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Waffle house and walmart [09 Jun 2004|01:13am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | COUNTRY! ] So tonight was awesome! We 'partied' at walmart... where i got to look at the posters of half naked chicks.... that was hot. then we went to the waffle house, and the waitress paid for our food. maybe there ARE nice people left in the world. THEN i come home, and talk to mike... and we're cool! no fighting, nothing. AWESOME! what a killer night I hate it when I'm right

nights you cant remember with friends you'll never forget [06 Jun 2004|01:23am] [ mood | high ] So. college parties and midnight runs to taco bell. i love life! 1 Destorys the world I hate it when I'm right

and you wonder why [16 May 2004|03:24pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | Blink 182 because im trying to see what josh sees in them ] You know, today at church my friend -an adult in the church- was telling me about people in the church accusing him of certain things, and it really ticked me off. He's a good guy, and people who accept him as "a brother in God's eyes" turn against him, shame his name, and make him feel like leaving. There is so much back-stabbing, and corruption in a place that is supposed to be flowing with the power of God... and people wonder why I dont like church. I hate it when I'm right

Returning home [25 Apr 2004|12:03pm] [ mood | blah ] It's been a long time since I have last updated. In that time, I have lost and gained relationships in my life, and I have traveled. [Flordia. what fun!] I didn't expect to start writing again, but today I realized that May 20th will be the 6 month marker for my grandmas death. It seems like a fairly recent wound still. =\ Well I was thinking about when she died, and the entry I wrote... and it brought back a lot of emotions. So. I figured I would write about them. When my grandpa died, I was by his bed side. I believe my grandmother and I were the only ones watching at the time... but we were both watching his stomach rise and fall with each breath he took. Since 6 in the morning, that seemed to be all I could do. Every time he exhaled, I prayed he would take another breath. Well around midnight, he exhaled and didn't take another breath in. We were all prepared for it.. we all knew it would happen. Though we were all in tears, there was a sense of relief. Finally, he would suffer no more. A few days later at the funeral, my grandparents son John -who i refuse to accept as my uncle- showed up. He had not spoken to his parents for 25 years, and decided that my grandpas funeral would be the oh-so-perfect time to make an apperance. I wanted so bad to hate him, but I couldn't. I looked at John and saw his father. It's strange how similar they look. John went over and talked to my grandmother for a few, and once she calmed down, she introduced him to everyone. When she introduced him to me, we had a short conversation. I told him that I remembered him... that he used to stop by the house all the time while I was growing up. He told me he got busy, and thats why he stopped comming around. I asked him if he was busy for 7 years straight. He ignored my comment. Anyways, things went smooth, other than John. After the funeral, the family went to a church for lunch... and while we were leaving John told the family he would keep in touch. That was almost two months ago, and no word yet. I'm not holding my breath. When my grandmother died however, it was sudden. No one knew it was comming. She seemed fairly healthy before her death. I guess it was just her time. Once again, family fueds keep parent and child seperated. My gradmothers daughter Brenda -who i refuse to accept as my aunt- had sent my grandmother a letter on my grandmas birthday, telling her how bad of a mother she was. She died two months later. In that two months, Brenda hadn't spoken to her. After she died, Brenda showed up at the funeral home for the obit. writing, got my grandmothers wedding rings, and left. Did I mention she told her brothers she would go back and help clean out my grandmas house? She thanked my mother for helping to clean saying 'i couldnt have done it. i couldnt have gone back. i would have lost it'. Interesting. In tennessee at the funeral, she said she would keep in touch. It's been 6 months. The only word from her was a sympathy card when my grandpa died. Once again, not holding my breath. It seems that every family has atleast one person like this. I hope that when it is my parents time to go, i will not have been that ignorant. I want to cherish the life they have.... not regret that I missed it when they were alive. On a happier note, I passed my temps test with a 90% on saturday. 1 Destorys the world I hate it when I'm right

Forgivness in Death [16 Mar 2004|07:53am] [ mood | melancholy ] Thursday morning my parents woke me up at about 5 to tell me they had to take my grandpa to the hospital. His legs were red and swollen and he was in a lot of pain. So I went to school and my brother came and got me at 2. He wouldn't tell me why he had signed me out, but he took me to a hospice where my parents told me what was going on. At the hospital, the doctors had found that my grandpas liver was shutting down and his lungs were filling with fluid. They had two options. The family could either have doctors put needles into his stomach, peircing his lungs to drain the fluid, but he would live on life support. Even on life support, he may only live a week or two. The other option was to make him as comfortable as possible and let whatever was to happen, happen. They chose the later. (He had been sick and suffering for three years... it was the humane thing to do) Well I stayed at the hospital from the time I got there (about 2:15) till about 11. The next day I was planning on going to school, but the people from the hospice (where they sent him since there was nothing they could do to treat him) called at about 5 in the morning. They said to get to the hospice as soon as possible because it didnt look like he was going to make it. So from about 6 in the morning, I was there along with many family members. We all waited at the hospice until he died at 11:50. It's been a long day, and I want to go sleep it off. 2 Destorys the world I hate it when I'm right

Reflection [31 Dec 2003|06:15pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | Hatebreed - I will be heard ] Since it is New Years Eve and such, I figured I would reflect on the past year. Seems logical, doesn't it? This year has been an emotional roller coaster. 2003 has brought me great losses, as well as great gains. I've lost many dear friends, and a grandmother. I also struggled with abusive relationships, be it verbal or physical, and some bad habbits. This year was filled with heart break. Many people that I allowed myself to get closed to double crossed me and screwed me over. The people who 'loved' me, were the same ones telling me that I deserve to burn in hell. Interesting. There were also the people that hated me because I wouldn't serve as their personal whore. "If you loved me, you would do it." Hm.. I think not. On that same note, I learned a lot during this year. When my grandma died, I learned the true value of family and friendship. Most of my friends called to make sure I was okay, and some even showed up for the service. There was one friend imparticular that really dissapointed me. This friend saw me crying in the hallway after school when I went to get my homework for the coming week, and asked me what was wrong. I told him and he told me he was sorry. His girlfriend walked by and pulled him along, and off he went. Not another word about it. Every time his girlfriend is around, he won't talk to me. He won't even look at me. I think it's pretty pathetic that he doesn't have the balls to tell her that we're friends, and she doesn't have the common sense to know that I won't make a move on him. Once again, I'm being negative, so back to the happy parts of the year. ;] I learned a lot about myself, too. My veiw on life has flipped 360º. I used to be so down, but now things are okay. I've reached a certain peace with myself. I got rid of the people that hurt me the most and gained a lot of people that DO care about me. I hope that 2004 will be better than this year, and I hope everyone has a great new years. The end. I hate it when I'm right

The Night Carries To Day [21 Nov 2003|02:37am] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | The 'plop' of my tears hitting the desk ] I'll start from the begining.... from the root of all evil; School. Yet another conflict between 'problem C' and myself. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that can't stand him though. Today when I looked at him, I realized something. Right after we broke up for the last time, I was really upset. I couldn't look at him without feeling some kind of love. He was never just Ch*d [yeah.. last time i used his name in a journal entry, i got a not-so-nice comment from him] he was 'my ex'. Every day i would see 'the guy i loved' or something along those lines. [what does an teenager know about love?!] Anyways... I looked at him today, and I saw a pompus jerk! I no longer had any nice feelings about him at all. I'm completely over him. I walked home after school, and all was well. I was having a nice day despite the fact that 'problem C' called me a stupid bitch. [Yeah.... I was the one getting almost 4.0 while he got...... 1.5?] Anyways, when I got home I got online and talked to Roy and Joey. While Roy enticed me with his novella, Joey made funny faces at me on his cam. Okay guys.. we're going to take a break from the action. Roy's novella kicks arse. YOU ALL SHOULD READ IT!! If you want the link, lemme know. Mkay back to the story. After getting about 4 funny faces and 4 'bites' of a story, i was done. I said my goodbyes and got offline to get ready to go to youth group. Youth group wasnt bad at all. John preached about how he used to be a stoner, and one day he was going to walk out on his life, and it was as if someone pulled him to the table and sat him down. He recapped his life and realized it went straight downhill. He wanted to get back on track, so he turned to God. Now he has a great life and wonderful kids. Perfect fairy-tale ending. It was nice to hear some stories like that. He started talking about how we all make wrong choices in life, and we need help..... If we ask we will recieve it. At that point, silent tears started to fall. I was thinking about all of the cutting, and all of the times i've put my self down. I just sat there and stared for a while. I felt numb.. It was the first time i've ever felt like that, but as I later realized, it wouldnt be the last. Phil picked me up and drove me home from youth group. He told me my parents were tied up, but he didnt know where they were. I was skeptical, but i figured they were just at the store or something and lost track of time. When I got home I called Andrew as promised and talked to him for half an hour or so. On the surface everyone thinks he's so though and hardcore, but he's so sweet. He knows how to treat a girl, and he has a lot of respect. He's a really nice guy. After talking to him, I got online. When I got online, I was greated by Blackie.... always a fun time!! He's so nice! Anyways, i talked to him for 5 minutes or so. Once again, he called me baby. :P I talked to Roy and Alison for a bit... Alison such a loser but I love her! Tomorrow is Mikes birthday... she's supposed to call me at 7 or so... we're going to sing to him. I'm going to tell her 'the news' then. Read on, and you'll see just what 'the news' is. That reminds me. Nick was supposed to be home tuesday night. It's now Friday, and still no word. I hope he's okay. =[ I got offline at about 11, and went to bed. My parents still werent home.... so I figured they went out to get food or something. Anyways, as I was slowly drifting out of my mind, my mom came in my room and woke me up. She told me my dad wanted to talk to me downstairs. An immediate wave of dread came over me. They only want to 'talk to me' when I mess up big time. I slumped downstairs trying to wake myself up along the way. When I walked into the living room, I saw my dad and my brother sitting on the couch, both of them in tears. Another wave of dread. My dad motioned for me to sit on the couch. I looked at my mom, now realizing she too, was crying. Everything seemed to turn black at that moment. I didnt see anything, but I heard the words loud and clear. 'Your Grandma Brown is dead.' No! That cant be! Any minute i'll wake up in my bed nice and cozy. This is all a bad dream. There was no longer darkness in the room... everything was back. I looked around and saw how ugly everything was. Even the most beautiful things seemed to lack their elegance. I then realized this wasnt just a bad dream. I started to cry. The only thing to cross my mind, was the last time I had talked to her. We had gotten into an argument, and we were both mad at eachother. The next day, my dad called her and she said nothing about it.. she had forgotten about it. She still loved me the same. I on the other hand, was still upset. Sitting on the couch with my family, I could only think about what I SHOULD have done. I SHOULD have told her sorry..... i SHOULD have told her i loved her... but now it's all gone. I don't have anymore chances. That brings us to now. Currently i have been crying for 2 and a half hours straight, and again i feel numb. The sadness is still there, but.... I'm numb. I'm crying without emotion. It's like... I'm terribly sad, but im not thinking about it. I wont be at school for about a week. She wanted to have a service here in Ohio, and then go straight to Tennessee to be burried. I'm going to tennessee to watch the burial, and to see my grandfathers [her husband] grave. I think while I'm down there, im going to do a grave sketching for both of them, and frame them. Art is one of the only ways I release my emotions, so I'm hoping it will help. Guys, please comment. I want to hear from my friends..... I want you guys to bring some kind of good advice or something. I just need a shoulder, so please..... help. Call, e-mail me, comment.. just do something. I want to tell you all that i love you, and that im sorry for anything i've ever done to hurt you. I want you to know just how much i care about you all because who knows when I wont have the chance to? I'm so sorry 3 Destorys the world I hate it when I'm right

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