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16th April 2011
late at night
This is where the end breaks. This isn't magic; it is disease. I am so clearly diseased.
The melancholy weighs down my ankles and knees. I am crawling on the ground pleading for your sympathy
but you have thrown it all away already.
As you stand ten feet higher than my liquified bones could reach
I find myself wondering aloud; where hidden was this sudden breach of meaning.
I though I had you figured out completely
But I was missing something
you are me
so much fucking like me.
The self saboteur has sliced open your insides and is now walking confidently in your skin.
How can I compete with that?
How do you expect me to just walk away
when I know there are too many kinks in your mind
for me not to be able to slither myself in to at least one of them.
I'm not even asking for a corner
but rather a corner of a corner of a corner of that glorious globe you hold in your head.
I remember not so long ago you had opened the whole damn thing to me. Told me to put my feet up and make myself at home. Told me that I could poke and prod wherever I decided to roam.
I thought you meant it forever.. I was wrong.
You can only be held for so long before you get bored or give up.
I wonder which I would have preferred.
Would I rather your laziness prevail over your general wanting;
or that my own mind might push you away.
Either way I can't help but believe that there must be something wrong with me. I am clearly not worth it.
I get that
I see that
Why does it have to bother and scathe. Why can't I belong to you the way I feel I was meant to?
These questions can never be answered. Or they can but I simply won't like it.
I guess this is ending, huh? I was so certain I would have been the one to do it.
Porque sé, que me espera algo mejor
Alguien que sepa darme amor
De ese que endulza la sal
Y hace que salga el sol
Yo que pensé nunca me iría de ti
Que es amor, del bueno de toda la vida
Pero hoy entendí, que no hay suficiente para los dos
Me voy, que lástima pero adiós
Me despido de ti y
Me voy, que lástima pero adiós
Me despido de ti...
(Julieta Venegas - Me Voy
11th April 2011
Where are you?
I don't know where the day is today. I am incredibly sad and hungry I feel badly for this.
You are not answering my emails. I can't blame you. I know you're busy and you suck at time management. I know you hate being at your house now that your parents are around all the time. I get that. But I still hate you for it. And I can't believe that I'm still missing you, you know. Like I don't care about you - but I do. Maybe it's just that I care more about what you used to do for me. And how talking to you allowed me to think things through and put things out. Maybe it's just the way that you were interested in most things I had to say. But you still are interested and I know you're interested, but you don't give me anything back because I am also interested in you and what you're doing. I really don't much like sharing myself with anyone without them sharing back. And I know there are plenty of people who would love to talk and talk and talk but I'm not one of those, I like to listen. I like to listen listen talk. And I miss you liking to talk and talk and listen. It worked well.
And of course Matthew can do the same for me. But you've got so much that he just doesn't and that's mostly your life experience and your mind and the way you are so open and critical. But you are not critical for the sake of being critical -- you are just thoughtful. I miss you so much. But I wouldn't dare say it. Well I would say it, but not in a serious tone where I might cry because sometimes I do feel that I might cry. I won't though. Maybe I will.
I hate this
and I think I hate myself.
you made me like myself. And that's gone now.
the contessa deluxe
that you bought at laney swap meet for seven bucks
sat on the passenger side the whole way down
to fullerton ca your home town
i'm writing this letter to say
that i read your last letter for the fifth time today
i've memorized the typos under x's & the o's
punched clean through the paper
that typer you bought w/ the c button bent
so you have to use the sign for the cent
& the stamps you stick
on the envelopes you lick
are what keep me close to you in your parents' backyard
punching the typewriter keys too hard
(Casiotone for the Painfully Alone - Oh Contessa)
Current Music: Casiotone for the Painfully Alone - Oh Contessa
28th November 2010
Lets take the easy way out - let's move away for good.
I want to be elsewhere. I want to be some one else. These days no one else really knows who I am
or who I am becoming. Maybe I am becoming nothing. Maybe I am nothing more than an ink splotch. I don't think there is such a thing. Could you imagine, a human ink splotch? I would never guess.
There are too many things to think about in the world. And I don't know enough about any of it to have a real opinion.
One day, far away, I will be some thing better than I am today. I will ride so high it will make you sweat to watch me fall. Perpetually falling - that's what I feel like. It''s so real but it's nothing you could ever understand.
This haze of a state is truly some thing to admire, but I don't have a mirror. Could you imagine me? My face : my eyes, my cheeks, my smile, my hair?
what a kreep shut up.
12th November 2010
got a job at michaels
started working tuesday ---- verrrrry cooooool. Seasonal (for now) but whatev -- better an dominoes!
11th January 2010
some one's always coming around here trailing some new kill. Said "I seen your picture on a hundred dollar bill" But what's a game of chance to you to him is one of real skill. So glad to meet you, angeles, Picking up the ticket shows there's money to be made. Go on and loose the gamble, that's the history of the trade. Did you add up all the cards left to play, to zero. Sign up with evil, angeles. Don't start me trying now -- Cause I'm all over it, angeles. I can make you satisfied in everything you do, all your secret wishes could right now be coming true. Be forever with my poison arms around you. No one's going to fool around with us no one's going to fool around with us. So glad to meet you angeles. :
Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell. Brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Walk with me suzie lee, through the park and by the tree, we will rest upon the ground and look at all the bugs we found. Safely walk to school without a sound. Here we are no one else we walked to school all by ourselves. There's durt on our uniforms from chasing all the ants and worms. We clean up and now its time to learn. Numbers letters, learn to spell, nouns and books and show and tell. Playtime we will throw the ball, back to class through the hall. Teacher marks our height against the wall. We don't notice any time pass, we don't notice anything. We sit side by side in every class. Teacher thinks that I sound funny, but she likes the way you sing. Tonight I'll dream while I'm in bed while silly thoughts go through my head about the bugs and alphabet and when I wake tomorrow I'll bet that you and I will walk together again. I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends.
I've been through some hart but I'm feeling so much better. And I'm standing in your yard, I could be there forever. And I know if you saw me now, you would be much perplexed and I know if you saw me now your mind would be contorted but I love you. Every time I think of you the sun shines brightly on my soul. But there's something missing, part of you part of the whole. I cried a million tears, filled an ocean with my sorrow. And if I had my way, I'd be up to see ya tomorrow. And I know if you saw me now, you would be quite perplexed and I know if you saw me now your mind would be contorted but I love you. Everytime I think of you I feel like writing a song. And If I could win your heart, I'd never thought it'd take so awful long. And I wish upon a star, hope that we could get together. I'll be standing in your yard, we could be there forever. And I know if you saw me now you would be much perplexed and I know if you saw me now your mind would be contorted and I know if you saw me now you would be quite perplexed and I know if you saw me now, your mind would be contorted but I love you.
16th December 2009
And I walked in and said hello and smiled as wide as I possibly could and she said - oh, hello. How are you? - And I said i'm doing really well gramma how are you doing - and she looked and nodded and said - oh, well, I'm doing ok. - and she just stared at me and said - gosh your hair is pretty. How did you get it to do that? - I told her it just falls like that some times - but the color is so nice, when did you do that? - I just said thankyou and she said - you look so pretty. your mother is lucky to have such beautiful, good girls. - She said she heard we got the cat back and how glad she was.. I guess a sign that her brain is still functioning. She is still very self aware, still very organized and worried she wont have her comb and her chapstick for the morning. She asked for coffee and everyone thinks that's a good thing but I'm not so sure because I've noticed with everyone when you're ready to die, you get delusional and your mind puts you in a better place, some where safe and you start acting out the things you loved to do while you were able. My grandmother loved to talk and drink coffee. I feel that if she were to get better she would be asking for water because the body wouldn't want coffee when it was so sick, all that would do would deplete her even further. Perhaps it is more a sign of her strong personality than of her wellness.
She asked several times if my dad was alright. She worries about his high blood pressure. She was worried about my schooling. At one point she took my hand (when she thought my mother and I were going to leave) she begged me to take care and be well. And her hands were so cold and you could see right through them straight to the bone. Her eyes were so foggy they looked like a cat's sleeping with its eyes open but that protective layer pulled back.
I guess she said to my aunt that she felt really bad about everything. That she was so afraid she was going to ruin Christmas. It kills me she would think that. That some stupid bullshit of a holiday could ever mean more to us than her. She was doing so well just a week ago and I'm hoping that this sickness can leave her and that she can start to be rehabilitated all over again and be well and move into assisted living (the small apartment, not the big one like Janeen wants) but things just look so grim right now, she doesn't seem to be improving. I guess the most important thing is to just be hopeful in these sorts of situations.
Funeral home, funeral home
I'm going to the funeral home!
Got me a coffin shiney and black,
I'm going to the funeral and I'm never coming back!
(Daniel Johnston - Funeral Home)
8th October 2009
I want what you have. And the fact that you don't even seem to realize how good it is to have what you have makes me want it more. I want money. I don't want to have to live like this anymore. I don't want to have to worry about how I'm going to pay for college once its all over. I don't want to have to worry about how i'm going to afford shit I shouldn't have to even think about. How is anyone expected to succeed when its almost impossible to get a decent job without spending 100,000 dollars and wasting four to ten years of your life just to get a stupid piece of paper that says nothing more than you were dedicated enough and dumb enough to actually follow through?
Some days I wish I could just go on a straight coke binge until I lost all this extra ugly weight so I could go run off with 80-year-old billionaire and then give him a bj so good he dies so I can inherit all his money and live my life the way I want to live it. I just can't handle the financial pressure of living. And that sounds so stupid because I have so much to be thankful for. There are so many people, many of which are very close to me, who have it much worse financially. But at the same time I'm surrounded by all these people who have it so much easier than me and all the time I have to listen to them whine and complain about the dummest shit. the most superficial things and all i can do is nod my head in agreement. Because how are you supposed to just slap your friend in the face and lay all your own financial worries on them. What are they supposed to say to that? And would it even help? Because it seems to me that it would only make them feel sorry for me and be even more prone to treating me like some penniless pauper they avoid on the street.
I just wish americans would learn to recognize what truly constitutes as being poor and what it truly means to be wealthy. I'm just tired of money being as big a social obstacle as it is.
17th September 2009
i want to be transformed into a masterpiece i think. but some things are just not plausible. some things you can ask and ask and ask for until you're blue in the face. some things you can hope and hope and wish for and it becomes like a poisonous embrace. because part of you thinks its possible but really it's just a weight to be carried around your waist. there are some things you just cant have. its hard to be told no once, but it's even harder to be told no once you've already gotten a taste.
5th August 2009
I feel like we're crumbling. Like.... i dunno.... we haven't really talked in SUCH a long time and I don't feel as much a sense of missing him as much as it is a certain kind of worry like I'm hurting him by being out all the time and not being able to talk. But at the same time, he's the one who decided we shouldn't see eachother until this weekend for the fear that we might "kill each other up in Michigan" which I'm not sure should be taken as him getting annoyed and sick of me or him thinking that I'm getting sick and annoyed with him. I think its the first though. Which makes me angry and sad... I have no idea whats going to happen.... there are so many things that need to be done. lammmmmmme
I was living in a devil town
Didn't know it was a devil town
Oh Lord it really brings me down
About the devil town
And all my friends were vampires
Didn't know they were vampires
Turns out I was a vampire myself
(Daniel Johnston - Devil Town)
1st August 2009
Its weird how you can be friends with some one, but then the minute they start dating one of your other (closer) friends, you get all weird and start looking at them in a totally new more critical way. And then suddenly they're not good enough for your friend to date, but somehow they were good enough for you to be friends with.
Idk ... its just odd.
some days, I wish image weren't so important, but other days I think what would America be without it?
Well, you hear the fish and they're making this sound
Saying, "We just want to go on walking around
And feel what it's like to fall down"
(Modest Mouse - Perpetual Motion Machine)
22nd July 2009
Soooo -- tons of shit - I guess Chris Brown broadcasted a formal apology about the whole Rhianna thing that happened in February. I think that's good he's making a public apology, I was waiting for it really, but I just wish he coulda done it in his own clothes with his own words. He seems so friggen FAKE in everything he says. I realize that chances are he really is sincere in everthing said and he really does feel like it, but that he just needed help with the wording and that's fine. I just think that it would have been much more impressive and meaningful if it came from him and not his pr manager. idk. Anyway ----- the cynical side still thinks he only did it so ppl would start buying his shit and going to his shows again.
In other news I went to the Incubus show at the charter one pavilion last night. It was pretty friggen sweet and I was glad they opened with Privilege.... I felt kinda awkward tho since I only actually have one album which is (obviously) Make Yourself. Dun matter though cause it was still pretty pimpin. I really liked Brandon -- not for the obvious hotness or because he does the singing and junk whatever, but because he was like super into the music and totally over the whole objectification and obsession with himself that's so prominent and he acts how I think I would act if I were the frontwoman of the band, which is that he tried to put most of the focus on the guitarists and such (they were all friggen AMAZING, btw but DUH) I wish the jumbotron would have focused on them more and I'm sure that if boyd hadn't done anything about it, they would have shown them even less. This whole entry is super like scrambled, btw --- what with doing it over three days time and getting distracted being tired. So yeah the show was great, I definitely fainted, that was quite the experience. Scary but also strangely hilarious? Everyone thought I was drunk or something haha. What was funny is that I fainted during Warning and as soon as my friends were able to pull me from the pit and i got water and fell down, I sat and looked at laura and was all like "I love this song...." and started singing it haha.
anyway I have a poem cause I'm cooool like that. It's a scrap idt i'll be posting it to da for parent purposes. I dont want it to get misinterpreted cause it seems like it could be about so many 'bad' things that its not... ANYWAY
Its going in in in
how I dreaded that word
but I'm embracing it now
there is no out
it can't be taken out
out is too soothing
out is too easy
this is in
sit in it
I guess you can have lyrics tooo....
Floating in this cosmic Jacuzzi
We are like frogs oblivious
To the water starting to boil,
Now I flinch and we all float face down
(Incubus - Warning)
9th July 2009
Sometimes I wish you were more poetic. Not in the way of speaking or writing or being, but rather in your actions, small actions that could mean everything but are still very small in thought. Perhaps if when we lay, you would gently stroke my neck with one finger or stroke your veins while you are thinking. Maybe you could shut your eyes and take a slow breath in before saying something important, thereby allowing your worlds to flow out gently through one single thread of air. Or possibly while walking up stairs you could gently skim the rail with your fingertips or have an extra heavy (albeit silent) leg as if the journey were a burden, not a physical one but more emotional...
Maybe this is just Narcissus wanting to be lovers with himself.
30th June 2009
I'm watching The Doctors, you know, that talk show where its four doctors from different fields answering questions and discussing various topics. Well, todays show I guess what embarrassing questions teens have, I only really caught the end but just the part where they get an email asking their online answer question which was to the tune of "Can you get an STD from a tanning bed????"
Holy shit gais, really?? They're called SEXUALLY transmitted for a reason, so unless some one jizzed all over it after they used it and you like LICK the bed or rub your butt or face all up in it, then NO you will NOT get an STD.....
What is wrong with this country? Are people just getting dumber or what? But really I can just imagine that question coming in from some northern californian preppy dude getting an std from his slutty girlfriend who's only defense was "I wasn't cheating!! It was the tanning bed I SWEAR!" hahahaha
Daniel Johnston is AMAZING and I am super excited to see him
For every Chord that is played
There is a word in my heart that has paid
'Caus my soul loves music
And it loves to hear it made
(Daniel Johnston - Chord Organ Blues)
27th June 2009
As my family gets older and starts dying off one by one I'm starting to realize how much I really do look up to them and how every single one of them has done something special and great that makes me just really really like them and truly realize how FRIGGEN COOL my entire family is. And it's troublesome.
Its troublesome because I'm so young. I'm only nineteen years old and its strange. Its strange I'm so closely bonded to them through blood, but at the same time I feel like we're in completely different time zones because of the age differences. I wish I were born the same time they all were because then I could have hung out with them, gotten to know them better and nonchalantly be like "yeah, I know them."
But I wont have that. And that's fine. I suppose I just worry about being able to create my own coolness, especially in contrast to them... not that I'm trying to outshine anyone or anything. It's more just like being able to find my own spot. And it seems too that every friend I've got has some amazing talent or skill and they've all got insane amounts of potential. I mean, yeah I have something I'm really passionate and I really want to do but I'm so worried I wont be able to do it. I'm worried I'll wind up being a school counselor instead. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I just don't want that for my life.
I'm also worried my emotions will get in the way. I don't want to sit down with a kid to get their assessment of things and just start balling. They don't need that.
I don't even care.
I wanna be kooooooool
There's a real cool club
On the other side of town
Where the real cool kids
Go to sit around and talk bad
About the other kids
Yeah it's a real cool club
AND YOU'LL NEVER BE A PART OF IT!!!!!!
Current Music: Screeching Weasel - Cool Kids
4th June 2009
Oh my oh my I absolutely cannot WAIT for school to be over.
AL - MOST - THERE!!!!!!
It seems like we're always talking about the things that we do wrong
but let's not forget to talk about the good things that we've done
But no, we've got our faults, and Ima say that I agree
But punk rock music saved my life, I can sing it honestly...
Up the punks!
(Ghost Mice - Up the Punks)
31st May 2009
: may 22. Well.
A week before hand I had applied online at jobsthatmatter.org to work for public interest with Environment Illinois. I hope I got all that right... anyway on the 22 I got a call saying they wanted to see me for an interview that night at six. Awesome
I was soooo crazy excited. When I got there though, I got totally and completely lost and wound up there about 20 minutes late. Then I walk in, get on the elevators --- even more lost. room 714?? this only went to 709. Eventually I saw a poster where I suppose they changed the room number and I go in... it's like a joint interview. I suppose they decided to do the overview and interviews in bulk. I had dress casually (with a tad of formal) and everyone else was like Super business-y. Two other people came in later than me though and that was nice. One kid walked in even more casually than me and more cocky so that helped me ease down a bit.
Anyway eventually I was called for my interview. It went really well! I'm thinking because I really really wanted the job (that always helps). At the end she offered me the job. I was sooooo soo soooo shocked and happy and just like -- YES.
I'll be working as a canvasser. Basically, I'm the environment's new ho. Saweet.
What's not so sweet is that about five minutes before leaving from my house my mother calls. Well, my Aunt Esther who had not been doing so well in the hospital had taken a dive. Gain one thing, lose another I suppose.
My sister and I headed over after my interview. It was horrible. She couldn't breathe on her own it looked like she was a fish flopping around without oxygen. She couldn't talk she just stared out. She looked scared life she knew.
My Aunt Neen was there and of course her side of the family is more like
hide it away
hide it away
and I think it makes it more painful to watch but at the same time I admire the way she can tuck it back enough to where she can actually talk. I have such a hard time with death. Not my own, just the death of others though I couldn't tell you why. I guess it's just me being selfish and if that's the strongest way my selfishness will ever manifest itself, I think I can live with that.
About an hour or two maybe into me and Karen being there, Neen wanted to leave. Partly because she wasn't sure if it's what Aunt Esther would have wanted, but also because she's got kids at home. My mom and sister and I weren't so sure about leaving but she was so insistent. I think part of it was because she didn't want it to be alone in leaving because I know she wanted to stay too. Some times it's just a matter of whether you can or not.
At the end of it we decided to go back up without her. In less than an hour, Esther passed. My mom, I'm not sure if she felt some sort of blame. Esther kept pushing off this like breathing mask thing. It wasn't pumping oxygen, Karen said it was something that did the same kind of thing that putting your head in a boiling pot of water with the towel over it does. It like opens up your nose and junk. Anyway, Esther didn't like it. Everytime she pushed it off my mom put it back on but eventually Esther just looked so angry and kept pushing it away so fiercely that my mom left it alone for awhile. Eventually she put it back on but when Esther continued to take it off, we went to get the nurse. The nurse said to leave it on. She checked the vitals while she was there and said that Esther's pulse was slowing and then she died.
That's a very rushed version of what happened but there it is.
We called Neen, she came back and then handled things whateverwhatever. We went after to go tell Grandma........life.
The service was on the next thursday. She got the taps and everything it was really nice. When I saw the people they send from the army I was struck with the overwhelming sense of honor for having been present and to know that she was my Aunt. It almost made me want to join service just so I could have a funeral like that.
We found out that she was actually the last member of WAAC alive. I read up on them and they were the first women who worked as soldiers and not just nurses and that. They were also the only women who were aloud to do artillery work. Even women in service today can't do that.
She definitely had a great Military Career. She worked in the Pentagon as secretary with all the secret files and that surrounding her and she met several great Generals and that.
She was also a really great writer. I loved getting her notes for birthdays and graduation and things. I asked her once if she did any sort of prose or poetry but it seems like her answer was very like "No, I hadn't even thought of doing something like that." I think about that a lot. I feel as if some thing wonderful was lost on this world like maybe if she had put her hand at writing she would have been wonderful. If you could read one of her letters you would know what I mean. I don't even know if I could find one anymore... Sad.
Finals are coming and coming and coming and it's STRESSFUL but life will be better I'm sure of it.
Now today is tomorrow
And tomorrow today
And yesterday is weaving in and out
(Cake - Comfort Eagle
10th May 2009
I'M SUCH A FUKKING JERK
I haven't posted lyrics to any of my entries in like 5 months or something... SUCH the neglect.
Anyway!!! I got back my Santogold ablum sooooo Because of the excitement and joy of regaining some beloved music, I'm posting lyrics from her. ENJOY IT
Now won't you run and tell your boyfriend
Tell him don't hold his breath for me
I've got some money I was saving
Got some hearts that I'll be breaking
Know someday they'll make a martyr out of me
I know someday they'll make a martyr out of me
(Santogold - I'm a Lady)
Current Music: Santogold - I'm a lady
29th April 2009
really verry verrry depressed. :
I'm thinking that it was a really bad mistake on my part to have flipped around so much with my friends. Because all my life it seems I was in and out of groups never really just sticking and now I am all alone. I see all these pictures of all these events I didn't go to And I can't be sure if it was because I wasn't invited or because I blew it off.
I'm so excruciatingly lonely. I want this time of my life to be over so I can get out of college and start my real life, go to shows and do crazy things with the set group of friends I feel that I'll have by the time I'm through here.
I just.. hate.. everything. Someone please pull me up. Anybody?
7th April 2009
you can definitely call it that.. it's ugly and horrible. and I'm sorry you're probably not an asshole but all I wanted was for someone to be nice to me and you did and then you decided to call me back and tell me how stupid I was for letting myself get so stressed and when I was hurt you just let go - whatever.
And that just threw it.
And the pain in mmy side that always comes when I'm super stressed started up again and I tried to sleep but that just made it worse. That just made me so lonely and scared waking up alone in the dark. And now I'm balling and I can't control myself. Balling and screaming at the top of my lungs how much I hate you. But I don't hate you, I'm just hoping that you'll hear me somehow and rush over here and fling open the door and make me feel better. But that's not going to happen. And so I will just continue to choke on my wails because my nose is too stuffed to breath from or to even clear my throat well enough to get air to pass. I'm dripping salty screams onto my laptop - it's a mess. I just can't be alone
but I can't call you either because it's not going to help any, you wont understand or even try because all youll hear is a sobbing ren and really. Who wants to deal with that head?
My head hurts so much I just want someone
to be here for me now. But no one will come. not a soul because everyone's busy
out on their own having fun. They can't hear my disturbance and it's probably for the better
i want to die.
asshole asshole asshole :
learn to quit while you're ahead.
I hope you're kicking yourself now realizing that thank you was sarcastic and i was tearing up not laughing.
Depressed and sad. Really very sad. I think because I've been gaining weight and my house is a wreck. I feel like I'm really lazy all the time and that just gets me sick. I dont have a job which is worrysome and just... I am kind of a little upset that matt was unable to stay by me this weekend and be cute like he said he would, especially since he stayed over thursday instead and we were not cute at all. I'm upset that we wound up doing stuff when he said we wouldnt.
I feel cheap. I don't like him having to be away so often. Maybe that's clingy but I don't think so. I think it would be wrong if I saw him everyday or every other day or even three times a week. But I only really see him once, or twice if I'm lucky.
maybe I'm just getting my period.
Or maybe not... .. .
5th April 2009
: I finished my winter courses and guess EFFING what!!---- Straight A's - how coooooool.
Uhmm what else is new?
Jen prego? ewwwwww
and also Maggie is a super cool chick.
I haven't been so upset lately so I haven'treally needed to write in awhile.
Has it already been mentioned that me and matt had our first year anniversary deal? Well we did. And it's so weird how I was so against the dating thing but it's worked so far into my advantage and I'm actually really good at being a girlfriend (at least I think (hope) I am) or maybe I just got lucky with a good guy.
I hope this relationship never ends.
sorry I stopped offering lyrics...
10th March 2009
I hate stress. Stress hurts. Bad. oh godohgodohgod shut up......
too much dirty laundry, not enough clothes to wear.
life life life
I miss you dearly my dear sir.
25th February 2009
Matthew James is the most perfect boy a girl could ever hope for!
: Yeah I'm mad at you. Because while I always enjoy seeing you, I also remember explicitly telling you that I had a lot of work to do and it would be better if you didn't come by. But you did. And even now I'm still effected by how much SHIT I had to do that I had all day yesterday to do but didn't because you came by. And then you left at seven and I was sad so I got drunk and then just went around played video games to get my mind off of everything and then went to bed. This morning I still can't get into the groove because writing the first paragraph is the hardest and I can't do it. I can't focus and it's your fault.
It's my midterm. It's worth so much of my grade and it's hard enough to write on it's own without your distraction. Not only that but I need to meet up with sam at three and then go to class at five until nine and the paper is due tomorrow morning at ten IN THE LOOP meaning I need it done by nine am. And then thursday I've got two classes no time to get my photos for photography - I DON'T HAVE PHOTOSHOP I CAN'T WORK ON IT AT HOME. And I have that website due and yanno what? I'm not fucking doing it on guns anymore cause Id on't have the time for all that research so it looks like your out. And now I feel like this weekend is going to be ruined because you still haven't gotten the reservations. I would make them myself but I don't even know where we're going. And either way, all I'm gonna be able to thinka bout is all the work I need to be doing but can't because I'm with you. I JUST WANT TO COLLAPSE INTO NOTHING
And I can't loose my scholarship which is what's going to happen because I only have a 2.5 right now I need a 2.7. Are you getting this??
No more weekday visits - PLEASE
Whatever happened to "your school work is more important"? I'm so mad right now.