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| 02:20pm 15/02/2004 | |||
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| Read 6 - Post | |||
| Merry Christmas! | ||||
| 08:03am 25/12/2003 | ||||
Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!! |
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happy| hoy es mi cumpleanos!! | ||||
| 04:36pm 17/12/2003 | ||||
So, all in all, 10/10 day! :) HAPPY!! |
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giddy| when I knew I had to face another day lord it made me feel so tired | ||||
| 03:11pm 01/12/2003 | ||||
My dad told me to do the litter box last night. He's obsessed with it. He seriously has an OCD about many things, and this is one of them. So, I said "Yeah, sure." I don't do things right away. Especially when someone tells me to do something in a nasty way, like he did. So I went upstairs, because I hadn't seen my mom all day and I wanted to talk to her. So we were talking and my dad comes in and he's like "I TOLD YOU TO DO THE LITTER BOX!" He was going wacko over the litter box. So, I was like "whoa, I'll do it." or something liek that, I don't really remember. And he's getting really angry so he starts calling me a "Fucking asshole", " a fucking jerk." Yeah this is gonna really make me go downstairs and listen to you and do the litter box. I'm starting to cry now. I can't stand it anymore. I say that all the time, but I really can't stand it. Then he's like "I wanna hit that girl!" to my mother and she's like "Don't touch her! Don't touch her!" So he's coming around the other side of the bed trying to get to me to hit me. My mom blocked him. So he started hitting her. He didn't beat her, but he hit her. I would have rather have been hit than my mother. So then he stormed out down the stairs yelling curses about me and my mom. So, really I didn't feel like waking up today. I don't really feel like learning about cytoskeletons and shit like that. I don't wanna have stupid conversations at the lunch table about stupid things. I want to just go somewhere and be in peace. And I want to take my mom with me. I woke up today and didn't think about the night before, because seriously, it's a normal thing around here to be called an asshole by your father. Then I get to school, and I'm in Biology class. I hate Biology. Hate it. With a passion. And my teacher says, "I'm handing back the tests and I want you to figure out your percentages without a calculator." So, we get our tests back and I got a 38 out of a 40. Good, right? Yay me. So I figured out the percentage and I got a 83.6%. And I knew that was wrong, but I honestly didn't care. I didn't care if I knew how to find my percentage without a calculator. I just wanted to get through that period and the next and the next... and go home. So she comes around and she sees mine and she's like "What the heck are you doing? What the-?" I'm like, "uh, oh it's...um..." "You don't know how to figure out a percentage???????! Do it over!" So I did, I did it a different way, and I got 95%. I knew that was right so I raised my hand. "Got it? How did you do it?" "I multiplied---" "Multiplied?????! That's the last step! This is 4th grade math here! What is your problem??? You don't know how to do percentages????" "I don't know how to explain it." I did know how, I just didn't know how to explain the way she wanted me to. And she's like "The difference between you and a hamster is you can communicate." Is that really what I wanted to hear?? After being called a fucking asshole, stupid daughter by my father the night before??? No. I hate this teacher. I hate her. And then she continued yelling at me but I don't want to think about her anymore. I went to Eckerd's after school to see my mom. She's like, "You don't feel good?" And I said "Yeah." I'm tired. And not just physically. I feel really low right now. I'm sick of school. I'm sick of people who pretend to be my friends. I'm sick of my father. I'm sick of trying to look good in the morning. I'm sick of living right now. I want to relax. I want to go to an island. Ah......yes. Jamaica, mon'. I'm trying to keep my spirits up. I keep telling myself things will get better. How long am I gonna have to lie to myself? |
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sad| I'm so scared that I'll never get put back together | ||||
| 10:22am 30/11/2003 | ||||
I have this humungous pimple on my forehead. Ya know, the ones that actually hurt? Yeah, I can't even put my head on my pillow! Hopefully it'll be gone by tomorrow. Oh school, oh joy! I hate my biology teacher. I hate her. She's a freakin Nazi! I swear. She's so scary. She's such a bitch. Everyone has to sit still and make sure they do everything perfect in her class. It's so neverwrecking everytime you go in there. I get so nervous that I might say something wrong or accidently leave my purse on the lab table or something stupid like that. If you do something wrong she freaks out on you. "Get out. Get out of my room. Get out!!" Uhhhhh... I'm actually looking forward to Chemistry next year. My uncle left my aunt. She's alone with the kids, my cousins. He's such an asshole. She's afraid she's not going to have enough money for Christmas. It's a good thing they're not together though. He did this before, then he came back. I actually hope that he stays away this time. Teri-Lynn, my cousin, I miss her. I haven't seen her in about 2 years. She's my best friend. She has this unconditional love for me that it's like I can be mean to her and she can't be mean to me or something. It's weird. I used to take for granted whenever she was here and I'd get annoyed with her. But, the last time she came up here I realized that we hardly have any time together so I should make the best of it. And I did. We had a lot of fun. But she's was only here for not even 48 hours. Okay I gotta stop. I'm making myself miss her so much. I just want to give her a hug! My birthday's coming up!!!! Yay!!!! December 17th! I can't wait! |
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| Happiness | |||
| 08:37pm 02/11/2003 | |||
| you know what's good?? to act happy!!!! just be happy!!!! just do it! you don't have to have a good life at all to be happy. I think I have seriously realized that. Being content has nothing to do with what goes on around you or happens to you. I like when I come to these conclusions. think you're happy and you'll be happy. I wish everyone in the world was happy. if I could i'd make it that way, i'd rather have everyone in the world happy instead of me because being happy is the best thing in the world. so, please try and enjoy life, please? | |||
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| "i have a smile stretched from ear to ear... | ||||
| 05:27pm 24/10/2003 | ||||
Today I was walking behind him. the adorable the wonderful the charming the handsome the beautiful man, that.....I like. He's so freaking cute!! not just cute, but beautiful... perfect, almost. I've been liking him for a couple of weeks now. My friends say I'm obsessed, but I don't get that! I'm not obsessed like stalker crazy obsessed about him, I just like the guy, and I don't even know him....so I kind of feel sorry for him that some little freshman likes him. (He's a senior.) Anyway, I was walking behind him in the hall and I was wishing in my head "turn into the library, turn into the library...." and of course, he did! and so as I was walking behind him I got this really strange, but good, feeling. I wanted to touch him so bad. I just wanted to hug him, kiss him, hold his hand, just touch him. Then, when we left the library, he didn't hold the door for me. :( so that feeling went away. maybe he didn't know someone was behind him? a gentleman should hold a door, right?! Then he tripped so it was all good. lol I was thinking about him in geometry. geezus, I need a boyfriend. god! then I can stop it with this guy. poor freakin guy. okay now onto other stuff......oh right there is no other stuff. not really. iIm gonna go call cheyenne and see if we're gonna go to a movie. adios! |
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| It's been a while..... | ||||
| 11:15am 12/10/2003 | ||||
Wow, I haven't updated in a while. Well, things have been okay here. I am happy right now, and actually looking forward to starting the day! I think Cheyenne and I are going to go shopping today. I have $60. uh huh, $60! That's a lot to me! So, I'm excited. I feel like dancing today too! I think I'll practice dance today, yeah, I will. I finished all of my homework yesterday, so nothing to worry about there! whoo! My cousin got engaged! Yay for her!!! Her fiance seems cool. I can't wait to see her ring! lol I think we might go to her house for Thanksgiving. It'd be nice to do something with family once again. She's my only good cousin left here in Jersey. My dad was calling my mom a slob this morning. He was putting his newspaper on top of hers and telling her to move, like he was more important. He's such an ass. I really don't like him. That's sounds so stupid, but I mean those words with all my heart. I do NOT like him one tiny bit, there is NOTHING that I like about him. I don't hate him because, seriously, I don't have the ability to hate someone, I really don't. I have to love him, he's my father. But I don't feel any loved towards him. Maybe later in life when I am away from him, I can realize that I love him, but right now, I don't. I've started bidding on E-bay lately! It's total fun. I won earrings, green cross earrings, and pink cross earrings, and I won a tape. I didn't want to win that tape though. I really didn't. I thought I was bidding on a CD, but I don't read! I was bidding on a VHS tape. Stupid me, I know. So now I'm stuck with a Sarah McLachlan tape that I don't want. Only 5 bucks, but 5 bucks I could've used on something else. Oh well. I learned...to read! So, I think I'll go take a shower now and dance! Like angel here......  Adios, Jasmine |
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content| A room full of people. . . | |||
| 08:11pm 29/09/2003 | |||
. . .can't nobody help me, can't nobody hear me  i am such a lonely person. i really am. by myself, but fine with it. fine with it, that is the thing. shouldn't i be wanting to have lots of friends? shouldn't i be wanting to hang out with people? i mean i do, but not anyone that i know, ya know? i'm picky. i choose to be alone. and i kind of like it. the best person to hang out with is yourself. that's what i believe anyway. i've had really good friends, but then again they really weren't i just hadn't figured out what i thought was a good person, a good friend. i've been betrayed by so many people. maybe that's one thing that's caused me to just want to be alone? i don't know. i'm content with being lonely. i am mad at myself for writing in lowercase!!! I think maybe i'm going to try to write properly. At least I don't write your like ur, or shorthand everything. Geezus, that annoys me. That's another thing I do, I come online and I automatically put my away message up-leave me alone, don't want to be IM-ed! (that's not my away message but that's what i think when i put it up) Okay, I'm going to leave the computer now... |
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| and it's all okay, yeah it's okay... | ||||
| 07:01pm 25/09/2003 | ||||
Today was our pep rally at school. The freshmen won the spirit stick! whoo-ey. according to the spirit stick rules, we have the most school spirit. yeah, right, i'm so sure. we just screamed the loudest. anyway, mr. cutey was the announcer guy. oh my god he is so cute! uh.............!!!!!! he's a senior, but it's nice to have a little crush, ya know? even if i know nothing will happen, it's still fun to have a crush. it makes me happy, so that's good and healthy. i wanna run my fingers through his hair. mmmmhmmmm..... i wonder what he's like..... nice? funny? he was cracking some jokes, so i know he has a sense of humor at least. i know his brother, they look nothing alike. his brother is definently not as cute as him....or even cute at all actually. i should become really good friends with him so then i can come over and see his brother. lordy, i'm such a dork. crushes turn people into goofballs. and if they are already goofballs, then watch out! here comes 3x the goofball! tonight was the football game at 6:00. i didn't go, obviously. didn't wanna. okay kind of did, now that i think about, really did! but cheyenne wasn't going so there's no point in that, i guess. i went to the first one, we won 35 to 3. yeah, baby! and mr. cutey was there. i didn't see him the whole time, and then cheyenne wanted to move down closer to the shade so we did and guess where he sat? right in front of where we were before we moved into the shade! i wanted to move back but cheyenne was callin' me crazy. and then whenever we made a touchdown, mr. cutey would stand up, throw his arms up, and shout "yeah!!!!!!!" so i did it too! i got up and shouted "yeah!!!!!!!" whenever we made a touchdown! see? i told you crushes make people into goofballs. hmmm...what a cutey.....  |
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| this is the life..... | ||||
| 02:56pm 23/09/2003 | ||||
:( i got a zero in English today. boo hoo. i was really mad at myself. i left my folder in my locker, all the work was done, but it was in my locker. i asked her if i could bring it at the end of the day and she said "no it's a zero." but she said one isn't going to kill me.....still....i'm mad at myself. but can't help it, the past is done. I'm watching "Dying to Dance," on Lifetime. I love all those movies on Lifetime. I've seen this one before, too. It's about an anorexic dancer. I skipped dance yesterday, i was too tired. but i'm going tonight. the past couple of days have been boring, so there's not much to tell. i better go. maybe i'll update later. |
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| i'm caught in a hurricane | ||||
| 03:46pm 18/09/2003 | ||||
bring it on, that's what i say! i don't care about this hurricane "isabel". hurricane: A violent storm, characterized by extreme fury. extreme fury. uncontrolled rage. i know a hurricane myself now don't I? his name is "dad." i got a new default picture. i don't remember where i got it from. someone's live journal....so if that's you and you are reading this (doubt that) then tell me and i'll credit you. the lyrics are from Dave Matthews Band - "Don't Drink the Water." no biology homework tonight! whoo! i gotta go do my interior design and geometry homework though, and "study" for spanish, even though he said there will be a word bank and pictures. what kind of crap is that? are we in kindergarden? i guess i can't complain though, because i know i'll get an A! today i took pictures at school. i looked pretty good, lol. my picture probably came out good. i think, i hope. there are lots of many gorgeous guys at school.....but i wish there was a cute, funny, good, nice guy that i could meet. haven't met any yet. better go get started on my homework. see ya. |
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okay| it's easier to believe in this sweet madness | |||
| 09:14pm 16/09/2003 | |||
 i love to daydream. to dream about how life could be, should be, maybe will be. right now, my dad isn't home, yet, and i'm sitting at the computer with hot chocolate and listening to my little brother play with his toys. i like to think i'm a normal happy girl. i like to believe it, and tell myself lies. i never do this, but right now i am. "I am happy and content because I think I am." -Alain-Rene Lesage that about sums it up. i think if everyone convinces themselves that they are happy, and pretends to be, then they can be. not so much being fake, but just allowing yourself to not think about the bad things. just the good things, like hot chocolate and little brothers with toys. so today. normal day. school. i had lots and lots of homework. i studied biology for about an hour, for a quiz tomorrow. i better go look that over too. oh and then i had dance from 7-8. i feel so safe there. i can't get this one move where we move our shoulders back and forth. uh oh better go, dad's home, don't wanna see him and he's comign in the door. bye. i'll wirte later. |
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| depressed | ||||
| 12:30pm 14/09/2003 | ||||
i'm so freaking depressed. i don't know why. i mean, i do. life. my father. my situation. my wanting to leave. but why can't i just smile and not think about it? i guess i could. but maybe it's that i don't want to? i don't even know. my mom's at work now, my dad left about an hour ago to get lunch for my brother and i, he hasn't come back yet. he always does that. he's so slow. rip your hair out slow. and i think he even does it on purpose. my brother just said "god! it doesn't take somebody that long." grr...i'm hungry! i'm getting a salad. no, i'm not one of those girls who proudly announces that all she "ate all day was a salad." like anyone actually cares? lol no, i just want a salad. it's that california cobb w/ chicken salad at mcdonald's. it's actually quite filling and yummy. and i feel fat. so there's another reason i'm getting it. i don't feel fat, i think i look fat. well, not fat, but chubby. i look chubby, a little. well,not chubby. okay just stop! not fat or chubby! i just want to lose a couple pounds because i gained a few over the summer. i am getting so mad at myself right now for even saying that. ew. because i'm not fat, and i'm not overweight. so i would want to shoot me if i heard myself say that. but i'm also not skinny, or underweight. i think i'm about average. i'm a dancer, but i'm not that lean dancer that you think of when you think of a dancer. i'm.......a normal girl i guess. i am lean, i guess, but not skinny. most dancers are skinny. well at least the ones in my class. anyway, i'm gonna stop rambling about useless stuff because i have no idea where i am going with that. back to my being depressed. nobody even knows me. i mean i don't let anyone know what i am feeling. i'm afraid that if i do, they'll get scared and go away. so i'm my own best friend. and that's hard. i've had best friends. i was best friends with this one girl since 2nd grade. we kind of drifted apart, and i'm not sad about it. because she became, or maybe she always was, this girl i don't like. she's a very different person from 2nd grade. and wow that's horrible to say, because everyone is different from 2nd grade for god sakes. i mean it like.....we aren't supposed to be friends anymore. 2nd grade- we were meant to be bestest friends. now- not. i've been friends with another girl since 7th grade. she's the girl who i cried on the phone to (last entry.) but i feel like...she's not supposed to be my friend either. well, she's supposed to be my friend and we are friends, but she's not my, oh god, i don't even know what i am saying anymore. i'm just saying that I am my own best friend. i am there for me. i cry with me. i listen to me. i love me. ya know? and my mother is my best friend too. without her- what would be my life? she's the best person i know. the best. the most understanding and loving and caring. what a dork. my mom is my best friend. but i'm okay with that. |
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| well, it's the first | ||||
| 02:20pm 13/09/2003 | ||||
this is my first entry at blirty. i'm going to be seriously speaking the truth about my life here. it's going to be like my real diary......i think. but i do feel weird having people being able to look at it. but if i didn't have people look at it then what's the point of having an online journal? my aunt paige called yesterday. my mother had written her an email about life up here. so she was worried, because life up here is not so good. so i talked to her because my mother wasn't home. so it kind of went like this.. Aunt Paige: Hey, how's your mom? Me: She's .pause. okay. AP: Tell me the truth. Me: She's not good. AP: I didn't think so. then we got into how my father and my mother are always fighting and my father beats her down mentally. AP: so you can't take it anymore? Me: I really can't. AP: You want her to leave? Me: Well, I want him to leave. AP: You want him to leave. Me: Yeah and more than that, but i don't really remember details. i went into my mom's email today. yeah yeah i know, wrong. but she already asked me before if i read the email because i kept asking her about it, and i hadn't then, so i decided to today after she left for work. she confessed to aunt paige that she felt like there was no other way out other than suicide. and you know what? i wasn't shocked. i wasn't surprised. if i were her i'd feel the same way. we went through this about two weeks ago. my mother, little brother, me and my father went shopping for "back to school" clothes at Target. So it came out to be $300 for my little brother and I, for clothing, socks, bags, and other odds and ends. so he freaks out in the car, yelling about how stupid (as usual) we are, and what big jerks, assholes, all that kind of stuff. so i'm crying (he doesn't care) and my mom starts crying saying, "you know i always though i was a good person." and she is, she's the best person. "why do i deserve this? i never did anything wrong. why don't i just die for you! better yet! why don't i just kill myself! so you can feel the pain." it was possibly the worst moment of my life. then we got home and we all got out of the car, except for my mom and she drove off. so i went in my room and my little brother came in with me, and i couldn't stop crying. i kept crying. and i felt like such a jerk crying in front of him, because he didn't know what to do. he kept saying it'll be alright. but i knew it wouldn't. i told him that i think mom is going to kill herself. so we decided to go ride our bikes to get away from dad. so all the while i'm crying, i must have cried about 2 hours straight, i didn't stop. so after riding around for awhile, i told him to go home and that i was going to go to my friend's house. so he went home, and i called my friend on my cell phone but no one answered so i didn't go over. and my father comes and finds me and tells me 'oh i love you, blah blah blah, oh i'm the only one fighting for us' bullshit, i didn't buy any of it. he thinks i'm this little naive girl. so i kept riding my bike and i called my friend again and she answered. so i talked to her on the phone while i'm riding my bike. and i was trying to hold back my tears (i still hadn't stopped crying) and i was just carrying on normal conversation then finally i just broke down and told her "i dont know where my mom is." sobbing through this and everything and "i think she's going to kill herself." and we talked, well i talked and she listened, which i thanked her for later. and she made me laugh and my dad found me again and said "get home! it's late out! there's weird people out!" like he actually cares. he's one of those weird people. so i went home, saw my mom's car, and ran in, i was so happy. overwhelmed and i ran and hugged her and kept saying "i love you i love you i love you i love you...." and that was probably actually the happiest moment of my life, went from worst to happiest. that's basically the story. my mom told me this morning that she hopes i know that she was never going to do anything. (commit suicide) i believe her. but i'm scared. i think she would do that, or maybe murder my father. (she also said that in the email) uh i'm just soooooooo freaking sick of this life. i just want out so bad. i want my father to go away forever. he's the cause of all the pain and suffering in this house and i just can't take it anymore. |
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