Blurty for Allie.

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Monday, June 6th, 2005

Subject:holy fucking shit.
Time:4:28 pm.
Mood: confused.
this is the worst feeling ever. this is ridiculous. i feel bad that he loves me so much and that i told him i loved him too, but i dont know if i do or not. i cant tell him that. it would kill him. i dont want to love anyone. but i do at the same time. i need to calm down. i need a hug. i hate the fact that i dont know where to go. i've hurt so many feelings and i had feelings hurt. i'm so selfish. i do what i want, regardless of anyone elses feelings. i need to stop doing that. but how do i know what i'm doing is right? how do i know that i'm meant to be with him? how do i know i'm not supposed to be with someone else. and what do i do when someone thinks i'm the one for them, but i dont know if they are the one for me? i dont want to hurt them. i dont want to hurt anyone. all i deserve is to hurt myself. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCk.

what am i doing? i've gone completely insane. this is ridiculous. i am completely ridiculous. how could i do this to anyone? i never thought i'd be that girl. the girl who gets involved with a million guys. i dont want to be that girl. i just read his message and he's so in love with me. but he doesnt know. he cant know. tahts how i felt. i want to be absolutely positively sure that im meant for someone. this is too serious. i dont know what i want. i dont want to be alone, but i dont want to be with everyone. i like getting to know people.

take me and mike. we were alike, but different in some ways. he was too preppy for me. listened to z100 and listened to emo. i couldnt deal with that. he still wants to be that 'captian of the football team' popular jock image. i dont want that anymore.

me and bert. thats on the opposite end of the spectrum all together. he lived rock. i'm glad we chilled for as long as we did. i got a better taste in music thats for sure. i learned a lot about myself by being with him. i still dont know how he feels about me. i dont know how he felt about me. it was hard to get into his mind. i think i liked that though. i wanted to try to break in. but i know now that hes not going to let anyone in but lexi. and thats good for him. i'm glad hes happy.

me and bart. i dont know what the fucks going on. hes got a good taste in music. and i like his fish. hes sweet. i dont know if i regret meeting him or not. i mean, yea hes awesome and everything but i didnt need to open another can of worms. i dont know if he wants me or not and i dont know if i want him or not. i like being friends with him, but i dont know if i wanna hook up with him or not. AHHH! my head fucking hurts.

me and james. this just started. all because faye told him to call me and he actually did. we didnt do anything yet, except talk on the phone. but i liked that. and hes damn sexy. his eyes are awesome. hes sweet. i want to hang out with him.

me and chris. oh god. i'm in waaaaaaaaaay too deep. i didnt know he felt soo strongly about this. i dont know how i fucking feel. i cant be myself around him. i feel like i have to be so proper and not dumb. and around bart i feel like i have to be dumb. i'm not myself anymore and i hate it. i dont remember the last time i was genuinely myself. i dont know myself. i know i would be ashamed of myself if i knew who i was. this is fucking ridiculous.

i guess waht i want is a mix of them. but i have to find that person. everyone wants someone to love and someone to love them. but i dont know who i want to love me and i dont know who i love. how do i know i couldnt love bart? how do i know i couldnt love james? i'm so fucking confused i dont know what the fuck to do.

AHHHHHHHHH!
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Sunday, May 29th, 2005

Subject:i hate this
Time:10:54 pm.
wow. i'm waiting by the phone for someone 16 hundred miles away to call me. what am i thinking? i dont really feel like typing, but i have too much to say. i really hope its not ringing now. i'm so freakin paranoid! good god. i should go back in my room. i'll leave my away message up! i'm a genius! lol

this show makes me think about what i really want to do with my life.
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Monday, May 23rd, 2005

Subject:good god
Time:10:05 pm.
Mood: blah.
Music:Elvis- A little Less Conversation.
you ever find yourself not knowing what the fuck you're doing? thats what i got goin on right now. i dont know how i feel about anything. what the fuck did i do this year? i know i messed up pretty bad. i cant say i regret breakin up with chris. i just wish i knew then what i know now. i do miss him. i miss our hugs, i miss our kissies. i miss that thumping feeling i got in my heart whenever he came upstairs at school. i miss the back hall by the science wing. gravel rock crap shit. i remember all this stuff. i always will. i wanted to marry him. i wanted to spend my every waking moment with him. i'm not so sure thats changed so much. i know i would definitely appreciate him more. i know now how awesome what we had was. if only his mom liked me. i fucking rebounded off him like a pin ball. i miss mike too, but i always missed mike. i dont think i was ever actually with him long enough to stop missing him. we didnt have enough in common. listened to too much Z100. doesnt like system of a down. bert. that was just weird. i dont know what i was thinking. all kinds of fucked up goin on over there. definitely learned a lot about myself. cant say i regret that either. that was fun while it lasted. wish i knew what he thought. i need to slow down, but i need someone to be with at the same time. i guess what i'm trying to say is that

I FUCKING WANT YOU BACK!

yea. i'm done. well, i'm not, but i dont feel like typing anymore. should stop before i depress myself even more.

good night
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Blurty for Allie.

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