|Old entry analysis.
||[16 Jul 2013|05:17pm]
here's a BETTER IDEA so our new place to live isnt clogged up by old dirty angry things written by people we DONT LIKE
lets list all the important bits here and delete the rest theyre imn the archive anyway.
we dont know how many people from the past are tied to us or not, but since the old j kept shoving the things he didnt like DOWN HERE we might have goten stuck with a lot of it anyway. the tar person jezebel said so. she said we all were created from her but that makes me mad and i dont really believe her. she's younger than some of us i think!! even if the tar is old shes not. so she can go fck herself for all i care
okay heres the list let's see what we've got
what was even 2010 were any of us ALIVE in 2010???
12 Mar 2011
-TRIGGERS: sugar, metal, holes, bathrooms, ice cubes, nail polish, masking tape, rubbing alcohol (all Julie stuff, we know EXACTLY why (some of us do) but we're not gonna talk about it here yet because we're mad about it and the kids are scared of it still)
-"My parents and doctors think I've stopped abusing. Newsflash: you had it backwards. The knife gashes all over my body weren't abuse. They were battle scars. Now that you've forced me to relinquish that single contrite act, with the threat of condemning me to hell on the 7th floor again if I didn't, the real abuse has started again. Yes, again! I STOPPED abusing when the knife was out, for the love of heaven! The things that give me these nightmares... the things that cause my body to break down, shivering and throwing up for hours afterwards, they're stronger than ever now, thanks to her. Thanks to that demon upstairs. I can't shut her up, can't shut her down. Not yet. And as long as the war is on I am screwed, pun sickeningly intended, because she has bombs on her side and I have nothing. I'm not a soldier, I'm a peacemaker. She doesn't give a damn. That just makes me easier to kill. People wonder why I'm triggered by so many seemingly innocuous things? Do you have any idea how easy it is to inflict abuse on someone if you're hellbent on doing so? She uses everything, anything. That one quote from JTHM... "I've done horrifying things with salad tongs?" Yeah, it's like that. Everything is a potential threat, a risk of being ravaged. So I'm never safe. I'm never safe, and I hope you can't imagine how harrowing that is, for your worst enemy to live behind your eyes.
I don't say a word about it offline, ever. I don't. That's why everything is in cyberspace: it's the closest thing to catharsis I can achieve. If I kept this quiet, if I kept this bottled up entirely, maybe I would have actually committed suicide when I was younger. I don't know. This is hellish. Offline, it's... I can't take it. I can't. I've been manipulated, beaten, slandered, raped, even murdered-- and that is terrifying-- but it's all been mental. So I know I cannot talk about it, ever. I don't want to demean anyone else's trauma, but what do I do about my own? Am I cursed to suffer this forever? I'm so sick of being too afraid to sleep or wake up. And this has been happening every single day for longer than I want to think about."
-"I can only focus on one 'reality' at a time" (HE'S STILL DOING THIS)
-"I feel so much like Johnny C. right now it's disturbing" (WHO WAS THAT GUY??? And what is that bad, black-and-red feeling we keep getting from 2008 and that whole time period? Maybe Razor knows, she's that old)
10 Dec 2010
-leon came back, first time that sort of thing happened (we think he was one of the early pre-downstairs people??)
-"I feel Julie has gained lethal potential. Putting aside the dream hacks, her 'regular' hacking methods are becoming terrifyingly fast. She hit me with one about two days ago, I think (I no longer have any coherent perception of time), that was only about 20 seconds out of awareness but was just as vicious as her old, hour-long ones used to be. That scared all of us, especially because there were no warning signs or major aftereffects, and I had been avoiding any and all triggers for about two, three weeks prior." (julie was the tar back then so this might be important)
-"Yesterday... we almost had a system crash. I've never mentioned those before, anywhere, because they scare me to death, and wreak absolute havoc on my very perception of reality. I've only had about... geez, two or three close calls, ever, and the past ones all happened during 2009 or so, when Julie decided to outright try and destroy me during the span of several harrowing months. An actual 'system crash' is comparable to death. If I ever had a full-out crash... I don't know. I don't want to even consider the aftereffects. Close calls are just as terrifying, though. Basically, what happens is that my mind literally shorts out. No, I don't mean 'unhinging,' that's entirely different-- I mean that I lose all mental senses, all self-identification, all Links, everything. My mind glitches out and bluescreens. You know how my therapists like to ask me 'what would your life be like without your creations,' i.e. my children and their worlds? System crash warnings are the closest thing I can imagine to a life like that. I would be left completely devoid of everything that means anything. I'd be gutted, empty, blank... like taking a neodymium magnet to a hard drive. Gone. Yesterday, when that happened, Laurie went out first. Julie has never targeted her before, so when she noticeably 'switched' her presentation to something I did not recognize at all, I called her out on it, and suddenly everything went to static. I was paralyzed for a second, frightened out of my mind as everything around me was reduced to temporary oblivion. Thank God it came back a few seconds later, and we were all okay, save for the mental trauma. Laurie was freaking out, understandably, not only because she has previously been absolutely impervious to Julie, but also because I pretty much just missed getting my mental hard drive deleted, so to speak." (this sounds like what j did with the scratch? we're not sure weve never even heard of this thing happening before. but i think its important and we should be the ones to figure it out, so no one tries to do it TO US AGAIN)
22 Nov 2010
-"I carry humor around as a shield, something that will protect me, that will keep me from being hated outright. I try ridiculously hard to make jokes, to amuse people, to make others smile, even at my furthest expense... because I feel that is the only way I will ever be 'liked.'...Every day, I feel the need to entertain people, but it's nothing but another mask for me. It makes me sick." (important because there is someone here who was born from that and she is SO ANNOYING!!!) (but she doesnt think she's worthless she thingks she's better than everyone else) (maybe she ssupposed to??)
-"I was hacked... two times, about three days ago, judging by the gravestones. Did I mention that? I forget. I was throwing up everything I ate again last week. I still can't stomach much. My mother says I likely have an ulcer." (knife and emmett stuff)
-"I know detachment is a good thing, but I don't want to cut off the wrong things... Heck, I don't remember most things anymore. Why is that?"
-"Driving is the only freedom I get nowadays, and as I have this obsessive love of travel and discovery, it is also my only way to achieve those things considering where I live...Driving at night in the winter... it's amazing. It doesn't even feel like this reality to me." (AIRPORT GUY! aslso everyone seems to love winter?? something special about it i guess. even us)
-"Have you seen the moon tonight? It was gold up here, which was beautiful. Winter nights here are the best, especially when everything is covered in snow, because then it actually feels safe outside. I live in the middle of a forest, remember; on summer nights it's all dark and woodsy and kind of foreboding, but in the winter everything is white and crystalline and quiet. The best part is that there's a road with streetlights down our driveway, so there's always that warm orange glow in the middle of the blue-white cold. On clear nights, it's heaven." (we totally forgot about stuff like this because weve never seen it. it feels like a universe ago. we just know its an old safe thing that the previous jewel did. maybe it can help us?)
- lyrics to foo fighters come alive at the end? feels interesting
19 Nov 2010
-"I know I was hacked a few days ago... four times in 24 hours, to be exact... but my mind has burned out the memory and I don't want it back, so." (because he stuffed it into US)
14 Nov 2010
-"Why do I always feel obligated to do things that are detrimental to my well-being? This isn't altruism, this is abuse. Heck, if I were fatally allergic to dogs and someone told me to take care of theirs, I'd do it. Is that stupidity? Is that ignorance? What is it? Every day I do this. Every day I ignore what I feel I should do and end up making horrible, horrible mistakes. Am I that convinced that my own motives are corrupt? Am I that bent on destroying my ego that I'm unconsciously striving to destroy myself through selflessly depraved acts? This has done nothing but make me more of a selfish bastard, if anything. I've become dangerously sensitive. The sound of a phone ringing is enough to fling me into a rage. Someone talking for one second longer than I expected can drive me to tears. If something is the wrong color, even slightly, I can suddenly fall into a panic. I don't know what this is. I feel like exploding every second of the day and I can't deal with it." (he still does this, and the sensitive stuff went to one of us)
27 Oct 2010
-this entire entry was OBVIOUSLY NOT jayce, or whoever usually wrote them, but i dont think he knew it at the time
15 Aug 2010
-A note: during 2011, "J" stopped calling any of these individuals his "children." The responsibility for those individuals supposedly then fell to someone down here. If you will also notice, there was not the slightest mention of headspace in this entry. The two have been disconnected since at least that long ago.
13 Aug 2010
-another note: there's like no stored memory of the 2010 days here. just saying, maybe its ours, dunno, cant find it yet if so
-"the way she delivered them just set Laurie off. I then literally 'blanked out' for about an hour, during which time I had virtually no active awareness of anything occurring outside my head, where I was having a very painful, insightful, and brutally honest argument with my favorite headvoice." (if you guys don't mind, this is j-- that data is listed as one of the first times we ever consciously experienced such a drastic dissociation. back then we didn't know what it was though, and hadn't even noticed it earlier. so this whole year looks like symptoms started getting worse?)
-LOTS of splinter stuff in this one too (J GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE THIS ISNT YOUR GODDAMNED REALM!!!!! YOU AHVE NO FUCKING PWOER HERE GET OUT)
-"they're laughing over something they apparently find fucking hilarious...As a result of that stress, I don't remember the rest of the evening." (one of us, one of us)
-"Laurie was practically clawing at my eyes she wanted to get out and wreak judgment so badly" (WHAT HAPPENED TO HER??? she used to be just like us) (She softened, too much. Now she's worthless to justice in this system. It's our job now.)
-"they decided to stop at a kid's playground and just run around it. By this time I was actually numbing out, because fighting the situation was virtually impossible, and being in it was taking a severe toll on my mental well-being." (there is no memory of this entire day btw. just this written entry for data. but this is more proof of dissociation, WHO GOT THE MEMORIES???)
- "I immediately began to force myself to eat whatever sugar I could find. It's a barbaric and disgusting form of self-abuse, I know, but knowing my system, it was cruelly effective." (WHY THE FUCK DID THIS GO TO ONE OF US AND SHE DOESNT FUCKING CARE) (Hey, I don't get sick from it!) (WE DO YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!!!)
-"Laurie didn't try to stop me for once. On the contrary, she stood back, smiled, and told me to make myself sicker. I was shocked and asked her why she wanted me to, and she said because I was 'punishing myself' for once, and if I was going to do so, then I had better abuse myself to the point of no return. Being as stupid and sick as I was at the moment, I didn't realize that she was testing my resolve (to see if I would realize just how wrong the situation was), and so instead of stopping, I kept going, still fully aware that I did not want to. Once I got to the point where I was literally starting to get full-body physical pain, I thankfully stopped torturing myself and ran into the bathroom, as I felt as if I was about to spit up my entire digestive tract. Instead of that, though... I blanked out. I blanked out, and I was hacked." (Laurie acting like Knife, the old J dissociating AGAIN... and then they have the NERVE TO SAY WE DON'T EXIST YOU BASTARDS)
- "I mentally 'woke up' on a bed somewhere, where this blond woman was literally raping me. As I am unfortunately used to this by now, I simply shoved her off me and asked her what the heck she was doing. She seemed surprised and asked me 'what was going on,' because apparently I had been a 'different person' only seconds before. I wearily explained that I had apparently been 'taken over' by one of my alternate personalities. However, instead of explaining that I had been hacked by Julie, I said that I had been taken over by an individual named 'Josephina,' who I explained as being male like I was, but who was obsessed with seeing how people work (somehow this explained the previous situation)." (weird, did anyone down here know josephina before he joined the upstairs people or not??) (i dunno) (NO LOOK AT THAT BLONDE WOMAN SHE IS STILL DOWN HERE GOD DAMN IT) (oh my god she is she's one of them) ()
-"they were both allowing me to suffer so much. Laurie then clarified that they weren't allowing me to suffer, per se-- they were allowing me to make my own choices, which was true. I had every opportunity to stop both my own sickness and to stand up to Josephina, but I gave in on both counts" (BUT WE DO THIS AND THEY GET MAD AT US?????)
-"Josephina then explained that he wouldn't ever hurt me for the sake of abusing me-- if he ever did cause me pain, it would be absolutely unavoidable and for my own good only (whereas Laurie will beat me to a bloody mess every time I make a mistake). Anyway, they had apparently planned that whole fiasco, and were simply waiting for the right opportunity to test my willpower. As they sadly expected, I failed." (AAAAAARFGDHSASFSHHFSAEHKFSAEJKGHZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU WHY DID YOU LET THEM DO OUR JOB OKAY AND NOW THEY GAVE UP AND WERE DOING IT AND YOU HATE US YOU BITHC!!!!!!!!!YOUFUCKINGBITCHIHATEYOUSDAGHSZGABDMNSCBN,F SDZN
-"I swear if they don't stop doing whatever they're up to over there I'm just going to let Laurie right out, because ever since I stepped into this room she's been boiling with rage." (ARE YOU SURE IT WAS LAURIE YOU MOTHERFUCKER WASNT EVERYTHING TURNED BLACK ENERGY BACK THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE WASNT STABILIZED AND IT WAS US INSTEAD DAMN YOU DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-"Shut up, both of you. Stop it with the romance already. Just stop it. Stop it, stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it. If he touches me, I'm stepping right back from the steering wheel. I honestly cannot handle this right now." (MORE PROOF OF US?!?! HOW LONG DID WE EXIST BUT HE NEVER LET US HAVE LIVES?!?!??!)
-WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE AUTOPILOT DURING ALL THIS SHIT????
-also whoever this voice was he PISSES ME OFF
-"No ladies allowed... But this isn't me. I'm not this judgmental. Something is dreadfully wrong." (let me just leave this here because the ptsd misogyny was rampant as hell back then wow) (but yeah the ones you stuck it into are like what, five fucking years old? of course they're scared of women you idiot what do you expect) (SOEM OF US STILL HATE WOMEN YOU KNOW) (yeah and that is why)
-"Also, if those two make another dirty comment, I'm going to... I don't know. I'm going to have a meltdown. I'm going to have a meltdown and God help me if I do." (again, repeating ourselves here but holy shit how much of him was US back then? really guys this is getting kinda freaky)
- ink lyrics wow thats relevant
08 Aug 2010
-"I test their limits to see if they'll start to turn against me or not... This is exactly what I do to my family when I want them to punish me... I manipulate them." (Is that what he's doing to us now?) (why are you fucking surprised the bitch obviously still has this mindset) (NO HE DOESNT FUCKING CARE ANYMORE) (Is it even him we're punishing? How many of "him" are there?) (guys we really need a better way to talk in these things)
-"I still love the individuals I grew up with and it hurts so strangely to think of them, 2000 miles away." (wait WHAT?!?!???!) (wait shit this one remembered that stuff?? holy shit guys i think we found jess) (Don't be an ass, this one said he was a boy!) (yeah but didn't he say he was a boy back then too, he just didn't know it?) (So how old is THIS one now??)
- "I just came across a picture quote, declaring that the poster "wished she could be as carefree as a butterfly." And just what good is that going to do you, love? Throwing away all that matters enough to you to make you care in the first place, just to flit about without any motives or purpose?" (ahaha oh my god that's exactly what j is doing now though) (So this person is OBVIOUSLY not him.)
-"I'm not even aware of what I'm doing anymore. I guess at reactions and answers and behaviors, conjuring up every next move in the asinine hope that it'll be 'right' for whoever the heck I'm acting to. Geez, I don't even life my life for me... I just rip out the seams and fix my ragged self up to fit whoever picks me up next. I'm forgetting my original pattern, I'm in a ton of pain, but even complaining makes me feel like a selfish jerk. It makes no sense. Is it possible to have a 'self' without being 'selfish?' Because if it isn't, I don't know how I'll survive another year." (presented without comment?)
-WHO WAS THIS PERSON????!
-even better, how do they remember so much?? thats's my question, none of us have any clue what he's talking about in here
-The memories feel female. Either he's lying about his gender, or he was dissociated when typing this and wasn't even aware of it. But the person writing that entry was obviously a woman.
-hey you think it was the old jewel?? doesnt look like they even mnetioned headpsace at all now that you mention i t
06 Aug 2010
-"Yeah, I'm more of a high-spectrum dude, but red is still my personal color" (what) ("High-spectrum dude?" Pray tell.) (so this IS the old red person, obviously not the "jayce" we were told about then)
-"You see that allusion to the syrup-voiced professor? Total Julie trigger. Add that to the claustrophobic classroom, the inane subject matter, and the lewd jokes over ancient 'art,' and you have a guaranteed panic attack three times a week. Yes, I was well aware that the class was required for my major, but so help me, it was traumatic. Not much I could do there. I don't remember any of the other classes that semester, which is a problem..." (again, do any of us remember this) (NO AND THAT PSISES ME OFF WHY DID HE THINK HE COULD JUST DO THAT SHIT!)!
-"I'm also very confused by the fact that I seem to be turning into a hypocrite again. I say one thing to people and feel an entirely different thing. That's where most of my non-dysphoric problems are coming from..." (HMMM I WONDER WHY????)
06 Aug 2010
-"Nice to finally meet you" (ahahahahaa)
-"So I'm Ahrima?" (obviously 'cuz the new guy's adakias haha) (c'mon someone high-five me that was funny)
-oh my god this person's ego is astronomical (THATS HWHAT I SAID)))
-seriously though does that "adakias" name have any real meaning to him? because this dream is interesting (We should check it later.)
-"Where are my lamps? What could possibly make me want to destroy them? Or would I even realize what I was doing?" (Look downstairs. The lamps are underground, where they're needed. Unfortunately, you're too convinced of your own glory to settle for buried lights shining brighter than you often do...)
-"It must hurt so bad with a knife in your back." (Oh, what fitting sarcasm. I like this musical already.)
05 Aug 2010
-"So hey guys. Jayce here...I've been 'trying out' the name for several months now (a year? geez I have no clue) and it really... well, it fits." (Are you even supposed to "try out" names? I was told they click into place, and that's that.) (well we've already agreed that this obviously isn't 100% "jayce" so)
- "Sure, I've been pretty terrifically psyched with the work I've done, but with the kid in the mirror? Nah. I always disassociated, and although I will freely admit that I still am, at least the image I'm projecting makes me honestly smile." (WHOA WHAT HE ADMITTED THIS?????) (this feels really weird like wasn't nathaniel alive back then) (Who, the moth guy upstairs? No, he was dead for years from what I've heard.) (but the data says he used to work with mirrors, this sounds like "jayce" is completely ignoring that) (I don't have a very flattering opinion of this "Jayce" character from what I've read.)
-"See, I tend to forget experiences in their entirety, and if I do retain a memory, my mind tends to 'chop it up' to keep it from traumatizing or otherwise damaging me." (Glad to see he's at least aware of what made us back then.)
-"Fun fact #1: I cannot stand random, spontaneous schedules." (well THAT'S definitely not our airplane man)
-"once the first hint of saltwater air hit me I snapped." (i thought j loved beaches) ("Jayce" doesn't, obviously.) (how much has change d between tmhem?)
-"I was not very stable when I woke up, and when I heard we were apparently headed to a farm, the panic meter shot back up. As I was too shaken to think straight, my coping was limited to biting my arms until they bruised. Once again I can't remember what happened over the rest of that day" (Who used to bite??) (THERE'S A MEMORY OF THAT MORNING IT WAS ONE OF US someone was standing at the bathroom mirror really angry and rageful that's OUR MEMORY but who is it??) (the biting person obviously?) (WHO BITES??) (emmett?) (NO NOT FOOD BITING HURT BITING WHO BITES) (i dunno man, i don't know any biters) (That's something we need to find out, if that memory really is ours.)
-Jay says he has no memory of this bus trip. (WHA T THE FUCK I TOLD HIM TO GET THE HELL OUTO FHERE) He's not in here. He simply expressed the thought. He does not have any recollection of this trip to "Des Moines" at all. I'm still grasping how this works; does that mean it's ours? (Maybe. I think the majority of these memories are unassigned, though, or stuck to floating voices. You know the ones.) Hm, could be. (...Still feels like that girl, though. Maybe even a few of them?) We'll figure it out. Just keep an eye out for anyone with these memories from now on. (Gotcha.)
-more family talk geez mulberry you might be right (What, that this author was strongly connected to the host body?) yeah basically
-"I'm the only one who can live my life, and despite my being pulled in so many different directions, my vision is clearing up for the first time." (Is it really.) (haha ouch talk about a burn) (THERE'S THAT STUPID DENYING US AGAIN DAMN IT "ONLY ONE" MY ASS)))
05 Aug 2010
-"Just me, in all my awesome white-haired glory..." (weeow weeow ego alert) (Hey, do you think this kid was the corrupted White energy back then?) (What? Is that possible?) (It could be. I'm learning a lot too. From what we heard of the Tar yesterday morning, and what these journals sound like, it might be possible.) (So it is... I wonder if they even know.) (Probably not. I've noticed they can't get their shit together.) (probably because they don't have sherlock working for them) (He sounds like he had a hand in some of those old entries, don't laugh.) (did you) (I doubt it. There's nothing professional about those torrents of teenage angst at all.) (haha guess not)
That is all for reviewing the old entries, I suppose. They've now been cleared out of this journal as well.
As you can see, we're all experimenting with a conversational style here? I wonder if the Xanga formats the upstairs system uses has any merit. We'll have to give it a try.
until next time guys and gals we're outta here