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[05 May 2006|05:00pm] |
I walked away from suicide today.
Back to where it all began.
It's funny to be in a different place
with a different history
but remarkably similar in my heart.
I miss you.
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(1 shard | break the glass)
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[21 Nov 2005|09:35am] |
There are a few who may know that the 19th was the one year anniversary of myself and scrudder.
May I say, the journey has been fantastic. Someone somewhere said that God has given us a full length mirror in our spouses - boy is that true! I thought I was a pretty nice person and come to find out I can be mean, unforgiving, intolerant, judgemental, rude, angry, etc. etc. Marriage is really super hard! I am afraid one must confront the worst - not in their spouse, but in themselves.
I've been going to a bible study on marriage for a while now, and you could say the theme of it is the idea that 'a cord of three strands is not easily broken'. It's been a revelation to me.
And on the subject of marriage, I have the best husband in the whole world. I have the kind of husband who surprises me with gifts after only hearing once that I liked something. He found my favorite candy and just spontaneously brought home boxes of it! He brings out the best in me, encourages me, helps me, loves me, and well, I just wanted to state that publically so strangers could read about it. I love you John! I almost feel like a normal person, which to be perfectly honest is scaring me pretty bad, but it's wonderful.
I love you!
Me
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(4 shards | break the glass)
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[16 Nov 2005|10:47pm] |
alone
the eyes of strangers on me
it's cold and silent
still except for the breath, my own heartbeat
"no one loves you"
the trembling in my knees
the dry throat, the words stuck
the swell of fear in my belly
a new place, new people
forced smiles
shadows
puppets
people
I watch him walk away.
he walks alone in a crowd of adoration
but i am that few, that one -
the serenade of endless neediness
wraps around the house
the echoes
and I'm paralyzed
no one loves you
no one.
No crowds of adoration here
No lover’s breath
No lover’s touch
No mother’s kiss
Or shoulder to lean on
Phantoms all
Everyone has left
“I didn’t even think to ask your family to all get together and buy you something special!”
A wry smile. A futile effort.
My family is scattered on the wind, connected like breath is to grass.
So what is family anyway?
Earlier I thought I knew. Earlier I threw words of love into a void of hate. Words of encouragement, acceptance, genuine affection…
“You aren’t grateful! You don't understand me!”
The memories that aren’t mine still bite some times
Mostly in the dark hours
Or when I’m alone
I look at the scars I carry
Ribbons of ripped and healed flesh streaking my body
Ugly
Deformed
Miserable
And I feel like a child without a mother.
How can the perpetrator accuse the victim?
“You wore that - you wanted it -”
Sometimes I think it’s all the same.
“No one loves you”
Nothing but the silent hum of an empty house to answer.
when there should have been warm arms, warm heart, soft hands, sweet breath...
you don't know how to love.
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(break the glass)
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[03 Oct 2005|03:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Robots" - dumb movie |
] |
Original To Do List:
Bathe kids
Buy hubby special surprise present
Make important phone calls I've been putting off for months.
Finish all the laundry - including rewashing clean clothes that apparently smell slightly musty
Scrub the kitchen floor
Rearrange the kids' dressers
Look at fabric for kids' rooms and living room
Design glass project
Visit upstairs neighbor
Write article for MOPs
Do preschool
Keep Meg going to the bathroom
Make shopping list...
etc etc
Revised To Do List:
Bathe kids
Clean poo out of the tub (don't ask)
Feed baby (all day)
Change baby (all day)
Argue with hubby for no reason
Die under pile of dirty diapers
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(break the glass)
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[03 Oct 2005|02:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crushed |
] |
I am in such an incredibly bad mood. I mean an awful horrible mood. I am disgusted with life in general and my life in specific.
The good thing about moods is that they pass.
'Course depending on the mood it's also a bad thing.
I've been having nightmares for days now. Watched a series called "Lost" on DVD. I think that's why the nightmares.
The baby was sleeping through the night but now she is waking up five or six times. I have had permanent dark circles under my eyes for years so I think I look about the same as always.
Germany is beautiful - I love it. I love fall. The kids love it here, too. I can't believe I am living in a differnt country! I've always wanted to.
Well the baby woke up from her all-too-brief nap. Soon I'll be spending my days running after her and praying she doesn't try to eat the houseplants. At least now she can't crawl.
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(break the glass)
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[11 Jul 2005|05:06pm] |
I am drowning.
In expectations. In apologies. In misunderstandings. In grief. In failure. In good intentions.
Drowning so fast.
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(break the glass)
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| w00t! |
[09 Jul 2005|07:02pm] |
|
You're Watership Down!
by Richard Adams
Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
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(break the glass)
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| *cry* |
[01 Jul 2005|10:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
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guster a bit ago... then postal service... |
] |
k, just going to say this. I am so lonely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why is it no one is ever home or available when you just feel like you can't take one more step without having a complete and total meltdown? This isn't something I really want to dump on anyone anyway... so here you go Blurty.
I have a lot to do... people are coming tomorrow, so I should be happy, but I feel nervous and overwhelmed and underprepared. Bleh. I am short tempered and irritable and hypersensitive and moody, too. (Yeah, I don't want to be around me, either.) But mostly I'm just so inconsolably lonesome. : (
At least Abigail is asleep and Ben and Meg are happy watching Monsters Inc.
Well, back to work. Ciao!
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(break the glass)
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| Lullaby fly |
[23 Jun 2005|07:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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suckle suckle slurp |
] |
Sweetums lay your ugly head
down upon your wretched bed
close your eyes and go to sleep
Cause you're just a stupid creep.
Accuracy is only interesting - that's how we remember it. ^^
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(break the glass)
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[14 Jun 2005|12:21pm] |
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She is so small she uses a washcloth for a blanket!
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(break the glass)
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[13 Jun 2005|05:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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scissor sisters |
] |
i know
that i have finally lost it
because
i am listening to the scissor sisters and liking it.
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(break the glass)
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[11 Jun 2005|01:24am] |
one more tally
like a branding
it's a mark I hold against you
one more
like all the rest
and I'm up at 01:30
I'd cry if I could feel
spider spinning spinning
hail pounding
the house is shivering
water from a faucet
dripping
I can't turn off
the dogs were barking
before the storm hit
and now the streets are quiet.
I blame you
for forcing me
to endure this
when it could so easily
be ended.
It's one more tally
I hold against you
one more mark
but you don't care.
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(break the glass)
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[09 Jun 2005|05:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Smashbrothers |
] |
after all this time... could it be finally over?
God I hope so. Please.
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(break the glass)
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| And it feels like... |
[08 Jun 2005|06:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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audrey's smile |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Day to day living! |
] |
this morning the place was choked with memories, ghosts to walk through... or so I thought...
oh but the truth is...
today
I am falling in love with you all over again.
we are my summer storm and I love us because I love you.
today
I can smell the rain and feel it in my soul
it washes
caresses
the soft forms of hearts
against thunder
and I, we, are born again.
A soul kiss, the french say, and why not? I would kiss you a thousand times and still be starting to say 'I love you'.
Maybe one could say that you lent me thread to keep me together through another day. But however it is, whyever, I love you more for it all.
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(2 shards | break the glass)
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| Invisible (Excepttoone) |
[07 Jun 2005|06:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hidden |
] |
| [ |
music |
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f a l l i n g a p a r t a t t h e s e a m s |
] |
I am torn. The tides rise and fall and my thoughts with them. It's a fine line, or maybe a great chasm; I'm never really sure. All I know is: one misstep and I'm done.
This is what it is to be me.
Right now.
I am breastfeeding a newborn infant.
(How talented am I that I can type at the same time?)
But my mind is elsewhere, trying to roam the future I suppose. Being any place but now is bad. Now, I should be happy. My toddlers are behaving, my infant daughter is happy, the fading sunlight is drifting into my house in a nice languid summer sort of way. My mother-in-law has turned out to be someone nice and a great help to me. My house is clean (my laundry is done!) and everything, for the moment, is at peace and in order.
But I am uneasy.
I am afraid. I am frustrated. I am alone.
There are problems on the horizon that I don't have the faintest clue how to solve. My oldest son and transportation being formost in my mind. Passing problems but they really grate at me. There are other issues, shadows...
I'll be honest. I am having a great difficulty just keeping the strings fastened that hold me together. (I am Jennifer's jacket!) It's an up and down ride. I've dropped thirty million sizes in less than two weeks. (It was great putting on a pair of jeans, but geez how much can my body take? Still this is the only time I get to drop to my 4-6 body and keep my size 12 breasts... if only it were worth something...)
I just feel estranged. I am still kind of reeling from everything. I am lost at sea,
only the sea is my bathtub.
I forgot what it is to be a walking milk machine! I used to think about buying a cowbell - oh I just noticed that I'm dressed all in black and white. It made me laugh somewhere on the inside.
(I know I sound like a pessimist when I write here, but I've realized that I'm really an optimist who's over compensating.)
Only these last few days I've been seasick too. I'm sorry to the ones I love. I can't seem to keep it all inside any more.
One time when I was 11 or 12 I was riding my bike and I made a miscalculation and ended up driving right off an elevated piece of blacktop and diving into the gravel some feet below. You know when you fall... and you know that you're falling... and everything becomes slow motion... but even though it's in slow motion, you can't add any extra actions or stop what is happening... but only watch in horror?
That's me right now.
Falling.
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(break the glass)
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