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Saturday, March 24th, 2007
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12:29 pm - i want want want, what a selfish little girl
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i want a talent!
i want change!
the outside and inside of me.
i want a new wardrobe,
more punk and prep clothing!
i want my old personality back and to keep the new!
i want....yeah
current mood:  determined
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 28th, 2007
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5:27 pm - hair + god. wtf?!
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okays well, this friday i went to fringe, it's a church thing. and when people were going up to pray, i stay behind, obviously. too shy to go up. but i'm happy i didn't, becuase it got me thinking.
hair.
i was looking at my hair and this whole empethany (or however you spell it) happened to me.
us, humans, people, are like hair. yes, i said it, hair.
the scalp/head is the world, and we take up the world, the forehead and such is the water.
trimming ends: when the hair is cut, all the hairs are evern, giving everyone a new start, an even start. as niners coming into highschool. 12ers going off to uni and college. any one of those.
when the hairs start growing, they don't grow at the same pace, just like humans. some hit puberty first, other later, different experiences, first kiss, first A, first D, first love, first fuck, first true friend, first time losing a good friend, first death, first job, they all come at different times. it's what make us different.
a new cut: a change the person thought would be better for themselves, or what poeple said would be good for them. life's like that too. you want to change to like yourself more or make poeple like you more. or people change you to make themselves happy, becuase heavens forbids originallity
dying hair: people wanting change, physically, mentally, they want something new, seeing if it suits them, or if it doesn't, living life, trying out new things, it happens.
diseases: cancer, to treat it youu need kemo. kemo loses hair, doesnt mean you'll survive. humans are affected with disease constantly. some with luck survive and some who don't, well their single hair doesn't stay on the head.
shedding hair: everyone sheds hair, people with long hair lose about 20 hairs a day. shorter hair it's harder. people die constantly on this earth, no one cares, we dont when our hair sheds, we just pluck it off us and drop it on the ground or garbage, same with the dead, they're gone, we carry on like nothing happened. now losing all your hair at one moment or balding, then we notice and care, just like a good friend or family member, when they die, we notice. other then that no.
tying hair up, doing neat things: it's like friendship, when it's in a pony tail: all the hairs are close together, showing you that your bond is the closest it can ever be. when it is let out of the pony tail, the hairs are still close, still touching, your still friends, but there isn't that situation which brings yu as close as yu were before. pig tails: bringing half of your hair to one side and the other half to the other side. like friends, get into fights, stay away form eachother, dont wanna see eachother or talk. but eventualy they get tired and come back togther, knowing theres no point in being in a fight.
well i think thats all, yeah i know, you can call me crazy. i still think it's true.
current mood:  creative
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1:01 am - happy not so happy four months
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WELL WOW! i haven't updated for A WHILE! i know im sorry fan (yes i only have one reader lol) but yeah, things have been busy but im sooooo pissed right now, i need to write on BLURTY!
welll it's about my boyfriends, and my bestfriend's girlfriend. bottom line, they're are both being self-centered and selfish, funny cuase both their names are alex's!
i'll start off with my situation, then go to dave's (the bestfriend i was tlkaing baout above^^^^) and then go into mine and daves talk , okays, okays deal =] :
well, this whole startday night was planned since the last saturday night! last saturday i found out parents are going to a party, home alone babay! so my bf was suppose to come over, well today things happened, his parents were going out so he couldnt come over cuase he wouldnt be able to get a ride back. which i understood, things happen. im going to see him tmorrow (well not today) but maybe not anymore, considering we're not tlkaing. WELL continuing on, so majority of the time, if we don't see eachother, we're on the phone with eachother. i told him i had pictures of me topless (yes alix, i know! dont say antyhing ! lol ) and him being a boy obviously wanted them, i gave him one, he wantedf ALL , but i told him no, cuase he would have to earn them. but nope, he wanted them all. and during this time on the phoen while he was asking for it, i was taking picturees of myself, head shots, pg rated. and i sent him like 12. but nope, still wanted the other pictures, wasn't happyy with those, didn't say thank you. then i told him no, he got all pissed, wasn't tlkaing on the phone, i asked him what was wrong...
-what's wrong? why are yu mad?
-i'm not mad.
-well yu aren't tlkaing
-there's nothing to tlka about
(when he says this i know its when hes mad)
-well we were tlkaing about the picture thing weren't we
-yeah baout the pictures
then we stayed quiet for an hour on the phone, correction, he did, i was trying to talk to him, but no, he was still mad, FOR NO REASON.
oh then he started tkalking to me, after punching the boxing sack/bag thingy and letting his angry out, BUT WAIT, it wasn't over, while he was tlkaing to me, all he was saying was "picture?" "can i have a picture now?" "now?" OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! and i kept tleling him no, other then that, we tlkaed of nothing. i tried, didn't get far. then i got mad at him and told him to please stop saying it. he then told me he was getting off the phone. i think he could tell by the way i said bye i was mad, so he told me on msn that he wans't. but then started to show me all these things with other girls in bikinis and his prono dp. which got me mad. then to add into the fire he put in his pm on msn "Every girl should share there bodies with the world, or at least the ones they love.... " i know its about me, and he said "sotp being arogant, it about another friend. bull, who else would ahve a problem like that? so there he goes and lies to me. i said "happy four months" to him becuas ei noticed its our day, and he said "well its not that happey, but congrats" wow, nice huh? he later on sent me a "i love you monica" wink thing, and i said love you too. but our convo stopped there
now daves and alex problem: started right when they left to go to the movies, alex got into the car, dave said hi, she didnt hear, he didnt want (Well not that he didnt want to) but he didnt give her a kisss cuase he didnt want to be late, understandable, my alex has done that to me. she got mad, even thgough she could of said hi in the car first, then she was angry the whole night, he asked her what was wrong she said "im not tlkaing" etc, it got worse. she's still angry, being selfish, making this about her. her needs and feelings, not noticing how much dave does for her
now me + dave: well we're both pissed yet kind ahppy, happy to eachother. me dave alex and alex were suppose to go bowling to celebrate both of our anni's. but now it's settled its just me and dave doing the celebrating. =] can't bowling now with only two people haha so we'll just chill at his house. but continuing on, me and dave were talking how/what we did for our couple, and such letting out our emotions/stress. dave's alex was kinda of talking to him at the end, around 2 o clock, my alex still hasn't said anything to me. proably won't until the end of the day. so i won't be able to talk this out with him and our four months day will be gone. another ending that can't start off right, new years now this. *sigh*
well now he called me, we're on the phone, it's like he never saw what dave wrote in his msn names. or what i wrote. that everythings okay, it usually would be, but this time i want to let it out. but hes not asking me whats wrong, hes saying that i sound sad...ugh i really wanna tell him but i have no energy
okays well i wrote him an e-mail. i hope we can resolve things (yn) i hate it when we're in a fight.
current mood:  gloomy
current music: light my candle-rent
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| Sunday, January 7th, 2007
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7:10 pm - randomness
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okay time for some random thought everybuddy! get ready for it!:
im bored, lol
if i had to be a color id be black and green lol
i just found out that murtagh was eragons older brother! i missed that part in the story lol
im freeeeezing my body off at my sisters house...i dont think alex will be too happy with that lol
and im going downstairs for a bit, ill finsh this later
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2:31 pm - cravings and depression
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luck.
i don't have it
aleat not alot of it
as yu can tell
the only luck i have is yu asking me out and us still being togther
other the that, no luck at all
my recent bad luck:
first day of xmas break- hurt my neck/sholder blade, coudnt do anything bearly, couldnt go to work and get paid over time
xmas-couldnt spend it with alex, i was getting over that, it was xmas day and i was happy, and then my sims 2 broke
3 months anni.- got my period when we were suppose to spend time togther
new years- ...im not even going to get into that, lets just say that horrible memeory will never leave me
second last day of xmas break- MAJOR craving for him, was home alone but obviously i couldnt see it, him feel, hear him...
last day- got all ready for him, tried to look extra pretty, maybe even abit perect to make him happy, he hurts his neck and back
yeah i know,
this may sound gay to you but whatever
i can never get a happy day with him.
it's like there is a shield repelling us
that every new bulb that we screw in shatters and breaks,
giving us no light, no happiness
eww, i sound so gay, but im really depressed
i guess im letting it all out now
ew, i hate myself right now
i shouldnt be sad
thing happen
im still liven
maybe not happily
but still liven
ew i sound emo
im happy with life, i love living
theres so much to live for
and bad things do happen
but why does it have to happen when im the most thrilled?
can't it happen on a day thats mello, when im content
not when my heart wants to explode with exceitment
and we live for those days, remebering the one that happen,
and knowing more will happen in the future
but, if i cant ever get them,
what's the point of living
and NO im not going to kill myself
i have a good life,
great? perhaps
but the best ever, not even close.
i'm just asking for those special moments im suppose to have with him,
to actually happen.
but they won't
atleast not for now
not today
wow...what a way to end the break and start the new year!
if this is foreshadowing then im in a hell of a surprise
current mood:  crushed
current music: guardian angel- the red jumpsuit appartus
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| Sunday, December 10th, 2006
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12:19 am - i love my boyfriend
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okays, so that same night i ranted on, me and him made up! ^^ hehe (yes i know don't say it) we made up and im so happy! :D but i said that i wouldnt ask for the pictures anymore *sigh* i know. and then he wrote me this cute paragraph, WHICH ARE FOR MY EYES ONLY! HAHAHAAHAHAH and yeah. gah i love him! okays so this is the next day right? i might as well rant on about that, chilled with asian, fun fun time! had my interview! GOT THE JOB BITCHES AAHAHAH! well...i shouldn't be too happy becuase i have to clean a lot and left things and tend to 10 things at a time lmao, but we'll see how it will go! okays, then after my interview asian and i went to timmy's and met up with alex tucci and conor, so we chilled with them, and then i went back to asians house, then she cane over but left on the bus to go se her bf. so then tucci came over and well....we...watched...yes watched...a movie... hehe, its 12:27 and my parents aren't home yet, damn! he should of stayed longer! hehe well this just means we have to have a next time!
current mood:  chipper
current music: light my candle -rent
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| Friday, December 8th, 2006
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8:17 pm - don't get a boyfriend
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EERRRRGGG!!
MY BOYFRIEND IS BEING SO GAY!
HE'S UNFAIR AND GREEDY AND MEAN AND A LIAR!
honestly! he gets me so mad! he's writtin a story about characters who are based off us. and he's not letting me read his story! which has ME in it! and i only have chpaters 1,2,and 3 out of 13+! and so he promised me chapters 4 and 5 WHICH of course i still DONT have! he's never going to give me them. i just know it. also, one time and him had a bet, rules were if i won i'd get pictures that people drew for the story and he'd get somehting (forgot what it was) guess what. i won, and of course he says no and doesnt play fucken fair! it always has to benefit him! ALWAYS! it can never be what i want, if he wants a picture from me he gets it, if he wants kisses he gets them, anything he wants from me he gets. i get shit! so then if i can't get all the pictures, al i want is one, but i still can't get one...out of like THREE HUNDRED! what a greedy fuck.
ugh! i'd break up with him if i didn't love him and thought that this will get over...
and now he blocks me on msn! honestly! fuck
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
HOW DO YU LIKE THAT ALEX!
CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT ME SWEARING!
FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCK
ugh...im so pissed right now...im ending this.
current mood:  angry
current music: i can't stand it -cascada
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| Monday, November 20th, 2006
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5:09 pm - oucch
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oh my, well my second day worken out at my schools weight room AND LET ME TELL YEAH! it ain't fun..well no, its actually a lot of fun! i work out with steph(motherasia), rachel, greg and devin and all we do is work out and talk and luagh! today we both went into eachother changerooms and saw how the boys changeroom is dirt while the girls is nice and clean ahahah sucks to be the boys! and oh my, i worked out my legs SOOO much that they KILL! but im proud cuase now they should get toned =] ... i hope =[ ew watch me some how gain weight from this?!?!? that'd be weird. lmao! gah, and yes! omg me and rachel raped like greg form him to show us his abs! lmao! i got to see his biceps and triceps while steph and rachel weren't there and i was the first to see his abs! =] heheh im speeecial! aww but it was so cute!, cuase he thinks rachels like REALLY hot so he was shy in showing her so i saw them first and i gave him advice if they were nice or not hehhee ^^ yaya my opion counts!! =D that made me happy that greg still trusts me like that cuase we've been friends since grade 6! and now we're in grade 10 AND i didn't see him for a year! and greg and devin mean a lot to me. they're proably the longest friends i've keep since i came to oakville (and krsiten!<3) and i don't wanna loose them now! gah! but when i saw gregs abs i kep thinking of tuccis! and then on the way home i wouldnt shut up about me wanting to see tuccis ahahah! i know its bad but ehh, i'll see tuch's tomorrow, well i better! if im gonna have to rape him so be it! cuase i've only seen them once! and once is not good enough! gah i miss tucci! i'll clal him now =]
on the side note, i think i'm a bit of a filrt :S i don't mena to be! its not like i touch them and stuff (OTHER then raping greg ONCE) i dont touch guys. i juts verbal joke, and they knwo that and tucci knows that..so now that i'm thinking about it. its okay =] lol
peace!
current mood: cheerful
current music: scars- pap roach
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| Thursday, November 16th, 2006
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3:58 pm - lmao, lifes so fucked up. but im still loven it!
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okays my day has been dramacity! i'll start with the beginning, history; good class, kinda boring but thats okay. french; aah french is never fun, emily in it is but other then that no. english; was bomb/dramatized cuase i got to skip english with my class and chill with my friends who have third lunch!! he he so that was good, dramatic part was greg and chealsey breaken up, and i was helpen both sides. thhhen my forth lunch daaamn was that bad, it started off well but then i have noo clue what happened. dave was maken fun of the pimple i have on the side of my nose, which didnt bug me at the beginning but he carried it on and then got chrissy into it and they were both maken fun of my, whispering to eachother, that just really ticked me off. like wtf? i can go and make fun of him and chrissy a bout pimples but do i? and maybe alittle joke but carry it on? yeah i dont think so, and dave knows im mad at him but yet won't talk to me. well w/e ill just wait for him to come to me first. he was mad how no one ever gets mad at him, wlel there yu go, im mad. okays so my bf kinda walked off during lunch so i asked rachel if she can come with me to find him and see if hes okay, all was well in the end he just had to go do something. so me and rachel leave the library. and she got pissed at her lock cuase it always gets jammed, she has two lockers and shares with two different people and she wanted her old lock back so she took it off chrissys/her locker and swicthed it to hers/asians locker now. and when me and rachel got back to the group dave was kinda mad at asian cuase she by accident broke his headphones, which she sais sorry and said she'l buy him ne wones but he was still mad. i guess at the situaton and kinda her. so asian was made. then rachel told chrissy she switched the looks and chrissy got so pissed even though she should of have becuase it was rachels lock in the frist place and if crhissy learned the first lock combination, she can learn the new one. then me and rachel were sitting on the groud and dave and chrissy kept looken at me and then looken at eachother and talken. i donno what they were saying but thats gay. like, i wouldnt give them eye contact and i know they noticed that, but of course they wont come to me and ask if im okay, they'll juts be immiture about it and carry on. fuck, i hate it how i care so much and would ask them, nect time i won't. asian walks off so me and rachel go to her after. she was at her locker on the opposite hallway. so we ask whats wrong and she was mad that dave was still mad at her. then my bf tucci (thats his last name) comes and we tell him what happened and yes it was all gay but w.e thats how fucked up we are. then me tucci rachel and asian were tlkaing, then we had to go to our fifth period class. that was SUPPER fun! i was tlkaen to like all the guys and chloe and i was especailly talken to will, so he can tell the girl he likes that he likes her! heheh and i also have him a neck message and he got goose bumps! so im gonna try it on tucci!! hehe hope he likes it!
then end of the day comes and it was alright, cuas ehow good can the end of the day be? dave and chrissy werent tlaken to me, w/e. so much for dave being mature. annnnd yeah, talken to taylor about his problem now while writting this, so i should stop it now, ahaahaha alix i bow to yu if yu finished reading all of this!
current mood: aggravated
current music: Whispers in the dark -skellit
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| Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
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10:55 pm - always, it ALWAYS has to happen
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wellll i just came back from the talent show! and i had sooooooooo much fun! hehehehehe! i liked it how non of my friends that i chill on a regualr bases came (except my bf) cuase then i wouldnt be able to chill with my other friends! .hgufhdka chrissys being so weird! like so fucken bitchy to me and ypocritical, ugh okays welll gah i donno even asian noticed she bitchy to me. should i say something about it? cuase now shes just being a hypocrit, cause she said i was being a bitch to her. sooo, wtf?! but i guess i'll wait it out.cuase maybe its juts not her week and is taken it out on me?i donno... and ew, i heard what alexandria said about me to the other girls how i am SOOOOOO jealous of her worken at the body shop. uhm no. damn if she doesn't know what true then she shouldnt be sayin shit. wlel w/e if she wants to think that she can but she shouldnt be saying it to people.
bah, had hip-hop. it was fun, my friends and i are bringen sexy back! (WHAT) them othe rboys dont know how to act...go ahead be gone with it... okays gotta stop, got intourble in the car for that he he. okays now im just typen random if i got any mor eto say ill update later, peace
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4:01 pm - should i?...i should.
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hum.. well i donno why im writting, iiii just feel like it! just replyed to my friends comment that she commented me on (followen?) and it got me in the mood to write. even if its just something random.
kkays, MAJOR PROBLEM! christmas is comen and that means given presents to my close friends! =] (&& me getting a lot of presents in return :) lmao, all jokes) and yeah, so i asked meaghan to get me a superstore application, but she forgot it on monday and now its tuesday and i sitll dont have it, and now im not sure what she emant; either she never got it at all ooooorrrrr that its at her house? oh wellll damn! i need applications! gah and i wanna work at the body shop but im too god damn young! ONE YEAR! they eed poeple who are 16+ well if they knew me! they'd know i'd be an excellent worker! bah! but i guess i'll still try! kkays now for xmas, i need to figure out what im gonna get everyone...
alix: can't say cuase she reads these =P actually goody yu do! what do yu want for christmas!?? do tell! give me some ideas!
tucci: ohh boy, humm.. well as a joke present, one just for fun, im gonna give him candy shaped as bones, cuase his nickname is snoopy like the dog. annnd i donno what else to get him. i thought of getting him a new wallet? but thats for our 2 months, but he says he doesnt want anything? ill have to check for that.
asian: already got it, aloe cream from the body shop (yu know im obsessed when!)
chrissy: somehting batman? she likes batman...
steph: noo effen clue! maybe a picture frame? (random i know, but shes asian so she'll like it)
dave: hum, somehting with hello kitty? i saw a plushie in buffalo, but whats a guy gonna do with the plushie? so i was thinking a ipod cover which has hello kitty on it! :D hopefully i cna find one! (dibs on the idea!)
rachel: i have noo effin clue! people! give me ideas! make up? hair products?
kristen: i have no effin clue again! i'd buy her makeup but she practically owns everything at shoppers! (likely bitch works there! i want a job ) so what should i get her? a purse? yeha maybe!
annnd taylor!: hummm.. well he's gansta...sooo...a gun? nah..he's already got the brass knuckles lmao. shit, i donno for hi, i'll ask dave! remind me though!
and now family, i usually by them what they need instead of what they want. i know im cruel that way
mom: nooo effin clue, maybe new mascara? hers is dried up, good idea or no? oh and lipstick! the one that she can't find anymore! (but wtf are the chances of me finding it?)
dad: oh! the axe stuff, either body wash or deoderent etc
sis: new pj's? thats just a random idea that popped into me 'ead!
brother-in-law: hum, socks. i'll just stick with the socks! or a pack of beer? yeah the beer will work
ohh shit, i've got a lot of presents to buy! 13 people! damn okay i really gotta start saven up now! shit! kkays i really have to look for a job now! like reaaaaally badly! up until x-mas atleast! that'd be good!
current mood: determined
current music: britney spears- My only wish
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| Sunday, November 12th, 2006
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8:05 pm - pissed.
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well today is offically a crap-tacular day! all my plans got cancelled so i was stuck at home, then was bored watching this weird but cute movie. then msn and thats when i toubles started...
alexandria, this snoby bitch fucken pissed me off by braggen that she got a job at the body shop, knowing how badly i want to work there. her words "I GOT A JOB AT THE BODY SHOP.arent yu jealous? lol.kkays i gtg bye" fucken bitch, and i sit besde her in french class, ew. tomorow second period is gonna suck, oh wait, it always does.
then these two guys REALLY fucken pissed me off. okay ian and taylor, who which is my friend, keeps saying shit about my boyfriend and said some pretty nasty shit; saying shit about him haven cancer. they said shit cuase my bf said some mean things about vikki (taylors gf) but that was once, and to his face, and my bf doesnt tlka about vikki at all. he doesnt even wanan think about her (there are reasons for why hes hates her and is being mean, but im not getting into that) and ian, that fucken asshoel also said shit when hes being a hypocrit and said shit about vikki too! but yeah know, thats okay! not fair, anyways, i got and i guess i got even more pissed at taylor becuase of alexandria. taylor said sorry and i frogive him but like, if he does it again hes done for. no one treates my bf like that.
gah and now im bored, pissed and missing my bf,
ohh i mine as well right about friday now that im in a crappy mood, good to let it out all now *psyci 101*
friday was a disater! a bunch of friends and i planned a surprise party for our friend dave, to show him we love him a lot and thank him for what he does for us (long story, lets just say my group of friends is fucked up) becuase it didnt turn out well... as i continue;
it was REALLY emotional, i HATE having dave mad at me I HATE IT WITH A PASSION, i felt so so bad, like, no one will ever know how bad i felt. and everythign else just built up to that. and then rachel was crying and i helped her out, kurst was crying, asian was sick out of her MIND! i bearly was able to talk to my friend josh, who i missed a lot becuase i bearly see him. then my bf and bestfriend alix, with an i) left, i was so close to leaving with them but chrissy didnt want me to go. i regret staying so much, becuase it got me to be mad at my bf and alix and...i cried. ew ME. CRY. i cannot cry, i dont cry. i have never cried infront of a friend. never. and it happened. infornt of chrissy, i hope she was so druunk that she doesnt remeber. onyl two people knwo that i cried (bf and alix), hopefully it'll stay that way. should i contine with the reason WHY i cried? i guess i will. its over now and now im okay.
kkays: i was outside and my bf and alix left, and i REALLLY needed to tlka to them, cuase i needed their support. so i called them and they said they'll call me back. but then i had to call them back ( ithink they called in between but it got cut short) and i just wanted/needed to tlak to them,just hear their voice, thats all i asked for, but they were busy so i got pissed and hung up on them, then i cried cuase i guess i was keeping it in my on my own.
now i know alix will be reading this and alix, im addressing this to you. i.am.not.mad.at.you. i dont hold it against yu or tucci. things happen, you guys are still just has important to me and i dont think wrongly of you guys. yu two are such amazing bestfriends that i couldnt ask for anything better. yu get mad when people are pissed at me, no other friend would do that for me. yu dont know how much that means to me. i hope and pray constintly that im a good friend to you. that i don't bore yu or that im squre in some things. i love you both so much and i guess i got pissed/sad beucase i was affraid if yu guys weren't there for me that time, how will i know if yu guys will be there for me the next time? well hopefully i wont be in that state again. and...ew im being selfish now. ohh well im continuing with this. but then yu clal me today to see if i was okay, that made me so happy. and gives me another proof that yu two are such good people. and i know tucci felt bad, i heard it in his voice, and hes such an amazing bf. why better then i cna ask for. way better thet i ever thought of having. so i love you both so much and im so glad yu two are such good friends! that makes me really happy!
okays i think this is long enough. dont you? lol. i dont think that whoever started reading this finished reading it lol. yes i know im a bore so shush:P haha kkays so now that every is off my chest im stoppen this, peace
current mood: aggravated
current music: call me when you're sober
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