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|Friday, February 28th, 2003|
Well, I didn't do anything I had planned on doing today, but had a decent day anyway.
Got a call from my friend Schellie this morning, she was going into Windsor to have a laser treatment done and wanted to know if I wanted to tag along. So of course, I went. We ate lunch in an old fire hall that has been converted into a diner, called the Fireman's Grill. It wasn't too bad, just took forever to get our food. Then we went to the casino. I had never been to the casino. Always wanted to go, but never really had the money to go and the husband sure never cared about taking me anywhere like that. (Or anywhere else for that matter.) I made sure I didn't take much with me, only $20. That way I could not lose much. But somehow, even tho I seem to have no luck at all in my life, I came out $5 ahead. We had a great time and figure that we will do that again the future.
I know women at work that go to the casinos all of the time. Some do really well. There are some that go to Vegas several times a year. I guess the truth be known I have always been a bit jealous of them. Not really because I wanted to go to Vegas, to the casinos. Just that they had husbands that not only felt the need to try hard to support thier families well, but that those same husbands enjoy doing things just for their wives. Saving money and taking them special places. Buying them special things. I never felt I needed to be rich, just enough to pay the bills and to maybe go to some of those places my friends go to. Hawaii, Alaska, Carribean, Jamaica, almost anywhere. But especially Scotland and Ireland. To have fun exploring and seeing new places. But I realize today that I will never see those places. I will never get to Scotland or Ireland, only my dreams will take me there. Heck, just a camping trip with, going somewhere to be alone. My husband never felt the need to try and make the extra money or to save what he had to me places. And now that I am going to be alone, there deffinately will not be enough money to do these things. Between just trying to make ends meet on what I earn and then trying to put my kids thru college, I will never have a life for myself. But I suppose I could not even consider trading my kids for a different life.
I just wish I knew what it felt like to be truely treasured by a man. To have a man in my life that lives for me. And to want to live for that man. To have a man that wants to share his life with me and all his dreams. And a man that wants to live his life trying to help me realize and live my mine. How about just being concerned that I drive a decent car. That I am home and safe. Mine never seemed to worried about me. He always said it was because I could take care of myself. Maybe so, but it is nice to know that a person cares enough to worry...
It was a good day. I don't seem to have too many of those lately. Schellie and I have fun together. We sit and talk on our buses regularly. We have both been thru a lot of pain in the past few years and can understand when the other has a bad day. Altho it seems her life is going fairly well right now, other than the stress of trying to stop smoking, she seems to be doing well.
Maybe someday I will find some real happiness. With someone that cares about my feelings, my heart. I know that sounds selfish, but I have never had that...and I just want to feel it...just once. To feel what it must be like to be held by a man that truely loves me.
|Thursday, February 27th, 2003|
This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with an Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man".
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican then began screaming: "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
"Ed Zachary Disease"
ED ZACHARY DISEASE
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese
sex therapist, Dr. Chang, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery,reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did..
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your butt."
Ireland Declares War On Saddam
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when
his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Patrick down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well, Patrick," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Patrick, after a moment's calculation, "There is me self, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you Patrick, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Patrick. "I'll have to ring ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Patrick called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Patrick?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Patrick, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Patrick. "I'll have to get back to ya."
Sure enough, Patrick rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns, and four lads from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Patrick, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Patrick, "I'll have to ring ya back."
Sure enough, Patrick called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Patrick, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch o' pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
Don't Wait Until It Is Too Late
I recieved this from a friend this morning. It means a lot to me because I have lived most of my life for others, trying to live up to their expectations, always making them happy. Outside of my kids and dogs, I have found little happiness and a lot of disappointment. Maybe it is time to live a little more for myself.
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because
they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't
know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who
passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.
From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't
suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does
the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while
you watched 'Jeopardy' on television? I cannot count the times I called
my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would
gasp and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is
dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks
ike rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few
years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule
our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves
when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie
We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a
second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter,
and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we
awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going
to", "I plan on" , and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to
adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas.
Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five
minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of
Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's
just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula
and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car
and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way
home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to...... not
something on your SHOULD DO list.
If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could
make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to
the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic
flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply? When the day is
done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running
through your head?
Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not
see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"? When
you worry and hurry through your day, It is like an unopened
gift....Thrown away... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the
music before the song is over.
|Wednesday, February 26th, 2003|
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly
Gates by St. Peter. He says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that
I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.... "No sister, this says
'Sahara Pipeline' was laid by 1,900 men in 6 months."
|Tuesday, February 25th, 2003|
When Loving You is Wrong...But I Want It To Be Right
My last entry came from a book I bought yesterday. I had taken my 16 year old daughter and her friend to the mall for a few hours. Of course I knew better than to even consider going into the mall with them, what me? Cramp their style? No way!
So instead I ventured across the road to another line of many stores. I shopped in Kohls, Marshalls and The Family Christian Book Store. I like that last store. I didn't go in there looking for anything in particular, just looking. I go in there all the time in that manner, but usually and pulled into buying something. Not by a store employee, no rather by a feeling, a need for something that just sort of jumps off the shelf at me. Yesterday was no different. I walked by the shelf that book was on and it seemed to reach out and tap me on the shoulder. I just had to pick it up and thumb thru it. It was called, "When Loving You Is Wrong, But I Want It To Be Right."
I found it interesting, but put it back. Some of what I was seeing in my glance thru it was all too personal, hit all too close to home emotionally. I continued to wander thru the store. Not finding anything else I felt the need to buy, but was pulled back over and over to that one book. I finally decided I was being sent a strong message and had to buy it. And it was on the clearence rack! Being a little short of cash right now, well, I don't think that was any coincidence. I spent a lot time last night reading it. Read thru the first few chapters, then found myself just going thru other chapters a little and reading. That is when I found that part on Apple and Oranges. I think the part that hit me the hardest was the part about "him". Really.....it is in the first chapter. And then some of the begining of our relationship back in August is in there as well....
The first chapter, "Forbidden Relationships" and the first book in this chapter: "First the Bait, then the Bite" It discussed the first forbidden relationship that took place thousands of years ago between Satan and Eve. Satan set out to ruin Eve. "As a maneuvering serpent, he was slick, seductive, quick-witted, smooth-talking, cunning, quietly aggressive, and probably very good-looking. He embodied and offered to Eve, the original woman, all of the traits and characteristics women find attractive in men today. This silver-tongued Devil presented himself to Eve as a bold yet subtle rival to her husband, perhaps even acting in complete contrast to Adam in terms of his worldly knowledge, effervescent charm, wealth of compliments, and sophisticated diologue. the Serpent was so successfully subtle that Eve failed to detect that he was a snake!"
Satan is of course very good at "enticing unstable souls." (2 Peter 2:14)
A summery of the chapter. "It was in a forbidden relationship that the Serpent planted in Eve a corrupt seed of desire. The seed was watered by illicit conversation. He gained her confidence. She let her hair down. He moved into her emotional closet. Her inner conscience was seared. And then came the inevitable harvest-sin."
That chapter really shook me. I mean, I don't believe at all that this man set out to destroy me, to hurt me intentionally. I have little doubt after last tuesday night that he cares deeply for me and my feelings. And I believe that he is struggling with his feelings. But I do believe that Satan saw two people struggling in their lives, lonely and in need of love. Even if it was the wrong love. Satan took advantage of us both. The man is most that is described above. Seductive, quick-witted, smooth-talking, quietly aggressive, and very good-looking. I would not call him "slick" or "cunning" but deffinately very handsome.
The next chapter is called "Location, Location, Location". It uses King David as an example, and the story of Bathsheba, wife of Uriah. Interesting enough a conversation reguarding King David and Bathsheba came up in the discussions between "him" and I before our affair really got going. He is sure I misunderstood this conversation. But I did not. It was explained to me, as I was not as familiar with the story, that King David did not really meet his eternal death due to the adultery as much as due to the murder of Uriah. This man is very well read on the Bible, was able to discuss it openly and well. Satan knew exactly what he was doing and who he was messing with. It is unfortunate that we were both so blinded by what we needed and wanted, what we were seeing and out mutual attraction that was being used against us.
So far this is an interesting book. I am not really interested in the chapters about how to nurture and maintain the marriage, tried all that it has to say before. It has not worked and I do not intend to try anymore. I have worked on my marriage for over 10 years of a 21 year marriage, I am tired, I need to move on in my life. I deserve to be loved and cared for. I have a lot of love to give. And a lot of room in my heart to include a special man, one that appreciates me and can put me before himself as I would put him before myself. Am I dreaming? I sure hope not. I hope he is out there.
But I still hope to rebuild a struggling friendship. I am sure God is happy that the affair has ended, but I do not believe he lacks compassion so much that he would expect us to completely walk away from each other, just learn to control our desires. I hope it will be ok. He holds a very special place in my heart. And I will always love him.
Men are Apples/Woman are Oranges
Men are Apples...
From the book, "When Loving You Is Wrong...But I Want It To Be Right."
"Let us say that a man is an apple. A careful comparison to this fruit is one of the greatest ways to explain males. If you think about it, similar to a typical man, an apple boasts great things about itself on the outside; it is shiny, perhaps even a bit flashy with it's vibrant color; it is tough and smooth at the same time; and overall it looks good, even if it happens to have a few rough spots here and there. Of course, there are plenty of bad apples to be found, as well-apples that appear to be good for food but actually turn out to be full of empty holes, slimy worms, and rotting decay!"
"Nevertheless, the quality of an apple's outer surface has a lot to do with it's primary function. Covering the apple is the skin, which is most essential. Science tells us that the skin of an apple contains most of the vitamins and nutritients that make it healthy for the consumer. Nutrition, however, is not the entire purpose for the skin. The skin as actually on the apple to cover and protect the meat, or flesh, of the fruit."
"The flesh of the apple provides nourishment. By it the thirst is quenched and the appetite satisfied. Even so, this is not the true purpose of the apple's flesh. The fact of the matter is that the meat of the apple is really there to cover the apple's core. And the core, which offers structure to the fruit, also has an underlying, more significant purpose: it houses the seed. So, the role of the skin is to cover the meat, the role of the meat is to cover the core, and the role of the core is to cover the seed."
"Thus, a man is an apple in that the entire multilayered quality of apples represents the mail role and duty of males-to cover. In the eyes of God, the primary purpose of a man in a committed relationship is to provide a covering and protection for the women in his life. "
Women are Oranges....
From the Book: "When Loving You Is Wrong...But I Want It To Be Right"
Fruitfully speaking, if a man is an apple, then a woman is an orange. Pleasent to look at, sweet, and fragrant, the female orange is impressionable, tender, and soft to the touch in a way that the male apple is not. Like the apple, the orange also has skin, but unlike him, the rind of an orange is not where the majority of her vitamins and nutrients are found. In order to get to the good of an orange, this fruit must first be peeled."
"Before we start "peeling" the women however, there are a few things that must be pointed out about her. First, you cannot hold and touch the orange without picking up her scent. There is no way of escaping the fact that, if you touch her, you will smell like her. She simply has a way of rubbing off on you. And the more you touch her, stroke her, hold her, and caress her, the more she releases her scent. Tragically, too many men are locked into the scents of women who do not belong to them!"
"What are the things that cause a women to release her scent? There are plenty of them. For example, when she is fulfilled, she releases a scent. The scent she releases says, "I have need of nothing." When she is of high esteem, she releases a scent. The scent seh releases says, "I am women of virtue and worth." When she is held and caressed, she releases as scent. The scent she releases says, "I am loved." Indeed, men are motivated by and seek after the scents of women, but if a man mishandles his women, she releases an acidic, neutralizing aroman that says, "Get away from me, you skunk!"
"While the orange is being stroked and handled on the outside and her scent is filtering into the atmostphere, her juices are flowing and being stirred on the inside. The way to get to these juices, and the entire depth and substance of a woman, is to peel her. Before you get the wrong idea, undressing her is not what I am referring to at all. In fact, that will just cause her to try to cover herself up tightly and hide her real self from you."
"Conversation is one of the primary tools that peel a women. A woman can meet a man and consider him desirable because he has a decent job, drives a nice car, or is good-looking. However, if the women herself has any depth at all, she will soon tire of that man if he cannot converse or freely communicate with her!"
"Through a man's conversation with her, a woman will begin to reveal secrets and truths about herself. The process of pulling back the peel of a choice orange is not always easy. It takes time to peel a good women. In fact, if you peel her too fast, she will probably sting you with her acidic juices! On the other hand, if you talk to her openly and honestly, encourage her with your understanding, and knead her gently, it will not be long before you get to see just what mysteries lie beneath her pretty surface."
"Once the orange is peeled, you do have to option of simply going ahead and devouring it-except that in doing so, you would be making a grave mistake. Another thin layer on the surface of the orange must be removed in order to get down to the bare emotions of the women being delt with. It is at this point in the peeling process that a man begins to touch the center, or heart, of his orange. At the pulling back of that last, lingering film of skin, a man begins to uncover his lady's hurts and pains-the unsightly deep bruises from past relationships, the natural defenses and guardedness she has constructed as protective measures against the storms of life, and the scars from fateful advances and seductions of men who meant her no good!"
"A female is amazing, yet at the same time, she is a maze. Be warned, then, that she is not as easily exited as she is entered! This means that a man ought to proceed with carefullness, caution, and certainty when lifting that final, ultrafine layer."
"When peeling your women, men, you want to speak lovinly to them, assuring them that you will not take them through the same treacherous routes of romance that other men have. Not only that, but it also is imperative that you take your time, after having completed the peeling process, to do some serious cutting away of the waste that previous unforbidden fruits in your lady's life have left behind. Don't be in such a hurry to consume your orange that you forget to clean out the lingering residue of other men who got to her before you came along. Without a doubt, you want your woman to know that you will love her, provide for her, and treat her with the adoration and respect that the others could not or would not provide."
"The sad, unfortunate reality is that too many women in Christianity (not to mention those abiding outside Christ) have been emotionally raped by the various men in their lives. Hurriedly peeled and eaten too soon, these women were plucked from the trees of their potential and destiny while they were not yet ripe. On the other hand, if they were ready to be picked, more often than not the men who chose them did not know how to select the proper orange to fit their own tastes, or they did not know how to properly love and appreciate the orange's fruit. Insensitive, inexperienced, and unskilled, these men removed the delicate skins of their women, opened them up, and exploited their innocence and tenderness. In doing so, they tore their flesh. Instead of respecting and enjoying their female friuts with reserve, they greedily, selfishly, ravished them! They devoured the flesh of their oranges with the boorishness of a barbarian instead of savoring their oranges' tastes and textures and aromas with the sensitivity of a gourmet."
"Once a man has peeled back that final layer of his lady, nevertheless, if he is not in too much of a hurry to consumer her, he will notice that there is a slight doorway by which he can actually open her up. And once he has exposed her center, he will see that there are several sections to his women. The orange is not like the apple, who is only one piece; she has several divisions or compartments. If a woman is to become his, a man must go through the process of picking her off the tree, cleaning her up, peeling her outer skin, peeling her inner skin, getting rid of the residue below her skin, and opening up all of the sections within her. Only after this extremely intense process and careful handling will he be able to experience and know his orange fully, and become a significant, inseperable part of her."
"Speaking of the apple, when you deal with a man, ladies, realize that there is not way in the world for you to peel him-certainly not with your hands, anyway. The only way to get on the inside of an apple is to bite him or cut him somehow! But notice that when you do cut into the apple, he has no sections. You will find only layers of flesh, core, and seeds."
"It is important to note that the apple's particular constitution makes it relatively easy for an insect of some sort to enter him while he is not yet ripe and to actually feed on his flesh until he is consumed from the inside out! So, ladies, to get to know your apple you have to go through the process of assessing his exterior, selecting him, and bringing him home to become a part of your life. Then, when you finally get around to biting into him or cutting him open, you just may discover that he is only a shell of attractiveness. What appeared to be delectable on the outside may prove to be only skin-deep, because on the inside, he may be nothing but worms and rottenness!"
"A female is not like this, however. There simply is no way that a worm can live inside her. She has acidic chemicals from her extrinsic rind to her private center that burn and consume any infectious material that may try to enter and contaminate her. Even when the men of her past have wounded, scared, and left her with their filthy residue, she is often yet salvageable. There is usually some bit of sweetness to be found somewhere in her."
|Sunday, February 23rd, 2003|
A Friend sent this to me. I think it is nice to have. Thought I would share it all with you too. I am sure there are things in here that everyone can find helpful. There are many for me. I will keep a copy of it in my bible.
Alternate numbers to 911
>When in sorrow, ........................ call John 14.
(this is all the time anymore.)
>When men fail you, ..................... call Psalm 27.
(Yeah, know this one all too well.)
>If you want to be fruitful, ............ call John 15.
>When you have sinned, .................. call Psalm 51.
(I didn't know how to stop it.)
>When you worry, ........................ call Matthew 6:19-34. (this is a continual thing for me with the one's I love.)
>When you are in danger, ................ call Psalm 91.
>When God seems far away, ............... call Psalm 139.
(even wondering if God wants me anymore.)
>When your faith needs stirring, ........ call Hebrews 11.
>When you are lonely and fearful, ....... call Psalm 23.
(Lonely all the time now.)
>When you grow bitter and critical,...... call I Corinthians 13.(does this count if I am bitter and critical of myself too?)
>For Paul's secret to happiness,......... call Colossians 3:12-17.
>For understanding of Christianity, ..... call II Corinthians
>5:15-19.(I don't understand this at all. What I thought was the way to treat other people as a christian is not the way I am being treated at all.)
>When you feel down and out, ............ call Romans 8:31.
>When you want peace and rest, .......... call Matthew 11:25-30. (I need peace and rest. From my own dislike of myself.)
>When the world seems bigger than God, .. call Psalm 90.
>When you want Christian assurance, ..... call Romans 8:1-30.
>When you leave home for labor or travel, call Psalm 121.
>When your prayers grow narrow or selfish, call Psalm 67.
(I know someone that needs help in this area)
>For a great invention/opportunity, ..... call Isaiah 55.
>When you want courage for a task, ...... call Joshua 1.
(I need to face a task that I am afraid to do.)
>For how to get along with fellow men, .. call Romans 12.
>When you think of investments and returns, call Mark 10.
>If you are depressed, .................. call Psalm 27.
(I didn't used to be this depressed, But it seems that my life has been turned upside down and I have been left to deal with it alone.)
>If your pocketbook is empty, ........... call Psalm 37.
(yeah, it is usually empty.)
>If you are losing confidence in people,. call I Corinthians 13.(I find it is hard to trust anymore. Are the feelings and friendship real? Or is it for personal gain?)
>If people seem unkind, ................. call John 15.
(is being cut off from someone you care about being unkind? I think so.)
>If discouraged about your work, ........ call Psalm 126.
(constantly, I work for dishonest, selfish, evil people)
>If you find the world growing small and yourself great, call Psalm 19
>For dealing with fear, ................ call Psalm 34:7.
>For security, .......................... call Psalm 121:3.(I felt security recently, when I actually felt loved for the first time in..years, but that was yanked out from under me too.)
>For assurance, ......................... call Mark 8:35.
>For reassurance, ....................... call Psalm 145:18.
>Emergency numbers may be dialed direct. No operator assistance is
>All lines to Heaven are open 24 hours a day. Feed your faith, and doubt
>will starve to death.
|Friday, February 21st, 2003|
For The Love of The Computer
> > For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
> > computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
> > (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
> > auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the
> > computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got
> > 1,000 miles to the gallon".
> > In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
> > stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
> > driving cars with the following characteristics:
> > 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
> > 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
> > buy a new car.
> > 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
> > would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
> > windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
> > you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
> > 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
> > your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
> > have to reinstall the engine.
> > 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
> > reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run
> > on only five percent of the roads.
> > 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
> > be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
> > warning light.
> > 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
> > 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
> > and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
> > handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
> > 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
> > how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
> > in the same manner as the old car.
> > 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
|Thursday, February 13th, 2003|
> > To realize the value of ten years:
> > Ask a newly divorced couple.
> > To realize the value of four years:
> > Ask a graduate.
> > To realize the value of one year:
> > Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
> > To realize the value of nine months:
> > Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
> > To realize the value of one month:
> > Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
> > To realize the value of one week:
> > Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
> > To realize the value of one hour:
> > Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
> > To realize the value of one minute:
> > Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
> > To realize the value of one-second:
> > Ask a person who has survived an accident.
> > To realize the value of one millisecond:
> > Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics
> > Time waits for no one.
> > Treasure every moment you have.
> > You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone
> > To realize the value of a friend:
> > Lose one.
|Monday, February 10th, 2003|
In Memory Of....
For all dog lovers everywhere...
I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see the you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you so softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was cloe to you at breakfast, I watched you pour your tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said, "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over...I smile and watch you yawning
and say "goodnight, God Bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief devide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.
|Sunday, February 9th, 2003|
Should I Open That Door? Again!
I ran into an old "friend" today. A man I knew in high school. We knew each other in high school but didn't run in the same crowd. In fact I would have wondered if he even knew I was alive back then. He ran in the more "high society" crowd then. I was just a little
"farm girl". Not that I lived on a farm, but I did have the horse and ran with that crowd of people, the "horsey types". Spent most of our time out in the woods together riding.
But amazingly, it was him that recognized me, even called me by name. I must admit, I must have been the snob, because it took me a second to decide who he was. He was a good looking young man in high school, but an even better looking 42 year old man now. (I am guessing at the age, as he was 2 grades ahead of me then, it has to be close.)
We spoke of high school days. What we have been doing since graduation. He has been divorced for about 4 years. Has a couple of kids, but they are both over 18.
Lives a little south of me, in a town called Northville.
Not bad, must be doing well, it is a fairly expensive area to buy a home in. We discussed out jobs and he sounded happy. I hope I did too. Altho it can sometimes be difficult to pretend.
He asked me if we could stay in touch. I must have hesitated in my answer, he just said it was ok if I didn't want to. I told him it was ok, it would be nice to talk. He gave me his email addy and cell phone #, told me not to give him mine, that if I wanted us to stay in touch, it would be totally up to me at this point. He did not want to push me. But mentioned that he thought it would be nice to catch up and maybe have dinner or go to a movie or concert sometime.
Wow! A real date? Maybe? But I don't know. I am having a difficult time convincing myself that I will not get hurt again. Is this guy for real? Will I learn to love him, his smile, laugh, sense of humor and then be left in the cold again? I think I am too afraid. He seems so sincere. So nice. The ball is in my court. What do I do?
I guess I can open the door, email him, see where that goes. I don't want to appear cold, uninterested. I am interested. Just a little shy about trusting his feelings and my own. Are his feelings real? Or will I be hurt again? And am I ready for intimacy with a man again? I am not sure I am. What I was enjoying before was so good that I am not sure I care to set myself up again. To keep hoping for him to share in my desires as much as I do, but to be left with the feeling it was for the mere thrill, nothing more. That hurts.
As the old saying goes, "Once bitten, twice shy." it is so true. And I was bitten more than once. So I am really shy. Or do I "Love like I have never been hurt"?
Left Out Of Them All
Unable to sleep again. I guess I should get out of bed earlier tomorrow morning, whether I want to or not. Otherwise I will not sleep tomorrow night either.
I spent a lot of the day with my friend Kathy. She hopefully will return to work on Tuesday. It all depends on what her cancer doctor says at her appointment on Monday. She really wants to come back to work. She will deffinately be in my prayers.
We went to lunch at a nice chinese buffett near the mall. I like that place. Then into a few stores. Kohls for one. Didn't really have any money to spend, but the time spent together was priceless. We had a good time.
I found myself wandering thru the store noticing all of the things being sold just for the approaching holiday. And I also spent some of my evening sitting around on the couch looking thru sale ads for the coming week. They too were full of ads for Valentines day. Flowers, plants, clothes, jewelry. I kept thinking to myself, "do people really buy this stuff?" You see, Valentines day has not been anything special in our house ever. Like all of the other holidays, they come and go with no ceremony. Oh sure, I have tried to teach my kids that all holidays are special in one way or another-to somebody. My son usually has a girlfriend. So on Sweetest Day, Valentines Day, or any other holiday, I always have helped him to do something special for her. He has learned well. He loves to take flowers to a girl. And already has something small for his current girlfriend for Valentines Day.
I think it would be nice to have a man in my life that likes doing nice things for me on Valentines Day. (or any other day, be it a holiday or not.) Just once I would like to wake up to breakfast in bed or being taken out to do something special just because he cares. I have never received jewelry as a gift for Sweetest Day, Valentines Day, or even Christmas or my birthday. Or how about Mother's Day?
It really hurts to sit around work with my friends and other co workers and listen to them bragging about the wonderful things their husbands or boyfriends are doing for them. To see them showing off thier jewelry. Last year, one of the girls got a brand new car on her birthday. Now that is exciting! My days are all the same, holidays or not.
So as next Friday approaches, I think of the fact that once again, I have no one to do anything special for me. I will receive no flowers, no jewelry, nothing. Of course, the husband is away and we are in the middle of a divorce. But even if we were not and he were home, there would be nothing. I am tired of being "nothing".
I want to be special. I want to think there is someone out there that thinks of me when we are apart. Someone that likes doing things for me. Surprizing me with that something that he knows I will love. Heck, at this point in my life, it wouldn't matter what it was, just the fact that he thought of me.
I was blessed with the natural desire to do things for other people. I find myself walking thru stores, flea markets, antique shops, and always seeing things and thinking, "oh, so-and-so would love that." And if I can, I will even buy it for that person. The true pleasure in it is seeing their faces as they receive whatever it is I have for them. Whenever I bake cookies, I always make an extra several dozen and take them to the bus garage for the mechanics. They work pretty hard out there and even go into work early to start our buses when it is really, really cold. It is so nice to see them enjoying the cookies. And this coming Valentines Day, I have collected some money from some of Kathy's friends and we have hired one of the better barbershop quartets I know to come to the bus garage to deliver a singing Valentine to Kathy. They will be in tuxedos and bring her a rose and card from all of us. She has been thru a lot over the years and she deserves this. She may kill us all later, but she will feel special.
I will always love doing for others. I guess I am just tired of feeling forgotten. How holidays come and go and I am left out of them all.
|Thursday, February 6th, 2003|
Worry and Compassion
Worry and Compassion 2/6/2003
Well, today is the day. "He" is having surgery on his heart today. For his problem, the one that makes his heart race so fast sometimes. It is fairly unevasive surgery, but scary all the same. (I am sure to most men, any surgery that requires the doctor to enter the body thru the groin into an artery is fairly evasive tho.)
I asked him last week if he would call me when he was feeling up to it to let me know how he was doing. He acted shocked, like why did I think he would think about calling me! Especially after an 8 hour proceedure. I didn't ask him to call me as soon as he woke up. Just when he was up to it. Otherwise I would be waiting all weekend and then some to know.
It sure is hard to understand how anyone can be so loving, so compassionate towards you. Then just suddenly feel none of that. Show you none. Of course I want to know how he is doing. I care about him, I love him. I am his friend. I know there are those out there that will say he certainly does not deserve my friendship. But you cannot control who you love or care about. That is why it happens all of the time that men and women can be abused by someone and still love that person. Still want to protect them. No matter what they do.
So my prayers continue tonight for him. I hope he is doing well. And that he recuperates well. I did send him a get well card in the mail. I am the Sunshine person for the chorus. I send out b'day cards, get well cards, ect. He should get it tonight when he gets home or tomorrow. I hope he thinks of me. I miss his smile.
He has a beautiful smile and a silly giggle.
The Train Man Chugs on Thru My Heart.....
Hmmm, I suppose it is good I tried. It didn't all go bad. I just find it funny, when I am told that it is a problem that I continue to try to pull him back into a close relationship, like we had before, then why is it he will vent to me about things I don't think he will vent to others about? Like other chorus members that are not as dedicated as he is? I don't know. But I have tried. And I am not a quiter. Not on anyone. Or anything.
We had a nice time going over my train and antique barbershop stuff I had aquired recently, and he sure didn't mind taking some of them when I offered them for his train room. Seemed rather pleased with them. Especially liked my Railroad Signal Lantern that I had put electric to. Altho we had no where to plug it in, it isn't hard to imagine it lit. I told him that it is mine!
I wish I had sent it home with him last night. After his surgery he could turn it on and see it while he recuperates.
I had felt the need to pray with him. But he was a bit concerned over that. I still do not understand why. And the thought crosses my mind, for someone so concerned about judgement day, how could he turn away someone that wishes to and asks to pray with him? He may hear about that someday too. I was upset with him, it has made it clear that we cannot be close. No long talks. I was not asking for long talks, just compassion, an interest in my life from time to time would be nice. And keep me up a little on other things in his life that he has included me in for all this time. I have no idea what will happen in the future. He seems ok with the "friendship", if you can call it that so long as it is just around practice and the guys.
My concern is, for someone that is so concerned about appearences, not sending up any red flags to anyone that might figure out our past. He is doing a fine job of shooting those red flags up all by himself. It used to be that we would allow my son to go to the bar ahead of us so we could ride there together. We got to where it was not at all unusual for us to shoot a game or two of pool before going home. And for us to sit around to talk. But now, all anyone sees is us at the same table at the bar, sharing cashews from time to time. The occassional shared laugh. I have already had two people ask me if everything is ok between he and I. Heck they are not stupid, they could see the closeness of the friendship. I don't think that they ever thought that it was anything else. Now they might start to wonder. Especially now. I feel that driving 45 miles one way each tuesday night to have my feelings hurt is too much. I have so much pain in my life already. I hate going down there now and being treated as a mere aquaintence when we were so much more. When all I am asking for is for him to take a little responsibility for his actions with me. He is the one that caused some of my instablity.
It is just frustrating, and very hurtful. I am supposed to go from feeling like a best friend to...well nothing.
If I ever walked away feeling used and like a slut, it was last night. It just doesn't seem to matter what we shared, he does not feel we can be close friends. I hope this does not backfire in his face. I have tried and tried to protect his reputation, but he keeps messing it all up.
So I will give him the "respectable distance" he feels he needs. If I have to I will stop attending practice all together. Those there that are my friends will stay in touch and we will see each other. I just hope they don't lose my son in the process. It would be a shame if his inability to deal with his own actions in a more humane manner could cost the chorus a strong lead not to mention a huge booster member. Someone that loves them all so much.
Reguardles of all of this, I will always be his friend and will always care about him. I will just have to give him his distance. It will hurt me, but I guess we always sacrifice for those we love right?
And so the Train Man chugs on right thru my heart again
and again and again. I know I am a fool, but I made a promise to be a friend. And I do not break my promises.
|Tuesday, February 4th, 2003|
Apprehension and Prayer
Well, it is snowing, blowing and down right chilly out there today. Funny how a gray 30 degrees can actually feel colder than a sunny 15 degrees. The wind today is really blowing hard, it isn't helping at all.
Well, tonight I am hoping to talk to him. I feel I owe it to myself to tell him how I feel. How much he is hurting me by cutting me out of his life. I need to know. Sometimes when we are together he treats me like I am still his best friend, joking around, laughing, teasing me, sharing personal stuff. Then the next thing you know he is treating me like a mere aquaintence. Surprised that I would hope he would call me to let me know he is ok after his surgery. Of course I want to know! Otherwise am I to have to sit and worry about him all weekend long and thru Tuesday when he returns to practice? That is not right.
I have been being told all week since I found out about the surgery that I need to sit him down and pray with him. Just a quiet suggestion in the back of my mind. I keep hearing it tho, over and over. I will ask him to sit in the sanctuary after practice with me tonight for a few minutes to pray together. I am concerned about the surgery in general. But I also want to pray with him that he will gain the strength and courage it will take for him to seek out his oldest son, to put his arms around him and tell him how much he loves him, reguardless of the things the boy has done. He still loves him. If he can tell me he loves the boy, he can tell the boy too. I know he wants to rebuild the lost relationship with this young man. And I am afraid if he waits too long, it could be too late. Who knows, it could already be too late. But it will take the dad to open the door, even if it means that he will have to step out of his comfort zone, admit his own fault in the hurt and express his feelings both physically and verbally. And what better time to do it then before Thursday and the surgery? And he needs to do it then anyway. He should tell everyone he loves before that surgery that he loves them. So tonight I will try to get him to sit with me, I am sure he will. If I accomplish only that tonight, it will not be a lost night. I also have some railroad items I have aquired for him for his Train Room.
Well, time for lunch and to get busy around here. So much to accomplish and so little time. Wish me luck. I am hoping that tonight will be a step in the right direction for our friendship to start to heal and reblossom into the wonderful friendship it used to be. But I can only try. If I don't try or stop trying, I will never forgive myself. I would also not be the friend I profess to be. Constant, Loyal, Loving and with continual concern for his well being and happiness.
|Monday, February 3rd, 2003|
Me Passive? Like Hell I Am Passive!
Since when have I ever been a Passive person? I have never been a Passive person. I have always stood up for myself, what I believe in. I have never allowed anyone to push me around before, so why do I let it happen now?
It is time to stand up to this unfair emotional abuse I have been dealing with. I didn't go looking for this man. He just kinda was there. Sure I was attracted, but it was his persistance in persuing me that won me over. My need for how I felt when I was with him, when he was making me feel special. He offered me a friendship. I trusted him. I believed him when he treated me like I was his best friend. And he may have said he didn't want to mislead me, but he did. His actions spoke loudly to me. That he wanted to be around me, with me. That he cared. Even that he loved me. He treated me like I was important to him.
Then when things became a little complicated, either because of my feelings for him, or maybe because of his feelings for me, he turns his back on me. Again the whole relationship seems to be "all about him". No concern at all about my feelings. Selfish and Self Absourbed.
He said I appeared to be "lost" and "unstable". As if he had no idea why I would be that way. Did it never cross his mind that MAYBE it had something to do with the way he left me confused from day to day. I was his girlfriend one day and not the next. I had no idea how to act. What to expect. Did he not feel any responsibility for HIS actions and how they had affected my emotional state of mind?
And what about that excuse that, I was always there and available to him. Whenever he wanted me he could have me. So what?! Isn't that what he wanted in the first place? That is like being on a diet, walking into someone's house, seeing a bowl of candy on the table and eating some of the candy. Then blaming the homeowner for you going off your diet. If the candy had not been made available you would not have cheated on your diet?! WHAT?!! Where is the will power? Does a person not have a responsibility to control their own desires? It is not my fault he kept wanting me.
Each and everytime he would break up with me and wish to remain just friends, I honored that request and then would be "just friends." It was always him that would reinitiate the sex, not me. It was always him.
Ok, so I give him credit for knowing he has a problem, knowing he has a will power issue. But I have to be punished for this? By losing my best friend? No longer having him around to listen to my problems, to offer the great advice he used to give me that could help me thru those problems. Or how about being pulled into his life, him sharing all he did about his sorrow over his son, his concerns about his heart. Now I have to just forget all of this and be left out of his life completely.
It does not seem fair. And I am going to have to confront him on it. I owe it to myself to tell him how I feel. I was exactly the kind of friend he wanted me to be. His best friend, with benefits. I can't help it if he is so appealing to me. That I love him. I love all of my friends. Some a little more than others, but I love them all. And his shutting me out is hurting me terribly. And if the friendship is going to survive I have to be honest with him, and if it is NOT going to survive, I still have to be honest.
So I am putting the Passive attitude back in the closet. I am no longer a push over for him. He had better look out. I accepted his friendship in good faith, trusting him, and I offered him my friendship and trusted he would take care of that friendship and appreciate it. Now I am calling in my marker. He will not get off this easily. And if he is sad over all of this, suffering in any way, I want to know.
|Sunday, February 2nd, 2003|
Sitting here this morning. Just doing a lot of thinking. Like, do I invite him to read the new diary? I do want him to. But will he? I sent him an email the other night when I was really down, really sad and there has been no response. At one time, he would have responded with some sort of encouraging email or a follow up phone call the next day to check on me. I sure miss his concern. His compassion. I think I need to confront him, but I am afraid to. Afraid of pushing him further and further away. But our friendship was always based on saying what was on our minds. Being completely open. I feel as if I owe it to myself to tell him exactly what I am thinking. That he has hurt me so much with this treating me like I am not his friend anymore. It is not fair to ignor me. He led me to believe so much about him, that he was unhappy and needed me. That he has taken me from a state of depression and loneliness last summer to a more happier time, most of the time. That reguardless if we were being sexual or not, he was still my friend, willing to listen and adivize me, to be there to hold my hand and lend a strong shoulder. Then he drops me off in an even deeper state of depression, loneliness and desperation. He may not want to be my lover anymore, but I still need the friend. And if he cannot be the friend, then I want to tell him how I feel. If I have to suffer with this in my heart, this loss and hurt, then he needs to know. I do not want him to walk away with no idea of the pain he has caused. I am sure he is awear of the fact that he has hurt me, but I don't think he knows how deep the hurt goes.
I found myself searching thru personal adds last night, don't worry, I have no intentions of contacting anyone in them. But the thought crossed my mind. There are a lot of lonely people out there. Looking for someone to spend their time with, someone to do special things with. Some sounded so tempting. But I am afraid. So I will not do that. I just don't want to be lonely anymore. Except for the months I spent with him as my friend and lover, I have been lonely for over 10 years. And it hurts so much. I just don't think I can handle being lonely much longer. I need someone to care for me and love me.
|Saturday, February 1st, 2003|
Things Look So Beautiful Outside...
I wish they looked as beautiful inside. Outside it finally quit snowing. Not like we got tons of snow or anything. But a good 3 inches or so. And everything has a layer of snow on it. All of the tree limbs, fences, wires, cars, ect. It is quite beautiful. Takes me back to wishing that I still had my horse to ride again. Kinda like how I was feeling last night while the snow was falling. He loves horses too. I used to think us going riding together. He grew up with horses. Like I did. I know we would have a wonderful time.
Daugther will be up soon to get ready for work. I woke up and could not go back to sleep. Dogs wanted out and to be fed. I want to be fed too, but there is no one to make me breakfast, so I guess I will have to do it myself. Not that anyone ever did. But it would be nice to have someone special around to make me breakfast in bed. You know, no one has ever done that for me....
I have been trying and trying to add an entry to my FOD's second diary, but it will not accept an entry. Strange because I have no troubles at all adding to my first FOD diary. Just the second. It is frustrating.
Well, I should get off this puter and eat before I end up with a headache. A headache like that will last all day. I don't want that. Today would be a good day to build a snowman or have a snowball fight. He likes to do that. At one time, I thought we would be able to enjoy that together. But I guess not.