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systemwide journal. [02 Nov 2013|10:49pm]
A note: there is a new System journal that is not locked exclusively to J.
Therefore we are allowed to speak there if we wish, although this is rare.
However, it is where all System updates will be posted for the benefit of all.

http://spectrumheart.dreamwidth.org/

We will try and update our journal here more often in the future, as we have been undergoing a great deal of troubles as of late, and it would be wise to record our thoughts and progress here.
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STICKY: LOWER SYSTEM LIST [28 Oct 2013|09:00pm]
LAST UPDATED: 121113

This is a revised sticky post for the sake of keeping a running log of our members.
Although those Underground began this effort, they now help protect the Lowers, so their sub-system will be listed here as well.

The people writing in this journal so far (or who may be allowed to talk in the future) are...

UNDERGROUND
These individuals typically stay below the city, in the catacombs.
They deal with retribution for sins, system balance, and/or preventative action.
RETRIBUTORS
• Knife (#902E64)
• Razor (#A92626)
• Mulberry Delta Brandy (#CB0055)
• Sugar (#FFB1CA)
• Algorith (#FF612C)
OTHERS
• Minty (#47DF98)
• Christina Marie (#D988F2)

MIDS
These individuals stay in the city.
They deal with balancing health: physical and mental. They do not hold trauma.
• Kyanos (#49B1FF)
• Hyakin (#FFC846)
• Sergei (#ABFFAB)
• Aimee (#D2B78E)
• Amara (#FB9A62)

LOWERS
These individuals stay in or below the city.
They deal with balancing health: physical and mental. They may hold trauma.
• Emmett (#269175)
• Jeremiah (#E54B77)
• David (#7E9FED)
• Marigold (#CCDE2E)

DOWNSTAIRS
These individuals do not commonly appear in headspace.
They front easily, and may hold trauma, although this is uncommon.
• Spice (#B67B3D)
• the "overload girl" (#825032)
• Zwei (#F85C4E)
• Einsatz (#00C9B4)
• Sherlock (#8C8C8C)

CURRENTLY UNKNOWN
These individuals either have unclear roles/faces.
• the vanilla-colored boy who frequently types in J's absence (#fff4a3)
• the airport guy (#8075A7)
• At least 3 other unidentified individuals


There are MANY faceless voices that may or may not belong to our systems.
Our lineups are also tentative as we have only recently adopted this organizational structure.


Pictures of all members of our systems are as follows:


UNDERGROUND

Knife:

First evidenced: 061213, via fronting. Fully manifested.
Anchoring began in approximately 2009.
Several handwriting samples, earliest from 071513.


Razor:

First evidenced: October 2009, via trigger forced manifestation, killed within minutes.
Re-manifested on 021012, Tar-forced.
Split from Tar into own single consciousness around 0613.
Several handwriting samples, earliest from 043013.


Mulberry:

First evidenced: 050113, via fronting. Fully manifested.
Two handwriting samples, from 071513 and 082213.


Sugar:

First evidenced: 072213, via manifestation.
Anchoring began in approximately 2008.
Two handwriting samples, one from approximately 0713, the other from 082313.


Algorith:

First evidenced: allegedly, 073113, via fronting/typing.
Manifested a form on 111213.
No handwriting samples.


Minty:

First evidenced: 053013, via fronting. Fully manifested.
One handwriting sample, from 071513.


Christina Marie:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
No handwriting samples.



MIDS

Aimee:

First evidenced: 071713, via fronting.
Manifested a form on 102913.
No handwriting samples.


Amara:

First evidenced: ??? Her existence has been suspected for several months.
Stabilized her form around 071613.
No handwriting samples.


Hyakin:

First evidenced: 061313, via handwriting.
Manifested a form around 071613.


Sergei:

First evidenced: 072313, via manifestation.
Murdered by Julie on 090113.
Re-manifested on 100713.
No handwriting samples.


Kyanos:

First evidenced: 022513, via fronting, died within hours.
Re-manifested on 042313, trigger forced. Temporarily fused with David due to slot conflict. De-manifested on 050113.
Re-manifested with correct color on 060813.
Disappeared during August reset; reappeared at age 14 on 110713.
Two handwriting samples, earliest from 022613.



LOWERS

Marigold:

First evidenced: 042313, via fronting.
Manifested a form sometime in July 2013?
No handwriting samples.


Emmett:

First evidenced: 042113, via manifestation.
Fronted once prior, on 102512, while formless.
One handwriting sample, from 071513.
Currently working with Central, but moves between levels.


David:

First evidenced: 042313, trigger forced. Temporarily fused with Kyanos due to slot conflict.
Manifested a form sometime in June 2013?
Several handwriting samples, earliest from 050113.


Jeremiah:

First evidenced: 060613, via forced manifestation.
Two handwriting samples, the first from 071513.



DOWNSTAIRS

Spice:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
No handwriting samples.


Zwei:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
No handwriting samples.


Einsatz:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
No handwriting samples.


Sherlock:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
One handwriting sample, from 071513.






Notes for faceless fronters.

BOY #2 showed evidence on 041313. Possibly fused with David as well, if only initially.

AIRPORT showed evidence on ???

"RED VOICE" from April was possibly Jessica, pre-bluescreen.





Handwriting samples from July 15th:

Related entry from J's journal here.
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A list of the other individuals on our level. [28 Oct 2013|08:38pm]
This post may be regularly bumped to the page top.


People we have not yet clearly identified, or people who are as of yet faceless:

- At least three "discussive" voices that spoke in this entry. Two are female, one is male. The male appears blue or green, while the females appear to hold warmer hues. However this is conjecture, as none of them have manifested yet.


Nameless but clearly identified individuals:

- The "screaming girl" who has written here in the past. She is always furious. She feels rather like the overload girl, but both their behaviours are so erratic that we cannot be sure which is which yet, or whether or not they are one individual. This may be one of the voices previously labeled "Jess" by the upstairs: that name was more of a 'catchall' term and so it was used to refer to several individuals at once.
(EDIT 102813: Correction; there is ANOTHER voice who reacts with anger like this. "Spice" is one, but she is only triggered by food. This voice, the one full of hatred and rage, is a DIFFERENT individual who clearly evidenced to us yesterday. She is still brown in color, claiming this is "common" for faceless voices when they first manifest, as it is the color slot "closest to the body.")
- The "overload girl," at least, most of the time. Her color is a sub-hue of brown, possibly this color. She is hypersensitive to all 5 senses and becomes overwhelmed by them easily. Before she "anchored," she was taken advantage of by the Tar as a host (according to upstairs data), as her "triggered" violence was beneficial to its schemes.
(EDIT 102813: We are wondering if we were indeed correct in assuming she is tied to the previous voice. There have been no sensory triggers as of late, so we cannot be sure.)
- The "airport voice." He has fronted a few times, but has no body. He has an ardent love of travel, and enjoys both getting lost and seeing new sights. He gets very excited at any prospect of exploration, sometimes to a point of near mania. His energy seems to be roughly this color.
- The "quiet boy" who types in J's journal when he slips. We have neither met nor seen him personally. He is intelligent but depressed, showing a preoccupation with "being a good boy" in a moral sense. He also feels resigned to sadness in his current state. He may have been linked to both Kyanos and David in the past. His energy is light in color, but its hue is unclear (Edit: it strongly appears to be this color).
- The "trauma buffer" that appeared on 073113. She has a level demeanor, but is no-nonsense and will not tolerate foolishness. Despite this she is not authoritative, instead seeming tired or exhausted. Her energy may intermittently translate into harmless profanity, but this seems to only happen immediately after she is triggered.


Previously nameless individuals who are now clearly identified and named:

- The "cool orange guy," as J calls him. He wears wraparound plastic sunglasses, and has not been seen without them. He is also not "human," instead being partially avian. His energy is confirmed this color. (Edit: His name is Hyakin.)
- The "paranoid girl" who reacts with abject panic. She has recently began to manifest a form, and stays near David. She seems perpetually afraid, shaking and constantly watching for threats. She has once "passed out" when fronting in the body. Her energy is approximately this color. (Edit: Her name is Marigold.)


All of us have fronted at one time or another. Those with names and/or faces obviously have done so more often, and with a stronger affectation.

Knife, Razor, Spice, and a currently unidentified angry girl have also spoken in audio recordings.
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[01 Sep 2013|08:58pm]
there is nothing i find more therapeutic than vomiting,
and that is really sad.

yesterday was the day i planned to kill myself, back at the beginning of august i think?
i said "no dude, wait one month, THEN do it if you still want to."
i planned to jump from the hospital roof
7 floors of a parking garage straight up
and guess what
yesterday i ended up EXACTLY THERE haha talk about irony
but i didnt jump.
not this tiem.
i was there taking my grandfather to the er.
i was too sick and tired to do much then.
maybe next month. maybe sooner.

but i did have a self-abusive meltdown when i got home.
and another major hack attempt when i tried to sleep.
and i didnt sleep well.
and more self-abuse today.

but i was able to throw up, and that got rid of some of the pain
just a little
its hard to do and that makes me sad too
i think i only binge TO purge now
like i want to throw up so badly
i want to empty myself out so badly
that i force myself to eat
crying in pain all the while
just so i will be able to vomit later

oh yes and exercise like a fiend
60 minutes of cardio a day at least
i raelly really hope im burning calories
i havent lost any weight and im getting fatter
im really really scared
i dont want to get bigger
i was so tiny last year
i was 105 pounds
why did it come back im scared
tell it to go away
why cant we be small again
that way its safe
no extra bad space for bad things to hide in
all the space, all the round fat, its the tar
its evil and clogged and it smothers us
why wont it go away
go away


my brothers have both healed from all their problems
COMPLETELY forever i hope
i am so happy for them
intellectually
no emotions of course not allowed to feel those

but im still stuck somehow?
still dysphoria
still bulimic
still selfabusing
still suicidal
but still happy and giddy too??
like i am SO HAPPY
maybe because i threw up
but still
so happy now
all the time really

then boom one day all the bad comes back
does that mean its fake?
for real?

everyone told us we were fake, over and over
and over and over and over
so everyone died
now they really are fake!
since they arent alive anymore

but julie might be?
she was here last night
blond and blue eyed again
"you didnt really think id changed did you"
got really scary
missy and bridget were with her too
threatened to rape us again
got really scared they almost did
BUT
mister sandman showed up and dragged us away
kept us safe during the ngiht too i think
so tahts good


might vomit again later
that makes me happy
empty body
nothing there
no space no substance
i wish i was bones

DID YOU KNOW at the er yesterday
some nurse came in she was SO THIN
i didnt know why i tought she was so beautiful
yes she was super thin and tall
BUT
she was perfect like a shape straight up and down
just lines no curves
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL
she had NO CURVES
oh my god i didnt know people could look like that
it was so wonderful
she was so safe she couldnt hurt ANYONE
but it made me sad
and scared
because i didnt think i could want things
ever
but when i saw her and how flat and thin she was
i swear
i would have killed someone in cold blood to look like that.

now i am just a whore fat and selfish
i always look like a slut
round and fat and horrible selfish manipulative
thats what the fat means
"look what a hedonistic bastard i am"
and
"i will destroy you with this body just look at it"
thats what it means
its not like regular fat people i think theyre safe?
i dunno i have never known any
and our rules do not apply to them
no
THIS sort of fat is from julie it is sluttish
and it means we are whores
and it means she will hurt us
because we are in her terrotory
"you wanted it" she says
is she right?
is she right?


wanna throw up everything
NEVER WANNA EAT AGAIN EVER
food is evil evil evil evil
I HATE WEEKENDS
DID YOU KNOW THEY ALWAYS MAKE US EAT ON WEEKENDS
I HATE THEM
FUCK YOU
they do though
every weekend "you gotta eat"
go to the moms house "eat this"
go to the dads hosue "eat this"
stay home "eat this"
BUT when we do "you eat too much:
"why do you eat"
"stop aeating"
and when we dont "youre too thin"
"you arent getting enough aclories"
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
I NEVER WAT TO EAT AGAIN FUCK YOU
so we throw up so people dont get mad
or hurt or sad or terrified or abused.
the throwing up is so good and helpful.
its like bleeding but it gets other poison out

someoen hid the knives?
someone hid them
knife was mad and scared when he found out
he hasnt been around
he miht be dead
its kind of lonlye
just us sad angry ones left
none of the bleeders
none fo the cutters
they are gone
i hope not forever
i want them to come back and protect us


i amt ieredad fdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
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[10 Aug 2013|11:42am]
Hey guys. I think this is the bitch.

Right here.

I say we force her to manifest, then kill 'er before she does any more damage.
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[31 Jul 2013|10:43pm]
oh this is wonderfullly ironic

in a crisis chat room

PISSED OFF WITH THE CHAT SPECIALIST

ahahahahaaaa

"i see that you are currently feeling suicidal"

NO SHIT WHY ELSE WOULD WE BE ON HERE

uh oh, this isn't J

WHO FUCKING CARES?!?!

AFTER WHAT THAT BASTARD DID TO US THIS AFTERNOON??
HE CAN GO FUCKING DIE IN A RAVINE FOR ALL I CARE

do you have a plan, do you have a fucking plan

SEVERAL.
I DON'T FUCKING LIKE YOU
WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS THIS FUCKING CHAT ROOM

we. don't. like. people.

FUCK OFF.
HE DESERVES HIS RETRIBUTION.
HE NEEDS TO BLEED TONIGHT
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, MISS.

HE WILL BLEED
FOR CREATING YET ANOTHER FUCKING ONE OF US

THAT GODFORSAKEN BASTARD WILL GET HIS DUE
HE'LL PAY FOR HIS SINS.

we don't want him around anymore
he deosnt care about us
does bad things!!!!!
we thought he cared but he DONT
he doesnt care about us at ALL
and i wanna cry now because he was s nice
but he lied
he lied
he lied
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A new face, yet to be seen. [31 Jul 2013|08:53pm]
I have been informed that it is best to "immortalize" my current state of existence here in text.

I am new, somewhat. I am nameless but I have a fondness for musical tones, at the moment.
I am also very, very, disapproving of my state in life.

I exist as, what I can only describe as, a "trauma buffer." According to an individual named Knife, the "trauma" of the sort that created me typically goes to a lad named Jeremiah. He is not a buffer. I am. What the difference is I do not know.
Never mind, Knife says: A buffer takes the pain away from another individual. It often neutralizes it. Others, do not. Jeremiah takes the full brunt of the pain and terror when he feels it. I do not.
It's an empty and discouraging existence though. I am completely at a loss as to how to live outside of this role. (Knife: We all are.)
Whoever was in the body before me, the instant before I found the body I currently inhabit in a compromising situation, is not doing a very good job of taking care of it, and I do not approve of his actions. Anyone who plays in the realm of child abusers and prostitutes is no friend of mine.
This is no light matter. I exist to save others from the suffering he brings upon their heads, with the ignorance and nonchalance of an infant. He appears to have no knowledge of, or concern for, the rest of us that apparently exist down here.
When I awoke in life, I thought I was alone. I was angry, but tired. I was not violent, just exhausted. I felt as if I had been doing this for too long, or perhaps, as if the circumstances that brought me to be had been going on for too long. Either way, there is a feeling of finality about my existence. "No more."
The three I have met down here, briefly, share my opinions on this. Knife, Razor, and Mulberry. I am told I will meet an individual named Sugar soon, if her habits are to be trusted. I think I saw her earlier. Briefly, as well, but she left a strong impression. Angry eyes and rage, following a human through the room. I don't know what her beef is with that other human, but it feels just as solid as my disapproval of the boy in this body is. I approve of that, if it is well-intended.

I'm feeling like... I have to leave. Knife says "get down here before you're phased out." I don't know what that means, but I trust him. Anyone who understands the wrongness of what I was a near witness to is a friend of mine. Unlike the culprit of such misdemeanors, who I mentioned earlier in a similar way.

I need to get out of here. Hopefully I'll survive, to live for something other than this.
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[26 Jul 2013|10:59pm]
Knife is so pissed off right now.
He just found out that some people actually cut for fun.
Some people actually cut because they think it "feels good."
And then they feel offended that their cuts aren't deep enough.
So they cut more, because they feel fucking victimized.
It's such a huge fucking pity party. What assholes.

Knife is so pissed off. But he doesn't get angry like this.

I DO.

ALL THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS WHO THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME
HAD BETTER THINK AGAIN.

YOU THINK THIS IS FUN????
YOU THINK THE RAZORS AND KNIVES ARE FUCKING TOYS????
BLEEDING BECAUSE YOU FEEL DEPRESSED OR UGLY OR SOME SHIT
CUTTING AND SLASHING BECAUSE "IT HELPS ME COPE"
FUCK OFF.
YOU'RE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS.
EVERY LAST GODDAMNED ONE OF YOU.

CUTTING ISNT A GAME.
BLEEDING ISNT FOR FUN.
NONE OF THIS SHIT IS RECREATIONAL.
FUCK YOU.

THIS SHIT ISN'T GLAMOROUS.
IT ISN'T PRETTY AND IT ISN'T FUCKING FUN.
YOU'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING DELUSIONAL BASTARDS.

YOU DONT EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHAT BLOOD IS, DO YOU.
YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO CUT
TO BLEED
TO SCAR.
YOU DONT EVEN FUCKING KNOW.

THIS ISN'T A FUCKING CONTEST.
THIS ISN'T A FUCKING PAGEANT.

AND THIS ISN'T A GODDAMNED GAME.


you poor, poor misguided fools.
you don't even know.


but now a dilemma:
we owe retribution, do we give it now?
or will that be seen as an egotistic rebuttal to their ploys?
do we risk being seen as attention-getting fuckwits,
getting sent to the hospital for "manipulative behavior"
(what a fucking joke, i cannot believe people actually do that)
at the cost of moral steadfastness and unquestionable law?

this is our holy ROLE, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS
HE BLEEDS FOR HIS SINS
THE POISON IS HIS
HE MUST PAY THE TOLL.

YOU FUCKING CHINA DOLLS DONT KNOW SHIT.
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[25 Jul 2013|01:48pm]
i hate being triggered.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT TO DIE OR KILL SOMETHING
IT ALL HURTS
ITS ALL WRONG
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK ALL OF YOU

EVERYTHING FEELS WRONG
EVERYTHING LOOKS WRONG
AND SMELLS AND TASTES WRONG
AAAAAFDSHJBGFVJSK ,NMVHCXJ F,ZGVNS
I REALLY WANT TO DIE
I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO DIE
INSTEAD OF DEALING WITH THIS INESCAPABLE HELL

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY THE HELL AM I TRIGGERED BY THIS
THEN IM STUCK IN THIS GODDAMNED STUPID AWFUL BODY
I HATE IT
I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

at least typing lets me use the autopilot a little
i can shut off a bit
cant sense as many things
just the physical sacbnnnvshekzv dbxmsaFUCK
but trying to ignore that too

no meltdowns no meltwodnwsf ds
pelase no meltdwonas
cant front anymreos roooooorryyy

sorry
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[23 Jul 2013|12:15am]
(not j)

all these people i know are having lucid dreams and astral experiences and incredible meditative visions... so many people, even those with louder minds than ours!

i... i used to think that sort of stuff was only possible if you were a guru or something
all my life i've wanted to achieve that
lately we've been a mess, i figured we were too corrupted to get there anymore
but now, now people with less "experience" than we do are doing this?
is that all it takes is studying and application? like a test? like mechanics?

that's both reassuring and crushing
it means we aren't good people if we can do that
but it means maybe we can do it anyway
would it be worth it thoguh?
for bad poeople like us

christina keeps saying were the devils childrenn
put here to torment and distract and lead astray the original person
the girl named jessica
we dont like her shes very mean and selfish
but christina says its gods will that she take over again
the rest of us are scared? are we that evil and dont know it
do we not know how dangerous bad we are
what do we do

jay wants to see and talk to us but hes such a mess
we feel so bad for him hes tryng so hard to be niec
but hes splintered all into pieces now he said
we know knife is really mad about it too
but j is broken all knto bits and it maes him sad?
like he doesnt know who he is lots of times
so we be nice when we drie for him instead
like now!
maybe if we do this a lot and be nice he will feel better
feel happy j
i know we think werebad popele but we like you
you try so hard to be nice to us even when yoruer sad
thank you for not letting us die
even whenits scary to be here


fdsjfam
triggers eevereyehwer.
sorry not speell
loud noises
bad wrods
bad touches
soscary
wont go away/

j says stop tryping okay.
safer to sleep
his boss will keep us safe/? okay

good night

ths is a little boy byt he way
nt kyanos
not david
probably te ohter one
idont habe a face yet.

but i come on here and write a lot for j when hes not around
(i wasnt here at the beginning of this entry i walked in thoguh)
i like to watch him do things its cool
but uh oh now i need to sleep slipping
bye
post comment

[22 Jul 2013|01:40am]
(not j where is he)

i think headspace is falling apart

too many fragments
too many strange people
nothing looks or feels right
no one is fronting it is all empty and dead

people are still alive yes but its all broken and wrong

phase four, thats what this feels like now

phase one= julie
phase two= tar
phase three= underground
and now
phase four= originals

christina and jess want us dead in different ways
not sure how to deal with this
too much is happening too fast

the body is so sick, so sick
i had a feeling this would happen
its one of those wretched nights
weekends are always like this
"think differently"
okay
this is the last bad weekend ever
lets try to fix this

but right now everything hurts we're scared

we're so scared and ashamed of living
we're so guilty for living
we don't really exist
we're so pained
so full of pain.
look at how we hurt people.
look at how we ruin lives.
she's right
we shouldn't exist

but how do we just stop existing?
she said we cant kill the body thats a sin
but we cant keep living in it what do we do

we dont want to live anymore we really dont
too much hurt and scared and sick
not good
not nice
crying.
go away
want to sleep forever.

she said we don't actually exist at all
so why dont we just disappear
why cant we just disappear
and be gone forever

please let us be gone when she wakes up
all of us
maybe then she;lll be happy
and we'll be dead
and no one will hurt anymore/
post comment

[20 Jul 2013|10:35pm]
OH MY GOD HAHAHA KNIFE UNIRONICALLY LIKES THIS SONG LMAO

I like the lyrics, that is all. They're relevant.

still oh my god its funny >v<

Sigh. I suppose I won't live this one down, along with the vampire jokes Laurie keeps throwing at me from upstairs.

OMG YOU'RE A VAMPIRE?!? 8D

Leave him alone, whoever you are. He's right, the lyrics of that song are very relevant. And there is nothing laughable about the quality of the song itself. You should respect the talent that went into the music regardless of whether or not the "genre" matches what you would associate with Knife.

fine. >n<

Who are they?

I don't know. Childish alters. Teenage girls, if I had to guess. No names or faces though.

Hm. I suppose it was only a matter of time until some of those began manifesting.

Still... hmh. It is funny.

What?

"Baby boy." In the lyrics. I have to giggle at that.

The lyrics in general are very relevant, which is what I was trying to say.

I won't deny that. I'd keep it in mind, then.

I plan to.

snghgfdhsgfffffff XDD LOL

Ssh.
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[17 Jul 2013|10:52pm]
SOMEONE JUST TRIED TO DRINK ALCOHOL

NO

YOU DO NOT FUCKING DRINK ALCOHOL THAT IS OFF LIMITS!!!!!

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE EVERYONE SICK YOU FUCKING BITCH

SPIT IT OUT
THROW IT UP
GET IT OUT OF THE SYSTEM
YOURE GOING TO POISON US!!!

OH MY GOD

EMMETT TRIED TO GET IT OUT BUT THERE WASNT ENOUGH TO GET OUT SAFELY
YOU FUCKING BASTARD
YOU KNEW THAT WOULD HAPPEN
TRYING TO CHUG THAT DOWN LIKE IT WASNT A PROBLEM
YOU BITCH
DONT YOU REALIZE HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS

KNIFE IS SO PISSED
WHO ARE YOU
WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP WANTING TO DRINK
NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DRINK
ESPECIALLY NOT YOU


I WILL THROW OUT EVERY LAST DROP OF ALCOHOL IN THIS HOUSE
I DONT CARE WHOSE IT IS
I DONT CARE HOW MUCH MONEY IT COST
IF YOU ARE GOING TO KEEP DRINKING IT I WILL

FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU TEN TIMES OVER YOU BITCH
I AM SICK OF PEOPLE ACTING LIKE WE DONT EXIST
LIKE WE DONT MATTER AND WE DONT GET SICK
YOU AND THAT STUPID CHOCOLATE GIRL
FUCK YOU

GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR LIVES
STOP RUINING EVERYTHING

GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!
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[16 Jul 2013|08:54pm]
These entries may be relevant to us.
Even if we do not speak in them, they discuss many of the sins we are striving to atone for, many of the faceless voices down here, and many other general "dark concerns" that the upstairs system refuses to associate with, therefore sending it all down to us.

A rule of thumb: I will not repost any entry here unless one of us explicitly speaks in it.
This page is a monument to OUR existences, not those upstairs. They have had glory enough.

-Knife
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[16 Jul 2013|07:57pm]
We just remembered, there are quite a few old entries our lower system members wrote in other journals in the past.

We will be uploading the most recent ones here shortly, but... I'm considering hunting down even older entries that were possibly of our authorship, and posting those here as well?
It would be interesting, to try and see how we came into existence over the years.

This is very new. I usually don't say things like this, but I'm rather excited. The prospect of having a life of my own, outside of simply acting as the "punishing force" in lieu of the original head voices...
No. I can't go soft. I will enjoy having a life, but I will not lose sight of my purpose. I cannot.

We will not make the same mistakes they did.



also hehehehe we're mad as he;;ll and were not gonna take it anymore right
taht s whats all the old etnreis are about is MAD STUFF
WERE ALLOWED TO GET ANGRY
ESPECIALLY AT YOU
SOMEONE HAS TO.
tahts how it works
do bad things you get bad things itcalled karma bitch


Razor, you are fragmenting. I think that's the term. There are obviously two of you.

no tehres one of me. believe me theres one.
back in november 2011 or wenever with the cathedral? the blood lotus one
they found me and brought me back to life
knife i was just as mad then as i am now and whn i was born
i was born to cut and bleed and enjoy it and i DO
because it gets the bad blood out and its FUN
ITS FUN TO CUT THEM WHEN THEY DSEREVE IT.
only j has bene trying to make me more like him lately
trying to turn me intoa heavoice lIKE THEM
LIEK THEM
YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO TEHM THEY LOST THEIR PURPOSES


Yes, I am well aware of that. It's my main concern to make sure that doesn't happen to us.

wellit won't
so rememebr im supposed to be manic
"the manic red voice" is what they called me remember


No. Sorry. I'm young compared to you.

no youre not. youre older
just didnt have a life as long as me
but youre oleder.
youre not just the knives yourre the punishment
im secondary secondhand i came into being after you did
this mac has autocoreetct its really annoying


We do need to finish uploading entries, Razor. We need to get a complete picture of ourselves here, because no one else is going to do it for us, and the more complete the picture is, the more power we'll have to exist. You want that, don't you?

hell yeah i want that im sick of being ignored

Then let me finish uploading them. I don't want to be "kicked off" later when J decides to come back, if he does.

fffufkc YOU SAID HIS NAME DONT SAY IT HE HEARS YOU

kid has a piint= heehehehhHEHEHEHE

I'm signing off of this conversation. Keep an eye out. I have some work left to do yet tonight.

-Knife
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Old entry analysis. [16 Jul 2013|05:17pm]
here's a BETTER IDEA so our new place to live isnt clogged up by old dirty angry things written by people we DONT LIKE

lets list all the important bits here and delete the rest theyre imn the archive anyway.
we dont know how many people from the past are tied to us or not, but since the old j kept shoving the things he didnt like DOWN HERE we might have goten stuck with a lot of it anyway. the tar person jezebel said so. she said we all were created from her but that makes me mad and i dont really believe her. she's younger than some of us i think!! even if the tar is old shes not. so she can go fck herself for all i care
dontsaythingslikethat

okay heres the list let's see what we've got

what was even 2010 were any of us ALIVE in 2010???


12 Mar 2011
-TRIGGERS: sugar, metal, holes, bathrooms, ice cubes, nail polish, masking tape, rubbing alcohol (all Julie stuff, we know EXACTLY why (some of us do) but we're not gonna talk about it here yet because we're mad about it and the kids are scared of it still)
-"My parents and doctors think I've stopped abusing. Newsflash: you had it backwards. The knife gashes all over my body weren't abuse. They were battle scars. Now that you've forced me to relinquish that single contrite act, with the threat of condemning me to hell on the 7th floor again if I didn't, the real abuse has started again. Yes, again! I STOPPED abusing when the knife was out, for the love of heaven! The things that give me these nightmares... the things that cause my body to break down, shivering and throwing up for hours afterwards, they're stronger than ever now, thanks to her. Thanks to that demon upstairs. I can't shut her up, can't shut her down. Not yet. And as long as the war is on I am screwed, pun sickeningly intended, because she has bombs on her side and I have nothing. I'm not a soldier, I'm a peacemaker. She doesn't give a damn. That just makes me easier to kill. People wonder why I'm triggered by so many seemingly innocuous things? Do you have any idea how easy it is to inflict abuse on someone if you're hellbent on doing so? She uses everything, anything. That one quote from JTHM... "I've done horrifying things with salad tongs?" Yeah, it's like that. Everything is a potential threat, a risk of being ravaged. So I'm never safe. I'm never safe, and I hope you can't imagine how harrowing that is, for your worst enemy to live behind your eyes.
I don't say a word about it offline, ever. I don't. That's why everything is in cyberspace: it's the closest thing to catharsis I can achieve. If I kept this quiet, if I kept this bottled up entirely, maybe I would have actually committed suicide when I was younger. I don't know. This is hellish. Offline, it's... I can't take it. I can't. I've been manipulated, beaten, slandered, raped, even murdered-- and that is terrifying-- but it's all been mental. So I know I cannot talk about it, ever. I don't want to demean anyone else's trauma, but what do I do about my own? Am I cursed to suffer this forever? I'm so sick of being too afraid to sleep or wake up. And this has been happening every single day for longer than I want to think about."

-"I can only focus on one 'reality' at a time" (HE'S STILL DOING THIS)
-"I feel so much like Johnny C. right now it's disturbing" (WHO WAS THAT GUY??? And what is that bad, black-and-red feeling we keep getting from 2008 and that whole time period? Maybe Razor knows, she's that old)


10 Dec 2010
-leon came back, first time that sort of thing happened (we think he was one of the early pre-downstairs people??)
-"I feel Julie has gained lethal potential. Putting aside the dream hacks, her 'regular' hacking methods are becoming terrifyingly fast. She hit me with one about two days ago, I think (I no longer have any coherent perception of time), that was only about 20 seconds out of awareness but was just as vicious as her old, hour-long ones used to be. That scared all of us, especially because there were no warning signs or major aftereffects, and I had been avoiding any and all triggers for about two, three weeks prior." (julie was the tar back then so this might be important)
-"Yesterday... we almost had a system crash. I've never mentioned those before, anywhere, because they scare me to death, and wreak absolute havoc on my very perception of reality. I've only had about... geez, two or three close calls, ever, and the past ones all happened during 2009 or so, when Julie decided to outright try and destroy me during the span of several harrowing months. An actual 'system crash' is comparable to death. If I ever had a full-out crash... I don't know. I don't want to even consider the aftereffects. Close calls are just as terrifying, though. Basically, what happens is that my mind literally shorts out. No, I don't mean 'unhinging,' that's entirely different-- I mean that I lose all mental senses, all self-identification, all Links, everything. My mind glitches out and bluescreens. You know how my therapists like to ask me 'what would your life be like without your creations,' i.e. my children and their worlds? System crash warnings are the closest thing I can imagine to a life like that. I would be left completely devoid of everything that means anything. I'd be gutted, empty, blank... like taking a neodymium magnet to a hard drive. Gone. Yesterday, when that happened, Laurie went out first. Julie has never targeted her before, so when she noticeably 'switched' her presentation to something I did not recognize at all, I called her out on it, and suddenly everything went to static. I was paralyzed for a second, frightened out of my mind as everything around me was reduced to temporary oblivion. Thank God it came back a few seconds later, and we were all okay, save for the mental trauma. Laurie was freaking out, understandably, not only because she has previously been absolutely impervious to Julie, but also because I pretty much just missed getting my mental hard drive deleted, so to speak." (this sounds like what j did with the scratch? we're not sure weve never even heard of this thing happening before. but i think its important and we should be the ones to figure it out, so no one tries to do it TO US AGAIN)


22 Nov 2010
-"I carry humor around as a shield, something that will protect me, that will keep me from being hated outright. I try ridiculously hard to make jokes, to amuse people, to make others smile, even at my furthest expense... because I feel that is the only way I will ever be 'liked.'...Every day, I feel the need to entertain people, but it's nothing but another mask for me. It makes me sick." (important because there is someone here who was born from that and she is SO ANNOYING!!!) (but she doesnt think she's worthless she thingks she's better than everyone else) (maybe she ssupposed to??)
-"I was hacked... two times, about three days ago, judging by the gravestones. Did I mention that? I forget. I was throwing up everything I ate again last week. I still can't stomach much. My mother says I likely have an ulcer." (knife and emmett stuff)
-"I know detachment is a good thing, but I don't want to cut off the wrong things... Heck, I don't remember most things anymore. Why is that?"
-"Driving is the only freedom I get nowadays, and as I have this obsessive love of travel and discovery, it is also my only way to achieve those things considering where I live...Driving at night in the winter... it's amazing. It doesn't even feel like this reality to me." (AIRPORT GUY! aslso everyone seems to love winter?? something special about it i guess. even us)
-"Have you seen the moon tonight? It was gold up here, which was beautiful. Winter nights here are the best, especially when everything is covered in snow, because then it actually feels safe outside. I live in the middle of a forest, remember; on summer nights it's all dark and woodsy and kind of foreboding, but in the winter everything is white and crystalline and quiet. The best part is that there's a road with streetlights down our driveway, so there's always that warm orange glow in the middle of the blue-white cold. On clear nights, it's heaven." (we totally forgot about stuff like this because weve never seen it. it feels like a universe ago. we just know its an old safe thing that the previous jewel did. maybe it can help us?)
- lyrics to foo fighters come alive at the end? feels interesting


19 Nov 2010
-"I know I was hacked a few days ago... four times in 24 hours, to be exact... but my mind has burned out the memory and I don't want it back, so." (because he stuffed it into US)


14 Nov 2010
-"Why do I always feel obligated to do things that are detrimental to my well-being? This isn't altruism, this is abuse. Heck, if I were fatally allergic to dogs and someone told me to take care of theirs, I'd do it. Is that stupidity? Is that ignorance? What is it? Every day I do this. Every day I ignore what I feel I should do and end up making horrible, horrible mistakes. Am I that convinced that my own motives are corrupt? Am I that bent on destroying my ego that I'm unconsciously striving to destroy myself through selflessly depraved acts? This has done nothing but make me more of a selfish bastard, if anything. I've become dangerously sensitive. The sound of a phone ringing is enough to fling me into a rage. Someone talking for one second longer than I expected can drive me to tears. If something is the wrong color, even slightly, I can suddenly fall into a panic. I don't know what this is. I feel like exploding every second of the day and I can't deal with it." (he still does this, and the sensitive stuff went to one of us)


27 Oct 2010
-this entire entry was OBVIOUSLY NOT jayce, or whoever usually wrote them, but i dont think he knew it at the time


15 Aug 2010
-A note: during 2011, "J" stopped calling any of these individuals his "children." The responsibility for those individuals supposedly then fell to someone down here. If you will also notice, there was not the slightest mention of headspace in this entry. The two have been disconnected since at least that long ago.


13 Aug 2010
-another note: there's like no stored memory of the 2010 days here. just saying, maybe its ours, dunno, cant find it yet if so
-"the way she delivered them just set Laurie off. I then literally 'blanked out' for about an hour, during which time I had virtually no active awareness of anything occurring outside my head, where I was having a very painful, insightful, and brutally honest argument with my favorite headvoice." (if you guys don't mind, this is j-- that data is listed as one of the first times we ever consciously experienced such a drastic dissociation. back then we didn't know what it was though, and hadn't even noticed it earlier. so this whole year looks like symptoms started getting worse?)
-LOTS of splinter stuff in this one too (J GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE THIS ISNT YOUR GODDAMNED REALM!!!!! YOU AHVE NO FUCKING PWOER HERE GET OUT)
-"they're laughing over something they apparently find fucking hilarious...As a result of that stress, I don't remember the rest of the evening." (one of us, one of us)
-"Laurie was practically clawing at my eyes she wanted to get out and wreak judgment so badly" (WHAT HAPPENED TO HER??? she used to be just like us) (She softened, too much. Now she's worthless to justice in this system. It's our job now.)
-"they decided to stop at a kid's playground and just run around it. By this time I was actually numbing out, because fighting the situation was virtually impossible, and being in it was taking a severe toll on my mental well-being." (there is no memory of this entire day btw. just this written entry for data. but this is more proof of dissociation, WHO GOT THE MEMORIES???)
- "I immediately began to force myself to eat whatever sugar I could find. It's a barbaric and disgusting form of self-abuse, I know, but knowing my system, it was cruelly effective." (WHY THE FUCK DID THIS GO TO ONE OF US AND SHE DOESNT FUCKING CARE) (Hey, I don't get sick from it!) (WE DO YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!!!)
-"Laurie didn't try to stop me for once. On the contrary, she stood back, smiled, and told me to make myself sicker. I was shocked and asked her why she wanted me to, and she said because I was 'punishing myself' for once, and if I was going to do so, then I had better abuse myself to the point of no return. Being as stupid and sick as I was at the moment, I didn't realize that she was testing my resolve (to see if I would realize just how wrong the situation was), and so instead of stopping, I kept going, still fully aware that I did not want to. Once I got to the point where I was literally starting to get full-body physical pain, I thankfully stopped torturing myself and ran into the bathroom, as I felt as if I was about to spit up my entire digestive tract. Instead of that, though... I blanked out. I blanked out, and I was hacked." (Laurie acting like Knife, the old J dissociating AGAIN... and then they have the NERVE TO SAY WE DON'T EXIST YOU BASTARDS)
- "I mentally 'woke up' on a bed somewhere, where this blond woman was literally raping me. As I am unfortunately used to this by now, I simply shoved her off me and asked her what the heck she was doing. She seemed surprised and asked me 'what was going on,' because apparently I had been a 'different person' only seconds before. I wearily explained that I had apparently been 'taken over' by one of my alternate personalities. However, instead of explaining that I had been hacked by Julie, I said that I had been taken over by an individual named 'Josephina,' who I explained as being male like I was, but who was obsessed with seeing how people work (somehow this explained the previous situation)." (weird, did anyone down here know josephina before he joined the upstairs people or not??) (i dunno) (NO LOOK AT THAT BLONDE WOMAN SHE IS STILL DOWN HERE GOD DAMN IT) (oh my god she is she's one of them) ()
-"they were both allowing me to suffer so much. Laurie then clarified that they weren't allowing me to suffer, per se-- they were allowing me to make my own choices, which was true. I had every opportunity to stop both my own sickness and to stand up to Josephina, but I gave in on both counts" (BUT WE DO THIS AND THEY GET MAD AT US?????)
-"Josephina then explained that he wouldn't ever hurt me for the sake of abusing me-- if he ever did cause me pain, it would be absolutely unavoidable and for my own good only (whereas Laurie will beat me to a bloody mess every time I make a mistake). Anyway, they had apparently planned that whole fiasco, and were simply waiting for the right opportunity to test my willpower. As they sadly expected, I failed." (AAAAAARFGDHSASFSHHFSAEHKFSAEJKGHZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU WHY DID YOU LET THEM DO OUR JOB OKAY AND NOW THEY GAVE UP AND WERE DOING IT AND YOU HATE US YOU BITHC!!!!!!!!!YOUFUCKINGBITCHIHATEYOUSDAGHSZGABDMNSCBN,F SDZN
-"I swear if they don't stop doing whatever they're up to over there I'm just going to let Laurie right out, because ever since I stepped into this room she's been boiling with rage." (ARE YOU SURE IT WAS LAURIE YOU MOTHERFUCKER WASNT EVERYTHING TURNED BLACK ENERGY BACK THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE WASNT STABILIZED AND IT WAS US INSTEAD DAMN YOU DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-"Shut up, both of you. Stop it with the romance already. Just stop it. Stop it, stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it. If he touches me, I'm stepping right back from the steering wheel. I honestly cannot handle this right now." (MORE PROOF OF US?!?! HOW LONG DID WE EXIST BUT HE NEVER LET US HAVE LIVES?!?!??!)
-WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE AUTOPILOT DURING ALL THIS SHIT????
-also whoever this voice was he PISSES ME OFF
-"No ladies allowed... But this isn't me. I'm not this judgmental. Something is dreadfully wrong." (let me just leave this here because the ptsd misogyny was rampant as hell back then wow) (but yeah the ones you stuck it into are like what, five fucking years old? of course they're scared of women you idiot what do you expect) (SOEM OF US STILL HATE WOMEN YOU KNOW) (yeah and that is why)
-"Also, if those two make another dirty comment, I'm going to... I don't know. I'm going to have a meltdown. I'm going to have a meltdown and God help me if I do." (again, repeating ourselves here but holy shit how much of him was US back then? really guys this is getting kinda freaky)
- ink lyrics wow thats relevant


08 Aug 2010
-"I test their limits to see if they'll start to turn against me or not... This is exactly what I do to my family when I want them to punish me... I manipulate them." (Is that what he's doing to us now?) (why are you fucking surprised the bitch obviously still has this mindset) (NO HE DOESNT FUCKING CARE ANYMORE) (Is it even him we're punishing? How many of "him" are there?) (guys we really need a better way to talk in these things)
-"I still love the individuals I grew up with and it hurts so strangely to think of them, 2000 miles away." (wait WHAT?!?!???!) (wait shit this one remembered that stuff?? holy shit guys i think we found jess) (Don't be an ass, this one said he was a boy!) (yeah but didn't he say he was a boy back then too, he just didn't know it?) (So how old is THIS one now??)
- "I just came across a picture quote, declaring that the poster "wished she could be as carefree as a butterfly." And just what good is that going to do you, love? Throwing away all that matters enough to you to make you care in the first place, just to flit about without any motives or purpose?" (ahaha oh my god that's exactly what j is doing now though) (So this person is OBVIOUSLY not him.)
-"I'm not even aware of what I'm doing anymore. I guess at reactions and answers and behaviors, conjuring up every next move in the asinine hope that it'll be 'right' for whoever the heck I'm acting to. Geez, I don't even life my life for me... I just rip out the seams and fix my ragged self up to fit whoever picks me up next. I'm forgetting my original pattern, I'm in a ton of pain, but even complaining makes me feel like a selfish jerk. It makes no sense. Is it possible to have a 'self' without being 'selfish?' Because if it isn't, I don't know how I'll survive another year." (presented without comment?)
-WHO WAS THIS PERSON????!
-even better, how do they remember so much?? thats's my question, none of us have any clue what he's talking about in here
-The memories feel female. Either he's lying about his gender, or he was dissociated when typing this and wasn't even aware of it. But the person writing that entry was obviously a woman.
-hey you think it was the old jewel?? doesnt look like they even mnetioned headpsace at all now that you mention i t


06 Aug 2010
-"Yeah, I'm more of a high-spectrum dude, but red is still my personal color" (what) ("High-spectrum dude?" Pray tell.) (so this IS the old red person, obviously not the "jayce" we were told about then)
-"You see that allusion to the syrup-voiced professor? Total Julie trigger. Add that to the claustrophobic classroom, the inane subject matter, and the lewd jokes over ancient 'art,' and you have a guaranteed panic attack three times a week. Yes, I was well aware that the class was required for my major, but so help me, it was traumatic. Not much I could do there. I don't remember any of the other classes that semester, which is a problem..." (again, do any of us remember this) (NO AND THAT PSISES ME OFF WHY DID HE THINK HE COULD JUST DO THAT SHIT!)!
-"I'm also very confused by the fact that I seem to be turning into a hypocrite again. I say one thing to people and feel an entirely different thing. That's where most of my non-dysphoric problems are coming from..." (HMMM I WONDER WHY????)


06 Aug 2010
-"Nice to finally meet you" (ahahahahaa)
-"So I'm Ahrima?" (obviously 'cuz the new guy's adakias haha) (c'mon someone high-five me that was funny)
-oh my god this person's ego is astronomical (THATS HWHAT I SAID)))
-seriously though does that "adakias" name have any real meaning to him? because this dream is interesting (We should check it later.)
-"Where are my lamps? What could possibly make me want to destroy them? Or would I even realize what I was doing?" (Look downstairs. The lamps are underground, where they're needed. Unfortunately, you're too convinced of your own glory to settle for buried lights shining brighter than you often do...)
-"It must hurt so bad with a knife in your back." (Oh, what fitting sarcasm. I like this musical already.)


05 Aug 2010
-"So hey guys. Jayce here...I've been 'trying out' the name for several months now (a year? geez I have no clue) and it really... well, it fits." (Are you even supposed to "try out" names? I was told they click into place, and that's that.) (well we've already agreed that this obviously isn't 100% "jayce" so)
- "Sure, I've been pretty terrifically psyched with the work I've done, but with the kid in the mirror? Nah. I always disassociated, and although I will freely admit that I still am, at least the image I'm projecting makes me honestly smile." (WHOA WHAT HE ADMITTED THIS?????) (this feels really weird like wasn't nathaniel alive back then) (Who, the moth guy upstairs? No, he was dead for years from what I've heard.) (but the data says he used to work with mirrors, this sounds like "jayce" is completely ignoring that) (I don't have a very flattering opinion of this "Jayce" character from what I've read.)
-"See, I tend to forget experiences in their entirety, and if I do retain a memory, my mind tends to 'chop it up' to keep it from traumatizing or otherwise damaging me." (Glad to see he's at least aware of what made us back then.)
-"Fun fact #1: I cannot stand random, spontaneous schedules." (well THAT'S definitely not our airplane man)
-"once the first hint of saltwater air hit me I snapped." (i thought j loved beaches) ("Jayce" doesn't, obviously.) (how much has change d between tmhem?)
-"I was not very stable when I woke up, and when I heard we were apparently headed to a farm, the panic meter shot back up. As I was too shaken to think straight, my coping was limited to biting my arms until they bruised. Once again I can't remember what happened over the rest of that day" (Who used to bite??) (THERE'S A MEMORY OF THAT MORNING IT WAS ONE OF US someone was standing at the bathroom mirror really angry and rageful that's OUR MEMORY but who is it??) (the biting person obviously?) (WHO BITES??) (emmett?) (NO NOT FOOD BITING HURT BITING WHO BITES) (i dunno man, i don't know any biters) (That's something we need to find out, if that memory really is ours.)
-Jay says he has no memory of this bus trip. (WHA T THE FUCK I TOLD HIM TO GET THE HELL OUTO FHERE) He's not in here. He simply expressed the thought. He does not have any recollection of this trip to "Des Moines" at all. I'm still grasping how this works; does that mean it's ours? (Maybe. I think the majority of these memories are unassigned, though, or stuck to floating voices. You know the ones.) Hm, could be. (...Still feels like that girl, though. Maybe even a few of them?) We'll figure it out. Just keep an eye out for anyone with these memories from now on. (Gotcha.)
-more family talk geez mulberry you might be right (What, that this author was strongly connected to the host body?) yeah basically
-"I'm the only one who can live my life, and despite my being pulled in so many different directions, my vision is clearing up for the first time." (Is it really.) (haha ouch talk about a burn) (THERE'S THAT STUPID DENYING US AGAIN DAMN IT "ONLY ONE" MY ASS)))


05 Aug 2010
-"Just me, in all my awesome white-haired glory..." (weeow weeow ego alert) (Hey, do you think this kid was the corrupted White energy back then?) (What? Is that possible?) (It could be. I'm learning a lot too. From what we heard of the Tar yesterday morning, and what these journals sound like, it might be possible.) (So it is... I wonder if they even know.) (Probably not. I've noticed they can't get their shit together.) (probably because they don't have sherlock working for them) (He sounds like he had a hand in some of those old entries, don't laugh.) (did you) (I doubt it. There's nothing professional about those torrents of teenage angst at all.) (haha guess not)



That is all for reviewing the old entries, I suppose. They've now been cleared out of this journal as well.
As you can see, we're all experimenting with a conversational style here? I wonder if the Xanga formats the upstairs system uses has any merit. We'll have to give it a try.



until next time guys and gals we're outta here
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[16 Jul 2013|05:04pm]
We're considering leaving a few old, relevant entries here until we review them.

Our system has been ignored for many years but it looks like the beginnings of it are held in here.

We do not know who "Jayce" is, let alone whether or not he still exists, as we have never met him nor heard anything about him from anyone upstairs or down here.
If he ever does show his face, we will inform you of it.

Speaking of faces, let us begin this journal with our current two goals.

1. Help all the unnamed but living individuals on this level find names.
2. Help those same individuals find their faces.

It is a known fact, an unbreakable rule of headspace, that a voice cannot manifest with any strength, nor can they interact with any semblance of continuous clarity, until they find a name. An unnamed voice with a face will have an advantage, as it gives them something to anchor to temporarily, but even they will fade in time unless they are given a title of their own.
Names have power. They allow us to be summoned, and acknowledged, even by those who do not willingly accept that we exist. Most importantly, they are a testament to our lives.
Once we all have our own, we may be able to stand up to the upper system, as our own coherent force. Until then they have power over us.

But I am reconsidering my previous thoughts on our situation. Yes, there is my group of voices on this catacomb level, and yes, Central exists as its own single unit. However there are voices, most of them without faces or names as well, that associate with no one. They are rogues, giving no thought to ANY of our well-beings, and I do not know how to take retribution out upon them when I cannot even pinpoint their presences.
I am confused, shaken, and somewhat tired existentially. Yet I am not questioning my role. That, for once, is certain.
These rogue voices may rightly be considered a sub-system of their own. If this is the case, then so be it. But I will try to convert as many of them as I can to our side before I dare to simply sit back and accept their deviant behavior.

That is our first update. This has been Knife speaking. I wish you well.
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[16 Jul 2013|03:12am]



Hello.

This journal now has several new authors.

We will be clearing out the old entries in here tomorrow evening.
(Everything prior to this entry is a repost of old relevant data.)

As for what happens after that, well... we shall see.

But it feels good, to have our own place to go to now.



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[15 Jul 2013|07:35am]


( not j and we're all really mad at him)

binging first thing in the morning
NICE FUCKING JOB

when did food become non-lethal to you?
newsflash
IT DIDN'T TO US
IT CAN STILL KILL US
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

the body's in so much pain we can barely walk
how the hell are we supposed to function when you're being so careless with our only fucking body
the only fucking thing we have to live in
DON'T YOU CARE
DON'T YOU CARE THAT WE'RE ALL TRAPPED IN HERE
DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT WE SUFFER TOO

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you.

and your goddamn fucking timblr
log in today and the first fucking thing in the dash is P*RN
GUESS WHO I JUST UNFOLLOWED
I'M GOING TO UNFOLLOW EVERYONE THAT WE DON'T LIKE
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHETHER YOU APPROVE OR NOT

we won't be ignored anymore
we won't be pushed under the rug anymore
WE'RE TAKING CONTROL UP IN HERE NOW
WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO LIVE TOO
WE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.
you insist youre alone that youre the only one here
guess what thats wrong
we're here too
AND WE WANT TO BE HEARD
WE WANT TO LIVE
WE WON'T PUT UP WITH YOU FUCKING AROUND WITH US ANYMORE!!!

leave us the fuck alone
stop making US pay for your bad decisions
you fucking slut

knife is gonna get you
he's gonna get you
we're all gonna get you
you just earned yourself more stripes bitch
I'M SO EXCITED
I GET TO BLEED YOU AGAIN

we're outta here, we're not dealing with her AND you
rest assured we're not disappearing.

Whenever you see this, J, take it as your final warning.
Take it as your last stab at "freedom."
You are not alone in here and we will not let you pretend to be.
You are not free from the consequences of your actions either, and we will not let you run from them anymore, pushing the pain onto US instead.
You are a selfish bitch.
You are a selfish fucking bastard, to justify making your fucking ALTERS SUFFER JUST BECAUSE "WE WERE BORN FROM THE PAIN ANYWAY"
FUCK YOU
I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS SHIT
THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT


if i didn't know better
i'd start fronting and make YOU pay for my "wrongdoings"
how would yuo like that?
how would YOU like to know what it's like for once?

fuck you

we're alive
we're not dead
we exist
and we won't let you fucking use us anymore.

happy new year bitch

it's game over for you now.

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[10 Jul 2013|10:19pm]


(not j)

i hate this
my mom is home for the first time in weeks and she wont leave
shes staying over tonight which is worse
every time shes around i spend the whole day trying to avoid her
so i dont get sucked into her happy mask acting games
and her silly obsessions over material things
its 10pm and i honestly feel like i just woke up
because i DO NOT REMEMBER ANYTHING about today thanks mom
obviously ive been dissociated this whole time thats lovely
all i know is that someone was binging as theres a ton of food in the fridge
i dont think we drank anything? the body feels extremely sick
not sure if anyone saw the left arm were strangely terrified about it
never been that scared of cuts before but were not even trying to hide these?
go figure its really bizarre and disturbing
school tomorrow, writing first speech and taking first math test
i love math whee our teacher is from our high school hes so cool
so im looking forward to that but not the whole "going to school" thing
which is weird? like i adore the classes but the getting there is stressful
the waking up and getting ready and driving and stuff
cant i just teleport there geez
at least we get to talk to genesis the whole time thats nice
found a lot of beautiful stuff on soundcloud today
its such a deep website thats why i love the internet
we have such an obsession with depth
finding websites we can plunge into is euphoria
like pixiv oh man i miss that site
but i dont miss the nsfw art everywhere ewwwww
why do people even draw that stuff its terrifying
same with tumblr guys please stop drawing p*rn
i dont want it anywhere near me thank you
anyway soundcloud is beautiful so many nice sounds
gonna have to escape there for a bit maybe before we sleep
the mom wont leave lots of us are scared of her, some of us hate her
oh now i remember someone got really mad at her earlier? not sure why
but we dont want to be around her anymore today
we lost our day off to hiding and acting around her, poof its gone
not her fault, our fault for not being able to function around her
but cant leave the house. so stuck.
how many people are writing this thing
see this is why i wish we could write as fast as typing
cant tell apart different typing styles easily but the switches are fast
lots of cofronting and bleedover and stuff
writing is so slow and lots of people forget how to write
or the ap buffer gets in the way too much
not here its so easy to just turn off body sensation and just type
so thats what we do

nothing else to say for tonight this is a waste entry
jewel says stop clogging up the adakias journal with our stuff
you know i miss the days when i had at least 5 active journals
i could at least categorize updates according to who wrote them
or what group was writing them, god only knows at this point
now things are crazier than ever but everythings stuck in here?
go figure thats ironic and ridiculous
so yeah we gotta find a new side journal for this stuff instead
so only j will update the adakias journal like hes supposed to

time to bed goodnight

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