a fish named wanda..'s Journal
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Wednesday, November 5, 2003
11:59PM - no lies just love
sarah ditched blurty which makes me sad she got an LJ so that she could have friends on it i suppose? and have people read it? ...i ditched blurty cuz i hated that
fuck people i hate them reading my life only my close friends like those of u . but yah....anywhore i jsut find it weird how peoples perceptions of the same things can become totally different .
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are we falling apart?
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in the bedroom is a sad movie. but im enjoying it
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Wondeful! Now how have YOU grown as a person?
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do i have to answer that? how do i answer that? no wait how do i answer it without making it personal?
2 days...tomorrow is gonna be a LONG day~
Current mood: 
crushed
Tuesday, November 4, 2003
11:38PM - one whole long year together~
SLEEP! alex! go to sleep!!!
i am!
k i gtg but just thought id write a quick entry
im so happy?
boo...AY info session today kicked my ass! it was SO good! even tho the trout dance was a little..ee
but Bmacs was hawt! (he's a penist? (did i say that correctly?)
night boys and girls!
tiny dancer in my head
i had point today 4 out of 10 toes are bleeding as we speak! i have 4 bandaids on my foot...holy moly..plus i have 2 purple knees!! im such a klutz lately?? haha oo brings back weekend memories..ic ant go away ill miss you 2 tooooooo much!!
nighty o neighborettes!
Current mood: 
crazy
Monday, November 3, 2003
12:19AM - gah?
HOLY SHIT MY LAST ENTRY WAS ON 11:11PM THAT"S LIKE MY FAVOURITIST TIME IN THE HISTORY OF TIME!! A PERFECT TIEM TO MATCH THE PEFECT WEEKEND>>>5 bittersweet mother fucking days my friend...NOVEMBER 7TH hurry YOUR ASS UP!!!!
Sunday, November 2, 2003
11:11PM - FUCK PARENTS!! WILL THEY EVER JUST GO AWAY??
imagine all the people living for today....
fuck that was an awesome weekend.
mmm...waxy cake and crispy crunch.
i can still taste the smoke of the fallen leaves of october past...
nosebleeds and nerds
halloween and search helicopters'
sand angels on a golf course
counting stars, shapes arising out of clouds
the 70's are back alex sarah and rachelle style. tutu's and the shittiest pot you can imagine...running through a field and "rolling" (haha go rachelle) down hills....
sing till ur nose bleeds and eat till u sleep
two moto's i will learn to live by! :)
ooh sarah mclaughlin..err uhh..amanda marshall whatevr the hell ur name is ...burmingham and the rest of it. jsut all round fucking good times> `' look its a chinese smiley
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o man im so tired im making nonsense
imagine i had narcolypsy and fell of rachelle's roof??
Current mood: 
bitchy
Current music: let it rain!~sar...i mean amanda marshall
Saturday, October 25, 2003
5:31PM - gah...PDA's
ohhhhhhhh my good times!
1...2...3................
VOLLEYBALL ROTATION
1...2....3...............
VOLLEYBALL ROTATION
1...2...3................
VOLLEYBALL ROTATION
ha ha halloween will be fucking fabulous but i hope we never need to use the VOLLEYBALL ROTATION!
bah ha ha i want monday so we can rotate again!~
Current mood: 
productive
Current music: so impossible~dashboard confessional
Friday, October 24, 2003
10:34PM - today was different jsut like a vegetarian at a meat convention...
wow! havnt written in a week
its funny how one week can chnge you so much..its CraZy how only one week can steal a friendship re-kindle a relationship give you back the one person you trusted totally, it can totally go from shit to gold and pulverize u then put u on a pedistel and flatter you totally... friday has honestly been the best day of my life...i wouldnt change n e thing ...cept for the fact of i maybe would have gone to Angie's sorry ang! your an angel!
but then i nevr woulda got the chance to hang out with rahcelle ..or chnge things with booji and then my life right now as i know it would have been totally different.
god tonight would ahve been SO different, funny how fate grabs you by the hand and directs you where to go..
ill start from the beginning a very ncie place to start__________________________________________________
i woke up this morning, showered for the first time since wednesday. (ew)
got on the bus, which was different just me and Jesse Owen
got to school and totally ignored evryone avioded "the bench" and sat with daniel and rediscovered some tof the ebst friends ive ever had, while doign some really inportant history homework (right)
i was alte for history but fortunatly my teacher didnt freak at all...hmm
i didnt actually end up finishing my homework (like anyone expected me to anyway?)
but that wa sok cuz we took up our test which i got 87% on and then we watched a film!
second, which i was expecting to be shitty actually rocked my world. cuz i did nothing but mope around
then Pj came and we had an interesting "talk" (like anyone actually "talks" with PJ)
then soemthign odd happened...me and Mike talked? like not jsut small talk! we had a conversation on how we hate people and i wanna ram my kiwi spnife (its a spoon knife) down someones throat! twas interetsing
then i went to dance, which was insanely good considering it was dance! Ms.Farwell said she loved seeing me dance! :)
fourth was a freaking party with Mr.Best he is honeslty the best...and though he may be three or four times my age i think im in love with him (and so does rahcelle) i would not mind performing soem favours to boost my mark in that class ;) (haha that was pure and utter jks) (but he's still a hot teahcer) (i have a crush on him)
in his class we handed inour essay then had a reading period??
fifth we had a supply and she jsut passed around a sheet to say who was there and who wasnt..john is my god he wrote down that i WAS there! yay for john! so i skipped and hung out with wayne for most 0f the period then rahcelle joined us and we talked ats york! alsothen we were joined by jesse mirsky and made up a song about hi sexy jaw...ok well, we didnt exactly make it up but we improvised words!
"jesse's jaw has got it going on,i know it may be wrong but im in love with jesse's jaw"
gah good times....then we came downstairs and me and angie and andrea and rachelle and such..played dream phone...oh yes then mike jesse and astaire joined in...astaire and jesse soon afetr left but we stayed behind and anjoyed the worders of dream phone..gah i wish i could go back
then Lisa picked up me and rahcelle and supplied us witht he nutritional dinenr known as mcdonalds mm...mick deeeeeeeeeeeeeeees
we got home nd babysat all night we babysat Frank, vincent and ivonna while we braked for casually seirosu talks between running around chasign the children..twas amazingly fun..i always ahve a good time with rahcelle. i trust her once again i dotn even know what happeend between us i just hope it never happens again...
i wish i could have him back..today was to weird cant i jsut have the joy hold me without the fear it will eventually depart?
-so id wake up in the morning with the lights of the in the kneck of california where they undertsand the way that sorrow can hold u with the fear it will eventually depart, i spent a week drinking in ur thoughts and two more eating away the hangover. my stomach suffocating tied in knots.had conversation with myself and decided that i had poor health, so death was the only way out, solutions come to quickly when ur thinking all alone, thats when i saw the cocasian girl look at the plastic pink stars and scream what r u doing here tonight?~-
jus some scary wirtting above...
me and booji are uhh..breaking up
me and rachelle wanna take part in one of those TV dating games..
goodnight!
i msut go because staceys mom has got it going on...
~taylor best....;) gah rachelle...sick
Current mood: 
silly
Current music: #41- dave matts band
Sunday, October 19, 2003
2:06AM - thriller
tonight was fucked...
i walked taylor home in the rain
was stalked by the chinese
ate a carton of ice cream ate a plate of choc chip pancakes
played dress-up by myself
picked a shcool outfit out for monday
somehow ended up listening to the much music dance party 2000 cd??
was cold wet and tired
talked to ernie till his mom got mad
wasted times on MSN
started my homework
made plans for tomorrow
lost my voice
smoked a fabulous cig
kissed him..teehehe
dressed up skanky with my sister and her friend, blasted the mother fucking britney spears CD in our family room while dancing to the light of the strobe light we found in the basement..all in all...good day!
anywhore, boys suck my balls (or lack there of) I GIVE UP! ARE YOU HAPPY?? boys are so fucking stupid
my new favorite word in the english language is fuck
astaire is sleeping obver tomorrow night so we can finish our project, betcha we still wont finish it! o my we are losers
ms.fartwell can bite me cuz shes an idiot
FOR GOD SAKES, SCHOOL SUCKS
can i list the ways my life would be better without it?...no because then id start ranting and i have no time for that!!
michel jackson
Current mood: 
pleased
Current music: thriller~micheal jackson
Saturday, October 18, 2003
11:48AM - still im gonna miss you...
She would never say where she came from
Yesterady don't matter if it's gone
While the sun is bright or
In the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and go
Goodbye Ruby Tuesday, who could hang a name on you?
When you change with ev'ry new day
Still I'm gonna miss you
Don't question why she needs to be so free
She'll tell you it's the only way to be
She just can't be chained to a
Life where nothing's gained and nothing's lost at such a cost
Goodbye Ruby Tuesday, who could hang a name on you?
When you change...
"There's no time to lose"
I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams and you will lose your mind
Ain't life unkind?
Goodbye Ruby Tuesday, who could hang a name on you?
When you change...
I spent a week drinking the sunlight of Winnetka, California
Where they understand the weight of human hearts
You see, sorrow gets too heavy and joy it tends to hold you
With the fear that it eventually departs
And the truth is I’ve been dreaming of some tired tranquil place
Where the weather won’t get trapped inside my bones
And if all the years of searching find one sympathetic face
Then it's there I'll plant these seeds and make my home
I spent a day dreaming of dying in Mesa, Arizona
Where all the green of life had turned to ash
And I felt I was on fire, with the things I could have told you
I just assumed that you eventually would ask
And I wouldn’t have to bring up my so badly broken heart
And all those months I just wanted to sleep
And though spring, it did come slowly, I guess it did its part
My heart has thawed and continues to beat
And I visited my brother on the outskirts of Olympia
Where the forest and the water become one
And we talked about our childhood
like a dream we were convinced of
That perfect, peaceful street that we came from
And I know he heard me strumming all those sad and simple chords
As I sat inside my room so long ago
And it hurts that he’s still shaking from those secrets that were told
By a car closed up too tight and a heart turned cold
And I went to San Diego, and the birthplace of the summer
And watched the ocean dance under the moon
There was a girl I knew there, one more potential lover
I guess that something’s gotta happen soon
Cause I know I can’t keep living in this dead or dying dream
As I walked along the beach and drank with her
I thought about my true love, the one I really need
With eyes that burn so bright, they make me pure
They make me pure, they make me pure
I long to be with you
They make me pure, they make me pure
I long to be with you
when songs say it better then your own words....
this morning i woke up to the doorbell ringing downstairs i searched the house and everyone was gone. i answered the door and there stood an attractive young man (hehe) who said his name was jeff. he was good looking and i was in pajama's...gross...msn controls my life..i think im giving up on it...and im a liar!
ok well, ew...today sucks sooo...im gonna go back to bed...goodnight/goodmorning/.goodbye ruby tuesday~
im sorry but i gave up.
Current mood: restless
Current music: ruby tuesday~rolling stones
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
11:21PM - people who dont ask questions dont get answers...!
you can list your friends, but you cant count on them...the one person i thought i could count on doesnt count on me.
Current mood: crushed
Current music: needle in the hay~
Monday, October 13, 2003
12:13AM - directed by: eddie murphy
today...
i did gardening today. i didnt shower. i went to my aunts for thanksgiving. family sucks my balls (or lack there of). my mom told me i was getting fat. we drove home i sat silently. then my fmaily made fun of me for being different. im so cliche...i hate this'
i found some old cassettes, The soundtrack to Beaches was the best i had as a child. aside from raffi
TEEN ANGST?
the split ender? what the fuck is this damn shopping channel trying to send now? my god what the hell is wrong with our world? for fuck sakes sunday night tv sucks, gah shikira is on stupid much music, and then barbara walters on biography...for fucks sakes! now im watching the chinese channel! is that all there is?
sorry i had to rant about something
i wish i had a car...(oh wishful thinking((((
Current mood: aggravated
Current music: jerry maguire...good movie
Friday, October 10, 2003
11:52PM - her final days
no matter how high you get youll neevr forget the wonders of mary's bed...
tonight was a sad sad sad night..first i went to my physio therapy appt. which was super fun...with the shocking machine and ultra sound machine and all... (gah.pain)
then my mom did grocery shopping while i sat in an unlocked car with the keys in the ignition listening to the radio ...ASLEEP! someone could have drove off with the car and raped me....(they probably would have thrown me out the door, in reality)
then to my catholic elementry school to pick up my sistoir and her friendalon...
then her friend slept over and i hung out with them...oh my pathetic life...
sound some funny websites and lsitened to the song sweet mary, by equalizer all night
i also found that im really quite good at playstation dirt biking games
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BOYS:
why is it so hard for me to get someone who i like and who likes me back?
i dont aks for much in a guy...all i ask is good hygiene and that they care about me enough to call me
PERSONALLY~i think the whole idea of "going out" is stupid...i jsut want someone to make out with and care about. is that unreasonable?
"going out" at 15 is such an insanly pointless idea so why isn't it ok to have random pointless relationships where you do all the stuff a "couple" would do except with none of that akward after break-up bull, and the pre-"going out" status?? wouldnt it make it easier??
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elephants are gray.
and pink in some cases.
Current mood: uncomfortable
Current music: sweet amry~equalizer
Thursday, October 9, 2003
11:13PM - jsut bend the pieces till they fit.like they were made for this..but they werent meant for this!
My name is: over-used
I may seem: moody and annoying
But I'm really: sensitive and scared
People who know me think: i really dont know?
If you know me you'd probably: think you know me...but you have no idea
Sometimes I feel: pointless
My days are pretty: routine, predictable, boring
Yesterday: i slept from when i got home till when i woke up this morning only waking to eat dinner
In the morning I: brush my teeth :)
I like to sleep: all the time..its the only true escape
If I could be doing anything right now I would be: in Paris with the love of my life...im such a hopeless romantic
Money is: not easy to find
One thing I don't have that I wish I did is: someone who cared about me as much as i cared about them
One thing I have that I wish I didn't is: an attraction to cruel boys
All you need is: freedom
When I look in the mirror I see: someone i dont reconignize..i havnt been myself lately
What I Love is: a hurtful game filled with brief periods of complete content that you would die just to live once more.
If an angel flew into my window at night I would: want him to take me to heaven with him
If a demon crashed into my window I would: ask him if he liked chocolate or vanilla
If I could see one person right now it would be: Lauren janusee...whenever i see her it means its the summer time..i miss you lauren
Something I want but I don't really need is: a metal brief-case
I live for: Paris
I am afraid of: falling for him again
It makes me angry when: people make me explain myself
I dream about: getting out of here
I daydream about: standing in the waves and grinding the sand between my toes once more as the sunset peels its last remaining rays from the sky...the only difference from this past reality is that in the daydream..you could be there too
a fish named wanda.....
tomorrow is ocktoberfest and im SO excited i enjoyed ocktoberfest last year more then you'll ever know! Mayfair was amazing as well~
we ate up our words and spit out the shells of the past.
i need a digital camera really cheep so i can buy it for Paris! im so god damned excited
too much summer to count the stars
morning rises pushes down the setting of mars
we sat in the moon light
and watched the elegant shore
the fog rose around us without one word or more
one of those moments you catch in your heart
one of those moments i shared in bliss
once more i held your hand and we'd kiss
i am so cold now
the sun has set
holding your place now this blades a threat
will i ever see you or feel the surrender of your eyes
can i help but feel them stinging me
burning an imprint deep in my memories
and the sky is dark and blue with the cold...
NOTHING COMPARES
can i quit?
im quiting
im quiting my friends
im quiting dancing
i wish i could quit school
i quit you
should i quit living
i went to the doctor guess what he told me? girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do... but hes a fool
Freedom is the opening of a box full of clumsy unread words.
Flowing out from deep inside a defaced object is a cluster of expressions.
Open it and you can see a teeming collection of senseless words.
They detonate for your eyes to see and escape through your utterances.
Unlocked and callow this box lets each word become emancipated.
Streaming and unorganized each word is experienced one by one.
This sentence is a modern emotive; forcing you to read on.
Adjacent to you, this box sat for moment in time; until it was shut up.
Subsequent to this it lay quiet and dusty waiting for a hand with an intention to let it speak again.
In a Dream I could only be myself.
The day would hold such a different fate.
My parent’s screams could go unheard.
Your mouth would kiss me leaving me assured
We’d never fight and by no means would tears sting my bloodshot eyes.
Like the birds we scared out of that inverted tree,
Without running away even I could be free.
Only in a dream could I feel so alive and my life have the impression of being half-way.
When I awake I crave sleep.
Only in my desire could our relationship be deep.
My unconscious fills me with a picture of perfection,
Only to be wrinkled by the sound of a screaming in my ear.
I could be anything in this fantasy world of mine
But most importantly who I yearn to be.
A girl who doesn’t cry herself dry
And who doesn’t disappoint you when she tries.
So maybe ill slip into a dream forever…
A fantasy where I have no fear of being myself.
In my dreams I can be free.
In the fake affections my dreams display,
I don’t feel this comfort during my day.
The counterfeit oxygen I breathe is pulling me deep
Im so attached to the memories I keep.
This unreality has taken me back to the summer.
As we inhale the new summer to come; we exhale out our pain.
We lie on my trampoline till midnight, laughing and acting totally insane.
All the tears and smiles we’ve deemed could not be tainted.
With these unique moments I was reacquainted.
Splashing and racing our lives away in the sun;
September we thought would never come.
Only in dreams could these possibilities exist
That I could rewind time and see the moments I missed.
A million times I will awake
My vagary soon sees a haunting brake.
All around me are tears and things that mean nothing.
I open my eyes and the room is bluffing.
My dream has ended and the snow is thick
On and on my life will move this is insufficiently tragic.
Moments of full subconscious allure, are all you think about during the day.
You’re swept up in those artificial dreams taking you away.
These thoughts I think arnt meant for anyone
And these aftificial tears are jewellery I where to show how much you really know
HOLD ME CLOSER___________________________________________________________________________
your feet as cold as mine, my red tear soaked eyes shine bright we are happy, but for how long? We are shattered adolescents who long to be children just to deem our childhood once again. Now as asthetic individuals we run in the grass, our silence is the artificial beauty we crave, my confidence in your words has coutless unexplainable possibilities. As you shiver, your back hard on the pavement, the stars in your eyes, we postpone our perceptive utterances and hold close this moment of complete understanding. the black paint ive smeared on the wall is a premonition of nothing at all, this opaque image i percieve is enigmatic to myself, but this security is captivating and the time we spend togetehr is short but it makes me miss you all the more. the excitment in your words percolates over me. i tickle and cinge with little spurts of pain. Im so callow but direct and i feel like reality is finding me inside. i hate my life but i love you right now please hold me closer and keep me here to stay. here in our playground where we can laugh and cry all day..out on your roof we sit in the sun holding onto our last breathe of summer we exhale together the car pulls in and the shattered mirrior i once saw myself in repairs for i am not on the path less taken and my future only points to a desk where i will sit...looking out on one inane pane of glass that holds nothing to our dark summer days and warm summer nights] my window will become my plaform which i wish that i could slowly descend from. your imperfect face rushes back to my mind i held out my hand an you took it that night my feet are so cold and my eyes fill with tears. as they pour down my face i am content with your embrace PLEASE hold me closer~
BLACK AND WHITE GRAY AND YELLOW____________________________________________________________
you sit you stare
looking back pretending to care
please dont predict me word for word
you dont know me
purple paper's all i see
stop your complaining before i drop away
do you want in from the outside
its a cool night
where the stars fall to pieces just for you
looking in you dominate
and looking in i see your fate
the shapes are bent and cant find a place to stand
depending on you is not my choice
you dont even look to hear my voice
but the waters jsut to cold to let you drown
i hate this you crave this stop being such an ass hole
ok like 20 months ago i started this poem but couldnt think of any way to end it...here it is
FIRST KISS....(**how original**)_______________________________________________________________________
I saw you i looked into your eyes day after
we walked by one another then swiftly walked away you were so distant your name was not a care i just saw you and understood you
you didn't care
one day i stood by you and started to chatter
we both looked at each other connected
and nothing else seemed to matter
i held your hand then you brounght me near
i saw your eyes and mine filled with tears
your arms around my waist
and with decisions we were faced
you leaned in beside my lips
i felt your hands placed solidly on my hips
then in that moment we stood in the hall not feeling the presence of anyone at all.
just you and me the two of us there
my hand brushing through your soft light brown hair
then we pushed away having nothing more to say
that moment was to long to take
you left my there and hate filled my callow heart
akward and trapped i fell to the floor i sat there all day not making a sound
curled up like a person who'd jsut lost what theyd found
i felt images and feelings i never experienced before
in the dark i sat all by my own
till a tall secret man asked me why i was there
i told him our story and said i was confused
he seemed strange and funny almost amused
he then directed me to the exit and onto the street
my feet hit the pavement like glass hits a hammer
and the beauty of the rain really had NO glamour
he then disappeared without a sound
there i was left once again...no one around
...stars seemed to shine bright above my head
and when i would see you was a moment id dread
the next day i woke up
you woke up beside me and you touched my head
our lips met and silence was all around
isolation and lonliness were pushed to the ground
i am..._______________________________________________________________________________________________
I am morgan. I am young.
Everyday I feel a bit better about all that happened to me as a child.
I am morgan. I am myself.
Myself is not me.
I stay off by myself and figure most everything out.
I am morgan. I am dark.
I walk down a path in the darkness I gather my head and all that is falling out from it
I wonder, you just have to wonder, what the world has come to.
I am morgan. Never thinking.
You should just let the emmotions you have wear you out. Never think about it. You just make a bigger mess that way.
Deep. Deep and regular and far off, off and away from the abuse and the person in my life.
Wish. I wish I had eyes in the back of my head so I could look back at them and put them behind me.
Rage. I have rage and desire for the lightning to come and strike them.
Learn. Learn by your mistakes.
Death. I stood over her hoping she was the last dead person I knew for a while.
Live. She did not live but at least I did not slip into a dark lonely dream beside her unresponsive body.
Myself. I stay.
Get away. I need to cry. Shout.
Pain. Get that pain out of morgan.
Someone else. Then she won’t have to be someone else.
they walked in her room..her belongings still there but there was an absence a deep absence that was felt.... like looking in her eyes....deep an silent blue like her life. a sadness you could nevr capture was what i thought of her. someone i handt seen in a while....i pictured her eyes an i saw her smile once more something i hadnt seen in a while could this be true was she jsut like you had she left me an cried all alone with no smile? was i really never there were her parents never home was i too far away for her to reach me late at night? she didnt leave me n e thing for my acceptance to take place
a letter
while your heart beat drives you mad in the stillness of rmembering what you had an what you lost.........
Get away. I need to cry. Shout.
Pain. Get that pain out of morgan.
Someone else. Then she won’t have to be someone else.
whats wrong?
somethings wrong
everytime i turn away from your sad eyes
it stabs me
an i feel your pain
just thinking of you cramps me up inside
my unexperienced hands trebled as i hit the keypad number by number
i could make it obvious you could deny me
no answer
no solution
you dont know me
how could you know what youve been missing
i will admit i hate those things we said
i will admit i want to talk
i wont admit what i feel
your such a critic you will never get it
and you will never understand
your mind is set in one direction
your emotions dont match mine
drip the droplet drips down my perspiring cup of water
drip the droplet drops down my sopping cheek
i picked out a star for you in the incessant sky
im drowning in the vision of your words
still the star shines and the rain falls
the water feeds into my veins and your star eats away at my tattered sanity
still ill admit an the droplet drips
onto the page where i wrote what i fear about you the most
as a door opens wide into a repetitive dream ive had
a splinter of glass decreases to my sad eyes...
and i wake up in two days past
lock me up
throw me away
tear your eyes
blur your sight
for i am gone
gone away
in the end everythings ok
but nothings ok
this must be the end
i am hurt
you hurt me deep
this lock you found
this lock you keep
everything and everyone in the end we all are one
have you ever been so confused you couldnt even force tears to come to your eyes so you could find comfort in the normal pattern of your insane "life"?
have you ever felt there is no point in living but no point in dieing either?
have you ever wanted something so bad that you hate it?
have you ever asked a nonpresent public meaningless and most importantly solutionless questions?
have you ever cried until the point that your tear ducts cant produce liquid anymore?
have you ever slept on top of a skyscraper?
have you ever slept in a canoe on a lake by yourself with two paddles to row you back to reality in the morning?
have you ever been lost in your house?
have you ever laid under the stars with a brown eyed boy who was twice your age?
have you ever watched omni 1 when the multicultural programs come on?
have you ever felt you could answer yes to any of these questions?
i like the woodbine mohawk commercials espcially when theyre in spanish...
OK HERES THE DEAL WITH THE ^ABOVE^...THIS IS A WHOLE LOTTA RANDOM SHIT...enjoy~:)
Current mood: 
artistic
Current music: TV
Wednesday, October 1, 2003
6:50PM - look im standing naked before you ..dont you want more then my sex?
because im so confused an fucked up right now because of a reason i cant decide apon so nothing matters to me as much as getting out of this routine depression....
ever felt that way?
right now it all seems so meaninglless
like tomorrow will just be the same as yesterday
and yesterday was horrible
an no matter how much i try to change that it things just wont work
now im fucking crying
again
an all i do is cry
but crying never solves anything
and the crying never stops.......
Current mood: 
indescribable
Current music: leather~tori amos
Saturday, September 27, 2003
12:43AM - gemini/cancer
oh wow...look at my horoscope its a little creepin!
Gemini~Thinkers and psychics reach common ground under the stars' influence. If you're in the mood for romance, the possibilities are endless. Start at the beginning and be happily surprised at where you end up.
Current music: strawberry fields~beatles
Friday, September 26, 2003
11:51PM - is everyone lonely but me? wait reverse that...damnit
wow...life is a downward spiral of boredom
each sadly awaited day, is an exact replica of the one prior to
maybe next week will be better? isn't that what you said last week alex?
wow! now im talking to myself.."id like to be remembered as a smiling face, not this fucking wreck thats taken its place"
so please forgive what i have done you cant stay mad at the setting sun..eventually all there is to do is sleep
why can i hear my moms footsteps above me
that means shes rumagging through my room again
God shes such a nosey bitch i cant handle her constant prying into my life
then again everyone is prying into my life right now everyone wants to knwo everything,
but when it comes down to it..they are all selfish and hurtful people who could give a shit either way of how you felt that day...cant i evr just escape the grasps of my constant feelings or worthlessness?
im listening to the cars right now...maybe im
upsessed i realli cant sat at this
point in time i wish
i could be
upsess
ed
w
ith
anyth
ing or any
body right now
"i guess your jsut what
i needed i needed someone
to please"- the cars hmmmmm
im sleepy and cant focus my eyes any
longer, soon sleep will set in yah im tired.
ok well goodnight rachelle~seeing as your the only one who reads this shit!
nightyo
~xela
"hey mister i realli like your daughter, when im horny, like thirsty, shes my bottle of water"
Current mood: quixotic
Current music: hey msiter-mest
Thursday, September 25, 2003
6:46PM - feel like im knocking on heavens door
How many special people change?
I’m feeling incessantly melancholy, sporadically pleased,
missing in thought and lacking in consideration.
Hoping and waiting looking for these pieces,
you scattered them in the park.
You helped me to this platform
then slipped away and left me pitiful and broken.
Falling fast face first down into a constantly scrutinized flaw.
Holding the weight of your words in my jaw.
Every time we stand awake
every time I crumble for your sake
I realize that I hate the strain you hold me in.
I can’t stand the way you play with me between your fingers
captured in unbreakable glass.
My only bliss lies in your mind.
Now the conversation is spent.
Not a dime has been repaid
on this carpet, I sit, afraid
Are you ever singled out?
Have you ever felt the isolation of difficulty?
No one to confide in with my deepest thoughts
without misplacing my clumsily fired shots.
Keeping me alive are the glares that aren’t shared very much,
keeping me awake is the sting of your touch.
So you come in and throw your bags down
this must be when you pack up and go.
My ecstasy is slowly creeping by
I can remember foggy dark nights what did they mean to you?
Defend and confine me. This time 11 o’clock.
Momentary infatuation settles in,
and you’re off on one more new whim.
There’s no stopping you now this is out of my hands.
I don’t mind you coming here your wasting all my time.
When you look inside my thoughts and tear each one apart
tears form in the ducts of my eyes and I appreciate when you shake my broken heart.
The twinkle in my depression
Makes your laughter dismal.
The only thing that pours out more then the clouds
Are my wrists when my pain allows.
I feel so vulnerable when everyone stares
I can’t handle anymore of they’re ludicrous lies.
I dig deep into my pillow pushing down inside
it’s the only way to conceal my pain.
Push it down away from the exterior of this 4 walled room.
Upside down eyes to my lids staring out.
Toppled over and falling down, lying down
I see the pieces hit the ground.
Alongside my profile you lay quiet and submissive
all I need to know. Is there something that I’ll be missing?
We would hide the passing of our emotional state.
Hold on to the relationship now, its way too late.
We have not one spoken feeling.
Quoting ourselves and repeating mistakes
contradicting broken promises.
Just deny the illumination I brought into your dejected world!
Hold onto the coil ring of truthless bruises you’ve left behind.
While im up above you…
Sitting on the carpeted platform high away from your world
Reminisce on these words:
Keeping me alive is the highness of myself.
Keeping me awake are the bright eyes you see.
It is.
Its not what you did.
Its what I didn’t.
It not that the worlds a mess.
Its just that we live in piles of pollution and despair everyday.
Its not what I did.
Its not what you didn’t.
Its not that the worlds a war and were all fighting in the front lines.
Its just that the lack of peace is holding us prisoner and forcing us to struggle against the human race.
Its not what they did.
Its not what we didn’t.
Its not that the world isn’t beautiful.
Its just that we fail to see the tranquil moments of stunning excellence that surround us everyday.
Its not what we did.
Its not what they didn’t.
Its not that the world isn’t free.
Its just that we are all slaves held to our comsuming, goal oriented lives.
Our world is an illusion we paint for ourselves.
Day by day
I’m lying on the grass outside at 2 a.m.
You’re lying in the trenches fighting a suspicious war.
In the peace that surrounds me I find comfort and subsequent to that I sleep.
In the gun shots that devour your only happy thoughts, you find pain and resentment.
I wake up in the sunrise and take it in moment by moment.
You wake up in the hospital 10 months subsequent to being shot, in a pointless battle of power.
I enjoy my freedom. I stare bewildered at the beauty of the sky.
You enjoy your deportment back home, to your family.
You fought for freedom and now I enjoy it.
Regretful apology
I’m sorry that I didn’t see just what was going on.
I’m sorry that I sat blindly and waited for someone else.
I’m sorry for being numb and not enduring the pain for the people who suffer.
I’m sorry I never tried to find a solution to the world’s misery.
But most of all I’m sorry for being apart of it all.
Lost everything to you…
there's so much on my mind
so much left to find
so many undone buttons
so many left behind
to much summer to count the stars
and the green is fading no longer ours
the badness of our thinking is taking all control
the blood that stains my carpet is burrowing a new hole
your skin is light. Dark are your eyes
I look in their reflection and I see discrete lies
Current mood: 
confused
Current music: knocking on heavens door~avril lavign :p