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Rachel's Journal

26th April, 2003. 9:21 pm.

check out all the freakin typos in that entry i just wrote, pretty funny.

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26th April, 2003. 9:05 pm.

Ok so yeah once again i was slackin off and haven't wrote in this....things are going ok. I am now finally 21, so yeah drinkin is no fun anymore LOL I got completely wasted on my birthday, rightfully so i would say. And needless to say I plan on never being that drunk ever again. graduation is fast approaching and i added 3 ore credits in order to do so. So now I'm up to 19 and I feel a little overwhelmed. I have so much work to do and no desire to do it. On a good note, a week from today is my last day at Hannaford. I can't do it anymore, I am not only not doing my work but feel like close kin to shamu. No time to work out with my appetite is not good. The only plus is that I usually don't have enough money to eat anything more than green beans.

On a different note, I always love sprong because tit is such a refreshing time of year, full of life and rebitth. Timing couldn't be better to find out my Aunt is going to be moved from her present grave in her asshole husbands family plot; to a place next to her sister, where she belongs. I feel like aunt diane is finally coming home. I am not a religious person but I feel like her soul will finally be able to rest in peace.

So this is a weird spring season for me.....I usually feel so at peace with myself but not this year. i feel like a need a little bridge to go over my troubled waters. (yeah so that was corny but oh well it gets my point across) Not to mention this whole issue of trying to find a job that pays more than hannaford. Ugh too many things to think about.

"I'm a lover not a fighter but I'll knock your teeth out."

Gotta love that. Ah well, here i go another saturday nihgt, left pondering my life and all its curiosities.....

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Current mood: bored.

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7th April, 2003. 11:00 am.

Yippee!!!! I have slept soundly for two days now....I guess home does more for me than I realized. Now if only this damn snow would go away!!! I took out all my skirts and shorts (yeah believe or not I own like 3 pair) in hopes for summer, possibly wishful thinking, but hey you can say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one! lol So yeah I guess things are finally looking up, I kinda don't want to go back to potsdam, everything is so stress free down here. But then again, I don't think I could go for long without seeing my peeps up there. They mean alot more to me than I think they realize! I look outside and see all this damn white stuff and I all I can think about is grilling, beach volleyball, swimming, tanning (i am almost transparent now,im so pale!), boating, oh and yeah WARMTH! 10 days till my birthday....I'm just a little excited:-) My family keeps asking me what I want, I have no clue!!! Mom got me another hoodie, LOL, I know I know like I needed another one.....but I just love them soooo much! Hmmmm maybe thats what I'll have g and g get me...a nice knit one for the summer months. I need new running shoes, but you know you can't have someone else pick them out....man how about a new WRX sti ? in rally blue...LOL yeah right. ok well yeah im rambling so I'm def. feeling like myself again!!! A big thanks to all of you who have helped me get through this weird little stint. I love you all!!!

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5th April, 2003. 9:32 pm.

Well being back home is def. a positive thing. The only problem is I really cannot sleep. I thought once I was home I would sleep fine, but I either can't fall asleep or can't stay asleep. So I wake up in the morning after falling asleep at like 4am, and I feel drained and miserable. Atleast tomorrow starts another rigorous excercise routine....I have been sooooo lazy this past week. But when I think about it, I really had no time to do much but sleep (when i could), work and go to class. I can't even explain how I feel lately. It is a depression like sleepless state that I hope goes away soon, I can't handle much more of it. My mom paid my cell bill today, nothin irks me more than having to have people help me. I just started crying uncontrollably and I think my parents think I'm going insane. I wonder if that would be completely inaccurate. Well I guess I'm gonna try to go to bed early tonight....maybe that will help. If anybody knows any fool-proof ways to crack mild insomnia, please let me know. I'm afraid I might be starting to look as crappy as I feel. Blah.

Current mood: drained.

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4th April, 2003. 10:20 pm.

So I suppose all is better on the friends front. I am playing it all off to my extra lonliness and calling it a damn funny episode of real world:potsdam. As for people being real friends, that will show itself in time. I'd like to think that they are but you never know....I think thats the biggest issue lately, i don't know anything, nothing is for sure anymore...everything is like freakin jello in my life right now. All wiggly and sliding through my fingers. I knew I had bad luck, but lately its out of control. atleast I'm home now....no watching people be all over each other (cuz call my a bad person but that really irks me), no being put out, no being miserable, just being whoever the hell i want to be becuase im home and people here love me for me :-)
I just wish this past week never happened, i feel like such an ass over the whole episode. But then again if some people wouldn't send mixed signals.... All I know is no guy will ever come between me and kater again. And if does...then they are all history...but i don't think it will.....this was just some fluke thing im sure. Man well i hope this spring break proves a nice getaway....it would be better if i didn't have so much freakin work to do and so little money....
All i know is this....my dixie quote about not falling for "love that fades before the morning light" is now being put into full action. I can't handle stupid shit like what happened this past week. I suppose if boys weren't so stupid it would be easier but oh well...girls can be stupid too I suppose, LOL. Time for a nice long sleep in my comfy bed with all my kitties.....night all.

Current mood: exhausted.

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2nd April, 2003. 3:53 pm.

Wow, so I haven' t posted in a really long time. I think thats becuase when real life serious stuff is actually happening you never want to talk about it. Like for instance....i might not graduate becuase of three freakin credits that the registrar says im missing (in the process of working that out), my cell got shut off cuz i have no money, i have no money becuase I f@$&ed my bank account up and now owe my life to key bank (really i had to sign in blood, so if anybody wants to battle Carol down at keybank with a guitar or fiddle to get my soul back it would be greatly appreciated), and then there is my shitty job at hannaford, which i hate soooo much. The big one is that i live in an episode of the real world and can't seem to get out. So my best friend possibly hates me for the rest of my life (guess that wouldn't make her my best friend, but im not sure yet so it stands) and it could have all been prevented if I deciced NOT to get up close and personal with the captain.Cuz i always say stupid stuff then. Thats another bad sign, ive taken to hard liquer lately, and thats never good. And then theres always the fact that there is always someone whom i like but never really know if I should. And I wonder about the quality of my friends, when they knowingly risk hurting my feelings , thats when i begin to wonder if they really care at all. And then I wonder well maybe it's my fault that i let them take that chance and didn't say anything? Who's to blame the murderer or the guy who drives the car? Both are knowledgeable of the crime....but is it the responsiblility of the driver to say something? I think it is, but then again, you shouldn't be murdering people to begin with. Now thats a weird example i know but it seems to fit. With the exception that there are two murderers in my case. LOL, that sounds funny.....they are NOT muderers let me make that clear. It was a hypothetical situation to show a certain issue. Well jeez if we didn't have morals then this wouldn't be a problem now would it?
You know what is weird? Lately i have been thinking about love alot. Like how will i know if I'm ever in love again? Will I ever be in love again? Have I ever been in love for real? And will someone ever love me? And how will I know?
I also think about the depth of feelings I have for people I am not "with". I tell myself I do not like them anymore than "like" but then when I look into their eyes sometimes I feel as though it is more than that. But I can't say anything cuz that would just be weird. It's not love, i don' think, whatever love is, and it's more than like, so what is it? What is that feeling you get? WE seem to focus on love so much that as a culture it seems to attainable, so automatic, but its not, its serious and long and hard to come by. So its not always there but you don't have to love someone to want to be with them so what is that? We seem to have no word for it, our language prohibits us from expressing what we truly feel and so for lack of a better word we say we are in "love" when that may not be the case. But yet we do love our friends, thats a different kind of love. arg the thougts that fill my head lately are so overwhelming. On a last note, some food for thought, when do you know when to tell someone how you feel about them? We fear rejection and so therefore we fear our very own hearts.......we seem to never let the heart lead, but instead trail it behind like a lame horse, purely holding on to it for fear of letting it go.

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19th March, 2003. 12:18 am.

I'm in the funniest mood right now, some have hit it right on the head with the term "crack monkey". Seriously. I am like bouncin off the walls, i gotta go mop the floor or somethin....wink wink......Who knows, a likely combination of repressed stress, sexual frustration, and my usual weird self. Well that's why you love me!!!! It feels good to be back to normal.....LOL I was getting waaaaaay too serious there for a bit! This little crack monkey has been jumpin on the bed a little too long...time for bed....

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18th March, 2003. 3:51 pm.

So this week is going a little bit better now. I have all current issues resolved except for my slacking, that needs to be done with tonight and tomorrow. I cannot fail! OMG that would be soooo embarrassing. But hey, whatever. So yeah kate and I had the nicest talk today, just one of those about anything and everything talks and I have felt so much better about life in general ever since. And I'm growing ever more confident about my body as well. I wore shorts to stewarts this morning and wasn't self concious at all!!! Yeah for me. So yeah I'm a big freak about the whole body thing but oh well, it just keeps me lookin good (wink wink).
I didn't do a whole lot for St. Patty's day. Kate's house had a party but we chilled upstairs watching a movie. I was soooo anti social last night, yes me antisocial! Gretch, Kate and I just chilled. It was wonderful but I def. didn't get any work done. I can't wait for spring break, I need the break like now! I feel so drained by school work, and I'm still behind! I really really don't want to work over spring break but it is lookin like I might have to. Bummer man. Well I've got tons of work to do, better get some done before I have to work this damn citation workshop tonight. Yeah doesn't that sound like a happenin time.

Current mood: hungry.

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17th March, 2003. 3:45 pm.

My name profile :"As Rachel you are rather serious-minded, responsible, and stable. You have the gift of tact and diplomacy, and possess a charming, easy-going nature which endears you to others. You have a serious desire to understand the heart and mind of everyone, and could be very effective in a career or in volunteer work where you are handling people and serving in a humanitarian way. This name also gives you a love of home and family, and as a parent you would likely be fair and understanding. You remember the thoughtful little expressions of affection and appreciation that mean so much to others, and you have the ability to create a warm and loving environment. However, you tend to put things off and avoid facing issues because of a lack of confidence and uncertainty. You often need encouragement from someone before you can come to a decision. This name creates a generally well-balanced and healthy nature, but any weakness in the health would cause problems in the fluid functions, such as kidney or bladder trouble, overweight, or swelling of the legs and ankles."

Wow, pretty accurate. Isn't it funny how we fit our names like that sometimes? So I think I got most of my problems from this weekend under wraps. I just feel like I can never get anywheres. No matter how hard I try life just wants to keep knocking me down. I feel so worthless lately, seriously. I know that sounds pathetic, but its the best word I could come up with. worthless, having no worth, no reason for being here, that pretty much sums it all up. But we all feel like that sometimes ,I suppose, and with time it will pass. Lisa always tells me that for every one bad thing that happens to me like 5 good things are suppose to happen, man I hope she's right. So come tomorrow I can go grocery shopping and put some gas in my car. Not that I need to eat...i feel so fat lately! ugh! it's such a horrible feeling, like I know I'm not FAT, but still the feeling is awful. So I keep running and it'll go away soon enough, stress makes me gain weight, so with that gone soon hopefully I'll be back to my skinny self. I want nothing more than to be comfortable in shorts this summer. Imagine that, Rachel wearing shorts! What a revelation that would be . But enough babbling....I'm gonna go run now, cuz it's nice outside. And then it's time to hit up the library...failure is not an option.

Current mood: indescribable.

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15th March, 2003. 11:45 pm.

So yeah remember that weird feeling that something bad was going to happen? Yeah well I think everything bad that coulda happened did all today. I really don't want to go through it all for the sake of my own mental health, but in short....it cost me over $200 to go to the bar and it wasn't becuase of alcohol.....that has like 4 differnt parts to it but whatever, come monday i have some serious issues to deal with. So then there is another thing that keeps bothering me, but I've come to rather depressing conclusion on that. And then my boss )who is a preist like guy) tells me that I have horrible luck and should just stop trying.... that was like the third time today someone informed me that I was THE unluckiest person they knew, well I'm just pretty fuckin special aren't I? I mean, seriously. But i'll figure something out...I always do. But if you woulda talked to me at 11 this morning I woulda told you I had no money, no car, no food, and no way to get to work. But I do have good friends. Thats a VERY good thing! Kate savd my ass hard core today, a firm reminder of wy I love her so much. If only I could find a guy that loves me as much as she does, I'd be set! Well on that note....goodnight

Current mood: blah.

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