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Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
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9:17 pm
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Boo.
I'm still alive.
Just really, really busy.
So after a year of almost nothing coming my way, I have like, 20 million job interviews lately. Okay, slight exaggeration. But only slight, I promise. I got a trial for a hairdressing apprenticeship, an interview for woolworths, an interview for a card delivering job and.... dun, dun, dun, Bianca told me she'd almost gor permission from her boss to hire me.
Me = very excited.
I actually got the card job, which was cool at first. Until the guy turned out to be a real sleazebag. left that job after a day an a half of inappropriate touching.
Monday, Nicky came down for a visit. I took her to see Bianca, she got her tongue pierced (her lisp is hilarious) and............... I got the apprenticeship.
Feeling so, so, so damn happy.
Oh, did I mention? Cut all my hair off. From down to my arse, to being 2 inches long. I feel very, very free.
So... how are you all?
current mood:  happy
current music: "What a day for a day dream" - Lovin' Spoonful
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 5th, 2004
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11:53 am
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Spent the last week with my sister in Brisbane. She made me do work experience at her office. She works for Queensland rail, doing group bookings. It is boring. Not only that, it is... stifling. Every one has their own little cubicle. It's so closed off, so isolating. So un natural.
On Monday I had my first ever anxiety attack. I thought I was going to die. I felt like all the eyes of the world were on me and I could almost hear what they were thinking.
On Wednesday, I had a small breakdown. I lost the ability to move and when she told me that she couldn't send me home (her car is uninsured, Thus she doesn't feel safe with anyone else driving it.), I just started crying. It's strange, I'm not much of a crier, but I couldn't stop. All those people in that office around me wasn't enough preassure to stop me.
So I hid in the bathroom for two hours until we left. I didn't go back there either.
I don't know if it's the medication or some thing else. My dosage has been upped, it's making me feel strange.
On a lighter note, There is a book your should read. It is called My Life As A Side Effect, by Millissa Deitz. It is poetic, and truthful, at at time painful. But also increadibly comforting, enlightening and calming. Cathartic, in a way.
current mood:  tired
current music: "Links 2, 3, 4" - Rammstein
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, August 6th, 2004
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4:07 pm
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Woot. Just called the place. Bianca wasn't there, but the ohter Piercer was, and I spoke to him. He asked me if I was the girl with the tattoo. And I said I had a tattoo, and he described my tat, so Bianca has been talking about me! Hoorah, this can only be a good sign. He also said he'd been looking closely at my resume, and he said he would get her to give me a call.
I sense good things.
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(comment on this)
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1:32 pm
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Nothing much new. I am sadly all out of weed, just as my body decided to assault me with the worst of period pains. Throwing up, dizzy spells, cold sweats, hands shaking. Ugh, sometimes I despise being a woman.
Still pretty bad today, back hurts, but no throwing up. What's new with all of you? I'm quite boring. Haven't called Bianca yet for the job, intend on doing so later today. Really, really hope I get it.
I think that's all. Maybe I'll think of something thoughtful to post later.
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| Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
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2:24 pm
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Well yesterday was really freaking good. If I was not a believer in the world's chaos being able to fall beautifully into place, I sure as ( hell am now. )
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: "We're not gonna Take it" - Twisted Sister
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| Saturday, July 24th, 2004
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2:03 pm
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Bought and watched 'The Wasp Woman'. There is something about those 50's horror movies that I absolutely love.
We have been doing stocktake at work, which is a pain in the arse, because not only has Terry, the manager from hell been watching me like a hawk - despite the fact that I haven't done anything wrong - but the amount of work we can actually do is limited. 3 hours of trying too look busy with nothing to do is hard.
But the 14 hours is welcomed. I am aiming at getting a new tat, I will try and give y'all a pic - just also remembered that I didn't even give you a pic of the last one.
What else is new? Got my tagus pierced, got my lobes done again. The piercings grow and grow. I can still feel the effects of the Lexapro. How good I've felt lately is amazing. I make plans and follow through. Even my down times are markedly better.
Wow. This is a really long post for me. Guess I'll end it now. Have a nice day.
current mood: optimistic
current music: "Black Betty" - Spiderbait
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, July 12th, 2004
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11:38 pm
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Cutting, yet again... I don't know why. I don't feel down as such, nor up either. But there's something about the bleeding that just makes me feel better.
I am afraid. One day I know I will cut too deep, and I will die. And no one will come to my funeral because I did a fucking retarded thing
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004
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6:44 pm
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Dear Self:
Please, please, never attempt waxing your crotch ever again. You might be able to take doing your pesky sideburn, but that is a whole other ballpark. Of another game. In another city, in another country, in another freaking WORLD.
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| Friday, June 18th, 2004
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12:20 pm
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Long story made short.
I bought birds. They made me very, very happy. I loved them, cared for them, got up for them every morning.
They are now dead.
Everything in my life turns to shit.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 17th, 2004
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10:05 pm - Oh Sweet Irony...
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| Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
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12:23 pm
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| How to make a Innen |
Ingredients:
5 parts competetiveness
5 parts ambition
1 part empathy |
Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Serve with a slice of curiosity and a pinch of salt. Yum! |
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, May 22nd, 2004
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7:57 pm
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Many things in my head lately.
Lonliness... Desire to be with someone special, though I am increasingly starting to think that I will die the way I was born - alone.
The oblique desire to kill someone. Not a passionate hate, desire to see someone else in pain. Just... desire to take life. I do not know why.
Anger. I wish to cut, and have, but it's not enough. I am confined to my legs, my chest, the hidden parts of my body. I want to slash my wrists, my face, my neck, all over my body.
I need to find something to do tonight.
current mood:  restless
current music: "Knocking on Heaven's door" - Guns 'n' Roses
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 6th, 2004
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11:27 am
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Well.
Innen, meet Lexapro.
Lexapro, this is innen. You're going to make her stop crying and lying in bed all day.
And, so far so good. Felt a little ill when I started on it, but it's been 4 days, and that's mostly passed now. Have been feeling sleepier in the after noons, but nothing major.
But, when I woke up this morning I got up.
No lying around in a desire to remain asleep forever, but actually got up. And I feel awake. I don't remember the last time I felt like this. Maybe never.
It's a funny thing. My therapist said to me, when do you remember not having long bouts of depression.
Never. I was so prepared to accept this as my life. I guess I never really realised other people didn't feel this way. Never realised that when bad things happen to them, they don't think joyfully about death. Don't confine themselves to a room and just cry and binge on food.
Let's see what the new few weeks bring us.
current mood:  awake
current music: "more than words" - Extreme
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 18th, 2004
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5:14 pm
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I'm not sure I understand what is expected of me, socially. A girl I somewhat know's friend's sister died the other day. I don't know what to say to her. I just.... don't seem to have that information in my skull.
I know I should offer condolences... But that makes me uncomfortable. Why should I say it? I don't really mean it, I don't really feel it. It means nothing coming from me. Just empty words. Same with birthdays. I rarely say it even to those I consider good friends.
Empty words.
current mood: Wrong
current music: Theme for Hollywood Squares
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 17th, 2004
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10:57 pm
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Things that make me sad:
For Sale signs.
Really bright sunny days, looking at a pretty front garden.
Waking up.
Puppies.
Not being as imporant to someone as I thought I was.
Said person being too blind to realise how much he hurts me.
Being alone.
Being with my parents.
Music.
Sunrise.
Sunset.
Cutting.
School.
K-Mart
Looking in the mirror.
Things that make me happy:
Rain.
Lying in the sun.
Watching clouds change.
Stars.
Alcohol.
Music.
Puppies (Puppies are one of those strange things that give me both feelings at the same time)
Being alone.
Warm baths/showers/beds.
Sleeping.
current mood:  depressed
current music: "As the world falls down" - David Bowie
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
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11:58 am
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Doot doo doo....
Nothing interesting here, Really.
Worked last monday, the public holiday. 1 to 9pm, and there was 15% the entire store. Sooo... Busy. REALLY fucking busy. Why is it what when we have a sale all the arseholes come out? I get so sick of people chewing me out for something that isn't my fault.
People, be nice to your shop assistants. They probably hate working there and you're only making it worse by swearing at them.
But my store is SO unorganised. We lost - LOST - the cosmetic keys. Everyone who wanted to buy anything electronic, like a watch or a shaver, I had to says "sorry, but we've lost the keys and can't open the cabinet" to.
Ungh.
But, the money is good. The money is so, so good. With almost makes up for it, I guess.
Anyways. Going down to Lorne with some friends for a few days. Had to borrow money from mum until I get paid, because I'm poor and a bad keeper of money.
Shopping List:
Vodka.
Smokes.
Weed.
Orange juice.
current mood:  excited
current music: "My Band" - Eminem & D12
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, April 5th, 2004
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1:10 pm
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Stolen from  idiocide
Copy, and put X's in the one's you've done.
(X) HAVE BEEN DRUNK
(X) HAVE SMOKED POT
(X) HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
(X) HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(_) CRASHED A FRIEND'S CAR
(_) BEEN TO JAPAN
(X) RODE IN A TAXI
(X) HAD ANAL SEX
(_) HAVE BEEN IN LOVE
(X) HAD SEX
(_) HAVE HAD SEX IN PUBLIC
(X) HAVE BEEN DUMPED
(X) SHOPLIFTED
(X) HAVE BEEN FIRED
(_) BEEN IN A FIST FIGHT
(_) HAD A THREESOME
(X) SNUCK OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE
(X) BEEN TIED UP (SEXUALLY)
(X) BEEN CAUGHT MASTURBATING
(X) PISSED ON MYSELF (You try getting a severe urinary tract infection and try to control yourself >.< )
(_) HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(_) BEEN ARRESTED
(_) MADE OUT WITH A STRANGER
(X) STOLE SOMETHING FROM MY JOB
(_) CELEBRATED NEW YEARS IN TIME SQUARE
(_) BEEN ON A BLIND DATE
(X) LIED TO A FRIEND
(X) HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER
(_) CELEBRATED MARDI-GRAS IN NEW ORLEANS
(_) BEEN TO EUROPE
(X) SKIPPED SCHOOL
(_) SLEPT WITH A CO-WORKER
(X) CUT MYSELF ON PURPOSE
(_) HAD SEX AT THE OFFICE
(_) BEEN MARRIED
(_) BEEN DIVORCED
(_) HAD SEX WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON WITHIN THE SAME WEEK
(_) POSED NUDE
(_) GOT SOMEONE DRUNK JUST TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM
(_) HAD SEX WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON WITHIN 24 HOURS
(_) HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO'S NAME I DID NOT KNOW (Is it me, or are most of these about sex?? o.O)
(X) TAPED A SOAP OPERA (INCLUDING NITE TIME DRAMAS)
(X) BEEN THREATENED BY A SKIN-HEAD
(_) BEEN SKINNY DIPPING
(_) PARTICIPATED IN WATER SPORTS(SEXUALLY SPEAKING)
(_) STUFFED MY UNDERGARMENTS.
(_) TRIED COCAINE
Hmm... well, that was interesting, I guess
current mood:  calm
current music: Theme to 'Big Trouble in Little China' (on TV)
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, March 29th, 2004
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11:21 am
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Forsaken - VNV Nation
When I have nothing left to feel
When I have nothing left to say
I'll just let this slip away
I feel these engines power down
I feel this heart begin to bleed
as I turn this burning page
Please forgive me if I bleed
Please forgive me if I breathe
I have words I need to say
Oh so very much to say
And whose life do I lead?
And whose blood do I bleed?
Whose air do I breathe?
With whose skin now do I feel?
I'm supposed to walk away from here
I'm supposed to walk away from here
And whose life do I lead?
Whose blood do I bleed?
Whose air do I now breathe?
I'm convinced there's nothing more.
The day you died I lost my way
The day you died I lost my mind
What am I supposed to do?
Is there something more?
The engines power down
Like a soldier to his end I go
Because I'm convinced
That there is nothing more
And whose life do I lead?
And whose air do I breathe?
With whose skin and whose blood do I feel?
What happens now?
Have I done something wrong?
Forgive my need to bleed right now
Please forgive my need to breathe
But I've so much to say
And it wouldn't matter anyway.
You're not here to hear these words that I must say
And I'm convinced inside
That there is nothing more
Whose life do I lead?
Whose air do I breathe?
Whose blood do I now bleed?
With whose skin now do I feel?
I have nothing left to say
I have nothing left to feel
Am I supposed to let this go now?
Let darkness come take you away?
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(comment on this)
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11:18 am
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Despite my insistance that I would not, I have.
It never fails to amaze me as to how mesmerising watching myself bleed can be. It disturbs me deeply too, but for those few moments...
What am I going to do with myself?
current music: "earth angel" - Wheezer
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, March 19th, 2004
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11:05 pm
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"How was work, Emma?"
"Not entirely dissimilar to having some one sucking out your soul through a hole in the middle of your chest with a straw."
The Ghostbusters theme was on the radio as I came home. I turned on the TV in time to witness the intro to Ghostbusters.
It was somewhat surreal.
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(comment on this)
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annoyed