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Thursday, July 15th, 2004
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5:36 pm - meh
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i just e-mailed jeremy. gah...now im kinda starting to regret it. i asked him everything ive been thinking about him for the past 3 months. and im ....ing scared as .... to hear his responce. he might not even e-mail me back...gah. boys are dumb anyway. im going through such the biggest pink floyd phase right now. its insane how ....ing beautiful they are.
current mood:  nervous
current music: pink floyd
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| Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
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4:39 pm - beep
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im at the library and some crazy lady just yelled at her kid. it was really scary. her vains got all big and stuff. im really fucking tired. since sunday i got a total of 18 hours of sleep. im kinda beat. and i also have a massive project in health do in less than a week. but the project should be fun, its about the dangers of acid. woo! oi....i talked to meghan the other day. it was kinda awkward. i kinda sorta got the feeling that she was all grr and wanted to punch me in the face....but i dont blame her. shes mad/hurt about what i said. im really hoping that maybe both of them will take what i said , and change. then everyone can be happy, including them. ive noticed a big chane in myself within the past 2 weeks. im a lot more positive, my attudie has totially changed, and i like it. im starting to do a lot more for myself and work at what i want. it makes me happy to know that im really trying to change who i am and what i do. and i think its all because of me standing up to meghan and deedee...dont get me wrong, i still feel really bad about them being all upset, but it was what i needed to do to really change. i feel great.
current mood:  content
current music: QUEEN!!!!
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| Sunday, July 11th, 2004
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3:58 pm - woo!
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warrped tour KICKED ASS! omg, twas hella kool. i went with maddison,kendra,danielle and jace. I FUCKING MET THE VANDALS! ah! it was insane. thier show was fucking insane and i met them after, and the lead singer gave me a kiss on the cheek!!!! fuck....i was like about to cry. i cant even explain it. woo! i gots to go now, im at liz's house watching the animals! woo!
current mood:  thirsty
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| Saturday, July 3rd, 2004
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3:01 pm - wehehehehehe!
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i feel all good like. i talked to meghan and deedee last night. it was grand. i told them everything. everything everyone else thinks but is to afraid to say. and it feels great. except for the part where i feel bad because they are all sad now....i never wanted to start shit. and i dont hate them at all, and i hope they dont hate me. twas not my intention at all for shit to be started.i was just telling the truth. but now i feel a lot better telling them the things i did. of coarse they are going to take all of what i said and deny it. but whatever. im going to let them live in thier own stupidity. its not my problem/falt that they are all crazy like. and ive learned to accept that and not really care if they are being lame. the only thing im worried about is them playing the marder in all of this. then they get everyone to hate me and be all blah to me. i dont think they they will get eveyone to be all blah to me, but they will definetly play the victom and get people to feel sorry for them. oh well. i have no control over what they do. but hey, good times. im hanging with maddie, kendra and jace tomorrow at warrped tour! yay! hopefully being with them tomorrow will bring me new friends, ones that arent retarded. yay for warrped tour! enid, i really wish you could be at warrped tour. im so sorry. when i meet the vandals, i will call you and you can talk to them and such! call me lataaaaaaaaa
current mood:  good
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| Sunday, June 27th, 2004
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4:03 pm - toothpaste
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blarg, the el-nino bites. fuck, i really dont want to go to school tomorrow. i dont want to have to deal with stupid retards that think they are god. fuck. someone save me!
current mood:  stressed
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| Thursday, June 24th, 2004
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4:49 pm - blarg
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blarg....im so god damn tired this week. ive had to get up at 6:15 each morning to get to school. it sucks. summer school is so aweful. my friends are all blargie and meh, and my teachers are retards! god...i mean, i try to say hi to them at brunch and they walk away....oh well, its not like i would enjoy hanging out with them anyway...i think it need new friends...ones that dont think they are god and are all evil likeor i could just becomre a loner fro the rest of my 3 years at high school! i wouldnt have to deal with retarded people! it will be great! i dont know...im just really tired of a lot of things....i broke up with jamie...i still like him but its just not the right time for me to be dating...im so confused and im such a mess...and im still not over jeremy. which is really pathetic because he turned into a dick.i feel like such a looser still liking him, i mean, he is happy with his new g/f and doesnt want anything to do with me. i can respect that....i think. all i want is an explanation. and to punch him in his delicious face. hehe. blah. oh well, it takes all kinds. and plus, boys are dumb. my sister and i are talking a lot more. which makes me happy because she's starting to like me and trust me. hopefully she'll take me with her one night to a party and i'll have a blast. god...i need to stop idolizing my sister. ever since i can remember, ive always looked up to her and want to be her. ya know why? she is happy. she is happy because she has good friends...and thats all i want too. but that isnt going to happen with the friends i have...its just not. i will never be like my sister and have the perfection she has....i wish i could change it
current mood:  sleepy
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| Monday, June 7th, 2004
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2:28 pm - fweeeeeeeee
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woo. i woke up at 11 today. it was really nice. i mean, if i was at home, then my mum would have woken me up at like 9, and since i crashed at liz's, i got to sleep in. it makes me happy. im in a really good mood today. im listening to interpol, i have internet, and im with my best friend. hopefully i'll get to see jamie tomorrow and this good mood will continue.
current mood:  naughty
current music: interpol
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| Sunday, June 6th, 2004
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11:14 pm - I LOVE INTERPOL!!!!
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dude!!! fucking i e-mailed interpol and was all i have a music video that i want to send into the band. and they were all like yea, send it in and enter it into the contest we're having. and im sooo going to do that!! fuck, what if i win!? that would be so fucking nifty. i havnt been this excited since jeremy called me....just before he screwed me over that is...i actually am kinda getting over him, which is good. but a part of me wants to keep him and never not think about him. but i cant do that to myself. ya know, my whole fucking life all ive been worrying about other people, and what they thought of me and how i can help someone, i really need to start focousing on me, because its really starting to drive me insane.
current mood:  bouncy
current music: weird al!!
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| Wednesday, May 26th, 2004
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4:54 pm - fwa!
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fwa! i want jamie. i want him to be here so i can squeeze him. fuck! why does he have to live in pacifica?!?!?! what is this?! MEXICO?!?!?! gah. fuck i want him so bad. i also want some pizza. that sounds fucking awsome. im gonna go and get me some pizza...
current mood:  busy
current music: ur mother
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4:54 pm - fwa!
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fwa! i want jamie. i want him to be here so i can squeeze him. fuck! why does he have to live in pacifica?!?!?! what is this?! MEXICO?!?!?! gah. fuck i want him so bad. i also want some pizza. that sounds fucking awsome. im gonna go and get me some pizza...
current mood: busy
current music: ur mother
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| Monday, May 24th, 2004
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1:35 pm - banana...
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fuck! i worked so fucking hard on my script, and bigue hates it. whatever...i mean, flowers are pretty, ey? (lol) anyway, deedee is pissed at me because shes silly. fuck, im really tired of retarded people. im so sick of them all! fuck! i want to just go G.I Jo on everyones ass! including bigues. fuck, my whole day has been total shit, and this was the one thing i was looking forward to all day and it turned to shit. and fucking sarah is mad at me!!! FUCK!!!! as if nothing else could go wrong, sarah has to be all meh like. i asked her what was wrong, and she told me to go away, and then i asked if she wanted me to kill anyone,and she said,"that would be commiting suicide, now wouldnt it?" that just made me start to ball. i fucking balled like a bitch. i cant take the fucking retards at our school. i cant take my own retardism. fuck...and when i get home, me mum is probly going to bitch at me some more.....ya know, times like these i really wish there was a god, because then everything would work out ok. i would have some faith in someting. but there is no god, there are no angles, there is nothing, only us...fuck, i hate that...
current mood:  blah
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| Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
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12:54 am
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uck. today sucked. well, its 12:53, so yesterday sucked. we had this party for vanessa at me house. and i was really looking forward to an awsome time. thats all i wanted, just to have a really good time with my friends and now have any drama. why did i get my hopes up? fuck....i really had a shitty yesterday. all i wanted was a good time, but instead all i got was a bunch of bullshit. i love my friends, i really do. its just that sometimes i want to kill them. i wish i had 6th grade back. where everything was perfect. i had real friends, i had fun. and i was happy. i was truely happy. i miss that. i miss not having to deal with drama. i miss people being nice to people. and i miss jamie!! fuck....im really trying hard not to fall in love with him. because i know how bad it will hurt when he turns into an asshole, or breaks up with me. fuck....i should have killed myself when i had the chance. then i wouldnt have to deal with crappy friends, parents, school, and pain. maybe i should go to ocania. (yes i know i cant spell) it'll give me a chance to meet new people. and i'll get to be with shmee and jamie!! fuck, it really pissed me off when everyone was being mean to shmee. that really fucking pissed me off. if you dont like someone, just leave them alone. fuck. i hate it when people always have to have drama in thier lives. im not targeting anyone specifically, cuz i do cause a fair amount of drama. and then when i left carls Jr. no one even cared....i wasnt expecting anyone to chase after me or anything, but its like they wanted me to leave. which im sure they did, because, hey, im the CRAZY ALCOHOLIC!!!!! WOOO!!! oh well, im not going to let other people's shit consume me.
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12:53 am
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uck. today sucked. well, its 12:53, so yesterday sucked. we had this party for vanessa at me house. and i was really looking forward to an awsome time. thats all i wanted, just to have a really good time with my friends and now have any drama. why did i get my hopes up? fuck....i really had a shitty yesterday. all i wanted was a good time, but instead all i got was a bunch of bullshit. i love my friends, i really do. its just that sometimes i want to kill them. i wish i had 6th grade back. where everything was perfect. i had real friends, i had fun. and i was happy. i was truely happy. i miss that. i miss not having to deal with drama. i miss people being nice to people. and i miss jamie!! fuck....im really trying hard not to fall in love with him. because i know how bad it will hurt when he turns into an asshole, or breaks up with me. fuck....i should have killed myself when i had the chance. then i wouldnt have to deal with crappy friends, parents, school, and pain. maybe i should go to ocania. (yes i know i cant spell) it'll give me a chance to meet new people. and i'll get to be with shmee and jamie!! fuck, it really pissed me off when everyone was being mean to shmee. that really fucking pissed me off. if you dont like someone, just leave them alone. fuck. i hate it when people always have to have drama in thier lives. im not targeting anyone specifically, cuz i do cause a fair amount of drama. and then when i left carls Jr. no one even cared....i wasnt expecting anyone to chase after me or anything, but its like they wanted me to leave. which im sure they did, because, hey, im the CRAZY ALCOHOLIC!!!!! WOOO!!! oh well, im not going to let other people's shit consume me.
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| Friday, May 21st, 2004
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12:36 pm - blah
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i fucking hate fucking everything. FUCK!!! i saw jimmy todays and i started balling because i realized im still hung up on him. gah...i hate having these feelings for him when he is such an asshole. he really fucking is. i cant help being attracted to assholes, i blame it on my dad, and 2 other guys that are beyond assholes. i get to see jamie today!!! yay! im excited but also kinda nervous because shmee isnt going to be there and i dont know what we'll talk about because i'll be so nervous. i so cant wait to go to the tech fest tonight. mr.bigue is gonna be there *sigh* fuck! he so shouldnt be a teacher because then i could do a lot of things....hehehehe
current mood: blah
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| Thursday, May 20th, 2004
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1:45 pm - banana
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yesterday was so kool. i saw jamie after school...he asked me out. woo! i feel kinda bad though....he's a guy...and it scares me. yesterday i was so freaked out. i didnt even want to look at him because i thought i was gonna cry. i mean, i really do like him. he is just so sweet. but i dont really know if im ready for a relationship. im still not even over jimmy or jeremy!!! but i want to be with jamie so much. i just need to get over myself oh and, i really like getting comments, so comment on stuff!!! it makes me feel special!!! woo!
current mood:  crappy
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12:58 pm - I HAVE LIVED!!!!
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AHH!!! I FUCKING TALKED TO ADAM CAROLLA!!!! i called loveline and talked to adam and drew!!! gah!!! i have lived!!!
current mood:  ditzy
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| Tuesday, May 18th, 2004
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12:58 pm - i like ur face~!!!!
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| Monday, May 17th, 2004
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12:57 pm - woo!
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im in a good mood for once. i feel good and nifty. i think its becuse of jamie. *sigh* hes so fucking awsome. he's my almost kinda b/f. and he makes me smile. and thank god i make him smile. at least i think i do. fuck, he's so kool and sweet. but i cant help but get paranoid and think that he will turn into a jimmy or a jeremy. thats one of the reasons i dont want to go out with him. i just cant be hurt again. it will put me right back in the hospital. and i really dont want to go there again. i think that i just need to get over myself and ttake a chance and not focous on what will happen, focous on the moment. i really hope he doesnt turn into an ass....
current mood: happy
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| Sunday, May 16th, 2004
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2:11 pm - whoo
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im auccially somewhat happy. i kinda found someone that isnt an asshole. he makes me smile and thank god that i make him smile. he's so fucking sweet. and he so nice. and he also still has a penis. which scares me, i keep thinking that hes going to end up like jimmy or jeremy. or all the other guys that have fucked me over. and i dont know and what if i totially fall completly in love with him and he doesnt and he hates me and breaks up with me?! that will hurt a lot. and i really cant be hurt again...it will put me rifht back in the hospital. and i dont want to go back there. im really afrid of getting hurt. i cant do it. and i just need love right now, snuggly passionate love. (yes, i know, im pathetic) that what i need, to just be loved. and what if i dont get that? thats gonna hurt even more....fuck...i hate having to think. fuck. i really really fucking like him...i need to not be scared.
current mood: happy
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1:44 pm
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horny