My Heart Speaks' Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] My Heart Speaks [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

Did I Forget My Oldest Friend? [17 Jun 2008|08:44pm] If one were to go by looks. It would appear that this journal, my old friend, had been lost to memory. As it a with old friends sometimes we lose touch. We think to call but for whatever reason don't pick up the phone. Last night u thought about this dear journal of mine the name I remembered the password lost to time. I tried to catch up on lives I was once so close to. It seems someone. has had a new baby and the usual carrying on has carried on. While life has stayed mostly the same for me it has changed a great deal as well. My. Oldest child just graduated high school. My middle child will start Jr. high next year. The baby isn't a baby any longer he just finished first grade. As for myself, Chris and I are still together. On May 22, 2009 he and I will mark our 5 year anniversary. On May 23 of the same year he and I will wed. . whisper in my ear

I'm Still Here [07 Mar 2005|08:11pm] Things haven't changed, and they have changed at the same time. My relationship with Christopher has changed as far as he is concerned, but not with me. I just figure he doesn't know how to love the way I love him, or is afraid of the love as true and pure as this handed to him. I've decided to love him in the same way, only telling him that it is the way he wants it. It is a gamble I know. My heart is out on the limb, but he has't sawed my limb off, so something must be working here. Now that he thinks I have let go, it appears he has started to hold on tighter to me. I have found a comfort level with him which allows me to fall asleep at his house sometimes too easily. I've found myself waking up in his bed, when the reality was I should have been sleeping at home in my bed. Waking up in his bed, in his arms is the best way for me to start the day, and a way in which I would love to wake up everyday. I feel that he is enjoying my presence more now that he feel less pressure to marry me. I feel him growing closer to me, even closer than he originally stated that he want to get. I feel that we are doing very well at this moment in time. 2 whispers| whisper in my ear

It's been ages [01 Mar 2005|09:59pm] Checking up on my friends. One has lost a great deal of weight, I can see it in her face. Another has bought a house. And for the others life has continued. Life goes on. Christopher and I are in a good place. I keep silent reserve in knowing we are headed on the right path, only he doesn't know it yet. In due time he will figure it all out. I haven't let go, and don't see letting to in the near future. I'm having issues with my 15 year old daughter. She is too smart for her own good. 9th grade will be her reality once again next year. I guess it is due time for her to realize Mom can't fix everything she does to herself. I have a new job at work. I am the wound care nurse, and work regular hours, imagine that. I am more tired than ever, go figure. Storms are headed my way, go figure. Nothing new in my neck of the woods. 1 whisper| whisper in my ear

Another Random Update [23 Jan 2005|01:40am] Bonding time???? Whats That? So, today was the big truancy class for my juvenile delinquent and myself. Judging my the rest of the class, and the way the other kids were freely bragging about how bad they are, (in front of their parents mind you) I must say, I probably have one of the best teenagers on this planet. She was even shocked about what the other kids readily admitted doing with out shame, in front of their parents. I found it odd that the parents didn't even bat an eye, nor did they look shocked or disgusted. It was just matter of fact casual conversation, like all kids get drunk and do drugs, and skip school, just so they won't miss their favorite tv program. Me, I'm glad that they aren't my kid. I did have to miss an entire day of work for this two hour class and I was pretty pissed over this fact. Getting past my anger, I decided to do something that I had the perfect opportunity to do. I enjoyed the entire day alone with my girl. I did get a tiny request from the BF, to come over and make some dips for his Monthly Poker Party, for the guys only. Brit and I went to brunch, and all through our meal quoted Napoleon Dynamite, tweeking the quotes to suit us. "What are you going to do today Brittany?" "What Ever I fricken feel like, Gahh!" We then went to CD World, but was unable to find Brits latest quest. If you happen to know where I could find Alexisonfire, I'd appriciate your letting me know. Personally, I think she made this group up. We then jetted over to Christopher's house real quick to make the dip, and for me to give him some money, while I have it in my pocket. I made the dip, but forgot to give him the money. We left in order to head off to another CD place, but decided that a nap was more to our liking so we went home. Christopher called around 4:30, giving me a ton of great ideas of what Brit and I could do. We ended up using his ideas, and took the train down to the Mockingbird station to stroll around the cool shops there. I offered to take Britt to a movie at the Anjelica, but she declined. I guess it was a good thing, because it seems that they were hosting another film festivel there and a ton of people were there dressed in formal attire. Britt found a clothing store that she has deemed her absolute favorite store in the WORLD, called Urban Outfitters. I happen to think that it is an over priced Gap store. She did manage to finagle a tee shirt and a string of "pearls" out of me. While we were shopping the cold front we were expecting blew through, so we went to Starbucks before catching the train back to our van. We made a quick stop over to Christophers place, so I could give him his money. Before we rang the door bell, I noticed that I parked too far away from the curb. I left Brit standing on the curb, and ran back to the van. Before I jumped in, I yelled back at her, "I'm out of here." jumped in the van and drove off leaving her standing there. I shocked her to no end, but the reality of the matter was, I was just turning the van around to repark it. Once I was out of the van, she and I laughed so hard, cause I really did get her good, she thought I was leaving her there. Anyway, she and I had a great day, a much deserved and needed great day together. 2 whispers| whisper in my ear

Heaven, Hell, and Somewhere Inbetween [14 Jan 2005|09:48pm] Wow, Haven't been here in a long while. I just checked my gmail, in I don't know how many days, and a request came from shared_solitude for me to do an up dated, and to give a link to the journal, that I am now calling home. If you want details, you will have to read the journal. http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=justsoyouknow This is where you can get all the recaps on my life. Here is the brief over view. Christopher and I had a wonderful christmas, and then jetted off to Las Vegas for the new year. We had an amazing time, and everything seemed to be perfect between us. I typed correctly when I wrote seemed. We came home on the Jan 2nd. I had to work on the 3rd and 4th, off for the 5th and 6th then worked 7th-9th. On the tenth of this month, Christopher dropped a bombshell in my lap. "I can't see a life for myself that involves children." I love you...and all that other stuff ended with the BIG butt. He has called me every day since his big announcement of self discovery, and we have a "date" tomorrow. I cried for, three days straight. On the third day he came over to my house. He had blood shot swollen eyes, that mirrored mine. We huged when we first saw eachother. We talked for a bit, and then hugged good-bye, I couldn't leave it at that, so I kissed him good-bye on the cheek, my lips hit the corner of his lips, and we ended up kissing eachother. I do believe his words, and for some reason I feel that this whole situation is my fault. I never allowed him the opportunity to get to know my kids in any shape form or fashion.. In my effort to protect the kids, he said good-bye, souly because he thinks all kids are the same. We have plans to see eachother tomorrow, to actually go out. I want to avoid the elephant that sits in the center of the living room, and pretend that his words were never said. While I am not in denial over his words, I think that there was something bigger that he didn't say. We got to the point of no return on our trip. He has been hurt so many times, and I think that he was only preserving his heart, out of fear that I would hurt him. This is just my idealogical view on things. I really think that I hit the nail on the head, when I told him exactly what I thought. He was silent for a very long while trying to digest the words that perhaps he wasn't even willing to visit. His words, "My barometer, says that I have to tell you this." "My barometer says your barometer is broken, and while you say it is about the kids. I think that this is about something bigger. Everytime you have gotten to this point in a relationship you ended up hurt." Long silence on his part. My sobbing could be heard in the background, while he thought. "That is a pretty good point that I hadn't thought of, but I did seek council on this issue so I think I am pretty clear on how I feel." I've decided that I don't believe his words. His actions haven't given me any reasons to believe that he can't be apart of my life. Of course he says he has pledged to live a life that is celebate for the next year. He doesn't know, but I have pledged a life committed to him for the next year. This plan is indepth, and its whole purpose is to give him the space that he needs. It also encompasses him finding me irresistable and something that his heart can't live without. Two people can't meet, like we did, date for nearly 8 months and not have one disagreement, also having laughter be our best partner...sharing everything about each other and go throught the difficulties we have, to let this all end....for no reason. I have heard his reasoning, and believe him. I'm not letting go just yet. I don't think he wants me to let go. If he was done, believe you me, I know he would have been done. We wouldn't have a date tomorrow, or for that mattter he wouldn't be calling me. This girl knows what she prayed for, and saw her prayers answered. He wasn't praying for me when I took hold of his life. I'm not going to let go as easily as he wants me too. He doesn't know how much this girl loves him. The ball is still in his court. He is going to have to come after me, and be surprised that I didn't go anywhere. 4 whispers| whisper in my ear

Long time no update [13 Dec 2004|08:47pm] For the past few days, I have been serioulsy ill. Somehow I aquired fifth's disease, otherwise known as the Parvo virus. I don't recall ever being so sick in my entire life. I have been told that I was delirious. I don't recall much of the past few days, except for the whining parts. My joints (all of them) hurt like hell and were swollen to boot. You know what is funny is you can clearly see the layout of the disease process in my Lj. I few days back I was complaining of a rash that just appeared, then I was complaining about my hands and how horribly they hurt. Now that it appears that I am past the worst of this illness. I have so much to be thankful for. While my life never was in jeopardy, it felt like it was. I really thought that at any moment, I was going to be a gonner, and for whatever reason, I didn't care. My not caring isn't really like me at all. Only when I am seriously ill do I not care if I continue to live or not. Now that I am well, I shudder at the thought of my not being around to raise my kiddos. I cringe with the thought that someone other than myself might raise my children. I have to live long enough to get the me grown and standing on their own two feet. Just thinking that I didn't care if I saw this Christmas season through to the end, makes me sad, and fills me with a renewed spirit of the season. I know that not all of my friends celebrate Christmas, but for some reason this time of year brings out a fellowship of the community that we all can share in. I guess this is what I love about this time of year. I love that we may not all share the same religion, but we all share the same warmth and reguard for this time of year. We all seem to love walking down the street and marvel at the beauty in the decorations. I think that it is something in the lights, that makes us all children once again. There is something so innocent and pure in the way children view this holiday season. Sometimes I find it sad that parents don't harbor their children's innocent's. I feel sad that parents rush children through their youth, and rush them into adulthood. Don't we have enough time to be adults? So in keeping with the holiday spirit, might I share a childs perspective? 8 whispers| whisper in my ear

What? An Update? [13 Nov 2004|09:25pm] My daughter sits to my left tapping her knee. Why? Well this is because I am messing with her Mojo. She wants online so she can chat with a boy on her 15th birthday. Yep, officially today I became the mother of a 15 year old teenaged girl, what joy. Actually she is quite the joy. A side from the deep sighs and rolling of her eyes. She still amazes me, and I look forward to the next few years I have with her, but I can do without the deep sighs, and the pissy stomping off, because she can't do what she wants to do. I'm about to envoke, the "You gotta go to bed deal." I gotta pee...just watch she'll get on line. Okay, maybe I was wrong. Christopher and I are doing better than ever. He recently has been consulting his friends about how to deal with living with a child that is 3. My thought process it that this is really a good thing. Honestly, I wouldn't be saying this if his actions weren't speaking for themself. On the 22nd of this month we will have been a couple for 6 months. The rediculousness of work continues, but I am certain that this is a temporary deal. Once again I got suspended for a day, due to the fact I clocked in and out for a whole weekend with the wrong name badge unknowingly. Crappy ass shit if you ask me, but hey, my boss has to do what she has to do in order to hang on to her job. She will be gone soon, mark my words. I've yet to be wrong. I cut the heck out of my finger today. Don't ask, but it is still bleeding. Oh, don't worry, I won't bleed to death or anything, it is just an irritation. 1 whisper| whisper in my ear

Recently, I am tired [31 Oct 2004|11:02pm] Mom asked, "what time are you going to vote on Tuesday?" I look at her and think, "Why can't she see I am tired." I mean heck I've worked all day long and she wants to know what time I'm going to vote. I really, really wanted to ask, "Why just so you can see that I voted the right way?" It's odd that she'd ask. just on the cusp of me actually thinking that I wasn't going to vote at all. I mean seriously, I can't stand how dead fast most of my friends are in picking one candidate over the other. If that one wins, our Northern neighbor looks like a good place to live, I mean really should it be that drastic? Oh I hate our new/or re-elected President, I'm moving. This election year has made me weary beyond belief. I don't think that any election year has been so volitle, with so many different types of passionate people. Maybe I wasn't feeling it in years past. I don't see how my life will be any different Wendsday, than it will be on Tuesday. I want to ask anyone who can tell me honestly. Has any election for a president significantly changed their life, if the incumbant won or a new pres was elected. I don't care who you wanted to win, did anything change? I remember being a little girl in front of the TV just hoping that Ford would win. I didn't want him to win because of anything he did for me, but I wanted him to win because he was the very first Pres. I knew. To this day there has not been one single presidnet elected that changed my life at all. There has not been a single Pres, that changed any of my family members lives either for that matter. Yet for some reason this year the elections are more heated. Why? Honestly, tell me what is going to change? Will we still be in Iraq? Will terrorists still threaten up, like they have for many many years? Will there still be people in Middle Eastern Countries who Hate all that America stands for? Will there be people in America who hate having to buy into our country? Won't there still be people who hate the amount of taxes they have to pay, but gladly cash in their refund year after year? In the end I will go to bed just like I do every night. I will wake up in the morning, get dress and stumble off to work. I will struggle to pay my light bill and the phone bill. I will curse the fact that yet again, my EX hasn't paid his child support, and fucks my Ex best friend on a regular basis. On November 3rd, we may have the same president or a new one, but my day has already been planned and nothing is going to change the plans that have been made. I'm still going to love my kids, and they will still love me. I'm still going to pay a buck ninety a gallon to fill my gas tank, and wish the prices would go down. I'll feel comfort that at the end of the day, I will still go to bed in the exact same place I have for so long. I will still drift off to sleep thankful I live in a country that respects the decisions the people make for our nation. My kids will wake up and go to their same schools, with the same teachers they have seen for many years. If you can, tell me how your life will change if one pres is elected over the other? What would be the significant difference? 7 whispers| whisper in my ear

[29 Oct 2004|11:53pm] It's not been easy. I have been sick for the last few days, and only really started to feel better today. I did go to work, only because someone has to put food on the table. Christopher and I had a long long talk yesterday. At some points I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, but couldn't express myself to him, in order for him to hear me right. He thought meeting Joey would instantly make him change his mind about having kids in his life. He doesn't realize that meeting a kid for the first time, in a completely non confrontile mode won't do that for anyone. I respect the fact that he was honest with me, but I just want to scream. He was frustrated with the fact that Joey and the other boy Gabreal, were so involved in rough and tumble play that it made him nervous. "Well it made me nervous too, but that is what boys do when they are together, you should be happy that the boys got along." He says that I am perfect for him in everyway, but is so worried that he is so set in his ways he can't accept me and my kids as a package deal, but knows we are a package. Honestly he mentioned that he really thinks that his buying the house that would hold me and my three kids was a sign from God, because what are the chances that the house he would fall in love with would fit me and the kids in perfectly. (before he was looking at really tiny houses with only on or two bedrooms) He says he keeps looking for the signs that he is ready to change and is worried, that the sign won't appear. Everytime he expresses doubt I feel my heart sink into a hole that I didn't ever want my heart to feel again. I know I have the odds stacked against me. I know I have three kids. I know that no man really wants to deal with the extra luggage that I have. I want to scream and cry. "Why God, why?" Why drop this man that fits everything I prayed for in my lap. Why allow me to fall in love with everything that he is, and yet You wan't give him the clarity to know that he can love me and all that I have to give including my kids? Why won't God make this an easy deal? Haven't I had enough heartache already? Don't I deserve my chance at love? I know, I know, I know...just hand all my problems to God, and He will make everything all better. Dammit I know it. How many times to I have to be taught? Why can't God finally make this easy for me? I've lost everything in my life that I had, and finally when I really think I have my chance once again, God once again throws up a barrier. How is that fair? I know, honestly I do know. If Christopher can't love me AND my kids, we can't be a couple. I won't chose a man over my kids. My kids didn't ask to be here, I chose this life for them, and they come first, period the end. I look at my Ex husband. It was easy for him to walk away, and live his life with another woman. He moved on and I raise his kids. He takes them when it is convient for him and his hussy. He walked out, and moved on with little reguard for the kids he created. Every night he has someone sitting by his side, and sleeping beside him. He gets adult talk everynight, and companionship. No matter how I feel about the hussy, he gets something. It was easy for him to walk away, and start something new, without the little attachments he created. Me I beg to have everything he and I created together to be accepted, and perhaps to be loved as if they were his own. I worry constantly, I will end up forever alone. I don't know how this is fair. See in my mind, my heart can love, I so have this loving heart, and all I want is to be loved, and have this family loved. All I know is every day I scramble to pick up the peices of this broken heart, and all I want him to do is fall in love with all my pieces. I want him to pull it all together and make us whole once again. Honestly I don't see how this is fair, and in reality it won't ever be fair. Men can create life, but they will never know what it is to feel life grow inside of them. I really think that some men think that once ejaculation happens that is where the obligation ends. Perhaps God knew this, perhaps he knew men would walk away, even if they grew the child within. Maybe God knew women would walk away if we never felt our child grow inside. Maybe God knew what He was doing when he chose the woman to bare the fruit of thy womb. I don't know, but I hardly think it is fair. 1 whisper| whisper in my ear

I Had A Horrible Dream [04 Oct 2004|09:51pm] This morning I had the worst dream of my life. In my dream, my daughter was my sister, and I was just a kid. She had a few friends over, when I witnessed one of the kids murder a boy in our home. I was terrified to say anything. They left the boys body in our living room. The next day was trash day. My sister was trying to bag up the boys body, so that the trash men could just take him away. Everytime she tried to tie the bag, his hands would poke through the top of the bag revealing the fact that there was a dead human in the bad. My sister called me to her aide. I was so scared, and sad. I tried to reposition his body so that no one would see what the bag held. Every time I tried to close the bag his hands would show. I kept thinking "he is begging for help." Finally, I gathered my strength and told my sister, "this can't be done, and I am calling 911." I dialed the number and the operator answered..."911, how can we help." My voice cracked..."My sister murdered a boy, and he is dead in my living room." The lady on the other end of the phone screamed and the line went dead. The next thing I know, there is police and medical people swarming my home. The people brushed passed me, and rushed towards the boy. Daddy and mom showed up just behind those people. Their eyes were filled with disbelief, and shock. I was alone sitting on the front steps of our home. Daddy came outside to sit next to me, and I got up and walked away. He followed me, his words trying to catch up to my ears. "You did the right thing Karri, no matter how hard it was to do." The only thing I could think of was I am just as guilty as they are. I did nothing then, said nothing afterwards, and I actually tried to help her dump the body off in the trash. I can still see his hands. The news and such swarmed me, wanting me to be the hero. In my heart of hearts I was just as bad as they were. I turned my sister in, but to me I should have stopped everything before it started. I know it was a dream, yet I touched a dead boys hands, and still remember what that felt like. I guess I am living in a prison I created for myself. 1 whisper| whisper in my ear

Oh Dear Blurty, if anyone will listen, you will [04 Oct 2004|12:38am] My heart hasn't felt this amount of grief in a million years. You can never know how hard it is to find out, by accident that your favorite person in the entire world is gone forever, and no one bother to tell you. Of coures this time it is not a matter of I'm not worth, but more of a matter that we are not worthy. This evening I got another one of my feelings, that I dread, yet this time I wasn't feeling dread, yet I was feeling the need to reach out. I have know idea how long it has been, but finally today I took the step to finally reach my uncle. I didn't speak to him personally, but I feel I should have insisted that I speak to him. The only man, that I felt like was my grandpa passed away on Monday...last week. The last time I saw him was at my father's death bed, when daddy confessed to him exactly why he was going to die. In an instant, we the family daddy had was disowned. They didn't bother to call us, they didn't care if we would care, or cry. I am at this point the only one who knows. I will break the news to my mother, and I am sure her heart will break, just as mine did tonight. I was a teenager when the two of them celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, now I am 35. So I guess the two of them were married 74, maybe 75 years...hell they were married 70 something years!!!! How many people do you know married 70 something years, let alone 20 something years. On their 50th wedding anniversary, they got married again in the traditional old school Catholic style. Their reception was amazing, yet very low budget. The two of them danced just like they did as kids. They jitterbigged till I was out of breath, and I was not even dancing. I was scared that they would die right then and there from a heart attack, old people like them really shouldn't have such energy. Then came the time for the money dance. Daddy handed me some money, so I could dance with Uncle Skip. I pinned the money on him, and he picked me up, placed my feet on his, and we slow danced together. "Mija, you know I love you don't you? One day, I hope you find the happiness I have right now. He hugged me close, and we danced." Aunt Jo came from behind us, tapped me on my arm, I looked at Aunt Jo and hugged her, as we hugged she promised me, that all the happiness she had would oneday be mine. "Karri, Mija, God has a man out there made just for you, Just like your Uncle Skip was made for me. You don't have to look for him, because God will send him to you." Aunt Jo is a very wise woman, and her days are fading very soon. I remember the day We introduced my then husband to the family. Aunt Jo pulled me a side. "Karri, Mija, I know you are happy now, but this is not the man for you, remember when I told you God has the man made especially for you? I have seen him, and this is not the man. We will love him because you love him, but between you and I, I know what your man looks like, and you have not married the right one." Now, I can't help but think she was right, it took me all these years to finally figure out what she was really saying. Honestly, I thought she just didn't like my now EX. Now I think that she really did have a vision of who it was God made for me. There is so much pain in this entry, yet I am at peace. There is one more angel looking after me and the ones I love tonight. Tomorrow, I may cry, but good memories are all I have. 3 whispers| whisper in my ear

68.237.222.128 [27 Sep 2004|01:19am] Any one willing to help me figure out who this ISP belongs too? I suspect I know who the owner is, but need comfirmation. 2 whispers| whisper in my ear

My Jaws Hurt...So do my Cheeks [25 Sep 2004|03:57am] I had the best time tonight! Well I finally met the Best Friend, tonight. I was supposed to meet a few others, but for whatever reason they decided not to attend the show. It was such a blast though. I'll tell you, these guys are so damned funny. They had me laughing until I nearly peed. I swear, I laughed so much with them, not only at the jokes they cracked, but at their child hood stories. Some of the crap they told me tonight, it is a wonder Christopher is even alive today. Christopher's friend is a great guy, and I can clearly see why the two of them have been friends for so long. We went to this whole in the wall Italian restraunt that has been around forever, and had the best meal ever. I just love Italian food. After dinner we headed off to the Improv to watch Carlos Mensea. Frank, I highly recomend you go watch that Mexican preform. He is incredibly intellegent, and an equal opportunity offender. Everything he said, had a meaning to it, and a laugh to back it up. Carlos is a very passionate guy, who loves this country. He has a way of making you want to be better than you are, just by his words. He leaves you thinking, and feeling entertained. This is something very unusual for a comedian to be able to accomplish, most of those guys go for the grit, and fail to make you actually think. There is nothing PC about his show, in fact he uses the fact that he is NOT PC to prove a point. America is just too damned scared to offend anyone. People fail to say exactly what needs to be said in fear of offending someone. We can't say or do anything that might be a tad off color because we might offend someone, and as a result as a whole we have limited our own freedom of speech. I happen to think that it is healthy to be able to laugh at yourself once in a while. Hell we just take everything too seriously all the time, and if one of my friends trusts me enough to tell me a joke that could possibly be offensive towards me, I'd still laugh. I know that it wasn't a joke about me, but rather it was just a joke. Oh, and I got to see his boo honkey...Jay's word for butt. 2 whispers| whisper in my ear

dammit [22 Sep 2004|10:08pm] That fucking hussy won't stop! I don't know what she is interested in seeing as she gains access to my email, as there isn't a damned thing there! All this tells me, is she is pissed once again at HIM, and I am the easy target of her revenge. I'm just done. Bitch, just die already, the world would be a much nicer place without you taking up much needed space. 2 whispers| whisper in my ear

Just thinking, [15 Sep 2004|12:16am] You know all to well I've been feeling really great these days. I have finally come to a conclusion. There is a man who is living his life, he shares half of my DNA. I have never seen his face, and don't know anything about him. I lived a life geared towards making him finally want him to be a part of my life. Somehow, I got it in my head that I was worthless, if My own father didn't want me. The night Christian was born, mom and I were out taking a break. Mom confessed that she wanted to get back in touch with him, my sperm donor. Somehow, mom thought that if he were a part of my life, it would help me. I don't know how many nights I have cried over this little fact in my life. How unworthy am I? He doesn't even want to be apart of my life, the life he created. I have finally come to the conclusion, that no matter how hard he tries to be a man, he is still a scared 18 year old boy, and terrified to face the decisions he made in the past. For so long, I took his decisions to heart and made them apart of who I am. I finally realized, that night Sept 3, 2004, I am not the product of anyones decisons, I am a product of myself. What he chooses to acknowlede or not has no baring on who I am. All of his kids know I exist, and am more than certain would wish that I wasn't the truth that is their father's deep dark secret. I am certain that he is the daddy, I always dreamed of having. Just by listening to him talk about his kids, I knew he was a great dad to them, or as great as he could be to them with what he had to offer. It seems out of all of his kids, I am the only one that did anything he could be proud of. I have a brother and two sisters. I have a nephew ....and maybe more additions to the family that I perhaps know nothing of. My reality is I have this whole part of my life I know nothing about. Living in my reality, I finally came to this conclusion. I love my sisters and brother. More than likely I will never meet them. I don't care to meet the man who donated half of my DNA. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to me the man I've been told I look so much like. I just don't care to know him. I'd like to know my siblings, though. I am no less a whole person for not knowing him or them. My life is fine just the way it is, and I am doing fine. I have learned you don't need to be acknowlegded to be complete. 2 whispers| whisper in my ear

[13 Sep 2004|10:11pm] yeah...and Blurty isn't emailing me my comments, which just makes me look like an ass. whisper in my ear

[12 Sep 2004|11:41pm] Lady's and Gentlemen, it comes out of great regret to let you know I am going to leave Blurty. Well, not completely leave Blurty, this place after all is my baby, and my first. I am living in LJ land, and most of my friends are already over there. I love all my friends here, so I will keep in touch and check in often, just like I do now. If you have an LJ, please please add me to your friends list. Blury has been to slow for far too long and is frustrating the heck out of me. I'd have gladly paid to stay here, but spending money (well you can't yet) on a place that isn't up to par seems to be a waste of money to me anyway. If you are interested in keeping up with my crazy life, mi vida loca, you can catch up with me here. http://www.livejournal.com/users/justsoyouknow/ You no longer need an invite code, so feel free to create a journal all your own if you so choose to. 6 whispers| whisper in my ear

My Baby Nephew, proof God exists [12 Sep 2004|10:19pm] Christian Tylor, born Sept 3rd. Weight 5 pounds 14 ounces, 19 inches long. now whenever I need it, I can get my baby fix. 4 whispers| whisper in my ear

Lots Has Gone On....and this isn't even the tip of the iceberg [05 Sep 2004|02:59am] 01:22 am - Family Emergency Friday at 9am, I got a call at work to rush to the hospital, as my sister was in a major health crisis. I didn't have a clue as to what was going on, and only the worst kept rushing through my mind. I could barely udder the words to Jamie as I told her I had to leave because my sister was having some sort of problem and was at the hospital. Of course she was understanding, but I guess this was only her public showing. Brandie had been scheduled for an Amniocentesis, Friday morning to check and see if the baby's lungs were developed for induction on Monday or Tuesday. Upon ultrasound, it was found that the baby had NO Amniotic fluid, and had to be born then. Well, in turn, Brandie got completely frightened and her blood pressure shot through the roof, far too high for her to even deliver the baby. What had been an emergent situation turned into a crisis. After many hours of sitting and waiting and lots of drugs, that wouldn't hurt the baby, the baby was delivered at 1157pm on 9/03/04. Christian Tylor weighed 5lbs and 14oz. I am not sure how long he was, I forgot to ask. I stood in the nursery window just starring at this little tiny baby so robust for such a little guy. I didn't get home till 3am on the 4th and was completely exhausted. I had called into work at 7:30pm on the 3rd telling them that the way things were going it didn't look like I'd be able to go into work, so I was going to go ahead and cancel myself for that next day. This morning, or should I say, yesterday morning I got a call from Jamie, "Patients are dying and they need you here at work." BLOW ME!!!! Your are a GD nurse, go in your freaking self. I called her a little later, and again told her that I had called in to work at 7:30 pm the night before, and they had ample time to find a replacement for me. I told her that I was so exhausted there was no way I could actually work and be safe for my patients. "Well, I really need you to go into work on Sunday." "Jamie, I had every intention of coming into work on Sunday. It's like I told you, I had a major family issue come up, and I really needed to be there for them Yesterday." "Well, what exactly did happen Yesterday." I wanted to say, you know what that really isn't any of your business, and I am sure that you would find a way to make it less traumatic than what it really was. I didn't do that, but instead told her exactly what had happened. I really don't feel like it is any of her business, and frankly she has had plenty of her own personal issues come up that caused her to miss work for weeks at a time. Lord that place irritates the hell out of me. In other news, Christopher and I seem to be closer than ever. I know after the bombshell he dropped it doesn't seem possible, but we are. I just got in from going to see Phil Collins, of which he has no intrest in, but only took me because he knows I love the man. Christopher actually had a wonderful time himself, and that made the evening wonderful. Christopher really loves the drums, and thank goodness Phil sucked him deep into the concert from the opening act. That was one hell of a drum solo if I do say so myself, and I actually could careless about drums. "In the Air" was amazing, and out done from the last time I saw him do it. I had made plans for the kids to be gone all night, but with Brandie's lack of concern for my plans, I had to keep the kids at my house tonight. She had some nerve having the baby before I planned on her having the kid. No really it was fine, but I'd have loved to have slept over at Christopher's tonight. We got home snuggled and smooched a bit, and I had to leave. I think with the pressure off of him to warm up to the kids he is more able to open up to me. In reality this is the better way to go. We both agree that we need to go to counseling as this is an issue that will need to be addressed in the future. So that is that, and I really should be in bed, but I am not sleepy, as I have slept all freaking day! Thank goodness I have Monday and Tuesday off with no where to take the kiddo's. YAY for teacher inservice the day after a holiday! 4 whispers| whisper in my ear

Why Doesn't Matter [31 Aug 2004|09:50pm] Ohhh, my hide got chapped to no end this morning. It really is a good thing that I have been working on my anger issues, because I was so pissed this morning it could have gotten nasty. When I realized that I would be working with no aide and alone with 5 total care patients this morning, I got pissed internally. I immediately went upstairs to clarify the issue, and good lord all mighty that man pisses me off. I interupted the supervisor report, and directed what I had to say directly at the person who did the assigning. "Let me get this straight. You chose to leave us with no aide for the 10 most acutely ill patients of the hospital." His answer pissed me off, "You didn't ask me why" I looked at him and said "I don't care why, what I do care about is the quality of care I am going to be able to give, see I strive to give the best care I can. You tied my hands and now I will be force to give what I call substandard care in my view. See I don't care about cleaning up shitty patients, what I do care about is I have to do everything and possibly miss something because I am so damned busy cleaning and bathing on patient, others will be neglected, even for a little while." He looked at me and again said "You still haven't asked me why." I looked at him and said, "I really don't care why. Hands down these are the sickest people in the hospital, you could have chosen differently." I got up and started to walk away, he then blurted out his rationale..."someone called in sick." I turned around and said, "I really don't care, you still could have chosen differently." Much later on in the shift, I clarified myself to the supervisor. I told her that what I said, wasn't directed at her in any way. I reminded her that the conversation was directed to him and not her, and I realize that you didn't make the assignment so this is why I wasn't speaking to you. Here is what I would like you to know, and I respect that you didn't know. Consistantly, the South unit is given the highest acuity of patients. Normally, well the way it was before, South always got a CNA, even if the other units had to suffer. The reasoning behind this is because we have the desk, the docs, the patients, the therapists, the meals, and everything else that comes up through the day. Upstairs, the staff has other people that they can pull away to help them, down here we have no one, it is just too much. I was pleasantly surprised when she said she understood exactly what I was saying. Hopefully I won't get into trouble for getting upset this morning. I already know that she talked to Jamie about me, she did it right as I was standing near, or at least in eye sight of them. Jamies quick glances towards me told me that. 1 whisper| whisper in my ear

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]