| 6:01a |
Yes the sex is amazing...does he not really understand why that is? Does he not feel the connection? Does he not understand that his desires are my desires... his fantasies resonate in me. Does he not understand, they are not just games I play with him, because he wants to play, but because he has opened a door I must walk through? Does he not really understand how rare it must be to find someone who doesn't simply go along with you to be NICE, but is really in it with you, feels it with you? To find someone who awakens that deep hunger, that satisfies the craving you could never quite put your finger on?
I know he feels it...he just doesn't understand it. He is afraid of it. I can handle that. I just can't handle knowing every time we touch each others souls, he threatens to rip mine out. I am not asking for words of love, I just want him to not be afraid to show me what he has going on inside...I am not afraid of what it is he won't show me. I am only afraid, because he has chosen not to. I know he says the things that he thinks he should...starts in on all the reasons why this is wrong, but while that is part of what he is thinking I know there is more.
I am not asking anything from him. I am not asking him to leave the life he has built, the people he loves. I am only asking him to have a little faith...in us...in the magic! I know that is an oxymoron. I know what I am asking of him is unfair. I know what I really am asking him is to be a man he does not want to be. I know that is wrong, and for that I am sorry... sorry beyond words.
I have become that person, and although I don't mean to ask him join me in this hell, I seem to be doing just that. I guess I am the most selfish person of all time.
I don't mean to make excuses but what it comes down to, for me, is... I simply don't have a choice. I can't walk away. I am not able to let go of the magic. I would live with who I have become forever, to have moments with him...I don't have a choice. I trust the the magic. If that makes me an awful person, so be it. If he can walk away, then as much as I am afraid to even say it...he probably should. He either doesn't feel the magic, or he is too afraid to trust it! |