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[04 Nov 2003|10:27pm] |
sometimes something so unexpected happens and you can honestly have a real smile from something someone said....
if anyone knows me and i mean really knows me....then they know about someone that broke my heart the beginning of this year....and what all me and him went thru then and before then....the whole situation with me, him and my ex-finace, and what all went on...and anyone who really knows me knows how much this person means to me...and to hear from him tonight and hear the things he said....has been the most moving thing that has happened to me in a while. To know what I do now...makes me feel a lot better about a lot of things that have been bothering me...and i can say that i have a real genuine smile on my face...
Anyone who really knows me....knows that my heart has never given up on him....despite the bullshit and drama....there has always been something there...not saying anything is to come from this...but it's never stopped...
About 2 weeks ago he called me...and I was in shock....i honestly could hardly talk i couldn't beleive he called....and it was a short phone call....he was on duty....
Well he called me again tonight....and we had an amazing conversation....he still feels the same about me...which I can't say i didn't know b/c when i was with Garrett we still saw each other....and he came and saw me when I was back home this summer....but we both were in relationships and nothing happened...well i found out tonight what happened when we broke up the last time...and i knew it was what I thought it was b/c he had told me before that if she came back in his life he would drop everything...and he did...and he regretted it....he said he was sorry for the shitty way he treated me and hopes we can still be friends...we talked about the past and what all has been going on in our lives here lately....and what we want for the future in our lives...and it was awesome...
I went thru a deep depression earlier this year b.c of what all had happened....and i never really came out of it...but now i can say that i'm not all out of it for other reasons...but what made me fall into it is gone....things have had some light shed on them and i can smile and say it's ok....and that feels pretty damn good
Thank you....
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3 Blew My Fantasy Away  Take A Loaded Gun
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[30 Oct 2003|06:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lonely |
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music |
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Coheed and Cambria - Three Evils |
] |
dear my friends in the time we spend forever after beyond this when will our nightmare ever end?
pull the trigger and the nightmare stops...forever you will learn
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Take A Loaded Gun
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[28 Sep 2003|06:34am] |
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Sorry I have negelcted this journal....been busy with my new job at huddle house and stuff....but me and patrick broke up so i'm back to being single....what else is new I can't ever make anything fucking work.....i give up I'm just gonna be single for a long ass time....
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6 Blew My Fantasy Away Take A Loaded Gun
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| Bow Down.... |
[13 Sep 2003|02:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 chipper |
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| [ |
music |
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Taking Back Sunday - You're So Last Summer |
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You know this journal is kicking your fucking ass!!! Don't lie...you know it is....It's just too bad ass! Wo0t!!! Rock the fuck on!!! hehe Thanks to Patrick for editing this pic for like an hour and a half...I love you baby!!!
Enjoy the lovely Starlit Spider!!!
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1 Blew My Fantasy Away Take A Loaded Gun
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| *Under Construction* |
[12 Sep 2003|07:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 creative |
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| [ |
music |
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Cold - The Switch |
] |
If this looks fucked up for a lil bit bear with me...I'm redoing all of my journal layouts....they are all gonna be different for once... www.livejournal.com/~just_a_dream is finished except for one glitch...trying to fix it now....will be working on this one next....
Since I haven't written in here in a while...I might as well now...a lil update...I am finally at Patricks...have been here since Tuesday and am having a great time...I just know it's going to be hard to leave on Tuesday...but....I will see him again....but other than that nothing new....
Later Blurty Land!
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Take A Loaded Gun
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| 24 more hours... |
[08 Sep 2003|06:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nervous |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Brand New - Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't |
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and I am extremely nervous...what if he doesn't like me? Things change when you aren't behind a computer or telephone anymore...ahhh....I'm slowly going crazy...
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Take A Loaded Gun
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| I wonder.... |
[03 Sep 2003|06:17am] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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Tool....fucking Tool...all goddamn night... |
] |
if he knows how much he means to me...how it hurts me when i don't get to talk to him...how much i do love him...i don't know anything going on in his life right now b/c he hardly talks to me...but then again...neither does she....i got her mail today...i love it...it's awesome...thank you...
but i still wonder...if either of them know...how much i do love and care...i wonder if they even think of me when i'm not here...i wonder....i wonder...i just sit and wonder...
*curls in a ball and cries....*
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2 Blew My Fantasy Away Take A Loaded Gun
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| This is interesting..... |
[02 Sep 2003|03:54am] |
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mood |
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sore |
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music |
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*Come Sail Away....* it was on the radio earlier and it's stuck in my head.... |
] |
I KNOW: that I have just made a life-changing desicion...
I WANT: winning lottery ticket...
I HAVE: everything to lose....
I WISH: i could wake up tomorrow morning and see patrick
I HATE: closed minds
I MISS: my bed....already....and i haven't even gone to bed yet...
I FEAR: failure
I HEAR: the tv in the next room...
I WONDER : when i won't have to worry about things anymore
I REGRET: the year i was 18
I LOVE: Patrick, my family, my friends, and Mountain Dew
I CARE: too much...about everything...
I ALWAYS: day dream
I AM NOT: wanting to unpack tomorrow
I DANCE: hardly ever...and it's killin me....i need to go clubbin
I SING: ALL THE TIME
I DO NOT ALWAYS: make sense...
I FIGHT: never in the past 3 years....
I WRITE: poems and song lyrics
I WIN: nadda damn thing
I LOSE: everything all the time...
I CONFUSE: myselt
I LISTEN: always
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: online talking to patrick...on the phone with patrick or sleeping
I NEED: to see Patrick
I AM HAPPY: when i talk to Patrick
I SHOULD HAVE: never started smoking
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Take A Loaded Gun
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| Hey |
[31 Aug 2003|11:47am] |
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mood |
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Fuckin Hungover & extreme pain |
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music |
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Evanesence - *My Immortal* |
] |
Sorry I haven't written in a while...I've been uber busy....or uber drunk....fuck I hate packing....let me tell you it sucks major ass....grrrrr....i haven't talked to any of my friends for like the past 3 or 4 days....the only people i have really had a long convo with are Patrick and Caleb....Scott seems to have dissappeared....and I still feel like I bother H when I IM her so I don't....but she doesn't im me either....blah....man I am hungover bad....it sucks...fucking head ache and I'm still walkin crooked...yeah the walk home this morning = not fun.....it wasn't even a block...but it's hot outside I was in jeans and a long sleeved black t shirt and I had to cross one of the busiest streets in oboro...but it's all good....fucking hell....on top of hangovers my fucking monthly friend just decided to crash my party and now I'm in severe pain about to die....FUCKING HELL MAN!!!! I think I have stoneover too....FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK......finishing my packing is so gonna kill me....blah...
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1 Blew My Fantasy Away Take A Loaded Gun
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[19 Aug 2003|03:07am] |
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I'm going home tomorrow....but not to stay...just to pack...and spend my 21st with my friends...i'm sad.....i'm going to miss them so much...i mean i've already been away from them for 2 months...but it will just be different....
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Take A Loaded Gun
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| Sometimes we carry more weight than we own..... |
[18 Aug 2003|01:27am] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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Candlebox - Sometimes |
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Thoughts always run through my mind. That's nothing new. But usually they are all negative...or bad in nature. But this morning...I stayed up til like 8 talking to Patrick...then I got offline and couldn't sleep. Shannons mom and stepdad left this morning. But after they left everyone else went back to sleep...but I couldn't. I just sat there holding a book trying to read. But I couldn't. I just kept thinking...that maybe for once I have made the right decision. In staying here. Most times I make a choice on impluse. This time I took time to sit back and thought everything through... I mean true this place is the sticks. But I get to see my sister grow up. And spend lost time with dad when he's home. And get to know my stepmom better. And leave baggage behind. And then Patrick...he makes me so happy. He really does. I feel alone b/c I'm not with him. But it's different than feeling alone b/c I don't have anyone. Not saying I haven't had my friends. But someone that loves me in a non friend way. And that's such a good feeling. I can smile and not hide anything behind it. I can tell my friends that I am doing good and am happy and mean it. It's just so incredible. When I come back from Owensboro, dad is gonna let me use the purple car to get a job and stuff and I get to decorate my room like i want...and that's gonna be kewl. Shannon hasn't taken me home yet b/c she was afraid i would leave. And I understand that...she gets lonely with it just her and paxton at home alone during the week...being in a truckers family is hard. But other than thinking about that I thought about Cold....and all the drama goin on....and despite everything....no matter how bad shit gets...b/c it's bad already...even though one of my friends has been hurt....and i love her so much...i can't turn my back on them....i just cant do it....no matter how much this shit tears me apart i can't....I went to walmart tonight and bought black poster board and glitter glue stuff and silver sharpies and glue and a spider hole pucnher thingy to make a cold poster for my room....yeah some people might thing that's a waste of money for someone who doesn't have any....but bite me...i also got stuff to do something for patrick b/c my surprise was ruined...but that's ok...i've got something else in mind :) and no I'm not gonna tell you either!!! I'm excited b/c when I come back from Oboro....Shannon is gonna take me to spend a week with Patrick :) I'm so happy...I get to spend time with my Rockstar!!! I love you so much baby. But I'm gonna go now....
I love you Patrick
I love you Moon and Sun!!!!
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Take A Loaded Gun
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| Bored so I thought I would post this shit |
[16 Aug 2003|06:47pm] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Cold - Go Away |
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I find that one kinda funny...well if anyone knows anything about me they understand why haha
Damn....she's hot too hehe
Sad part is that might be true
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Take A Loaded Gun
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| Candlebox - Sometimes |
[14 Aug 2003|04:49am] |
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mood |
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uncomfortable |
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music |
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Candlebox - Sometimes |
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Sometimes
I wipe the night from my eyes
Block out the sunny day and I hide
Everything's falling down around us
I'm just missing the rain
I'm happier now today
Don't let me down
Don't let me go
A change of seasons inside her mind
In time I'll decide
In time I'll decide to move on
We change directions, we watch the tides
And we borrow too much
We form restrictions and we form lines
And we separate you from me
Sometimes, sometimes we carry more weight than we own
Oh but sometimes sometimes goes on
Night takes the light by the hand
Tunes out the boring day and cries out loud
Everyone's hanging on, hanging on my words
It kills the thrill in being divine
But she's happier now today
Don't let her down
Don't let her go
There are no reasons there are no lies
We just bleed together
That's how we realize
We change directions we watch the tides
And we borrow too much
We From restrictions and we form lines
We separate you from me
Sometimes sometimes we carry more weight than we own
Oh but sometimes sometimes goes on
Somehow we'll find a way we've got to paste it back together
These ripped out pages of old coloring books where your
Gold is silver, my blue is gray
Its all held together by cellophane tape
but We change directions, we watch the tides
And we borrow too much
We form restrictions and we form lines
We separate you from me
Sometimes sometimes we carry more weight than we own
Oh but sometimes sometimes goes on
In my head I've got everything I want in you
I've got a lot on my mind...I fixed my tat tho...it's still not the best...but it's me....imperfect...but that's ok...I'm just so jumbled right now....I just had a deep conversation with my stepmom's mom Judy....we talked about love....and it's made me think more...i just feel like i'm falling apart....i don't know what to do...I just need someone to hug me....someone to hug me and hold me and let me cry and make my pain go away...but i don't have anyone here...i hate feeling alone...but it's all i feel anymore...it's been this way for a long time...
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1 Blew My Fantasy Away Take A Loaded Gun
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| Why? |
[13 Aug 2003|12:41am] |
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the guy that runs the barn that my stepmom keeps her horses at make me really uncomfortable yesterday...he crooked his finger and i thought he needed me to do something with a horse and when i came to where he was he said "i just wanted to see if i could make you come with my finger" and then like 20 mins later...after I went out of the barn b/c of that i was in the truck listening to some cds and he came over to the truck grabbed the top of my pants and starting shaking them so he could see my underwear.....i don't know if it's something about me that seems to invite people do that or what....but it makes me really uncomfortable and i dont' know if i should say anything to my stepmom aobut it....i don't want any trouble started...I mean fuck...I'm almost 21...I should be able to deal with shit like this....but I can't....I don't know what to do....maybe I should just go home...
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Take A Loaded Gun
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| Some things.... |
[06 Aug 2003|08:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Staind - So Far Away |
] |
I feel too much....I know I do...or else I wouldn't feel so strongly for so many people...not saying I love everyone I talk to....but even tho I can't see these people...i still care....when one hurts...i hurt....when one is happy...i'm happy....it's so odd to feel a connection with people i can't touch....sometimes i wish i had never gotten online when i was 15....but then again...i can't imagine myself not knowing the amazing people i do...my friends from the net have taught me so much....they have taught me that i'm not the only one who hurts like me...feels like i do...the happiness....sadness....pain...frustration...confusion....the love....the passion for some of the things I love....it's like if i didn't know these people I wouldn't be who i am....it's just a strange overwhelming feeling sometimes...there's been times...where i have hurt so much...cried for hours...and nothing makes me feel better than talkin to some of my online friends....my flesh and blood friends don't get me wrong...i love them more than anything in this world...but sometimes their hugs and meaningful words aren't enough....i have to come online and talk to those few people that i tell everything to...and things are ok...i don't know how to word it...it's just like...they can feel what i feel when i talk to them...they can take my pain away...and that makes me feel loved...to know that people who have never seen me...never hung out with me....can care for me so much....just thinking about it moves me to tears....i have never known the kind of love i feel for these people...it's amazing...its like no matter what...i know i can sign on and tell my problems to someone and they can tell me the right thing to make me feel better....i don't know why i wrote this....i just needed to get something off my chest....i won't name names of who these people are...b/c they already know....but i just wanted to say...that i love you guys...you mean the world to me...thank you....
Love,
SaRa
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Take A Loaded Gun
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| I feel like posting some lyrics..... |
[06 Aug 2003|03:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
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worried |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Mudvayne - Goodbye |
] |
Mudvayne - Goodbye
Pendulum stops and falls away
Life sifted through like sand
Storms of summer rain
Flooding lifelines in our hands
Our skin of blood and bone
Gently close to dust and blows
Our home of blood and bone
Pulls through the ground and so....
Unstoppable
These feelings of loss
So unstoppable
Egging through to the marrow of bones
Just let it go
Pain willing in your eyes
Just let me go
Dry the tears that fall
And remember
When everything is typical
I?ll be the wish upon a star
I?ve found a place so magical
Goodbye....
See you another goodbye
I..See you another goodbye
See you another goodbye
See you another...
Peeling killers rise
Precious circle is mended
Sense vertigo in you
So I?ll be your halo
So unstoppable
My love for you
So unstoppable
Memories of you
Just remember
When everything is typical
I?ll be the wish upon a star
I?ve found a place so magical
But still please...
Someone, Help Me, Grab Me, Save Me Now,
Distrust, Darkened, Daylight, I?ve lost sight
Someone, Help Me, Grab Me, Save Me Now,
Distrust, Darkened, Daylight, I?ve lost sight
Remember
That nothing here is typical
I?ll be the wish upon a star
I?ve lost something so magical
And gone so far
Just remember
When everything seems difficult
I?ll be shining from a far
When it feels like things have gone away
I?ll see you again
I?ll see you again, Goodbye
I?ll see you again, Goodbye
I?ll see you again, Goodbye
I?ll see you again, Goodbye
I?ll see you again, Goodbye....
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Take A Loaded Gun
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| :( |
[05 Aug 2003|05:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Cold - No One |
] |
My dalmation bit Mackenzie twice today...she's sleeping under me right now....my poor baby...she knows who her mommy is tho...she always comes to me whenever everyone else is around :) I love having her...it makes me feel not as lonley...but it doesn't take it all away...I still want someone to share things with and hold and laugh with and love....I hate being alone
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Take A Loaded Gun
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| Today... |
[04 Aug 2003|02:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Seether - Fine Again |
] |
was an ok day...nothing bad happened...no one was mad at me at all today...I made tacos and a strawberry covered angel food cake so everyone was happy...but there's always one thing that ruins any good day I have....and that's going to bed....alone....
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33 Blew My Fantasy Away Take A Loaded Gun
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