I'm turning 16 in a day and I realize little things that I never actually payed attention to earlier on in life. I've realized how much I still depend on my family. I'm depending on them to put me through Universtiy, and to help me to afford a car, and to help me get where I'm going, and in a way, it's a puncture to my pride. On the other hand It's quite like someone has dunked me in a pool of ice water, and expected me to learn how to breath without assistance. I'm terrified that I'm not going to make it through life without someone's support. I have always had the vision of making it on my own in an un-familiar surrounding, and surviving. And the thought is so fulfilling that I hate to let go of it. What am I to do for money? I have no experience... except for cleaning cages, how would that help in my working a desk job? Making money? Well, first I would need a place to live, and to find a place to live, I need money to begin with, and I don't have that. For the first time I actually considered going to school in the US. That's my damned habit again, of wanting to be a pleaser. My mother was almost pleading with me the other day. Try for school around here. I don't want you going over seas, I will never see you again. And It tears me up. I want with ever fiber of my being to be on my own. I want so much to live a life in a place where I'm an unknown, and make a name for myself. Another part of me wants to hug my mum and promise never to leave her side, just so as not to upset her. I'm literally torn between my hopes and dreams, and that of others. Life is so amazing that it shouldn't be wasted, and I believe it. And now, when I look back, I realize that my life has been to please others. I may be opinionated, and stubborn at times, but I have always bent to the will of others, and given in to that, that I wish were better, settling on the fact that it won't be that bad. I see myself as independant, as do the others around me, and I question, If I'm so independent, and I depend on so much from those around me... how independent can one truely get? I plan on finding that out. I have come to the conclusion that I have done so much for others, and I will still continue helping them. But this is something for me, and I'm not going to let any obstacle get in my way. I don't want to sound concieted, but I am not going to let this bring down my hopes for my future. Don't depend on others for your future, for what will become of you, when they move on?
Okay, so, I am a frequent dreamer. I'm one of those people that wakes up, and they remember all of their dreams, and usually, if I'm lucky,one will stick with me through the day. I had one of those dreams last night. But it was one of the ones with ...him... in it. It's a whole new one, and only one thing that he says really stands out, and I won't mention it until further on. We are running from some thing. I get the odd feeling that it's someone very important, and I, as I always do, over think the situation. We were on a dock of some sort, because I remember water, and I was hiding, pressed up against one of the dock's posts. I was quite afraid, because I wasn't sure that I was making the right decision, and was putting a lot of thought into the situation, really, more than was required. I could actually feel him put his hands on my waist, and he shrugged his shoulders so non-chalantly like it wasn't an important decision. He had apparently come up with a simple response to my worrying. He had leaned forward, and in all actuallity, my breath caught in my chest, and I could sense tears stinging the back of my eyes from his intensity. He came so close to my face that I closed my eyes as though anticipating a kiss, though I knew that it wasn't comming. When he talked, I felt his lips brush up against mine with each word, but it still wasn't a kiss, it never was, though I know that I would be willing to fall victim to one. And this may sound completely stupid to those that read this, but he said "Well, why do you eat fruit". My response was that it is sweet. It had so much clarification and meaning to me though. Compairing the situation to just picking up an apple and eating it. You don't have to think about it, just go along with instinct, and I was instantly comforted by it. He pulled away, and I held his hand for a brief moment before he lead the way. Then I was pulled aside by someone with a needle. I was completely frightened, but to board whatever type of ship we were on, I needed that shot. I held out my arm, but instead they pulled me forward and inserted the shot at the back of my neck. I screamed, and My face was damp with tears. My hair was clinging to my face. That was where I was awoken. Then I realized something afterward. It may have seemed during the dream that he had left me to those people. But since I still had a connection to the dream, I came to a conclusion. What we were planning to do was to rescue a group of tortured people. In order to get to them, we had to become one of them. Someone had taken him also. I'm actually anxious for sleep tonight, to see what happens. I'm usually anxious every night, just to see him. He still has no face, but I know without a doubt that he and I are destined to meet, and that he is real. The emotions and feelings from that dream are too real to ignore.
So, seeing as this is in fact a journal, I'm not going to pause to hold anything back. I'm going to admit now, what I have never admitted to anyone, not even my best of friends. I have this overwhelming sensation of someone large sitting on top of me, and not letting me up to my full potential. I have a terrible habit of wanting people to be happy, and I have the problem where so many of my friends are increasingly unhappy as the weeks pass by. I have to watch everything that I say, because it might offend someone. The worst of it is, that I can't be myself. No one actually knows the true me, besides me that is, and a few members of my family. It seems that people are keeping me from that. For some, it will upset them if I have the same interests, or the same desire, because they feel that they should have something special in their lives... they don't seem to get it though. I don't think that they understand that I'm not gloting, I'm not trying to beat them at anything, I'm not even trying to come off as better. I don't see why I can't enjoy the same things without being hated for it, why I can't say that yes, I like this as much as you do, without being yelled at. I'm restricted, and it's not by just a few people, it's by almost everyone. One thing or another that I might say could offend any one person that I talk to, and I don't know who I am going to trigger. I can't be me. No body has ever been told this, so anyone who reads this should feel privliged. I'm not trying to sound conceided, it's far from that actually. I just want to share peoples joy and excitement, without feeling that I'm taking it away from them. I want to be able to just be me, not worry about reactions, or conflicts. I have actually fallen asleep on many a night, crying, yes, crying, because no body really knows, and if they did, they would be upset with me. I just had to get this off of my chest, and don't bother to comment on this. I didn't mention any names, and I don't want anyone writing me and asking if they are one of those people, because with each question, I will answer exactly, "no comment". Life is for living at the fullest, and in this time of my life... I can't.
music: "Unchained Melody"-Kenny G
|Pondering life's meaning
I don't know that really anyone reads this journal besides me and a few select friends of mine. As it always is with my Father, today we sat down and talked. We talked about important issues in life, government, economy, and history. We also talked about the little things like culture, personal life, things that actually hit home. It made me realize something though. I do enjoy those talks, I enjoy the fact that I get to subject people to my opinion, though I have realized a few things. We all live, as it seems to me, in our work. You seldom see the dreamer anymore, you rarely find the person that wants to discover the secrets of the world. To some it's like there are no more secrets, as if life is solved for us, here and now, and all we have to do is fix it up a little. That just isn't true. I hate that people are so fixated on "facts" when half of what we believe are hypothesized, and only history seems based in fact, sometimes not even that. Where have all the dreamers gone? I personally think there should be more of them. The world isn't based in fact, infact, it most likely isn't at all as we seem to see it. I probably seem like I'm rambling, and truthfully I had an aim when I started this, but I'm tired and my argument isn't all that it has the potential of being. Any way, on the subject of dreamers, anyone who knows me would be aware that I am one of the few that makes themselves known. I just want to have this out in black and white, so I have some sort of record. For almost a year now, I have been having the same reoccuring dream. It doesn't seem like a dream to me though. It's like, well, it's like a vision really. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like I have been there, and in my heart of hearts, I'm sure that I have. Well, any way, the vision is so real. First I'm in a large old building, and in victorian wear. I was celebrating my marriage. The man, I couldn't see his face, but I get the most amazing feeling when I think of him. I'm surrounded by people, I don't even know, but I know that they are family. Most of the rest is faint, but I will awake with the vision left in my head that we are lying in a bed, and he has his arm around my waist, the two of us, sleeping peacefully. When I wake up, I half expect to find him when I roll over. Seeing as I'm half asleep, and distraught over the dream, I'm always devistated when he isn't there, and on occasion I will start crying. A few of the times I'm already crying when I wake up. I don't know what it means, but I think that it does have meaning. I would hate to go out on a limb and freak people out by saying that it was a past life. But I'm not ruling out that option.
o. First name: Jennifer
mood: still bored
music: nothing yet...
o. Middle name: Elizabeth
o. Last name: Wouldn’t you like to know?
o. Nickname(s): Vivi, Tabby, and many others
o. Age: 16 (soon)
o. Birthday: August 27th. You want the year? Do the math!
o. Height: 5’ 71/2” and growing
o. Hair color: Dark Brown (no, not black)
o. Eye color: Funny story, they used to be green… their brown now.
o. Glasses: no
o. Contacts: No
o. Braces: Retainer
o. Hair short or long: Fairly long
o. Where you were born: L.A. California baby!
o. Where you now live: Rochester NY …. Unfortunately
o. Astrology sign: Virgo (I’m the virgin)
o. Chinese zodiac sign: Rabbit
o. Nationality: Irish! Oh yeah! Then Welsh, and a tiny bit of German and Dutch
o. Bad habits: Talking a lot
o. Piercings: Ears… twice
o. Tattoos: I want a rose on my ankle.
o. Mother's name: Linda
o. Father's name: Jeff
o. Brother's name(s): What brother? (Scott)
o. Sister's name(s): None… unfortunately
o. Favorite aunt: Rena? Or Kim… I dunno
o. Favorite uncle: Can’t choose, don’t make me!
o. Favorite grandparent: ditto
o. Worst relative: I don’t think any
o. Best relative: I choose not to dignify that with a response.
o. Best family memory: I don’t know… my cruise?
o. Do you get along with your parents: Of course.
o. Do your parents understand you: No.
o. Does anyone in your family understand you: I don’t understand me!
o. Are you still in school: uh huh
o. Current grade: 11th
o. Favorite grade: 7th
o. Worst grade: 9th
o. Favorite teacher: Welch
o. Worst teacher: Bellinger, hands down.
o. Favorite subject: English and art.
o. Worst subject: um… gym?
o. Buy or bring lunch: Don’t have lunch.
o. School sports: Is badmitton actually considered a sport?
o. High school: Arcadia
o. School activities: Drama, magazine, other things
o. Popular or what: Who me? *looks over shoulder*
o. Favorite memory: England, Wales, by far!
o. Worst memory: Grandpa and Papa’s surgery
o. Number: 16
o. Clothing brand: how cliché
o. Shoes: if the shoe fits….
o. Saying: Hiya!
o. TV show: Charmed
o. Sport: sports? What?
o. Vegetable: carrots, green beans, celery
o. Fruit: watermelon, strawberry, peach
o. Movie: An affair to remember
o. Actress: Whoopie all the way.
o. Actor: Don’t make me chose.
o. Candy: Pay day?
o. Gum: Spiramint
o. Scent: lilac
o. Candy bar: Don’t know
o. Ice cream: Pineapple
o. Color: Emerald green
o. Season: Spring and fall.
o. Holiday: Halloween
o. Band: Um… Bon Jovi?
o. Singer: Enya, Lorenna, lots and lots
o. Music: Celtic… new age
o. Fast song: “One Wild Night” Bon Jovi
o. Slow song: Unchained Melody
o. Thing in your room: My kitty
o. Place to be: In the rain
o. Radio station: The Zone, Kevin and Pete are great.
o. TV channel: TV Land!
o. Junk food: Chips and Salsa
o. Fast food place: Don’t like fast food
o. Restaurant: Chili’s
o. Shape: A heart?
o. Time of day: Late night, early morning.
o. Country: Britain… sorry Major
o. State: New Mexico
o. Boy's name: Daniel
o. Girl's name: Vivianne
o. Mall: Pentagon city
o. Video game: EEEW! Video Games!
o. Shampoo: Renewal 5X
o. Computer game: None
o. Car: Some thing that moves
o. Music video: Um… I don’t think so
o. Swear word: oooh, scandalous!
o. Month: October (Halloween, duh!)
o. Cartoon: Cartoon?
o. Song: “Unchained Melody” Righteous Brothers.
o. Scary movie: Interview with a Vampire
o. Team: for what?
o. Eminem: White trash
o. Hot: Cold
o. Britney Spears: slut
o. NSync: Girly-man!
o. Real world: Really, not
o. Orange: Lemon
o. Fuck: bad!
o. Bisexual: whatever floats your boat.
o. Black: Mysterious
o. Insane clown: *gigglesnort*
o. Linkin Park: Um.. no
o. Jack: Jill
o. Rainbow: Colours
o. Cherry: Yummy!
o. Cucumber: Pickle
o. Shark: Jaws
o. Bat: Guano
o. Leather: Oh yeah (what guys look good in leather… but it’s a cow, and that’s wrong)
o. Whip: kinky
o. America: stars and stripes
o. Water: Happiness
o. Volcano: Hot rain
THIS OR THAT
o. Rock or rap: Rock.
o. Pop or rap: I refuse to answer that
o. Rap or R&B: Um… not rap
o. Rock or metal: Rock
o. Linkin Park or Limp Bizkit: No…just… no
o. Tool or Korn: huh?.
o. Winter or summer: Summer.
o. Spring or fall: Spring
o. Shakira or Britney: Shakira?
o. ICP or Eminem: Neither
o. Marilyn Manson or Rob Zombie: Nope.
o. Kittie or Garbage: say what?
o. MTV or VH1: Neither
o. Buffy or Angel: Don’t know
o. Dawsons Creek Or Gilmore Girls: Gilmore Girls
o. Football or basketball: eeew, sports!
o. Summer olympics or winter olympics: Does it matter?
o. Skiing or snowboarding: Sledding
o. Rollerblading or skateboarding: Biking
o. Boyfriend/girlfriend: No
o. Crush: No
o. Do you love anyone right now: No, I don’t think so
o. Have you ever been in love: yes, I don’t remember though (don’t ask)
o. Ever had sex: no
o. How many hearts have you broken: none, I hope.
o. How many people broke your heart: none that I know of
o. So what's your significant other like: who? Well, he is invisible at the moment, but I’m searching for a good body.
o. Do you go more by looks or personality: Well, looks are a start, personality wins me over.
o. Ever kiss a friend: yes
o. Are you still friends: not any more
o. Do you smoke: No
o. How about weed: nope
o. Acid: no
o. How about a little ecstasy: Do we see a pattern arising?
o. Crack, heroin, anything else: NO DAMN IT!
o. Are you a sissy who drinks Mike's Hard Lemonade and wine coolers: Yummy, yes
o. Prefer beer or liquor: Guiness is okay
o. Last time you got some: Well, that’s really sweet. Never.
WOULD YOU EVER
o. Bungee jump: Hell yes! Total adrenaline rush!
o. Skydive: Sure, why not?
o. Swim with dolphins: I would love to!
o. Scuba dive: That would be amazing
o. Go rock climbing: Been there, done that.
o. Change your religion: I don’t really have one
o. Turn your back on your friends for personal gain: Hell no, not for anything
o. Steal a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend: The chance hasn’t presented itself
o. Crossdress: Good Halloween idea!
o. Lie to the police: No, I couldn’t
o. Run from the police: Do I look stupid to you?
o. Speed away from the police: Again…
o. Walk up to a total stranger and kiss them: Sure, why not?
o. Be an exotic dancer: Sure I would.
o. Walk out of a restaurant without paying: I don’t think so
o. Streak: would my face be seen?
o. Best friend(s): Too many to recall
o. Known longest: Dana
o. Wish you talked to more than you do: Emily?
o. How many friends do you think you have: Too many to count
o. How many do you actually hang out with: The majority of them.
o. Who drives you insane: The majority of them
o. Ever lose a good friend because you took it to the next level: Not that I remember
o. Craziest: Kate?
o. Loudest: Dana?
o. Shyest: Chrissy
o. Best hair: Emily
o. Can always make you laugh: All of them
o. Best eyes: I don’t look.
o. Most athletic: Emily
o. Shortest: Caitlin
o. Tallest: I do not… know
o. Best singing voice: That isn’t something I’m good at determining
o. Skinniest: I don’t know
o. Nicest: All of them
o. Best personality: all of them, why else would we be friends?
o. Biggest drug user: No one, I hope
o. Alcoholic: Dana?
HAVE YOU EVER
o. Flashed someone: No
o. Told the person you liked how you felt: Yes
o. Gotten really REALLY wasted: Never
o. Gone to jail/juvenile detention: Not that I recall
o. Skateboarded: Hell, no
o. Skinny dipped: does being 5 count?
o. Stolen anything from a store: Never
o. Kissed someone of the same sex: Um... That’s just weird
o. Been to a concert: Yes.
o. Been to another country: England, Wales, Canada, Mexico, Cayman Islands, Jamaica (don’t recommend it)
o. Talked back to an adult: When I was right.
o. Given money to some homeless person: all the time
o. Tried to kill yourself: no, why would I?
o. Cried to get out of trouble: Yes.
o. Kissed a friend's brother/sister: Um…. No .
THE LAST THING
o. You ate: Green Beans
o. You drank: Pepsi- rots your teeth, but damn it’s good!
o. The last place you went: School
o. Last thing you bought: A gift for a friend
o. Last person you saw: My brother
o. Last person you talked to: Jill
o. Last song you heard: Waiting for Tain -Jazz
YES OR NO
o. Do you like cows: Yes, to eat? no
o. Do the voices talk only to you: Yes, because I’m special, and you aren’t
o. Are you straight: Last I knew.
o. Are you short: not really, no
o. Do you own a hot pink shirt: Unfortunately, yes
o. Do you like Marilyn Manson: No.
o. Did you ever touch someone else's no-no spot: I’m proud to say, no
o. Do you shop at Hot Topic: Not really
o. Do you remember your dreams: Almost always
o. Can people read you like a book: No, I’m a little confusing, I can read them though
o. Do you talk a lot: Quite a bit.
o. Are you afraid of clowns: no, their funny
o. Can you drive: Can I? Yes… am I supposed to? No
o. You an only child: Do I get to choose whether or no?
|| Read 2 - Post
|Tests from my recent journal
music: Nothing... oh my!
You are a true nature girl!
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I'm amazed.. really, I am
I had to add this, I thought it was funny as hell...
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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You represent... hope.
You're quite a daydreamer and can be a hopeless
romantic. You enjoy being creative and don't
mind being alone at times. You have goals, and
know what you want in life... even if they are
a little far fetched.
What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
^I think that's pretty right!
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
Description for You see flashes of light, eyes in
the dark, and there's a voice in your head that
inspires you to do things beyond your beliefs.
You are the essence of magic:
Colors blur and shift and change,
Black is not evil
White is not good
And Greys are no longer what they seem.
Magic is everywhere,
It is your heart
It is your soul
Or it will be your downfall.
Are you magical?
brought to you by Quizilla
^yay for me
What type of affection are you?
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
What's your magic power? I took it twice... same results
You have the Power of Flight!
What's Your Magic Power?
brought to you by Quizilla
What emotion are you?
You are Beauty.
You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the
outside, or both. People are drawn to you as
strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the
world around you.
What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
What kind of kiss are you? (go me!)
You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.
What kind of kiss are you?
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|Note to all new commers
My name is Jennifer, and Welcome to my journal. I had one other, but it was somehow deleted... I don't know why, but my letter was never sent to the e-mail I gave them. I want to forewarn all who come here, that you might end up reading things that you do not approve of. I don't mean to offend anyone in any way, sometimes it does happen though, and I'm not afraid to hold anything back, so, if you want to read on, do, if you are easily offended, I would suggest that you don't.
music: "The Cave Ceremony"-Lorenna McKennit