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Tuesday, July 1st, 2003
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2:16 am - been awhile
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its been a loooong while. since i wrote on here. been busy and everyone else is always using it. i just barely snagged it this time. summerfest. went today and yesterday and fri and thurs, saturday i took a break.. which later i heard it was so kickass cuz everyone was there but i didnt have any money. stef had said shed give me shroomz if i was there but she lies. the first day was soo great and each day is a step down since. today sucked. coulda been worse and theres always tomorrow, if i even go. me and that dude andrew broke up after 6 days. he started telling me he thought he loved me and i wasnt trying to get serious with him and then i stopped liking him.. so lotsa reasons. one good thing out of it was i met this guy shaggy that ive been hearing about for years and hes tight as fuck. he wouldnt have noticed me but when he was on shroomz he had this crazy look on his face and i imitated him and he started laughing. dude was fucking so gone, im surprised he remembered that. at summerfest my friend brought me to him for drug hook ups and we chilled trying to get shit, blah blah but now he hates me cuz my friend kat asked him for a cigarette and i saw it and said maybe we could sell it, cuz me and her bumming money so we could go on the skyglide. its the only safe place to smoke weed at. so he looked at me like what. so thats dumb but fuckin ppl dont usually think im cool and so now im not anymore to someone else. someone who was like so super sweet and liked me for some reason when no one does. oh well. fuckin it sux me and andrew broke up cuz i dunno if people at nick and vickis will want me chillin anymore. them and andrew are all a big happy (sorta) druggy family and i liked it over there. dunno if im welcome anymore. so im feeling all hopeless tonight. i finally realized kyle doesnt care about me anymore. wholy shit it took me long anuf, i just believed everything he said, said he loved me and he barely even likes me. as a friend or anything. me and his now-ex-girlfriend had a few talks today and i learned so much. she dumped him cuz he made out with a girl yesterday at summerfest. i told her id seen them holding hands that day too, and she said hed said the kiss was an accident. not really cuz he was with her all night. kyle's ex, her name is dawn. she said kyle had said hed cheated on her with me only once and i told her that wasnt true... i felt like total shit saying all this, and she was so super nice about it all, and she said he took her virginity and i wanna stab him. i helped hurt a totally sweet girl by fucking her bf and she was so nice to me, whyyyy? made it so much worse. i had always thought kyle would only cheat on her with me cuz we were so in love like days before they got together but obviously hes been doing whatever he pleases. i cant believe he made out with a girl at summerfest, cuz everyone knows everyone there so duh, its like he didnt give any shit. i was pretty hurt, he hurt me yesterday being a total dick to me, but fuckin atleast i know how he really is and shit now. no more dammit. im hungry. nite.
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| Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
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11:11 am - nick and vickis
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i met a guy at nick and vicki's 2 days ago. i actually met him a few weeks ago cuz we were both sitting no the floor at nick and vicki's and as soon as i saw him i felt attracted to him and wanted to talk to him. really bad. i showed him my new glass piece, though he didnt care, and he told me the name of his red elephant stuffed animal, Alfred, and then later i was talking to him outside, purposely went and sat by him sorta and him and dustin were joking around about buying crack, like hey we could sell that truck for some rock! ahhahahahah! they say the same shit whenever they chill. i met him again cuz me and dustin and some ppl went to get some weed and andrew, thats his name, was hugging another teddy bear sucking his thunmb.. ok.. so i thought he was older but come to find out hes only 15. me and him painted our nails this reddy color and he said its ok cuz hes bi. ahah. me and him talked alll night, we got drunk and sang old old rap songs, excpet he moslty knew the words, and swung on the swings at the park. crazy ass shit, aqua, remember aqua? barbie girl... and blah. ima write later cuz he just called me and wants to come over so ima get ready and start walking.
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| Saturday, June 21st, 2003
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12:13 pm - dunno
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im listening to hatebreed cuz dustin gave me the cd. he wrote me a note the other day and i knew what itd be about. i always pretended i didnt notice he sorta liked me cuz i didnt wanna think that was the only reason we were friends. hes my neighborhood chill buddy and i dont wanna lose that. so he wrote this sweet ass note and i was pretty fucking shocked, like he really put himself out on a ledge cuz ida been scared to say that shit. he said hed been waiting for someone like me for a long time and he feels so unbelievably comfortable around me... weird cuz i always feel nervous around him cuz hes so easygoing and shit and im not, like i wonder why he hangs out with me cuz i dont give anything but companionship. hes so super funny and so much fun all the time. he said he lately hes just been waiting for me to get home from school so we can chill and that my mom must be sick of him calling. said i understand him like no one else and no one else matters right now. ok.... so i wrote him back and told him i wanna stay friends and all this shit, it was the most decent rejection note ive probly ever written, i thought. so anyhow i hope nothing changes too much, hes probly kinda embarrassed.. him and jeff been chillin alot and they act sooo dumb together.. jeffs been being a fucking dick too, maybe he doesnt have a crush on me anymore. he always did, that dork, but i thought we were friends regardless. he asked if he could wear my braclet and now he kept it so ima get it back cuz um i never fucking gave it to him. ive always hated him but i still started caring about him alot cuz hes been so nice to me but fuck him. hes a stalker. he stopped stalking me now and is stalking dustin.. he calls him all the time and goes over there all the time too. poor dustin. jeff wouldnt be half as annoying if he would use some moderation instead of shoving himself down anyones throat who will stand him. if i werent so bored and so NICE all the time ida kicked him ass by now. i really do care for him, and so i dunno y he cant care about me as more than a potential fuck buddy.. he got mad cuz i wouldnt let him keep a phone card that was in my moms car. fuckin he has a cell phone with free long distnace and he goes yeah only after 7pm... well i never do so pfghhhh and whos best friend lives in alabama? mine. hes so needy and selfish and spoiled, which i noticed one day when he called me drunk and wouldnt listen to me when i said i couldnt chill, fuckin wouldnt accept it, kept pissin and whinin and askin over and over. tammy warned me hardcore about him but did i listen, no, and not just that but i just wanted to see the good him... so im mad at him. me and kelly are buying radiohead tickets today and me and my brother are buying the harry potter 5th book together, so fuckin so much for saving money. my aunt edie is hiring me to do work for her tho and she pays really good and likes to spoil me. today ima probly call jeffs mom and see if she needs any help with her baby cuz of 2 weeks ago when i accidently stood her up for babysitting when she had work. damn me. i was coked and xanaxed out when she told me so i never remembered that shit till jeff called and told me i stood her up but i said this shit in an old entry so yeahhhh... i wanna slowly cut down my entries shorter so maybe someone will read them but i dunno if i can do it, im so blah. k. bye bye, right later.
current mood:  awake
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| Tuesday, June 17th, 2003
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11:14 pm - shit
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shit. thats how i feel. blah. my dumb bitch sister again, i fuckin hate her. i borrowed audioslave from a friend cuz i know she loves that like a stone song and so i showed it to her and she goes i like red hot chili peppers better. uhhh well fuckin im sorry i even did anything, fuck. we were just fuckin arguing like always. my little sister, shes 14. and acts it ahahaha. shes got that attitude down and if i ever have a kid with a mouth like her ill slap the shit outta them. i been bitter as hell anyways the past few days cuz monday morning i had a fight with my good friend frenchy on the bus. i hadnt slept all night cuz i had taken a shot of rum, trying to get some of my drunk back at like 8 and fucking everytime i layed down, i had to get up after like 10 minutes cuz i was so nautious and itd go away once i was up but then this headache would kick in, so id wanna lay down again, and over and over. i keep thinking about britt my sis and getting all pissed again. i have a bad temper and she has greatest power over me to make me lose control the fastest, sooooo bitchy. today i asked her if my outfit looked alright and she said she didnt like the pants cuz they reminded her of jessica, an ex-friend. all she had to do was tell me if it matched and shit and she just kept saying the jessica thing, like it was so relevent, ooo i got so mad. anyways. i have to get this frenchy thing out cuz its probly half the reason i cant just let all that shit go that shes been saying to me. its all so fucked up. so that morning i hadnt slept and i knew i was fucked for my exams and britt started telling me some shit on the bus and i wasnt looking at her, mostly cuz she never looks at me when she or me is talking, and i hate when she does that. so she snaps really loudly see im always trying to be nice to you and u act like that. i ignored her but it pissed me off. then i was telling french how i lost my new pipe in the woods when i was high-drunk and she told me to quiet down cuz ppl could hear me. i said yeah right no ones listenin and fuckin they dont care anyways and all this shit and somehow somewhere we got yelling kinda at each other and she said how i was a fucking pothead and i needed chill, quit ruining myself and how dumb i am from that shit, thats why i lost my shit, and i said told her i was glad she was telling me she felt that way and she said she always has, which is true, but she didnt usually insult my intelligence and whatnot, so i dunno what i said but i remember she said noelle- dont make me snap on you. i glared at her and turned around in my seat and just ignored whatever else she said, it was all bullshit. like she was putting on some show, but no one fucking paid attention or cared except britt, who was excited to talk to her about what the fuck my prob was while i just sat in seat and looked out the window and shit. at first i thought the fight didnt affect me but like 5 or ten minutes later i started crying. i kinda cried and felt bad for myself for 20some minutes and just have felt like shit ever since basicly. except today i forgot for a few hours hanging out with dustin. the fight was weird tho, different than i ever imagined a fight would be between us. cuz frenchy is always snappin hardcore on people, she wont let anyone walk on her or her friends, and is also the sweetest most innerly beautiful person ever. ive never seen her back down to anyone or ever fail to let someone know when they wronged her. shes totally amazing, ive always looked up to her sooo much, i always feel so lowly in her presence and so i think we were both pretty surprised when i could glare at her straight in her eyes and not flinch at anything she said, and then actually say shit back. i was just in that kind of fuck-with-me-if-you-dare mood. i think the arguement came out of nowhere for her and she wasnt really mad in the first place. she was just yelling and didnt expect me get so mad since i never have at her before, or look at her so meanly like i did. tammy told me once that i get that look-that-kills type of thing sometimes when i get mad. she was taken by surprise and i saw that in her face when she said that dont make me snap on u thing, her words lacked the usually actually threatening tone she can bite with. thats why i didnt say shit but look at her. like i said, dunno what she was saying when i turned my back at her, but it was some shit trying to sound threatening but i heard a crack of concern in her voice, a kind of oh wait i didnt mean i dunno, some shit. that little thing meant alot to me cuz i know shes been really getting sick of me, i always feel like a burden and i wanna lift that shit from her. shes too caring, considerate of my feelings to tell me to fuck off. i even embarrass her sometimes cuz people think i act so stupid and then shes hanging out with me. i get really hyper alot and will do some weird shit without thinking its weird till someone starts fucking calling me weird. then ill realize yeah no one does the shit i do in public, which sounds cool but at the time its embarrassing and i feel bad for french if shes there. frenchy is my only friend left at school. the only other person i talk to is charles. i used to have this friend martina but i heard her making cracks about my psycho temper, i was right fucking there, and then later i snapped on her cuz she was calling this guy im cool with stupid and shit and he got super mad so i tried to calm him down and she told me to stay out of it. i snapped cuz shed just told the guy to stay out of her conversations and then she immediately dips into mine with dude. no one was talking to her, and quoting her own words i told her she had no right to butt in when im talking to someone, and she got all pissed. it probly would ahve blown over but i made the mistake of writing her a big sorry note (cuz teacher made us all be quiet after that) that was too much for the occasion and so we dont talk much anymore and she talk shit about me. no one told me but i know how she is to ppl she talks shit about cuz she used to talk that shit to me, thats all she ever does. not even that tho, just her eyes when she looks at me. i wanna describe it.. its contemplative, fake, careful, and kinda mocking. mostly fake and careful, like shes lookin at some sad loser. like she has to humor me into believing shes still cool with me and nothing changed. i hate her for that wimpy shit, i wish i could get over it but i still sit right by her in 2 classes and some talking is mostly unavoidable. but i want to know how to clean myself of the same wimpyness and confront her somehow about this but i dunno how. so about french, my only friend at school, i was gonna say that she gives me the same feeling moria gave me before she finally told me how annoyingly drug-crazed and pathetic i was and she was couldnt stand it any longer. but with moria it was worse. i told her all my drug shit, just to tell someone, and i avoid telling french that kinda shit since ive always known she hated it. moria never told me, i could tell she was extremely irritable with me and that the drug shit must be annoying just cuz she cant relate, but i figured id tell her whatever i wanted to unless she let me know otherwise. and she never did until it was all she could see of glad to hear her sound not happy that i was mad at her. i still want to fix us but uh i been trying all year and nothing has changed. i want to be the one to set her free from me. its bad cuz we're on the bus and she always sits with me cuz it was tradition since we first became friends freshmen year, but this year its like torture for her, i hate it and i wonder why she does it to both of us. ill always see her eyes flitting around looking for an espae route or distraction from my voice and face. im too tired to go on. good night.
current mood:  gloomy
current music: deftones adrenaline
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| Sunday, June 15th, 2003
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10:12 pm - dustin
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today all i did was chill with my friend dustin. i woke up at 4:30 pm and thought i had work so i got dressed and went but them fuckers been confusing shit so much and they already had enough bussers.. and i havent worked in 2 weeks and thats bullshit. but im thinking of maybe selling weed for a few weeks so ill have lotsa money to go to alabama (since my fucking work wont give me hours) and i dont want another job cuz i have to much goin on this summer, id be taking off other week. im kinda buzzed drunk and high pot weed but its kinda been going down since my sister came and laid all this shit on me and then my mom, i didnt realize how stressed and fucked up theyve been. i can usually only talk to them really alot when im on drugs cuz or else they annoy me. my sister loves loves loves to argue. always. and do her adderalls and then tell me im fucked up for doing them, cuz i do them to get high but so does she cuz she said she was hallucinating all fucking weekend but anyfuckinways. ok... steammm.... alright. so me and dustin.. i called him and he said hed found a sega genesis and had sonic and shit old school, so i went over to his house and brought some beers left over from tammy's visit. his friend terri came over and we knew each other from school last year so that was cool. she had weed and we went walking in the woods, making our own trails and shit, fucking laughing our asses walking on rotten spongey lawns and shit so thats great. except now i have nothing to smoke or get fucxked up on and that sux. but im straight. got my math final tomorrow and a cpr test for swim to make up that i might as well not since ima FAIL. i missssss my tammmy. dustin is her ex-bf, they went out when she lived with me and he lives 2 blocks away so we had a whole fucking neighborhood crew going on even tho now everyone moved away and its just me and dustin. and jeff but dustin dont like jeff, no one really does cuz hes fucking dumb and annoying, i wanna kill him most of the time but its too late, we're already friends and i have a tolerance to him... i got mad yesterday at him cuz he told our friend josh's gf that i had did coke the other day and i told him not to tell anyone. i didnt mind that it was her so much, jsut that he totally yelled it like YEAH cuz U were on COKE and i was like fuck u shut up. i hit him in the head. he didnt even remember that i told him not to mention it. my sister briit is trying to kill me with words so i have to go before i die. goodnite :)
current mood: buzzed
current music: hatebreed
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5:27 am - skittified
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i wrote this longass comment thing to someone who asked some shit about walgreens drugs but the comp told me it was too long and i needed to verify an email thing and so fuck it, ill post it here.
skittles skittles skittles.... ccc's. triple c, i call them skittles cuz they got that sweet coating on them. last summer i was taking lotsa "walgreens drugs" we'd say, being robotussin-robotrippin, of nyquil or vicks but vicks tastes really bad. and if u can help it dont get the super thick cough meds cuz theyre harder to swallow, lingers in ur mouth forever. benodryl allergy, which is the same as dramamine except the pills dont taste like fucking hell, and i think its alittle harder to stay in control with them, take like 12 and u wont know where ur at. they weaken ur bladder for some reason too, one night my friend and me took em and she wouldnt let me go potty cuz her mom would talk to me (would suck ass) and i had to go sooooooo bad i pissed all in my pants.. no control. just whooooosh. but anyway. doing skittles and dramamine, after a couple of weeks i had briuses all over my legs for no reason and whenever i was uncomfortable or trying to act straight around my family or something id start twitching fucking so bad, spazzin out and my mom would just look at me and be like whats wrong and id be trying to control that shit but uhhhhh no. it got worse and worse. id act like that for like a day or 2 after i took the pills and as soon as the after effects wore off id do it again cuz id forget or not care how much id suffered. cough meds suck cuz they only last like an hour or 2 but dramamine would last forever, and its so crazy, like nothing id ever felt before, in a good and bad way. fuckin people always see big black spiders, and talk to people who arent there, or u think ur in ur bedroom but then u realize ur on a city bus, talking to urself and invisible animals hoppin around, and hear ur name clearly being called thru a crowd or when ur perfectly alone. me and my friends related shit alot, everyones trip is diff but some shit is a given. the worst part is being with lotsa people cuz eveveeveryone has the same big eyed open mouthed emotionless zoned out look. sometimes id feel totally normal and then ill see some crazy shit. another drug we did, me and my friend tammy and stefanie and whoever, was air freshener... that shit FUCKS u up and it makes ur brain bleed. after i heard that i could swear i felt my brain leaking every time. the best brand is glade and the berry flavors mostly suck, the best is citrus. huffing on a towel, folded 3times over. and listening to beatles cuz fucking their so happy. the next day id be having sharp as headches tho so i quit that shit, and cuz its really addictive, my friends tammy and tink were really fuckin horribly addicted. when u huff, u see blinking lights and giggle and ive died a couple of times. like i went too deep in the puddle of citrus and couldnt get out, i couldnt see or move and was stuck in retard mode, screaming in my head fuckin AHHAHAHAHHH until it would wear off and tammy would tell my i fucking spazzed or some shit and they tried to hold me down. oh..k. that shit really is bad, horrible, but its so easy.. wed steal by the pants and sweaters full. walk out all stiff and shit. i heard vitamin c enhances dramamine so i took like a 1000 mg and i didnt notice shit but whatever. the pills were alot harder on me, on my nervous system or something cuz of all them muscle spazms. my eyes would get like one big, one small or one always twitching and then that whole side of my body would start up... but only when i got worked up about something, sad or mad or scared or probly even happy. that girl tammy, my bestest friend, she had it wayyy bad, her whole neck and head would rear and twist unnaturally and shit and her arms and wrists twist and jerk around abd shed just cry and cry. she had the blinky eye thing almost permanently for awhile, she took shit everyday all day for months atleast, dunno but i cried for her and took care of her and me and her bf and my mom convinced her to quit, she moved to alabama with her grandma cuz she had nowhere to go since she couldnt stay with me anymore and had been kikced out of everywhere else. so she straightened out, or atleast does normal drugs now and her eyes are normal and her skin is back to its creamy rich smooth color and the bruises are gone oih yeaaaa. that shit never bothered her, shes didnt give one shit about bruises or twitches or pukin but it drove me nutso. i flipped the fuck out and tried to send myself away but i smoke some weed and fuckin came back to earth and just never did any of them drugs again, except air freshener like once, cuz i use it really clean the air in my room and my friend jeff started huffin it, didnt want him to brain bleed alone. this girl monica we hung out with, one nite she took only 12 dramamines, the recommended dose pretty much and she had a fuckin seizure in the 7/11 parking lot. all our friends pretty much scattered except me, i waited till the ambulence came and my shit started kickin in so i split. didnt want the cops there tp figure me out and shit, they tried askin me shit and i just poopoo'ed them... monica woke up after the seizure, i tried to tell them to let her go so she wouldnt get in trouble u know but they wouldnt. she was yelling get the fuck away from me get ur hands off me and wasnt hearin shit. all the pigs were trying to round her up and shit. she had been trying to open a car door that wasnt hers and me and dustin, tammy's bf and robo partner, were laughing telling her hey thats not ur car monica and i went to move her cuz im always babysitting and she just fell to the ground, i thought she was kiddin and watched her head bang on the ground for a bit until some guy came and held her head up and shit. i felt so bad for just letting her fall when i was right there, the doctors said she almost got brain damage and it was probly from the fall, when she hit her head the first time cuz when u do dramamine i gues if u hit ur head kinda hard, anyone will bust out into a seizure. so she rpboyl onkly started seizering cuz she fucking fell down so hard. our friend kayla took 24 and od'ed or atleast went to the hospital cuz she was out barefoot in the middle of the night walking around talking to her self (and she talks alot and all fast) and someone called an ambulence on her. fuckers. all she did was trip hard for a day in a hospital bed and get a huge ass bill for nothing. but i dunno. my sister was 12 when her friend 11yrs od'd on skittles and sudafed and tylenol and whatever else they could find, for three days, the third being spent entirely in the bathrooms pukin stomach acid cuz their livers shut down. my poor sister was so scared and out of her mind gone that she told my dad and he took her to the hospital, but she didnt know if her friend was sick too so she didnt tell anyone for a couple days but i dunno, she heard jess was sick just like her so she told and probly saved the girls life man cuz she was in baaaad shape, those dummies didnt know which were the right pills, so they just stole all kindsa shit, all mostly the wrong shit. and theyd take more and more every few hours, cuz u forget everything that just happened on those things. u dont know shit from shine. i wish i could recap everything but i been typing for a loong time what the fuck. i neeeeeed siome weed. i had a bit in my pocket but i lost it cuz i put some graham crackers in there and they crumbled and mixed and shit. the girl jessica, she was never the same nice girl after that. she started fucking everyone and doing every drug she saw and blah, id always find her on the streets with some other girl her age, both as fucked and as lost as can be so id walk them home and talk to them and jessica would have heart to hearts with me and tell me how everyone had left her who had been supposed to watch her, cuz in our neighborhood everyone was doing them (we're all so poor and 2 lazy to work) and it was kinda a thing that u should have a babysitter/be a babysitter if ur in a situation. kayla never woulda been sent to the hsopital if shed just had someone to fuckin be there for her and blagh whatever, its fun to babysit almost always. its bad when id sneak some fuckers in who had no where to go and were fucking waaaaaaay blown, my friend stevo woudl get and fall really hard over and over, trying to walk, and went in my closet and went thru every little thing looking for his visor and puts on this other one that he thinks is his, dude always does shit with his hands in mime cuz he'll thnk hes holding something. i stayed uop all night and watched tammy and him all by myself, and they were worse than children, duh i guess, stevo took 36 and tam took 24. i think poeople build tolerances to that shit. goodnight peace my ass fucking hurts and i have to go to church with my family in a few hours. nottttt cuz i know i wont get up. oh wellly. i miss tammy, shes still living in alabama, wooooo ima go now. as soon as i walk away, ima remember all the actually important shit id wanna tell u. fucking ask me some shit ill tell u. one thing; heres how to huff air freshener; fold towel over so its 3 layers but adjust to ur liking (more or less wet shit in ur mouth, more or less higggghhh), put the towel over the top of the can.... put ur finger over the button that makes it spray. now put ur mouth over the towel and on the spout part where the mist will come out. press the button and breath in kinda slow.. do it like 3 times in a row and then wait a few seconds for the full front to hit u and BAM.. then ull ty to talk and ur voice wil be deep and fuck and groggy and shit. u wont be able to say much but ull want to, ull just fucking i dunno, feel nutso for a few minutes and then do it again... and repeat as wanted, which u probly will want, its kinda like coke, one sniff and u want another. and another and another and then ur brain is leaking outta ur ears and ur talking a language only u can understand. oh yeah, everything majorly slows down, and u cant walk cuz u cant balance or hold urself up. was i leaving or was i leaving. bye bye bye bye bye bye
ima try to actually update tomorrow, cuz i been fucking crunchin in homework and seeing jeff all the time (too much) and blagh so ima take a nap nap.
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| Thursday, June 12th, 2003
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4:56 pm - Tammy visit
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tammy and her boyfriend left yesterday. She was here for 6 days and i hadnt seen her since last august when she moved to alabama to live with grandma cuz she had no where else to go. she quit all the walgreens drugs (cold meds, dramamine, air freshener), got her g.e.d. and a job and moved in with this dude stan, one of her uncle's friends. she wouldnt have known anyone if it werent for her uncle's group of friends, all atleast 5 yrs older than her. Her uncle sean lives in milwaukee now. we wuz chillin when stan and tammy 1st got into town cuz Stan bought an ounce of weed thru him for 200$, it was super good shit too. the next day we were all stoned and took some zanax's, which id never heard of till tammy found them in alabama. i took 2 and 3/4s.. i remember cuz yeah... tammy gave me 2, then someone gave me a 1/2 and then sean crushed up the other half and sniffed half of that and gave me the rest. then i guess he asked stan if he wanted an 8ball for 100$, which i guess is a good deal, and so he was off. i didnt know where he went until stan or someone was saying "wonder when he'll get here with the coke.." i dont remember much but i know i fell asleep for like 15 minutes until the coke came. i remember thinking i absolutely had to lay down and close my eyes, it was fate and ment to be, and was alseep instantly. tammy tried to stop me cuz she was afraid id never get up since that shit knocks u the fuck out. stan was alot harder to get up i guess, but i dont remember waking up. We were sitting in our chairs in the hotel and stan was setting up lines and telling us about all the coke he used to do. it was maybe around 11pm when sean went to get the shit and it was gone by 6am cuz i remember shit got alot less cloudy after that. there didnt seem to be any waiting time between sniffing, just setting up four lines over and over, then three cuz sean passed out early, until it was all gone and i had no idea where all the time had gone. i remember thinking the whole time what a great night it was, couldn't remember ever having such fun just sitting around. i felt really good but totally sober. the best sober id ever felt but it wasnt like being fucked up at all, except now looking back i was pretty smashed, just acting super calm and collected which isnt me at all. ima extremely nervous scared careful person and i hate that shit. i can never really be me cuz im always so worried and preoccupied with shit. but anyway, so the whole night was one big cloudy smooth sailin night and ima try to recollect every bit of it cuz it was so crazy. to me. fuckin wow, ima always wonder waht really did happen, like what made it so wonderful, cuz all i really know is that it was. unless i ask everyone else, we can all peice together the parts we remember, since our memories are all probly different. part of it was the flow of conversation, so easy and natural. i remember leaning in to take my line right when sean was about to and he said oh, ladies first and gives me an honest look. i was like um ok, didnt say shit but looked at him. also, i guess the conversation got turned to me thinking im ugly and sean was like "u dont honestly think that do u, cuz ur beautiful" or something. i was amazingly emotionless, just like yeah i do think that shit. didnt even say thanks for the compliment. it was weird tho cuz i usually flinch really bad when people ask me a question like that. like im ashamed (continuing writing 8 hours later) or not sure, all pathetic and shit, but this time i was totally cool, didnt think about it, didnt feel anything really except numbness. it was tight. my gayass friend jeff got me saying tight, cuz he says it like every other sentence. speaking of jeff... i wasnt sure if i was supposed to babysit for his little brother (cuz his mom dont trust jeff with her 10 month old) the next evening cuz id told her id be with tammy that day, saturday, but to let me know if she couldnt find anyone else and id do it. But i slept late after the coke exursion and woke up about 2 hours after the time i woulda been babysitting at so i didnt bother calling to find out if it was too late anyway. on sunday i found out i had screwed up but i thought since my bro and sis had known and didnt tell me, it wasnt all my fault... welll... today i find out that i called jeff at 3 in the morning, right in the middle of my coked out, zannaxed-ass little session and jeff wasnt there but i talked his mom and she told me what time to come over and blah blah and i asked her if tammy could come too and shit and she said yes. now im like wow what the fuck. just wow. i musta been sooo fucked. and i didnt even know it, and i cant remember the night but its not like when ur drunk and forget shit, its more like fuckin i dunno, some shit different. oh, cuz when ur drunk and forget shit, u remember being totally fucked and not ebing able to see and maybe it goes blank after that but this time was different cuz i remember little bits of feeling totally fine and thinking rational and acting straighter than i do sober.
ima finish with that later.. cuz right now im on adderall cuz i needed to stay up and do homework and look what the fuck im doing. anyways i got it from my sis brittany, who just got a few of them to finish the last few days of school. they had took her off of it cuz she had bad side effects. but she wanted them just to do her exams next week. so she can concentrate and shit. i have never built a tolerance to any drug till now with adderall cuz the last few times i took it have been getting alot lighter each time, so now tonight its barely even anything. i know id be passed the fuck out by now w/o it but i used to always feel really good with it, like it effected my thinking and made me feel confident and have energy like i havent had in years. id always have the perfect solution to any problem, i wouldnt fight with my sister cuz i wouldnt care to prove myself or not; it was like truth all coming to me, making life so much easier than i normally make it. mostly all my constant daily confusion would vanish, usually all of it. on top of all that was the simple body buzz that vibrates thru u incessantly, wave after wave. so i loved that shit, gave me lotsa patience too, which i sometimes lack. or often, whichever. ill take more next time or i wont even do it, if itll be this way, sux cuz its hard to get more than one pill from my sis cuz my mom monitors how many pills she gets. in the early days before i liked it so much, shed give them to me and all my friends, but mom caught on so yeah. so im disapointed that it didnt work and i guess that makes me crabby too.
current mood:  disappointed
current music: 50cent (too many wigger friends)
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