissed me, n the best part? i belived him. how can u not? holy shit, i think ive met my match. he defenitely wears the pants in this one, n i kinda like it. hes such an animal...i just hope the same old shit doesnt happen again. i dunno, bc his bf said that he hast seen mike with a girl in like 3 years, n he wouldnt bs me ta try n get his friend some booty, ya know? i think i like, want him to be my boyfriend or something....i dont even know. its been so long since ive had contact with a guy whos actually worth the effort. im so comfortable with him, hes like, ec\xactly what i want...get this ok? hes a bit older, hes funny as hell, hes a guitarist in a band, and hes a chef! woah, u all know how much i love food, hes the man of my dreams! haha, woah, just read what i wrote, i feel lucky just to know this guy...ah, my aunt saw my hicky...i almost died! i told her it was a misquito bite...i dont think she belived me.i feel so comfortablke here. im just in a good mood all the time.i wish jen would come up n visit though. then everything would be perfect, i miss our big lesbian threesomes...blah! well im gonna run, later ....
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Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

Time:3:14 pm.
Mood: creative.
Music:Pat Benetar - Hit Me With Your Best Shot.
(jen, i love u n i dont mean anything bad by what i write in my journal, its a way to vent without having to tell everything to u guys n bother u with my stupid shit, so take none of this personally... n teh codiene, medicine for my bronchitus, i just dont take it during the day so i have more to take at night so i can feel all tingly n fuzzy n then actually sleep....)
so yeah, today mightve been my last day at suffern, tomm im goin upstate with my dad to go to khs, im kinda excited! lol. so this weekend i had alot of fun at kats, billy thinks im just trying to force myself to have fun, but i dont think its true, maybe i forced myself to be in a good mood around jordan n kate n john n them, but i ended up having alot of fun being nice to them. so yeah, kat met this guy who looks just like jordan, but hes 20 n lots of tatoos n he drinks all the time n he has nice cars n actually does stuff with his life, the problem here? he lives in mahwah, lol. his friends r awesome too. i had fun hangin out with them, i felt like a kid, like id known them forever. it wa cool, so kats been coming down to hang out with him, she seems happy n now we're all happy. me kat n jen, all happy at the same time, lol, weird. so last night i stalked ernie n gave him a 6 page letter telling him everything i feel n think about him. i felt bad giving him such a negative leter lol, he was being really nice to me at seans n i felt like a dick. but a funny thing happened today, i felt completely free. i know hell never forgive me for some of the things i said in that letter n i love it! hell prolly feel really bad after reading it, n that makes me feel good. as bad as it sounds, im free from him. for the first time in 5 years i fel free n im excited to get out there n find love. my heart is no longer black n scarred, its like, reborn n shit. lol, i sound like the biggest dork, but i feel great! me n torres became friends again a few weeks ago so he came to get me last night, i had so much fun with that boy. he doesnt realize how much he means to me. mes my baby. yeah, eugene was supposed to hang out but he was nowhere to be found so i went to lil tobins house. it was cool. then big tobin drove me home n i got him lost bc im i started talking to that matt kid from that band in england again, its cool. hopefully hell play warped tour this year n ill go out n see him or something? i dont feel too emo anymore, i feel kinda like a dork, but its not a bad feeling. ive been walking around school constantly reading books. currently the color purple, its a really good book. im not gunna try n find love anymore, i figure itll come one day n im not really in ahurry. soon ill find a guy who likes me for me. im gunna stop being a slut n calm down. im getting my shit together for the next few months. maybe my soul mate is in philly? i already got a job in port ewen working with kat at la mirage. n me n jessy r gunna be school buddies n im just gunna stalk jon carpino n jimmy hardgrove, actually, jimy knows im coming, we had a tif online. that boy is gunna have a very rudfe awakening when he realizes what life is really about. so, i stopped talking to mie, hes a cunt. n dane like moved to buffalo i think? hes gey. n everything is pretty normal. billy is kinda like, distanced himself from me. everyone thinks i have no time for them, but really i have notime for myself or snything. all i do is work n school n work on my portfolio. ive been working mon, tuesday, thursday n friday n going away from friday til sunday nights. ive been good, n thats all that matter i guess? ernie was online n he didnt even im me, i think he finally got the hint, i prolly hurt him. wow, if i hurt ernie, then im set. i made a mark in his life. thats pretty impressive if i do say so myself. lol/im gunna go lay down for like an hour.
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Monday, October 20th, 2003

Time:12:06 am.
Mood: hopeful.
Music:MewithoutYou - We Know Who Our Enemies Are.
yeah, came back n i feel almost complete..i have no complaints at the moment. had to document it bc thats a very rare occurance.... im smiling, but im not sure if its from all the codine i took or bc im really happy. hopefully im happy :) kingston here i come....
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Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

Time:8:38 pm.
Mood: numb.
Music:American Nightmare - i saved latin.
so yeah. exciting week. im going to move in with kat in Tillson. i cant deal here. all i do is sit in my room n cry, n thats not healthy... Connie rox. i love her to death. its gunna be pretty weird at first, with the hole school thing, but i think ill get along just fine. i think everything will be ok. i havent told billy yet. i wanna be posotive b4 i tell him. i feel bad leaving him. but i need to start thinking about myself more. lol, im gunna be in school with jon carpino n jimmy hargrove. too funny. fuck them! fuck them n there sweet 15 yr old-ness. lol, im pathetic. me dad didnt really try n stop me, he just screamed for an hour about how im a coward n a liar. well, fuck him. i learned it from the master...him. one weekend soon im takin a trip to philly for an interview for Ai. Im very excited. i heard so many good things about it. jay, dales friend went there n said it was such an awesome experience! i really hope i get in. they have advertising there. thats what i wanna major in. there n pittsburg PA. ill make two interviews. :) so u see, im pulling my shit together, n im going to graduate n get away from NY. theres nothing for me ehre. 13 has no time for me, eugene has allana, n billy, well billy has jon n chrissy n all those people now. theyll all get along ok. i dont think i can help them anymore. ive been there for them n helped them n shit. of course i mean, ill always be there for them, just a little farther away. n ernie, well, i said my final goodbye to him.
EJC204 (3:17:44 PM): maybe one day ill tell u everything
KillEdWiThAKiSs6 (3:17:56 PM): one day is too late
hes so gay, but i love him so much. so now i can fully start over without him bringing me down...
i feel like going out n killing some helpless animal....
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Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

Time:12:02 am.
Mood: sick.
Music:kind of like spitting. - blue period..
so yeah, this weekend was actually really fun. i went to a great show saturday, ASOB, mikes band. n yeah, me n mike, well, yeah, thats all im gunna say. i miss him alot. i really dont wanna share him, but i guess theres not much i can do but share, that or forget about him. he seemed to get a little cocky though, he thinks hes hot shit now that hes in a big band. he defenitely made me feel like trash. i felt like a fucking groopy! like, wtf? i really like him, but i wont put myself through this shit again. i want someone to like me for who i am, n not simply for the fact that they can hook up with me...ya know? speaking of the devil, he just sighned online, do i say hi, or wait for him? im surprised hes had this much affect on me... i feel like such a heart is slowly melting...i hate feeling these emotions, but i think maybe if i feel things n act like a normal girl, that maybe ill get treated like a normal girl n ill find a normal boy, n ill have a normal relationship n live a normal life...normal...thatd be something. so yeah, i went to the wake, my sperm doner called me a shit head...that was real cool. so yeah, i just IMed mike, im very weak... what the hell is happening to me...??? im like on the verge of tears...i want him to sing me to sleep so badly...that would make me so happy, yet sad at the same time...bc ya know, i heard im not the only one he sings to sleep, its really nothing special for him. cuz, well, im nothing special for him... i want to be someone special some-one...but i guess in order to do that u hafta be special...i feel really naucious...i thnk its time to run away, after 2 days, i think ive set a new record for, wow, im stupid...i dont know y, but i actually thought that i could be something special for a chance.... "You feel fat and I feel ugly. Together we don't like anybody. I feel sick cuz I know your gonna run, but I cant blame you."


P.S. jon carpino is from kingston! lolol....thats what u get for fucking iwth my heart...

P.S.S. jupie, maybe next time....
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Tuesday, October 7th, 2003

Time:11:14 pm.
Mood: content.
Music:Brand New - Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't.
woah...totally forgot at menchon, im seeing will next weekend! im so fucking excited! hes playing a show in some band hes in next saturday, im so fucking excited!!!!!! i still regret the fact that me n him lost....we just lost. i was dumb n young...n i dont care what anyone says, he looks like sid vicious! haha. D
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Time:11:03 pm.
Mood: lonely.
Music:Azure Ray - November.
so yeah, its been a pretty hectic week,,,lots of stupid drama bullshit, but i think ive settled most of it. so yeah, i hafta go to a wake thursday...i really dont wanna go, but i wanna, ya know? i hate wakes, n i hate crying...i cut gym today n sat in the showers n was a weird cry afraid to see the people at the very afraid. im making my dad come with me, i cant get through that by myself. its weird n only like 3 people will really understand y im so scared. n also, i dont knoww hat to wear. i threw out all my drss up stuff so i wouldnt hafta dress up. maybe ill borrow something from jessica? dunno... i miss jen. when i shut off my phone ill have the money to go down n see her. im kind of sad bc i realize that with all the shit thats just happened, my chances with ernie r completely done for. sux. ernies a homosexual. im so in love with him, n he really just doesnt care. he lets his heart be fooled with by that bitch maria. one day he'll realize that i wouldve been really good to him. n then he'll turn all emo n ill hopefully have found someone by then ill be happy n not emo n he'll be too late. whatever. GAY! im really lonely. i want a buddy, not a butt buddy, just a buddy. i just one a guy i can hang out with, have fun with, one thatll make me laugh n when im sad n someone i cankiss n cuddle with n be emo with.... day....D
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Blurty for .Cupid.Killer..

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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.