||[16 Sep 2003|06:59pm]
ok so yeah... little background for ya... i started talking to lee in march online... we talked everyday up until recently... she said she loved me, and i concured... we never did end up meeting at all, because she has this trust isuue... one of her ex bf's stabbed her and tried to kill her... so it's understandable... well, we haven't talked in a little over 2 weeks, she didn't return my calls or anything, and deleted her sns... i was in a chat room the other day when i was bored out of my mind and she was in there... so it's obvious she was just avoiding me... and she was blocking me so i couldn't even IM her... so she e-mailed me today:
look, i know this has been shitty for you, but i told you i needed space, and now you're hunting down other screennames and coming into chat rooms and stuff, and its starting to freak me out a little bit. i'm in a tough spot right now and it sucks, but this is where i am, and i need to be alone. i'm sorry if i'm hurting you, but i need to do what i need to do for me.
so yeah, she finally unblocked me and we talked:
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:25 AM]: ok, i'm really sorry if i wasn't giving you your space, i mean, i've barely been talking to you lately
VooDooGlowSticks [9:26 AM]: stop appologizing
VooDooGlowSticks [9:26 AM]: jeez, i'm not mad at you
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:26 AM]: and i wasn't stalking you, i just happened to see you in the room
VooDooGlowSticks [9:26 AM]: ok.
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:26 AM]: so you don't want to talk to me anymore?
VooDooGlowSticks [9:27 AM]: look, this isn't fair to you at all
VooDooGlowSticks [9:27 AM]: i just think you deserve and need more
VooDooGlowSticks [9:27 AM]: and i can't give it to you
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:27 AM]: well, have your feelings changed? do you not love me anymore?
VooDooGlowSticks [9:27 AM]: i didn't say that
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:27 AM]: i know, i'm just asking
VooDooGlowSticks [9:28 AM]: i just think its best for us to go our separate ways right now
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:28 AM]: but if you love me, and i love you, how is that best?
VooDooGlowSticks [9:28 AM]: because i'm not there, and i'm not gonna be there for a while
VooDooGlowSticks [9:28 AM]: and i can't handle this right now
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:28 AM]: and i'm fine with that, i'm not going anywhere
VooDooGlowSticks [9:28 AM]: well i'm not fine with it
VooDooGlowSticks [9:29 AM]: how can you sit here and take it?
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:29 AM]: because i love you?
VooDooGlowSticks [9:29 AM]: well its not right
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:29 AM]: so then just not talk to each other anymore? and avoid our feelings?
VooDooGlowSticks [9:30 AM]: look kenny i'm sorry, i just can't do this like this anymore
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:30 AM]: so what do you want? us to be just friends? us not to talk anymore? what?
VooDooGlowSticks [9:31 AM]: i just want to be alonnnnnnnne
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:32 AM]: so why do thigs have to change for you to be alone?
VooDooGlowSticks [9:33 AM]: kenny jesus christ, i can't deal with this
VooDooGlowSticks [9:33 AM]: my mom is dying and i just can't deal with THIS
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:34 AM]: well, can we at least still talk?
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:34 AM]: and keep in touch
VooDooGlowSticks [9:34 AM]: well i'm not going to never speak to you again
VooDooGlowSticks [9:35 AM]: i just talk to you and i feel all this pressure and shit and i just can't anymore
VooDooGlowSticks [9:35 AM]: i can barely deal with my own head
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:35 AM]: i'm sorry you feel that way, i'm not putting any pressure
VooDooGlowSticks [9:36 AM]: you're not understanding me at all
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:37 AM]: ok, so you and me = big break
VooDooGlowSticks [9:38 AM]: no, i'm not talking about that
VooDooGlowSticks [9:38 AM]: omg
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:38 AM]: you said you wanted to be alone right now
VooDooGlowSticks [9:38 AM]: i do want to be alone right now
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:39 AM]: so then you don't want a me and you right now
VooDooGlowSticks [9:39 AM]: because every time i talk to you i feel like i'm a shitty person, i feel like you are way too attached and i feel like crying all the time. its not anything you're doing, i just want to be alone and deal with my mom and that be the only thing i have to worry about, but every time i talk to you, then all i do is worry about you and whether or not you're getting hurt. now i'm hurting you anyway. i just can't be in the in between anymore kenny, i can't
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:40 AM]: you're not hurting me
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:40 AM]: i completely understand your situation
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:41 AM]: and it sux that you feel that way whenever you talk to me.. cause i like talking to you, you're an aweosome person
VooDooGlowSticks [9:42 AM]: so what the fuck do you want me to do here
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:42 AM]: ok, i really care about you, and i just want you to be happy
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:43 AM]: so i guess i want you to do whatever you ahve to do
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:43 AM]: but i'd like if we still talked from time to time, you know, tell me what you've been up to, how you're doing and stuff
VooDooGlowSticks [9:43 AM]: fair enough
CHunKy MiLk06 [9:44 AM]: that's enough for now, who knows what will happen in the future
VooDooGlowSticks [9:44 AM]: ok
we shot the shit so to speak for a little while, but she was being very short with me, and obviously was just humoring me... blah.. i'm so upset, i feel like she tore my heart out and jumped up and down on it, then laughed in my face... how do you do this to someone you "love"?