Cinderella's Journal

1:59AM

when i was little and i was angry at my mom i would sit in my room cleaning and have these long conversations in my head. typically they were with psychiatrists, sometimes they were with her, other times i would talk to my grandpa. but no matter what i would just let everything out. i would tell my mom how angry i was at her for everything she had done. looking back i am glad i did that. it helped me deal with all the shit my little heart couldnt take in real life. i would say whatever i felt. something i couldn't do with any real person.

the night of easter i spent on my sisters couch in portland. i tried to fall asleep but, as it has been the case for the past year, i couldnt. i tossed and turned trying to take my mind off of that night. the more i tried to change my chain of thought the more i thought off the guys. i couldn't stop thinking of the specifics. i walked myself through the night, step-by-step. bringing the beers to nathan's. saying bye to kenzie, nathan and jake. driving to some unfamiliar area in seattle. i brought myself to the apartment again. i recounted the drinks in my head, checking to make sure i didnt drink to much. making sure it wasnt just a crazy night of drinks and sex. i kept trying to figure out each step of the night. did i do something wrong? was i to blame? no matter how i figured it, i can't take the blame. and thats where i came to my conversation.

i think that what brought on the conversation was my last encounter with josh. i was working and my friend lindy was gettign in the elevator with him. she made a little comment to me. i responded and he made some humorous remark toward me and i just wanted to punch him. he is just so fucking charming and thats what drives me nuts. he is a grown up version of the kids that are always told that the are cute. he is just so smug. i didnt say anything back to him which i guess is fine but at the same time i jsut wanted to say fuck you. don't you talk to me. don't pretend like we are friends. don't act like you are a good person. don't say that jesus is your best friend. you are a fucking prick and if there is any justice in the world you will pay.

so easter night i imagined this scenario. i am upstairs smoking. he comes up to me. he starts some sort of casual conversation. and i just lay into him. i tell him all of my thoughts over the past seven months. i tell him that i think he is a worthless peice of shit. that i hope he keeps wasting away. i hope he amounts to nothing. i hope he stops dreaming the way i had to stop dreaming. i hope he has to second quess every decision he makes just the way i do. i hope he has to put his entire life on hold to figure out that he has lost himself. i hope he hates himself. i hope that he cant bear to even think of all the destruction he has casued with his being. i hope that can never be in a meaningful relationship. i hope that continues to turn to alcohol and drugs for his escape. i hope he escapes into some world that he can't control. i hope he dies inside.

the whole internal dialogue seemed almost like a dream. it came so quickly. it was so real. i cried as i said those things. i was there. i wish i could say what i feel to his face but i know i don't face the guts and i know the drama that would bring. i just need to cut loose. i need to start dreaming again.

2:09AM - my life

So when I was driving around with Julie we both discussed how we had been journaling and how we both considered transcribing it onto blurty but I knew that I wasnt going to do it. I write without any filter in my journal. Everything that I have thought I try to write down, well at least anything with any sort of consequence. But for some reason tonight I want to do it. Kim gave me a journal this yeasr for christmas because she knows (more than i did at the time) that i needed it. It's perfect. It's black leather and has a little circular peephole on the cover that would have normally just shown the pink on the cover page but instead kim put a picture of a dove. Superficially because it is what i want tattooed on my body but more meaningfully it is a symbol of peace. When you open the cover you can see kim's flawless handwriting saying "Faith..." above the dove and "...Hope" below it. Anyhow I have been writing in it as much as I can bring myself to for the past couple weeks. Some of this wil be edited because although I love you guys and trust you there are some thoughts that are just too personal and too raw for me to share at this moment. But here goes.....(i apologize in advance for its length and its melodramatic style)

1.5.06

So Kimmi gave me this book because I desperately need it. I am a mess. A mess physically, emotionally, mentally. These past couple months have tested me to a point I never thought possible. I have always appeared to be a very stable person, and I still do. Sometimes I believe it. Other times, like this very moment, I don't. I am laying on my bed with stacks of clean, folded clothes that I have just organized at an attempt to accomplish something in my day off. My body is sore. I have a headache. My face is numb and raw in parts. My lips burn. My entire body aches from last night. Sometimes I wonder why I do the thing I have been for the past year but I rarely give it any real thought. I just shrug my shoulders and postpone my analysis for another time. A couple months ago I went out to coffee with Jessi and confessed how I been struggling with alcohol abuse. I told her that I thought I was an alcoholic and that very same night I called my mom to get the number of the therapist our friend had suggested for me. Then thing is, the next morning I told myself that I was blowing everything out of proportion the night before and to a certain extent I still believe it. I don't think I am an alcoholic at this point in my life, though I do think I have the potential to be one in the future. That night I claimed I had hit my rock-bottom. Then night before that (only a day after Jerred and I had become official) I hung out with one of our mutual friends and after lots of drinking (and a WHOLE lot of puking) things got out of hand...... I have made an innumerable amount of mistakes in my life but that night is the only thing I truly regret. I don't think of myself as selfish but I think to a certain point you have to be selfish in order to maintain a sense of self hate. That is probably the greatest irony of my life. I hurt others because I don't realize the impact my life has on the ones close to me. After the rape i saw the pain in my parents. I hear the hurt in my sisters voices but I still have yet to accept my impact on their lives. I own my responsibility in that night, i don't blame myself for it. However, that wasn't my first time having sex. It wasn't my last time. It wasn't the only time I had sex and I didn't really want it. It wasn't the only time I had sex that I wasn't really present for....... I feel cheap. I feel betrayed. I feel obligated. I have been used. I know I have been used but the only person I can for it is myself. I have told myself continuously that I am not being used if I too am using the guy but that is bullshit. I even pretended as if it were some form of feminism. When it comes down to it I feel like shit. There is no way to justify making yourself feel like shit everyday. Katy Binder told me the night after the rape (before I had realized that's what is was) that it doesn't matter what they did it's how it makes you feel the next day. I have to hold myself accountable to that also. This whole summer and ever since then I have allowed myself to be raped. I rape myself when I drink in certain situations. I rape myself when I say it's just a one night thing and it's no big deal. I can't allow myself to be raped anymore.

1.11.06

So I haven't been able to sleep for the past week. It's not the typical "I'm not tired until late" thing I've had for months. No matter what time it is I lay in bed and just think. I always think about the 3 guys. Max tends to be forgotten. Aaron frequents the thoughts, but it's really Josh that I think about every night. I look at his myspace. I think about what he told his girlfriend about me, about that night. I think about what he's told people at Chang's. I think about he and Aaron hanging out together. I think about Josh and Max going sledding together. I never think about them doing what they did to me to some other girl again. I don't know why that is. I think people expect me to. But I don't. I think about how great their lives must be. I feel as though they have all won- and that is what kills me. Nothing has come of my charges. They all have their jobs. Josh just got a new car. He's back with his girlfriend. Max has a girlfriend. Aaron is hooking up with countless girls (and I hope to god they are all willing). How have they paid for what they've done? I talked with Max which pretty much resulted in me absolving him of any wrongdoings. Josh wouldn't have got his job back at Chang's if I hadn't allowed it. I wish I had punished them more. I don't think it's an issue of being a bigger person, it's an issue of justice. Where is the justice? At this point in my life I don't believe it exists. Everyone says the world's not fair and I believe it. I have welcomed myself into the real world.

4:56AM - =)

that a ridiculous quiz! but i am not above it.

Which Disney Princess Are You? Cinderella You poor girl, working your hands to the bone for your wicked stepmother and ugly stepsisters. Cinderella first scrubbed up for her role in Cinderella (1950)

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

4:41AM - please notice what time it is=)

So I just got home from Jerred's and I made one of the only good decisions I have for a really long time.

We were just hanging out and it was getting late so he got into his bed. So I did what I do everytime he goes to bed- i hopped in with him. I had just told Alexis hours before that I'd been doing it and that it wasnt smart. And I know that it isnt. I really do. But sometimes you make stupid decision that'll hurt you in the long run just so you have that moment of happiness. But as I was laying there I just couldnt do it. I kept on thinking about how my feelings for him are so strong but I am almost certain that these feeling arent reciprocated. Eventhough it felt so nice having him right next to me it felt so empty. It only felt great because in my messed up little head I was thinking that this means something to him also. And it really doesnt. I am just his friend and I have to accept that. So I just got up and told him that i had to go and that it wasnt smart for me to be there. He agreed and told he he was sorry. But instead of driving home like any sane human would do at 3:30 in the morning I went on a drive and I am pretty sure I saw every main street there is in Seattle and smoked every last cigarette in my pack (the pack that I was goign to try to make last until my birthday.) But after a long drive and a little crying, I feel somewhat empowered which probably sounds ridiculous given that all I did was get out of a bed. I feel like for the first time in a very long while my life might be headed in the right direction. I hope to be normal sometime in the near future. Well at least normal for me

11:46PM - JASKDJAKLDJA (ode to nathan)

i am incapable of making a decision on my own. that alone scares me more than anything else. i feel like everything i am is just based on the consensus of others. i have yet to make an actual decision for myself and i think that is why i do my little rebellious acts. i have NEVER done my homework and i have a less than spotless attendence history. its the one thing i choose for myself and no matter how destructive it may be, it is my own world. its the onve thing that i can control and no one else has a say over it. maybe i am looking to far into it but there has to be areason i am a chronic underachiever other than being lazy because i am just not lazty anywhere else. WHY?!

12:15AM - what a mess i am.

I really am a little frustrated at the moment with everything (friendships, parents, schooling…or lack thereof) but at the same time I can't bring myself to a pity-fest because I am always working on the fundraiser and I can’t help but think of the orphans in Rwanda every moment of the day and then my life doesn't seem so bad. I just need to grow up. I just try thinking about what is yet to come. Perhaps next year won't be all that I have let it become in my mind but is what gets me through each day. I am not good at updating but I will try to, but right now I am just procrastinating from preparation for my Rwanda presentation tomorrow so I must go.

7:45PM - SURVEY!

I have decided i am going to update regualrly now.


A is for - Age: 18, WHAT! WHAT!
B is for – Best friend(s): my soul mates….
C is for - College/Career: MAKING SWEET LOVE TO MY ROOMIES!!! PILL HILL!!! WOOOHOO!
D is for - Dog: English Staffordshire bull terrier! THEY ARE SOOO CUTE!
E is for - Essential item: my boy toy
F is for - Favorite song at the moment: redemption song- Lauryn Hill
G is for - Girls you've kissed: well does intercourse count as kissing?...
H is for - Hometown: Bellevue.
I is for - Ice cream flavor: peanut butter and chocolate
J is for - Job title: barista!
K is for - Kids: my lovers…my slaves…my love slaves…
L is for - Living arrangement: with the rents but not for long….
M is for - Mood: eh
N is for - Number of people you've been kissed by: 3
O is for - Overnight hospital stays: birth?
P is for - Phobia(s): clowns, masks, “illicit hooch”
Q is for - Quotes you like: oh god I am a quote junky
R is for - Relationship status: well I feel like I am married, but he just doesn’t know yet…TALENT SHOW HERE I COME!
S is for - Sucks: republicans? but not until after marriage.
T is for - Time you wake up: 5:50-6:50
U is for - Unique trait: I can stick my pinky up my nose to my second knuckle
V is for - Vegetable you love: my grandpa.
W is for - Worst habit: procrastination? I don’t know I don’t really have any bad habits. I am PERFECTION.
X is for - X-rays you've had: I want a stingray.
Y is for - Yummy food you make: quesadillas? (though I burn some...sorry Winston.)
Z is for - Zodiac sign: I surpass all signs

1. Nervous Habits: EVERY SINGLE ONE. Nail biting, hair fidgeting, erratic movements, slurring of words…EVERFYTHING
2. Are you double jointed: my woman is.
3. Can you roll your tongue: yes
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time: just the right.
5. Can you blow spit bubbles: I just did
6. Can you cross your eyes: yes.
7. Tattoos: I WANT one but I can’t think of anything. LISA- WE ARE GETTING ONE WHEN WE MOVE IN! (And we are giving one to Jake when we get him drugged up)
8. Piercings: none that you can see… I don’t where my earrings. What were you thinking?
9. Do you make your bed daily: nope. I have my lover make it for me.

-- CLOTHES --
10. Which shoe goes on first: right
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone: yeah I am hella into that.
12. On the average, how much money do you carry: depends if I have tips. Nothing-$80
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7: nothing I WOULD be wearing my Ariel bracelet if riley hadn’t stolen it
14. Favorite pieces of clothing: oh god! I choose a favorite child (Lisa) quicker than I could choose my favorite article of clothing.

-- FOOD --
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it: my mommy cuts it for me. No I HATE cut spaghetti I am all about the twirling though my twirls get too big sometimes
16. Have you ever eaten Spam: yeah, in sushi it was SO good!
17. Favorite ice cream flavor: Already answered that!
18. How many cereals in your cabinet: 2, but 5 if you include hot cereal but if you do include hot cereal then you are a ridiculous piece of crap and I hope you stop reading my survey RIGHT NOW!
19. What's your favorite beverage: my hot chocolate surprise=) I love my Richard.
20. What's your favorite restaurant: Dick’s? I don’t know I don’t really care about food that much
21. Do you cook: when I have to but I am always too hungry to wait for something to cook, so I usually just eat raw chicken thighs…

-- GROOMING --
22. How often do you brush your teeth: after I shower and when I wake up in the morning
23. Hair drying method: oh god. Okay well it depends if I want it a little curled or just straight. If I want it straight then I just blow dry it and straighten it but if I want it curled theeen I section it off and blow dry it with a round brush a little by little it gets done.
24. Have you ever colored / highlighted your hair: yes.

-- MANNERS --
25. Do you swear: FUCK YES!
26. Do you ever spit: eh, I don’t think so

-- FAVORITE --
27. Animal: hippo, moose, armadillos (they kind of creep me out right now)
28. Food: buffalo wings, why do you even ask?
29. Month: I don’t like months, I am more of a week person.
30. Day: Friday, come on-it’s FRIDAY!!!
31. Cartoon: anything anime! Oh to be Asian…
32. Shoe brand: that I can afford?
33. Subject in school: gov? I guess... I don’t know
34. Color (black and white are shades not colors): green or red
35. Sport: hockey or shopping
36. TV show: I don’t have time for such trivial matters
37. Favorite Disney Movie: PATCH’S LONDON ADVENTURE!!!
37. Thing to do in the spring: collecting the snails from my moms gardening bucket… I wish I could be 4 again.
38. Thing to do in the summer?: pimpin’, it is by far the smuttiest time of the year
39. Thing to do in the fall?: depends on the year

-- IN AND AROUND --
41. In the CD player: waiting for my rocket to come but I don’t really listen to music on a cd player. Is this the 90s?
42. Person you talk most on the phone with: kimmi?
43. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors: I usually check other people out in mirrors and through their windows….
44. What color is your bedroom: tan and khaki=)
45. Window seat or aisle: aisle, I have to drink a lot otherwise I get sick and I have to pee a lot of otherwise I wet my seat

-- LA LA LAND --
47. What's your sleeping position: I like the top.
48. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket: I go for the naked under the sheet action
49. Do you snore: one person claimed I did, buuuuut I think she was just embarrassed because she talked in her sleep
50. Do you sleepwalk: I used to, when I was little. I actually did it every night when I was potty training. I would walk around the house looking for the bathroom and my parents had to direct me to the bathroom. One night we had a babysitter and the girl was watching TV downstairs and she didn’t notice me so when my parents came home I was sleeping pantless underneath the kitchen table with my butt sticking up in the air
51. Do you talk in your sleep: no
52. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: nope, but I sure do love my teddy
53. what about with the light on: nope
54. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on: nope, sometimes some king radio
55. Last interesting person you met: I meet interesting people at work EVERYDAY.


HAVE YOU EVER...
1. Kissed your best friend? One of them was my best friend at the moment…
2. Ran away: no but I have planned it out MANY times, pretty much every week growing up
3. Pictured who you are going to marry: who HAVENT I pictured marrying? seriously. It’s a sickness. I have a disease.
4. Skipped school: I only skipped 3rd today. None yesterday. 1st on Monday and accidentally on Tuesday
5. Broken someone's heart: okay, they were PSYCHO so I don’t consider it ME breaking their heart I consider their obsession and personality disorder broke theirs heart.
6. Been in love: besides buffalo wings?...no. 
7. Cried when someone died: of course
8. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: pretty much everyone I have liked.
9. Broken a bone: no sir e bob!
10. Done something embarrassing: ………..
11. Lied: okay I lied about being in love with buffalo wings, its more like I am in lust with them
12. Cried in school: well everyone I know has just been dieing and so yes.

WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX...
13. What do you notice first: teeth. Is that weird?
14. Last Person You Slow Danced With: my first voluntary high school dance experience was homecoming and I danced with my one true love.
15. Worst Question To Ask: is your sister single? SHE ISN’T. sort of.
16. Showered: well not yet. But next year we will only have one shower…
17. streaked: nopes but my life is not yet over

ABOUT YOU...
19. Romantic memory: Mexico.
20. Your Good Luck Charm:
21. Person You Hate Most:
22. Best Thing That Has Happened: Lisa, my one and only.
23. On your desk: oh all my crap
24. Picture on your desktop: kimmi’s eye

FAVORITE...
25. Color: done that
26. Movie: I don’t play this game.
27. Artist or band: Lauryn Hill. Lisa I love how we are at the same place at the same time.
28. Cars: Karmann Ghia
29. Ice Cream: done this
30. Food: DONE THIS

WHO...
31. Makes You Laugh The Most: everyone makes me laugh
32. Makes You Smile: Shirley Temple
33. Can Make You Feel Better No Matter What: my baby!
34. Has A Crush On You: I highly doubt that anyone does.
35. Do You Have A Crush On Someone: yes.
36. Who Has It Easier?: I don’t think I can answer that question.
37. Gives You A Funny Feeling When You See Them: Leffler. You were talking about a funny feeling in my pants, right?

DO YOU EVER...
38. Sit By The Phone Waiting For A Phone Call All Night: nope I just go online.
39. Save AIM Conversations: nope
40. Save E-mails: of course
41. Forward Secret E-mails: uh…
42. Wish You Were Someone Else: would you judge me if I admitted to day dreaming about be the NEW Mrs. Leffler?
43. Wish You Were a Member of The Opposite Sex: nope
44. Kiss: I am not really about foreplay
45. Cuddle: of course. Especially with my cuddle pals.
46. Go Online For Longer Than Eight Hours At A Time: I hope not.

HAVE YOU EVER...
47. Fallen For Your Best Friend?: yes.
48. Made Out With JUST A Friend: yes.
49. Kissed Two People In The Same Day?: does my mom count?
50. Had Sex With Two Different People In The Same Day?: who do you think I am?!yes.
51. Been Rejected: yes.
52. Been In Love?: nope.
53. Been In Lust?: yes.
54. Used Someone?: I think so. I am a horrible person.
55. Been Used?: nope.
56. Dumped Someone?: haha, yes.
57. Been Cheated On?: nope.
58. Been Kissed?: yes.
59. Done Something You Regret?: I don’t regret. Maybe I should.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...
60. You Touched?: the man at the taco trailer. Our hands met for a brief moment. It was magical.
61. You Talked To?: my dad
62. You Hugged?: my Jakey Poo
63. You Instant Messaged?: my Jakey Poo
64. You Kissed?: I rather not say.
65. You Yelled At?: oh god. I am very violent. Perhaps lisa and zena in a scream of excitement….
66. You Thought About?: all the people involved with the talent show extravaganza
67. Who Text Messaged You?: my little Nathan=) one love for life!
68. Who Broke Your Heart?: I dont want to talk about it. haha
69. Who Told You They Loved You? Jakey? My mommy? the man at the taco trailer? I don’t know I am full of love.

70. Color Your Hair? Yes, I will one day be blonde
71. Have Tattoos?: I WILL!
72. Have Piercings?: yes, but I want more…
73. Have A boyfriend/girlfriend?: no. (I am weeping inside)
74. Own A Webcam?: nope
75. Own A Thong?: okay I used to not were them but once you start you cant stop they are the best. And I don’t care what you think of me.
78. Ever Get Off The Damn Computer?: nope.

god that took forever!

10:53PM

10:27PM

Shuffle your entire library in Winamp, iTunes, Musicmatch, etc. and list the first 10 songs it plays here:

1. Song To The Moon- Milada Subrtova
2. Old Piano- Frou Frou
3. Ballad of a Thin Man- Bob Dylan
4. Santa, Can You Hear Me?- Britney Spears
5. Jesus the Mexican Boy- Iron and Wine
6. Thankful Heart- Michael Caine and the Muppets
7. Teach Your Children- Crosby, Stills and Nash
8. Embraceable You- Nat King Cole
9. I'll Fly Away- Alison Krauss and Gillian Welch
10. Love Sick- Bob Dylan


How random am i?

10:27PM

Shuffle your entire library in Winamp, iTunes, Musicmatch, etc. and list the first 10 songs it plays here:

1. Song To The Moon- Milada Subrtova
2. Old Piano- Frou Frou
3. Ballad of a Thin Man- Bob Dylan
4. Santa, Can You Hear Me?- Britney Spears
5. Jesus the Mexican Boy- Iron and Wine
6. Thankful Heart- Michael Caine and the Muppets
7. Teach Your Children- Crosby, Stills and Nash
8. Embraceable You- Nat King Cole
9. I'll Fly Away- Alison Krauss and Gillian Welch
10. Love Sick- Bob Dylan


How random am i?

9:49PM

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. kate
2. kakey
3. poontangskalleywagin'

THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE MOST:
1. disrespect
2. apathy
3. wedgies

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. sk8ingk8e
2. cowgirlkt
3. mommydingus (RIGHT THAT ONE DOWN PLEASE)

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my slippers
2. my sense of humor (at times)
3. my mad typing skills

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. messy
2. my talking voice (haha i know thats weird)
3. my feet

THREE THINGS YOU WISH YOU HAD RIGHT NOW:
1. the legend of ron burgundy
2. wake up ron burgundy
3. ron burgundy

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. irish
2. german
3. scottich

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. clowns
2. masks
3. bippity boppity O face

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. lovin'
2. bread
3. musica

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. homer slippers
2. shorts from my hot sis
3. my new undies (dont tell)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS/ARTISTS AT PRESENT:
1. iron and wine
2. george michael
3. bob dylan

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. livin with my jessi
2. graduating
3. strip aerobics (any takers?-- dont want to take it by myself)

THREE THINGS YOU NEED IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. coherency
2. trust
3. fine ass

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. When i am home alone i dance a round the house to the spice girls.
2. I dont like soda pop.
3. I wish i could breathe underwater.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE GENDER THAT YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. forearms
2. messy hair
3. nice smile

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. whistle with my fingers (or anyone else's fingers)
2. keep my room clean
3. be commited to things i am not passionate about

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. watching good movies
2. being an asshole
3. collecting slippers (i have jst started this colllection and i am excited about it)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. solve world hunger
2. graduate from high school
3. sing

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. wedding planner
2. radio journalist on npr
3. clown (if you cant beat em (literally) join em)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. greece
2. london
3. turkey

THREE KIDS NAMES
1. Jackson (thanks for stealing it jakey)
2. Robert Jay
3. Grace

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Live life with passion
2. Have 4 boys with my exteremly sexty husband
3. Have group sex with a bunch of midgets

3:04PM - this weekend

I know you all are heart broken. but this weekend I won't be able to see any of you because my sister is in town and i am her possesion. I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!! I AM PSYCHED!!!!

1:02PM - Movie Night

I cried myself to sleep last. As I laid there with my soggy pillow I thought of the moments you all had at Denny’s that I wasn’t able to partake in. I cried for hours thinking of the wisecracks that could’ve been. The awkward sexual moments that were never to be. I have decided I am going to quit my job at Starbucks in order to make sure I can attend the movie nights. Speaking of our get togethers…

THE MANACALA PARTY IS ON!
December 18th!
5PM!
Be there!

Real invitations are on their way and they will be AWESOME!!!

10:32AM - CHRISTMAS IS COMING!!!!!!!!!!

I am so psyched for Christmas!!!!! I can't wait until they put up the huge wreath at work! I can't wait until christmas music is everywhere! I have been living for the carousel rides in downtown seattle for the past four months! This is going to be the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER! I don't knwo why i am so excited for Christmas this year, maybe i am trying to connect to my childhood because its my last Christmas as a kid. I dont know. All I know is that I am excited and that i am going to have the coolest kickass Mancala Christmas party that has ever happened in the history of Bellevue!!!! And ech one of you is invited...unless you are some creep that i dont know...an ugly creep that i dont know...HOT creeps...we can work soemthing out. But yeah this party is going to be off the hook, but everyone has to dress up huckabees style and NO overalls or bonnets. I dont like ugly people. On that note, Merrry Christmas!

5:43PM

TODAY I GOT MY BLOOD DRAINED FROM MY BODY! its been quite the exciting day not only did i go to school, the Dr.'s and Wibbleys but i alos started to watch the last episode ofr Friends once again. I was going to watch the season finale of SNL but as a looked for the tape I came to the realization that i had actully given my teacher the tape inside a Dr. Strangelove whe i was unable to find the tape and did find a copy of Dr. Strangelove. Alright, thats enough writing. Here is my quiz results:


PASSIONATE LOVER. You love to love, always looking
for a relationship. You cannot live without it.
Your lover must be passionate and you want
that you and your partner melt into each other.
He/She should not try to take the domination .
You dont want a relationship without passion,
and the sexuality plays a big part. The first
moment you meet him/her is one of the most
important. There has to be something between
you , you cannot explain. From the first moment
on everything must fix. But when this passion
disappears you disappear to. For you it is
better to leave than to see your love
restrained.

PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always
message me or tell me how I can improve that
quiz. Ill sure write back.


~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla

8:26PM

I CANT STOP QUIZZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm Monica Gellar-Bing from Friends!

Take the Friends Quiz here.

created by stomps.







What does your underwear say about you?
Do you slip into something skimpy at every opportunity, or are you a mix-and-match kind of girl? Find out what your attitude to underwear says about you!


Dramatic diva
A visual person who loves drama, you adore sexy, pretty underwear in luxurious fabrics. Details are important to you and you see nothing wrong in pampering yourself with extra-special lingerie. You're a confident go-getter who likes a challenge and doesn't let minor problems set you back. Damaris super-sexy scanties are your dream buy, but Myla's sensuous silk undies suit your discerning taste. Roberto Cavalli's animal-print smalls from www.figleaves.com will appeal to your passionate side.
http://www.handbag.com/fashion/quiz/underwearquiz/?qtid=13430




what kitchen utensil are YOU?



Rocky Horror Picture Show


What movie quote are YOU? (w/pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla



Take the What Fruit Are You? test by Ellen!

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS....

You're Yohji Kudou!


The slightly dysfunctional Weiss Kreuz Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla


discover your inner candy heart @ quiz me

You are Ned. You don’t always see yourself as a rebel, but in fact you are high on the list of counter cultural activity for you have no embarassment about championing your cause. You laugh in the face of taste and style. Only truth matters to you. You will cry out when the Emperor Has No Clothes. You might not approve of rebels but you surely have a cause. Ned Flanders would be proud of you.


Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

I was suprised by this one, there were only 3 q's
regular, plain old sex-- boring to some, yet you
seem to love it. hey, do whatever pleases you!
(and of course your significant other)


What type of SEX do You enjoy?
brought to you by Quizilla


A GIRLY-GIRL. You dont have a lot of self-esteem
and people are always bringing you down for
being sad. What do they know, anyway? You feel
like youre too mature for your age and are
frustrated by the trend-followers who refuse to
accept you because youre not like them.
Your virtues: Intelligence, understanding nature,
modesty.
Your flaws: Lack of social life, inferiority
complex, timidity..




What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your the slang word fucka. the most common used
word in the black dictionary


Which slang word r u?
brought to you by Quizilla

8:26PM

I CANT STOP QUIZZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm Monica Gellar-Bing from Friends!

Take the Friends Quiz here.

created by stomps.







What does your underwear say about you?
Do you slip into something skimpy at every opportunity, or are you a mix-and-match kind of girl? Find out what your attitude to underwear says about you!


Dramatic diva
A visual person who loves drama, you adore sexy, pretty underwear in luxurious fabrics. Details are important to you and you see nothing wrong in pampering yourself with extra-special lingerie. You're a confident go-getter who likes a challenge and doesn't let minor problems set you back. Damaris super-sexy scanties are your dream buy, but Myla's sensuous silk undies suit your discerning taste. Roberto Cavalli's animal-print smalls from www.figleaves.com will appeal to your passionate side.
http://www.handbag.com/fashion/quiz/underwearquiz/?qtid=13430




what kitchen utensil are YOU?



Rocky Horror Picture Show


What movie quote are YOU? (w/pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla



Take the What Fruit Are You? test by Ellen!

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS....

You're Yohji Kudou!


The slightly dysfunctional Weiss Kreuz Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla


discover your inner candy heart @ quiz me

You are Ned. You don’t always see yourself as a rebel, but in fact you are high on the list of counter cultural activity for you have no embarassment about championing your cause. You laugh in the face of taste and style. Only truth matters to you. You will cry out when the Emperor Has No Clothes. You might not approve of rebels but you surely have a cause. Ned Flanders would be proud of you.


Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

I was suprised by this one, there were only 3 q's
regular, plain old sex-- boring to some, yet you
seem to love it. hey, do whatever pleases you!
(and of course your significant other)


What type of SEX do You enjoy?
brought to you by Quizilla


A GIRLY-GIRL. You dont have a lot of self-esteem
and people are always bringing you down for
being sad. What do they know, anyway? You feel
like youre too mature for your age and are
frustrated by the trend-followers who refuse to
accept you because youre not like them.
Your virtues: Intelligence, understanding nature,
modesty.
Your flaws: Lack of social life, inferiority
complex, timidity..




What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your the slang word fucka. the most common used
word in the black dictionary


Which slang word r u?
brought to you by Quizilla

8:13PM

i was suckered into writing an editorial on addiction for teen talk. i am currently tthrowing together random pieces of information and hopefully it will pass the test. these are tests i have taken. take them also, they will add spice to your life.

i can't see gandhi being sunset boulevard, but i guess wierder things have happened

8:28PM

I was inspired to take this quiz because of the one and the only julie kaplan (not so much only--more the only one we carea bout:) TAKE THE QUIZ! YOU WILL LIKE IT!

You Are a Peppermint Cappuccino You're fun, outgoing, and you love to try anything new. However, you tend to have strong opinions on what you like. You are a total girly girly at heart - and prefer your coffee with good conversation. You're the type that seems complex to outsiders, but in reality, you are easy to please What Kind Of Coffee Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

6:04PM - NEW UPDATE!

It has been quite some time since my last update. Has it been 9 months? I could have a baby and none of you would have known! Well, I dont want to upset you but I have not. I laugh to myslef as I read my old updates. What was with all my obsessions? 40 year old men? Rainbow connection? Chris Pontius? I have to be honest, lately I have been craving a good night of watching Jackass the Movie. You can never get sick of a matchobox car yup the butt. So what have I been up to? I hjust got home from getting my hair done. It looks exactly the same as it did before however I no longer have any roots. I am ending theis entry because it is extrememyl boring and i do not want to put you all through this.
Love you all!