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pretend [10 Mar 2003|06:34pm] [ mood | aggravated ] Sometimes you just get to this point where nothing seems to matter. The worst things have already come to pass, and you think that things can only get better. Before you know it however, things are getting worse and the hope you had just a few days before seems futile in its simplicity. Thats what is so crazy about life. You never know what hand is going to be dealt to you next. Unlike cards however, you can't cheat, there are no ace's up your sleeve to make yourself a better hand. The girl I spoke of earlier in my first entry. The one that I perhaps thought I was over. Well I guess you could say that turned up to be a farce. I mean sure I would probally have succeeded in getting over her if in some way I were able to avoid her, but I can't. Not only is she one of my two best friends, but she also happens to be in one of classes...anthropology to be exact. Its just hard sometimes, sitting there, pretending everything is alright...smiling like its the greatest day on earth, when secretly inside being around her is destroying you. All you can ever think of is how much you like her, how much you miss her. Being friends just isn't the same...you spend less time with one another until eventually she is completely erased from your life. What if that isn't what you want though. She is your best friend, you miss the time you used to spend with her before and while you were going out. You miss making her smile. You miss the way she made you smile. It all gets so complicated in the end. No matter what happens though you know one of you isn't going to be happy so you are willing to let it be you. Because that girl just means too much to you for you to let it be otherwise. You can't let anyone know how you feel however...you have to lie...you have to pretend you are alright...sometimes you slip...but you have to pretend...pretending is all you have...just pretend to be happy...pretend a little longer. 1 comment|post comment

Forward [07 Mar 2003|11:03am] [ mood | hopeful ] You ever get the feeling that everything is all right in the world, and things are just going your way? Well thats how I am feeling today. Funny thing is, its the first time I have felt this way in what seems to have been ages. Let me tell you something, depression sux. It is basically an ailment that is hard to escape from, but it does lend a hand in destroying your life. You lose your friends, you lose faith in yourself, and you just give up hope. That is the biggest travesty, losing hope. Hope is all we really have you see. Hope that there is a next life, hope that there is someone out there for us, hope that we will succeed. Without hope we would all be in the stasis I call misery. Thats how I have been for a while, miserable. The girl I had fallen head over heels for broke up with me leaving me in a state of shock. First came denial, then came dispair, then it was utter misery. I was beginning to think that my heart would never heal the hole that had been burrowed in to it. Then one day (today) three months later you just wake up and find yourself thinking about the future, and who might be in it. Mirraculously you have been healed! Now the question basically lies in how you are going to feel when you see that girl that owned so much of you for such a long time. Will you be sad, nonchalant, giddy, or hateful? Well I got the chance to see her today, and well I guess you could just call me nonchalant. We went about our normal routine, saying hi...joking around....laughing a little...then we parted ways saying goodbye. Nothing to it! In the back of my mind though, I know I still like her...so its hard, seeing her smile and have a good time. The memories are all I have now though, memories that I shall always cherish, but yes it is time to move on. Forward I go! 1 comment|post comment

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