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Saturday, December 24th, 2005
12:58 am - its been a long time
so i found my blurty again on the computer...sooo funny to look back and read all of that. that was eight months ago!! way too much has happend to write about it all, but in a nutshell, kevin came home from school and we started dating again. talk about freakin drama, tho. hes such a player, now looking back i really wish i hadnt been so blind and naive to see that he was still talking to other girls when he was apparently with me. i did find out about one girl (bc who really knows how many there were), and i got angry and decided to get even. I slept with a guy i used to see and who is also friends with kevin. that caused quite a fight between us and he actually made me feel really guilty about it even tho he was out doing whatever. so we were on and off for the rest of the summer, and once the end of august hit, i dont know what happend but something snapped in him. he called me at like 4 am to tell me he loved me and all that romantic garbage. after that we decided to be "officially" boyfriend/girlfriend. Seemed perfect, being that we were both going to the same college....my life was real good. Once I got down to school I was meeting sooo many new people and not to mention some cute guys, so my life got hectic and i really didnt even see kevin as much as i should have. slowly things started falling apart, we fought sooo much and the next thing i knew i was suspicious he was cheating on me with some girl. i decided i couldnt cry over him anymore, i didnt wanna be one of those girls who deals with an asshole boyfriend for so long. we broke up about two months after i got to college....it was really rough. i was miserable for a few days, but going out and being with my friends made me feel better. kevin and i started talking less than a month later, though, and before i knew it we were hooking up again.. i really didnt want it to be like that. i didnt want him to have all the power and control. i just loved having him there to talk to again, and having something to look forward to if he asked me to hang out or something. im pathetic i know. a girl who i hadnt really been friends with started talking to me, and she also happend to be in the same sorority as the girl i suspected he cheated on me with. she basicaly told me that they had in fact been an item and some other details i would have rather not known, but needed to. i bitched kevin out for everything, for making me feel so bad and for treating me like a piece of shit. i blocked him entirely out of my life for an entire week, just bc i couldnt let myself cave and forgive him quickly (or at all). things havent been the same since. ... not that i want them to. we talked about shit and basically i came to the conclusion i will never really knwo what happend, cause he wont ever admit it and i dont know who to believe. we havent talked in a few weeks now at all, not even as friends. i guess that was the problem tho. we never can be "just friends". i still love him and even though he probably doesnt exactly feel the same way i do, im still disappointed things didnt work out in the end. but who knows what will happen from here.......

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Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
5:05 pm - its been a while..
wow a lot has happened over the last couple weeks. i know i havent updated in a while, but i have just been sooo busy. well, last weekend kevin was in for easter break. chris and i still were hanging out but we hadnt hooked up or anything, and he was in florida for easter. we didnt establish ourselves as a couple or antyhing, because it still was too early. ok so i know i shouldnt have, because i am stronger than this, but kevin and i hung out and we hooked up. god it was so nice being with him again, that now i dont even want to hang out with chris anymore. and its so shitty because i was actually making progress, sure i wasnt head over heels for chris or anything, but i thought i actually cared for him. now thats just all down the drain because kevin has to fucking walk back into my life and take over once again. kevin and his gf broke up, hes in the area, its a perfect scenario i guess. well now hes back at college and we havent talked about the fact that we hooked up again or what it meant (if antyhing), just stupid little conversations about stupid little things. i dont know the next time im going to see him, but college lets out the first week of may, so its only a month away til hes home for good. ahhhh i odnt even know what to do or what to think. :( this is horrible. i feel so bad about fucking up everything with chris but theres no point to lead him on when kevin is all im thinking about. i really hate kevin for having the power to just waltz back into my life whenever he pleases and no matter what i have going on, it doesnt matter. he knows i would do anything for him. blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
7:48 pm
I'm sick today. It sucks, I havent been sick all winter until now.
I hung out with Chris last night. We just watched a movie at his house....it was fun. I think we have a connection. Maybe we actually will have something. That wouldnt be such a bad thing...he's seriously the nicest guy I've ever met. It's just sooo nice not to feel second...second to his friends or other girls or anything. I kinda do hope that we eventually do have a relationship. When I'm with him I don't think about Kevin. I think I need Chris to help me get over him

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Saturday, March 12th, 2005
12:42 am
i am sooo tired. i stayed out last night and partied until around 6:30 am. it was sooo fun.....kevin was there. we talked and it all in all was good, but i hate knowing at the end up the night i'm not going to be falling asleep in his arms. i know he misses me...i can tell by the way he looks at me. i swear i can feel his eyes on me, i dont know how many times i would look up and make this ackward eye contact with him. why cant he just give us a fucking chance? i can wait but at the same time i just cant. last night i hooked up with a guy who i used to see over the summer. i hadnt seen him in a while, and i dont know, but i just wanted to make kevin jealous. i think i did, because he knew we saw each other over the summer and he used to get real pissed about it. good, he deserves a slap in the face. he imed me a couple times today, which is unusual, but whatever. i cant do this to myself anymore. so tonight i hung out with chris, the guy from last week who i went on a date with. he invited me and my friend to hang out at this kids house, and it was kinda weird bc chris's ex gf was there. she still likes him a lot apparently, so i wasnt sure if she was like glaring at me across the room or if she had no idea. it was pretty much the first time i had ever met her, so i dont know if she knows who i am. these boy situations drive me insane. maybe i just need a break from the dating scene for a while to gather my thoughts. blah.

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Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
2:46 pm - wrote this for kevin
Let go of these feelings
Let go of the past
I should have been smarter than this
I knew it would never last.
I always knew you were different
You made me feel something new
and even though I never said it
I was always happiest around you.
'Cause you had that crazy way
of making everything in this world
fade away....
We were perfect in that bent puzzle piece
kind of way
We never made sense
but that's what made me stay.
I never could say no to you
and you knew it too
You could ask me for the stars
and I'd bring you the moon, too.
But those perfect moments in time
wouldn't be as perfect without the hard ones
Lord knows there were enough hard ones..
You left, and I was too scared to stop you
I couldn't accept it was over.
The memories drove me insane
Those perfect summer nights..
now etched with a broken heart's pain.
I prayed things would turn around
maybe you would come home to me
But you're heart drifted away...
Your life was in full spin as mine stood still.
and then she came into your life, exciting and new
What does she give you that I didn't?
There's no way she loves you like I do.
I miss you more than this pen can write
It hurts to know you're ove me
when I'm still so wrapped up in you..
One day maybe you will finally see
you gave a good thing up
The day you let go of me....

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Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
12:30 pm - Boooo snow
Yuck its snowing here again. This totally sucks, yesterday was 60 degrees and sunny. wtf!! :(

I read something before that made me think. Someone posted in emolyrics a quote about not trying to forget the past or take it back, because everything that has happend to us has made us the people that we are, and without those memories, we wouldnt be the same. It's an interesting concept. I like it.

So heres a little update on the boy situationssss:
Chris and I are probably going to hang out tonight (if mother nature allows). I am looking forward to it, hes a nice guy. I need a nice guy in my life, I have a problem with going for all the players/assholes. Dont know why, I'm just attracted to that.
Kevin is in Connecticut at his effin gfs house. Tell me how that is going to work? he doesnt have his own car, and we live about 3 1/2 hours away from CT. Once college lets out for the summer I really dont know how thats going to work. But whatever. I hope hes happy..... even if its not with me. :( I miss him.

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Saturday, March 5th, 2005
10:07 am - I love the weekend
alright, last night was awesome. the date went really well, it wasnt ackward or anything and i really did have a good time. hes a really down to earth person, i just dont want to get my hopes up. after the date, my 3 friends and i went down to our friends apartment, and he had a couple people over. we had such a good time. i havent just relaxed and laughed so hard in a while. it felt nice, i love my friends so much. kevin was supposed to stop by the apartment, but i guess he ended up just going home. i had butterflies in my stomach when i heard he might come over, but i wasnt really disappointed or anything when he didnt bc i had so much fun as it was. tonight we probably will all hang out again. im excited. so after we got back to my friend elyse's house at like 3 am, the guy i went on the date with, chris, texted elyse and was like so is aurelia feelin me? i had such an awesome time with her so fill me in. yay! at least he had a good time too and it wasnt just in my head. also, another pretty interesting thing happend... this guy who i hooked up with a while ago and havent talked to in forever called me last night, he must have been real drunk. he told me to come to this party he was at, and he called THREE times asking me to go.... hmmmmm....

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Friday, March 4th, 2005
2:58 pm
the truest love is that which weakens the soul
and fights any distance


the date is still on for tonight. i think this will be good for me. i need to get myself out there and realize that maybe it would be okay to move on... its hard because i still have such strong feelings for kevin(aka asshole), but i cant sit home on a friday night staring at my cell phone and waiting for a call that wont come. we cant be together right now. im just going to try to have fun for the rest of my senior year and live it up. i never wanted my happiness to be based on a boy, and the past months it has been. that needs to end...

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1:21 pm - It's always better when we're together....
so my old beau comes back into town tonight for spring break... I wonde if I will see him at all. there's a party next friday at one of our mutual friend's house so there is a chance i will see him there. i have only seen him once since he got the new girlfriend and it is ackward between us. he gave me a hug hello and a kiss on the cheek...we had a little small talk, but we were at a party so its not like we could have really talked anyway. Then he just gave me a hug and another kiss on the cheek goodbye.. I was disappointed we didnt get to talk more but i have to keep reminding myself that i cant have him anymore. sometimes im scared i will never find anyone else who makes me feel like he does. i dont even know what it is about him.. my friends all tell me i could do better and so on, but to me, there is nothing better than him. if i could only be with him again i would never let go, thats for sure. i know time changes everything but its been 3 years, and the only thing that has changed is the fact that i love him more. i wish i could just tell him... maybe one day when the moment is right, when there are no other people in the picture, and when i know he feels it back, i will tell him. Maybe....

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Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
10:55 pm - exciteddd
so i cant wait for the weekend. why, you ask?? well...... this really nice/ cute boy asked me on a date. I am genuinely excited about it, because i really need someone to take my mind off asshole..who by the way Imed me earlier. wtf. i know this is for the best, even though i dont want to move on, sometimes you just have to do the right thing. im just hoping tomorrow goes well. we are going to an ice hockey game and then a movie so it should be fun at least. everyone cross your fingers for me . =) gnite

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Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
2:50 pm - This one's for you...
so i'll turn out all the lights and just listen to the rain
these restless nights i lie awake
memories of us always seems to get the best of me
you got the best of me
oh just maybe ..yea i think i'm getting better with time
i'm still hurting i'll give you that much
but now almost every time i see you
it makes me wish nothing between us had gone past a second glance
but you know that i'm a sucker for blue eyes
so maybe i'll get some sleep tonight
only first i'll promise and remember to tuck away all my memories of us
All my memories of you


he kills me...

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10:57 am - Just another day...
Today is a "blah" kind of day... it snowed about 10 inches here the past 2 days. I effin hate the winter!! I miss everything about summer. Thank God its just around the corner. A little ode to summertime- "No one will forget the *summer nights* we used to wait out winter for." Why is everything always so much better in the summetime anyways? Hmmm...

My friend had a really awesome away message up before-
“Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart.”- Sex in the City
so true =) Gotta <3 that show.

Lately I have been in a Coldplay craze. They are releasing a new album soon I hear, cant wait!
Come up to meet you
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are...

Later kids

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Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
10:03 pm
So I'm kind of new at this whole online journal thing. I thought it would be a good idea to get some of these things out that I keep bottled up inside of me... lately I have been all over the place, emotionally. In a nutshell, since no one here knows my situation, the boy I love is now with someone else. It tears me up inside, because I know there is no way we can be together anymore (he goes to college two hours away from me), but all I want more than anything is just to be with him again. I have loved him since the second I saw him, which will be three years this summer. We have had a very on and off relationship, but this past summer everything seemed to fall into place. It made me love him even more, which sucked for me, since once the summer ended he left for college. I just don't even know what to do anymore. I think about him constantly and I just pray that maybe there still is hope for us. I just dont even know anymore though. :-(

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