||The 'plop' of my tears hitting the desk
I'll start from the begining.... from the root of all evil; School.
Yet another conflict between 'problem C' and myself. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that can't stand him though. Today when I looked at him, I realized something. Right after we broke up for the last time, I was really upset. I couldn't look at him without feeling some kind of love. He was never just Ch*d [yeah.. last time i used his name in a journal entry, i got a not-so-nice comment from him] he was 'my ex'. Every day i would see 'the guy i loved' or something along those lines. [what does an teenager know about love?!] Anyways... I looked at him today, and I saw a pompus jerk! I no longer had any nice feelings about him at all. I'm completely over him.
I walked home after school, and all was well. I was having a nice day despite the fact that 'problem C' called me a stupid bitch. [Yeah.... I was the one getting almost 4.0 while he got...... 1.5?] Anyways, when I got home I got online and talked to Roy and Joey. While Roy enticed me with his novella, Joey made funny faces at me on his cam. Okay guys.. we're going to take a break from the action. Roy's novella kicks arse. YOU ALL SHOULD READ IT!! If you want the link, lemme know. Mkay back to the story. After getting about 4 funny faces and 4 'bites' of a story, i was done. I said my goodbyes and got offline to get ready to go to youth group.
Youth group wasnt bad at all. John preached about how he used to be a stoner, and one day he was going to walk out on his life, and it was as if someone pulled him to the table and sat him down. He recapped his life and realized it went straight downhill. He wanted to get back on track, so he turned to God. Now he has a great life and wonderful kids. Perfect fairy-tale ending. It was nice to hear some stories like that. He started talking about how we all make wrong choices in life, and we need help..... If we ask we will recieve it. At that point, silent tears started to fall. I was thinking about all of the cutting, and all of the times i've put my self down. I just sat there and stared for a while. I felt numb.. It was the first time i've ever felt like that, but as I later realized, it wouldnt be the last.
Phil picked me up and drove me home from youth group. He told me my parents were tied up, but he didnt know where they were. I was skeptical, but i figured they were just at the store or something and lost track of time. When I got home I called Andrew as promised and talked to him for half an hour or so. On the surface everyone thinks he's so though and hardcore, but he's so sweet. He knows how to treat a girl, and he has a lot of respect. He's a really nice guy. After talking to him, I got online.
When I got online, I was greated by Blackie.... always a fun time!! He's so nice! Anyways, i talked to him for 5 minutes or so. Once again, he called me baby. :P I talked to Roy and Alison for a bit... Alison such a loser but I love her! Tomorrow is Mikes birthday... she's supposed to call me at 7 or so... we're going to sing to him. I'm going to tell her 'the news' then. Read on, and you'll see just what 'the news' is. That reminds me. Nick was supposed to be home tuesday night. It's now Friday, and still no word. I hope he's okay. =[
I got offline at about 11, and went to bed. My parents still werent home.... so I figured they went out to get food or something. Anyways, as I was slowly drifting out of my mind, my mom came in my room and woke me up. She told me my dad wanted to talk to me downstairs. An immediate wave of dread came over me. They only want to 'talk to me' when I mess up big time. I slumped downstairs trying to wake myself up along the way. When I walked into the living room, I saw my dad and my brother sitting on the couch, both of them in tears. Another wave of dread. My dad motioned for me to sit on the couch. I looked at my mom, now realizing she too, was crying. Everything seemed to turn black at that moment. I didnt see anything, but I heard the words loud and clear. 'Your Grandma Brown is dead.' No! That cant be! Any minute i'll wake up in my bed nice and cozy. This is all a bad dream. There was no longer darkness in the room... everything was back. I looked around and saw how ugly everything was. Even the most beautiful things seemed to lack their elegance. I then realized this wasnt just a bad dream. I started to cry. The only thing to cross my mind, was the last time I had talked to her. We had gotten into an argument, and we were both mad at eachother. The next day, my dad called her and she said nothing about it.. she had forgotten about it. She still loved me the same. I on the other hand, was still upset. Sitting on the couch with my family, I could only think about what I SHOULD have done. I SHOULD have told her sorry..... i SHOULD have told her i loved her... but now it's all gone. I don't have anymore chances. That brings us to now. Currently i have been crying for 2 and a half hours straight, and again i feel numb. The sadness is still there, but.... I'm numb. I'm crying without emotion. It's like... I'm terribly sad, but im not thinking about it.
I wont be at school for about a week. She wanted to have a service here in Ohio, and then go straight to Tennessee to be burried. I'm going to tennessee to watch the burial, and to see my grandfathers [her husband] grave. I think while I'm down there, im going to do a grave sketching for both of them, and frame them. Art is one of the only ways I release my emotions, so I'm hoping it will help.
Guys, please comment. I want to hear from my friends..... I want you guys to bring some kind of good advice or something. I just need a shoulder, so please..... help. Call, e-mail me, comment.. just do something.
I want to tell you all that i love you, and that im sorry for anything i've ever done to hurt you. I want you to know just how much i care about you all because who knows when I wont have the chance to? I'm so sorry