Friday, August 15th, 2003
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3:02 pm
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Day after day, love turns grey
Like the skin of a dying man.
Night after night, we pretend its all right
But I have grown older and
You have grown colder and
Nothing is very much fun any more.
And I can feel one of my turns coming on.
I feel cold as a razor blade,
Tight as a tourniquet,
Dry as a funeral drum.
Run to the bedroom,
In the suitcase on the left
You'll find my favorite axe.
Don't look so frightened
This is just a passing phase,
One of my bad days.
Would you like to watch T.V.?
Or get between the sheets?
Or contemplate the silent freeway?
Would you like something to eat?
Would you like to learn to fly?
Would'ya?
Would you like to see me try?
Would you like to call the cops?
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?
current mood:  uncomfortable
current music: pink floyd | one of my turns
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Sunday, August 10th, 2003
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10:45 am
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http://naucon.net/misc/tests/love_test01.htm
1. You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and
free.
2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is creative, never let you feel bored.
3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is stylish.
4. What you hate most in your partner is that the person is
ruthless, cold-blooded, and/or ironic.
5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is one that you care not only about the present but
also the future with your partner, a long-lasting relationship
that you can grow with.
6. You care about the society and morality, you won't do anything
wrong after marriage.
7. You are quite pessimistic, you don't think happy marriages exist
anymore nowadays.
8. At this moment, you think of love as a committment for both parties.
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Friday, August 8th, 2003
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12:47 pm - twirling and spinning … down and down further.
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lately i’ve been a swirl of emotions both positive and negative.... the confusion all meeting in one spot centered is a cyclone where depression meets empowerment. It’s like a black hole absorbing everything around it … bending light. eating stars. planets. the moon. and the sun. maybe when it’s had enough and my gapping hole has been filled it will collapse on itself and go out or lay dormant but tell then it feeds.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: grandaddy | i'm on standby
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Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
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8:46 pm - you say i choose sadness. that it never once has chosen me ... maybe you're right.
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i want to be a better person. i want to be a better student. i want to have a better attitude about life and people. i want to play the drums. i want to break dance. i want to fence. i want to fight. i want to learn something new ..... i'm tried of wasting my life away on here. i'm tired of constantly waking up with the same somber feeling inside me. i feel heart broken and there's nothing i can do to pull myself out of this flooding sensation. i'm drowning in it. i don't know where up or down is .... all i can do is frantically head towards the surface (or what looks like the surface) swim. swim. swim. and gasp for air. hopefully i don't eat dirt.
why are waves always crashing on my heart? i feel like i'm caught in a rip tide. and the water is tossing me ... tumbling me in circles. and circles. like an alligator.
( fin. )
current mood:  depressed
current music: rilo kiley | the good that won't come out
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Sunday, August 3rd, 2003
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10:56 am - i've been up since 6am ....
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last night i went to bang with tyler. eric. and erin. i got really sloppy pathetic drunk and bitched about how i hate men and relationships the whole night. then i woke up around 6am (still tipsy of course) ran to the kitchen because i was dying of thirst. gulped down a huge glass of water. and i've been up ever since .... i think it's about time i brewed myself a cup of coffee. hah! oh yes. i also undeleted my old blurty journal "anomie" why? i don't know but i decided to keep it around just because .... unfortunately it's laced with dan memorabilia (which i guess was the reason i deleted it in the first place). humm i'm am a odd one yes? ... well it's back. i guess i just couldn't part with such a lovely username as "anomie"
current mood:  lethargic
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Saturday, August 2nd, 2003
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2:08 am
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Love Will Tear us Appart. You're fond of love, but
love turns you down. All your life you've been
suffering from love. But you're a dreamer, you
keep loving because it's your living.
Wich Joy Division Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
current mood: depressed
current music: coldplay | the scientist
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Thursday, July 24th, 2003
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1:43 am - i'd like to thank you all for nothing at all.
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i'm lonely. i wish i had someone to cuddle with. i feel like being held. like being warm. and happy. hhmmm sounds like it's vicodin time for becca. sedate myself. dream of being fullfilled and complete.
current mood: depressed
current music: wilco | misunderstood
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Monday, July 21st, 2003
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11:42 am - wow ...... it's a small world.
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so last night i'm at club 82 in the back ... on the the phone with regis (my team mate) and i see icuras! we had met in portland for a few days while him and his friends crashed at lindseys apartment. it was just weird seeing him. hah! i ran into some one i met in portland .... crazy. well any hoo .... regis is coming to down from portland SOON! words can't describe the excitement i feel. we're doing to tair los angeles to shreads.
current mood:  awake
current music: hot snakes | xox
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Sunday, July 20th, 2003
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10:41 am - OMG! yes!
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i posted my old goth pic up on this website out of sheer boredom ..... and when i checked it today (cause i'm a loser and have nothing else better to do) i'm in the top ten! ha ha ha!
current mood:  amused
current music: drive like jehu | do you compute
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Friday, July 18th, 2003
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7:31 pm - take me back to the paradise city were the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
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i want to go back to portland at the end of the summer. all i have to do is convince my mom to pay for it .... with sounds alot easier than it is. i miss my portland buddies and i hate it here.
current mood:  anxious
current music: guns n' roses | paradise city
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10:34 am - the misadventures of rebecca buhler .... part duex.
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so my ear is infected the doctor said "this can get worse before it gets any better". i have to take one pill three times a day. they gave me vicodin in case i start to feel any pain. but knowing me i'll rough it out and just take aspirin for the "pain" (right now i'm not in any pain at all) and then save the vicodin for a later day ..... but on a lighter note.
i get to see interpol for FREE. thanks to 1iota. on the jimmy kimmel show (live) yup i'm excited. this how i got to see fischerspooner for the first time. i'm allowed to bring one guest ... so of course i'm bringing my sweet thang jasmine. it will be fun. so on the 23rd look for us in the crowd.
well any hoo last night i had a dream i was in that cartoon series lupin! (on cartoon network) it was fucking weird. i think it's because i was watching adult swim before i went to bed ... in fact. i was watching lupin. it was a really vivid dream ... it was one of those dreams that seem so real you wake up in the middle of the night wondering where the fuck you are and if your still dreaming.
..... i think i'm going to make me some coffee. and then clean up around my apartment. i need to do the dishes and take out the trash. plus my bedroom is in need for some cleaning.
current mood: awake
current music: your enemies friends | your enemies are your enemies friends
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Thursday, July 17th, 2003
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11:09 am - unprepared to come to terms that we're all food for worms.
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i'm finally getting health insurance!
there's a a lot of things i want to check out ... i don't like not knowing where my health is going. plus i need to get screened for diabetes .... my dad has diabetes like a mo'fo and i just want to make sure that i don't have it. because that shit is genetic.
last night i had a lot of company over ... and know my refrigerator is filled with precious booze. beer. lots of beer.
ahhh shit it's so fucking hot!
current mood:  hot
current music: of montreal | old people in the cemetery
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Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
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9:59 pm - ggeeezzzz why me?
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omfg! i ran into nick today! dude! what the fuck? is it like run into your ex week or or something. last night sebastian. today nick. geezz who's next. josh? fuck!
current mood:  bitchy
current music: belle & sebastian | get me away
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4:20 pm - there's to many bad memories in this city.
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last night i ran into my ex boyfriend sebastian .... egh what a jerk. and i was doing so well avoiding him. i could have pulled a dan and played the pitty card (the easy way out). but id didn't ... because i don't want anything to do those kind of people. and i have this thing called self respect. plus i'm sure if i told him about what dan did he would probably kick his ass or something (that's if he still cares about me of course) like the mongloid that he his ... funny thing is he looked all "bro" ha ha ha mr. "punk rock" is completly bro now! hah! he was even wearing a pennywise shirt. it's funny how people change .... they always revert back to their true roots. this guy used to be a total fashion punk. with the bondage pants and studded blets. spiked hair .... now look at him. he's become what he hates the most.
current mood:  bored
current music: the psychedelic furs | goodbye
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Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
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11:13 am - i'll take grey skies over my head rather than sun on my shoulds any day.
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i woke up today with a a fucking major head ache due to all the vodka i drank last night .... now i have to get ready for school. wander around campus in the hot hot fucking sun. i hate the summer time. i'll be happy when autumn comes and the leaves start to fall. and the weather cools. and grey skies are over my head.
p.s - i dedicate this song to you.
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: wilco | say you miss me
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Monday, July 14th, 2003
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3:41 am - god your such a lier.
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you know who you are.
...... yeah. more and more i keep finding out what a pathitic little lier you where. i'm glad to know our relationship ended know. the truth has funny ways of spilling through the cracks ... hah! and the source! that's the best part.
current mood: amused
current music: of montreal | jennifer louise
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Sunday, July 13th, 2003
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1:14 pm - i'll take truth over comfort any day ...
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people piss me off. excuse me and my brutal honesty .... sometimes i think people want to be lied to. people don't want truth ... they want comfort. all of them. even the ones that say they "love you" never again will i allow myself to be fooled into thinking that. never.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: muder city devils | i drink wine
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Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
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10:55 am
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humm ..... i think i don't want to go to school today. i hate my teacher. she's fucking stupid and knows less about health than i do.
current mood: awake
current music: the starvations | girl of stone
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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
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4:51 pm
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i dreamt of a fever,
one that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart.
with heat to melt these frozen tears and burned with reasons
as to carry on.
into these twisted months i plunge without a light to follow
but i swear that i would follow anything
if it would just get me out of here.
and so you get six months to adapt
and then you get two more to leave town.
in the event that we do adapt we still might not want you around.
and i fell for the promise of a life with a purpose
but i know that that is impossible now.
and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories
because i just can't think anymore about that or about her tonight
i give myself three days to feel better
or i swear i am driving off a fucking cliff
because if i can't make myself feel better
then how can i expect anyone else to give a shit
and i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
because i swear that i am dying, slowly but its happening
so if there is a perfect spring that's waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be alright
its going to be alright, yeah you worry too much kid,
its going to be alright.
current mood:  complacent
current music: bright eyes | if winters ends
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Tuesday, July 1st, 2003
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5:35 pm - i'm the operator with my pocket calculator. i am adding. and subtracting.
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i'm bored ... i know i should do the dishes but i'm all sedated from the sudafed i took earlier today ... stupid allergies ... i swear i'm cursed. well any hoo .... tomorrow i'm going to go with my mom and buy all the food stuff for the 4th of july bbq that we're having at my place. i hope everyone shows up ... i'm sure everyone will but that's always me pampering the seed of doubt.
i want to have fun this weekend ... friends and booze helps becca forget all her problems.
current mood: bored
current music: kraftwerk | pocket calculator
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