| Promises Kept |
[09 Aug 2004|01:06am] |
Today, was to be my tired day, one that I was going to skate through under the radar of others eyes. Tired beyond belief from the nights before, just tired. I didn't want to work, but you know bills have to be paid.
Got to work, only to find out that my COU patient was nearing death, and heard that her death was certain to be today. I looked at the man who said the words to me, and didn't believe a damned word he said, until I saw her for myself. I knew she was going to die, but never thought that her death would be one I'd witness. I checked my assignment, and realized I wasn't to be her nurse today. I wanted to be her nurse today, so I offered to take her off the other nurses hands. My patient and I had bonded, and I thought to myself, if she is to die today, "Please let me be the one to give her, her final moment." Her nurse, is so new, and certainly, couldn't do this death thing like I can, so I wanted to take charge. When I made my offer, I saw the nurses lips form the motion of acceptance, when I retracted my offer. "NO, I am sorry, I want you to be her nurse, this is something that you need to learn. I'll walk you through this, and help you every step of the way, but you have to do this." "Karri, I just lost my sister, two years ago, I don't think I am ready for this." "Believe me, this will be a healing experience for you then. I am right by your side, and don't you worry." I looked at the nurse who was to care for my patient, and offered this suggestion. "Ask the kitchen to prepare, snacks, juice, coffee, and tea, for the family. They are going to need a break, and going to get hungry, make them feel special, they need to feel special." The nurse looked at me like I was crazy and said,"Karri, I haven't seen the kitchen do this, are you sure they will do it?" "Yeah, I am sure they will, and if anyone questions you ask Sherry to do it, and tell her that this was my idea, Sherry knows how I work, she will do it." I said nothing more about this, little idea.
Walking to take my break, I saw that Sherry did her deal in her own style. I smiled to myself, knowing that the family was being taken care of.
After my break, I saw my patients elderly husband walk in, I walked up to him and hugged him. His surprise in my hug told me, "He doesn't know", I quickly thought of a way to hide the real reason I was hugging him. "I am so happy to see you, your wife will be happy to see you as well, I missed you and was worried I wouldn't see you while I was away on vacation." He hugged me back and said "thank you". It wasn't two hours later until he realized, and came to me for confirmation, "She isn't doing well is she?" I looked him in his tear welled eyes, with my own tear welled eyes, and said softly, "No, she isn't." He knodded, and turned quietly then walked away.
The nurse in charge of her care was away on break, when I walked in to check on my former patient. It is the little details you have to be aware of when a patient is in the process of passing. She had tear stains on her cheeks, that needed to be wiped away, along with a bit of spittle, from her mouth. While I wiped her cheeks and mouth, she started to grimice and show signs of pain. I went to the medicine record only to be horrified. WHAT SHE HASN'T GIVEN ANY PAIN MEDS? That was my reaction, albeit internally. I know I told the nurse that this process has to be pain free...
I gave her pain medications, as instructed, along with something for anxiety. About an hour later, her doctor showed up. I don't know what she said to the family, but the end result was perfectly clear. Her family walked up to me, and said, "We understand what she is going through, and we can't keep her here for us, because of our own selfish reasons. We understand that the only reason she is alive right now is because of her ventilator, and as hard as this is to say, we as a family would like for you to disconnect it."
I asked them "Are you sure?"
"Yes, we as a family are sure." I whispered, "Okay, I'll call the doctor." It was at this point that I took over, but made the baby nurse be by my side the whole time. I told her everything I was going to do, and for what reason........some of these things I can't say, but they do hold a reason. I called the Doc, and told her of the families decision. I asked her about the pain medication situation, and requested an order. I got an order, which really disappointed me. I carried out the order, but dammit, she should have known it wasn't the right order to be given.
I called the Respiritory Therapist to let him know, and for us to coordinate our acivities. When the moment came, I took her off the ventilator, and tried to be strong, for the families sake. I couldn't help my tears. Finally, she passed on, while I stood there doing nothing but watching her pass away before my very eyes powerless to do anything.
I hugged the family and offered my condolences. I thanked them for the honor to be able to take care of her, and I cried.
On the way home, for some reason I thought to myself, I wonder if the family knows the day she passed away on, and then realized myself that I really wasn't sure of that the date was today. In deep thought, trying to rememeber what today's date is, I remembered.
Today, 12 year ago, my Daddy passed away. Talking to my Daddy on his death bed I promised him that no other family would have to endure the pain our family went through. I was amazed that this year I actually forgot the "anniversary" of my Daddy's death. I then felt guilty about the fact that I had forgotten. Just about the time that the guilt started to set in.........I realized that I did keep my promise to my Daddy.
I made someone elses passing a moment that was comfortable for everyone involved.
Daddy, I kept my promise to you, and there is a great woman who entered into the life you now have. Welcome her with open arms, I suspect she needs a hug, can you do that for me?
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