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Saturday, June 14th, 2008
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4:16 am - K, G and A....the insignificance to it all...and how I ended up cutting again
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so what I didnt say in my last post was that I cut again...I hadnt cut in sooo long, like over 2 months. And now I gave that up, bcause I upset myself over something as stupid as G...
I found out yesterday that K did like me at one point. That made me feel so much better. I thought I'd imagined it all, that he just wanted someone to make out with, when we made out, but now I know he used to like me...My friend was like; "don't get ur hopes up right now. I have no idea if he might still like you. And you can't tell anyone!"
But some part of me wants to ignore it, and wants to believe I stand a chance. Finally my friend understands why I've liked him for so long. She talked for a long time with him on wednesday and she found out how cool he is to hang out with. Ive been telling her this for years, she never understood, always thought I was crazy for liking the "ugly" brother, but now she does:)
Everyone reading this, which i guess is no one, but newho. people reading this must really think I'm some kinda freak and dumbfck or sumfin. switching between K, G and A... and complaining abt that ONLY
K and G have been a huge part of my life tho, and I'm guessing not even my closest friends understand my behaviour. whenever K leaves to the states, G comes back into my life and whenever K's around, G tends to disappear...
No one understands what I see in them either. K because he isnt the prettiest guy alive, and G because he's a complete ass most of the time. But still I can't seem to let go of the past.
Or maybe its just because I'm a massochist and I'm always looking for ways to hurt myself.
Y, my exboyfriend tells me he loves me and still I find myself not able to be with him. Like the whole "iloveyou" thing pushed me away even further away from him...
I saw A tonight, after months of not talking or seeing him around. It was weird. He left the club pretty early tho, so I only got to talk to him for 2 min or so. And even that was risky because my exbf's friend was there watching me while I was talking to A.
AHHH looking at this post just makes me realise how insignificant all my problems are and how Im just looking for trouble. Especially when it comes to the male sex...I'm always complaining abt the same guys, about the same things and about how they always fuck me over...I should stop writing and get a life
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| Friday, June 13th, 2008
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3:44 am
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I thought I was cool with losing my virginity to G. Now Im not so sure...I should treat it as something casual, but I don't think I can...I thought I could. And now it feels like I'm falling apart once again.
He can't even reply to my msgs when I ask him if he can look if my friend is okay. He shows up on pictures in Istanbul with this hot girl posing on his shoulder. And I feel the jealousy boiling up inside of me. I dont get why. I dont get it.
Sex shouldnt be a big thing. He shouldnt be a big thing. HE WASN'T
Why now...all of a sudden I can't get him out of my mind...I cut once again...
My friends found my razor in my room. They were so shocked, so extremely AHHH. I dont know what to do. They think Im fine tho and I want to keep them to think that way. Its not worth upsetting people over my bullshit.
What am I supposed to do abt G tho? I feel so helpless. I feel like I cant breath. He was 2 bars away from me. the same building. My friend is fucking getting slapped by her dad, they dont come outside for an hr, and he cant even tell me if theyre still in the building. If he can check on her. Is that too much to ask? I guess so...
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| Wednesday, May 14th, 2008
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11:31 pm
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So a month has passed since I last posted. I havent cut since the last time I posted, which I should say is a progress...I have been talking to G once in a while now. He always brings up the fact that he moved back to his old house which is about 10min from mine by car. He always says he's gonna call me later when he talks to me, and then never calls again. Then waits for a week or two, and then calls again, saying we should meet, that he'll call me later, and then he never does. Im fine with that. Its fun to see him try, and to know that we have a mutual understanding of not having feelings for one another.
My "exboyfriend" was invited to my friends birthdaydinner by her. SERIOUSLY? what is her problem? I go to celebrate her bday, but she turns it into a complete awkward situation. I hadnt seen him since February. Since I messaged him that it wasnt working. And the only thing he did all night was ignore me and hit on my friend's friend who was sitting right across from me (so was he) so basically I had a great night. Then he decides at 4 oclock in the morning that he does need to tell me something so he messages me this whoooole story about how he wants to be with me and how he cant stop himself from kissing me when Im around and holding me etc.
Those things always come at the wrong moment. I meet a new nice guy. Then the next day my exboyfriend shows up telling me he misses me. why do these things all come at the same time....whenever I feel lonely and need someone there, there's noone, and then when I rather am left alone, or just want one person to be there for me, 2 show up....
Exams are almost over :) im really happy. 3 more to go. Only physics left. After that I'm done with school I'll just have to graduate! so greatttt I hate school right now. But ye....
current mood:  aggravated
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| Saturday, April 12th, 2008
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2:38 am
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so im drunk.
again.
and i msgd G.
again.
and I just made out with sumone thats my friend
which i shouldnt have done
and then I msgd G
again.
I just wish I had more control over my life....
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| Saturday, March 22nd, 2008
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2:50 am - G is back full blast
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Sooooo
G called again! he came by the bar 3 times. I rejected him twice. Proud of myself. In the end tho i just couldnt resist the idea any longer of not kissing him. So we made out....He's moving back into his old house again next week, which means he'll be close as hell to my house instead of living far out in the city....He wants me to sleep over...I'm debating it...I mean he is an asshole, but at the same time he is not just an asshole. Hes been part of my life since i moved here more than 3 years ago. He wants some ass, he's clear abt it. He's not playing with my feelings like before (yet?), so maybe it could work out. Just this casual thing for the next 2 months before i leave turkey forever...However, will I be able to handle the casual thing, or will i end up getting emotionally involved?
Time will tell...
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| Sunday, March 16th, 2008
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6:05 am - another G story
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He called again...asked me where I was, and half an hr later hes standing in front of me with his friend...telling me I shud go drinking with them, give them a call later on. So I do, and he tells me he's somewhere in the middle of nowhere, and that he'll call me either tomorrow(today), monday or tuesday to meet up with me. If I wud be so nice to let him in when he comes by....Ofcourse the weak little girls says YES OFCOURSE I WILL!
He told me not to make out with ne other guys....and ofcourse little weak girl says OFCOURSE I WONT!
I shudve told him I was gonna make out with at least 3 guys, that I didnt care abt him wtvr....
My friend completely bitched me out all night abt G, telling me exactly what my feelings are for G. He had figured me out in every detail possible...it was creepy. He wouldnt stop yelling out what I was doing wrong, what my flaws were etc. For 2 hrs straight just telling me every detail of the feelings I have for G. How I want him to be with me, how I want to change him into a good guy instead of an asshole, how I would so do him just to get closer to him, how G would never give a fuck, that I needed to see all of this, and stop pretending I didnt know why I still want G. Why Im running back to G whenever he calls me up. I know all of what he said to me was true, I also know that altho he was right on some points he will never truely understand wut Im going thru. He says its all so easy, that I should just hate him, only think abt his flaws and what not. But thats the thing, I already hate his guts. At the same time I would run back to him the seccond he'd ask me...I dont know how I can feel like that....
Anyways I'll talk later some other time. For now I shud finally go to sleep....
later
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| Saturday, March 15th, 2008
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4:58 pm - G, the guy it all started with
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So I can't seem to be able to get G out of my mind. Even though I havent really had any contact with him nemore for abt 2 years. Yes ofcourse there will be a call once or twice a year from him, when he is bored and he needs someone to torture for his own pleasure, but no more physical contact, no more hugs, kisses etc.
He called me for the first time in 6 months this week. He asked me where I was, cuz he was near my house and wanted to meet up. I guess lucky for me I was in the city, and far from my house...I dont know what he wants from me...One moment he'll push me around, tell me I'm a stupid virgin, laugh abt it with his friends right in front of me, tell me I'm stupid for still being one cuz I'm already 18. The next moment he gets me drunk, pulls me on top of him and tells me how much he likes me. I ofcourse fell for that crap abt a million times with him over and over again, and then we end up doing everything except for fckn. I mean I really don't get what he wants from me...
Does he want to be my friend? (which he shud know wud be almost imp. between us)
Does he need someone to use?(most likely his gf will bore him by now so maybe)
Or does he need to make me feel bad, and start kissing another girl in front of me, while he invited me sounding all lovydovy?(most probable one of the three)
So when I got drunk last night my great idea was to msg him, telling him he shud give me a call next time he's around...ye why not just tell him straight in his face you still cant resist him, cry, and beg him to like you back!?
Weak stupid little girl...
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| Sunday, March 9th, 2008
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11:54 pm
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So this weekend I saw A for the first time after the balcony thing. He walked into the eatingplace i was sitting with my friends. It was so awkward....The first look we exchanged was one of complete awkwardness....Then he came over to say hi, and then he left again...
Late that night at like 1 or 2 we were at this bar, and I see A's friend walk in. He seemed kinda drunk and disorientated, but alone, so me and my friend went up to him to say hi. On that moment A walked in as well, also looking kinda drunk. Just staring at me. I was trying so hard not to look at him, but I felt his eyes on me.
When i did look at him, he was looking at my high heels, gave me a compliment on my shoes, and then them and my friend went on talkin in turkish.
They left and me and my friends were kinda loudly discussing the incident on the balcony cuz they didnt know abt it. So one of the guys loudly says : u can do better.
On that moment A's friend calls my friend over (they had been standing in the hallway all along :| OH GOD)
and him and A ask her if me and her want to join them at this other bar. Ofcourse she said: we'll see.
we never went...I think that was gud. I mean he was drunk right, so he prob just needed someone to hook up with since ms girlfriend wasnt there....
I wished I could just see him the way he sees me, no emotions, no bullshit, just as a toy. That would be so much better. That way nobody would get hurt...
Ofcourse I always get emotionally involved =D
I really feel like cutting, I'm trying to resist the urge tho. Im on springbreak but still have to go to art the whole week to complete my portfolio for the final interview in april. And if I cut, I wont be able to cover them up in art, cuz if I wear bracelets they'll get covered in shit, and ppl in my artclass will be like why dont u take them off weirdo!?
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| Monday, March 3rd, 2008
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9:23 pm
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So yesterday my dad came back from Holland. I didnt realize how chilled out it was w/o him around. He hadnt even be back for 2hrs yet and the house was one big stresshole again, and my parents were fighting. ugh....On top of that I had a really important english oral today, worth 15% of my final english grade :|
I couldn't really study with all the fighting that was going on, but my teacher said i did alright :) I'm so glad I'm done with it. I now only have my spanish oral left, my IB exams in May, and then the 30th of may we're graduating! I can't wait till all the stress is over....Everyone always talks abt how their senior year's awesome, I really havent noticed it yet....
Oh on top of the fighting yesterday, my "exboyfriend" msgs me:
I miss you...I'm sorry Im drunk. ---> I MESSAGED HIM THIS A MONTH AGO wtf
me: That's funny, I think I messaged u that a month ago. You have a really weird sense of humor.
him: It is not my sense of humor but ur undrstandng of it that made it funny...By da way it wasnt my sense of humor but my grlfrinds that saw ur message hun...Take care...!
(I'm sorry ye, but why is he tellling me abt some supp. new gf? I mean I broke up with him....)
me: well then you really know how to pick a girl with a bad sense of humor
him: Thats why I picked you!
me: So why are you messaging me while ur with ur girlfriend? Dont u have anything better to do
him: It wasnt me hun. She was playing with my phone...Anyways take care.
seriously?
SERIOUSLY?
can't he just act grown up, and not bother me?
I'm sorry that I didnt like him enough to keep on trying it with him, but that is no reason to start being so childish...It's not like he's 5
Everytime i am done with a guy, they tend to do something to make sure I cant stop thinking abt them.
He is constantly spooking thru my head right now; Why did he say this, what does he mean, who wrote the msgs cuz his english is shit etc...
Well enough talk...
later
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Zo niet mij - Typhoon
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| Sunday, March 2nd, 2008
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2:42 am
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I wanted him to be there so bad tonight, but he wasn't.
Ofcourse
That's what always happens to me :)
current mood: wish you were here
current music: open your eyes - snow patrol
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| Saturday, March 1st, 2008
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4:22 pm
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Yesterday me and my friend went out, and while I was walking into the bar I see M sitting at a table full of ppl (M is the guy's friend I hooked up with) So immediately alarmbells go off in my head. I look around, I see A sitting there as well. U cannot imagine how fast I turned around and walked away. I was all shakey and ready to cry. He was sitting there having the most awesome time with M and all these girls...I shouldve just gone up to M to say hi, cuz Ive known him for a while now, but I was stupid enough to freak out and immediately run for it. I actually looked realy pretty last night, so that wouldve just been a slap in the face for A if he wouldve seen me. "haha so this is what you couldve had, but didnt want, loser!"
My friend told me finally what a friend of us told her abt A. He had a conv. with A the night of the balcony scene, and the only thing she had to say abt it at first was that our friend told her that when he asked A if he would do me, that A said that he wouldnt mind doing me. Now the rest of the conversation came up as well, and I CANNOT believe he didnt tell me any of it. That he just asked me how me and A were doing.
A asked him if I was a slut. Ofcourse my friend said no. After which A said: so I noticed.
I mean how am I supposed to take that? I'm not slutty enough(thank god) or I am a complete slut in A's eyes? it made me so angry. I wish he wouldve just told me this so I'd known what I was getin into when I started liking him.
For the first time in a long while I drank a lot again. I'm surprised I made it home. I'm surprised my mom didnt notice when I got home. And I'm glad I passed out when I got up to my room so I couldn't find my blade.
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| Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
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10:10 pm
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basically what I did was ask him on facebook why him and his girlfriend's relationship is "going ill". I asked him a week ago, and he still hasnt answered.
What I also find weird is that he is never online. I mean he goes online at 8 when im in school, gets offline after a max of 15min, and then never comes back on again....thats weird. Well at least i think thats weird.
I'm starting to really hate myself for liking him. I dont even know him. I'm being shallow again.
Just because he is hot, and he's interested in me doesnt mean that I should like him. Its obvious that he just wants to get in my pants. Prob cuz his gf isnt giving him any.
I wish they would treat me with the same respect they treat turkish girls. But im a foreigner so its immediately assumed im a whore, and why would you treat a whore with respect? Thanks for thinking that...
I'm so glad im moving to canada in a few months. Hopefully guys are nicer over there than they are over here.
Well I haven't cut in a while. Just picked at my scabs. I guess thats also cuz i tried to cut my hair all cool with a razorblade and cut in my fingers in the process.
Fckn school's stressin me out. All the coursework is due this week cuz its getting send off to IB on monday. uggh i really hate IB. I cant sleep, im eating like a pig, smoking like a madman, and all my creativity seems to be sucked out of me :( Basically one more thing and I'll snap...
let's hide the razors, knifes and scissors....
current mood: stressed
current music: Zo niet mij - Typhoon
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| Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
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12:58 am
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Mr. A has a girlfriend. she's well hot. she speaks his language. she's beautiful
"our relations is going ill"
Oh right, reason to cheat on your girlfriend! Especially with a girl that doesn't even know you have one!
A guy like that liking me? what was I even thinking?
Being treated by guys like this since i was 14 shouldve taught me that I should just stop hoping.
Why am I still so naive? I keep on hoping on a guy that will sweep me off my feet, and that will love me.
Why don't I give up? It's not gonna happen anyways. I'm a toy, they're the boss. And I know, that I should be strong,
but I cant seem to be able to defend myself. To just be like them. To just not give a shit, and use them like they use me.
I can't do it. I get too easily attached. Recent example: Mr A.
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| Sunday, February 17th, 2008
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11:28 am
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It's so hard to have to wait another week to find out if he actually wants more of me, or if it was just a one night thing. But its a small chance that I'll even see him on friday. He might not even be hanging out with his friend this weekend, and then that'd mean i wouldnt see him. OR his friend is not hanging out with us this weekend, which is also very likely....ARGH...I hate stuff like this. And I'm too scared to ask for his email from one of his friends because Im afraid to find out what he actually wants. What if all that looking into my eyes, telling me I'm beautiful was just a way to try to get into my pants? Well if it was then that didnt work sucker.
I was supposed to go on a date yesterday with this guy that ive been seeing for a while (ye i know Im a mean btch for hooking up with the other guy)
I told him we shouldnt go, because it wouldnt be fair for him. I told him that it was mean of me to keep him waiting while I knew in my heart that a relationship couldnt have worked out with us anyways. I told him he deserves better than me. Because he really does. He is one of the sweetest guys Ive ever met. We just couldnt talk abt anything more than "how was your day" and "how are you". I always thought it was because of the language barrier, because his english wasnt good enough. But the guy on the balcony, his english was bad as well, but he managed to talk to me. He TRIED. There just wasnt enough of a click. And he was cute, but he was so short and skinny. I mean the guy has to be bigger and taller than me, otherwise i just feel like im crushing someone when I hug them. I needa be able to feel safe in someones arms. I dont know why but i like "filled" guys. Not those skinny guys. Ive only liked two skinny guys in my life. With both of them it didnt work out.
i couldnt wrap my arms completely around the balcony guy, because he was so nice and big. And he was just there holding me, and I felt so extremely safe. And now I feel like a retard for caring so much because i dont even know the guy.
Oh btw SWIMMING CLASS!! It was so awesome. most of the ppl "forgot" their stuff, so they had to go and do regular fitness workouts. So it was just me and these three guys that didnt pay attention to me anyways, so nobody noticed :D YES
Next week we're just gonna have regular workouts again so I wont have the problem for a while at least :) :)
enuf talk for now,
iensjj<3
I just wish I could cut right now, make me feel less of a retard.....
current mood:  confused
current music: Snow patrol
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| Saturday, February 16th, 2008
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11:49 pm
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And then he put his arms around me
and I felt so safe
And even though I didn't know him
He made me feel like I did
I have to leave, I said,
while my heart was screaming stay
He pulled me back into his arms and kissed me instead
Stay, he said,
we can't relive this night
And in my mind I knew that he was right
But my heart was screaming to give it a chance
That I might meet him again
You're wrong my heart, because it seem to me to be another sin
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5:32 pm
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So yesterday we had a schooldance. Since one of my close friends is the studentcouncil president, I decided I should just go since he has to be there the whole night to arrange everything. So me and my friends went to the schooldance! YAY. it was the most boring shit I've ever been to, ridiculously boring....BUT since it was just for highschool, and not alot of ppl from school show up, ppl could take guests.
All of a sudden I see this pretty hot guy walking around. So I decided that me and my friend should stay close to him ye. And well he turned out to be friends with a friend of my friend. (ye i know that that sounds complicated lol) I was SURE he was not going to be interested in me AT ALL.
BUT after a while he looked over to where I was standing, and laughed at me. And then he kept on pulling me onto the dancefloor and looking at me. And well at the end of the night when we all went to my friends house, he came as well. At some point the room was waaay to smokey cuz everyone wuz smoking inside so I decided to go smoke outside. And well when I was almost done I saw him stand up and put on his jacket to come outside aswell to join me :) !! So we started talking, and after like standing there in the cold forever, he leaned in, I leaned in as well, and he kissed me. Well basically it turned into a wild makeout session that lasted forever. He didnt want me to leave, so he kept on keeping me there on the balcony :) I came home WAY too late. I wish i'd stayed longer....
Anyways, when I left the house i realised I didnt have his nr, or that he had mine, and I know I could get his nr, but I guess he just wanted a one night thing:( he was so great tho!! ughhh
Enuf talk for now
<3 iensjj
current mood: confused
current music: Apologize - Timbaland
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| Tuesday, February 12th, 2008
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10:37 pm
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Well today I had soccerpractise, that was good. Ran around the field for 1.5hrs in the freezing wind, it was so nice.
Mom's back from holland since sunday, so my dad can go into full bitchmode again, since he doesnt have to keep up a nice atmosphere around the house anymore now my mom is there to "calm everything down". yay for that!
Today I got a new coffee cup from my dad. He took a picture of me last year when I was crying, and now decided it was the perfect picture to put on a coffeecup just to piss me off. He went like: Here you go, now you can drink out of a cup with ur happy face on it when ur in the art room!
thanks dad. thats so nice of you *big fake smile* thank you.
He seriously thought that it was funny for some reason. whatever.
The urge to cut is still not gone, I still lie in bed most of the time when Im at home, or pace around my room not knowing wut to do with myself. I cant concentrate on homework, I can't sleep. and then the rest of the day im so tired, till it is time to go to sleep, cuz then all of a sudden miraculously im wide awake...
-iensjj
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| Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
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9:17 pm
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I went to holland this weekend and ever since i got back im so out of it. I cant concentrate, i have no sense of time or space. I feel like Im there, but Im back here again. School's immediately overwhelming me again with homework assignments and tests and i cant seem to get it all done. Im afraid I'll fail everything this week, and bring down my semestergrade and IB predicted grades...I'm crying cuz of the stress, and knowing im becoming such a failure. I cant keep myself together. I gained so much weight and I started cutting again as well. Why am i such a mess?
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| Wednesday, November 28th, 2007
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11:05 pm
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well for once Im doing alright! I think it's been a long time since I felt like this. Confused yes, but not bad. G called again after a YEAR of no calls, and well for once I'm actually saying no, and keeping strong =] it feels good in a way. I turned 18 in october which was nice.
OH, and stupidly (or maybe not) I kissed a guy that is 26, last weekend! whoops...
He's a real nice guy though! He drove me home all the way from the city =]
we were msging since friday night when it happened, and today I didnt get a single msg...Im wondering if I did sumfin wrong?
talk more later
<3 iensjj
current mood: confused
current music: Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
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| Sunday, September 16th, 2007
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1:37 am
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well I decided that just like always, I shud drink again. Seems like the only way to deal with this place sometimes is to drink. I feel like shit right now tho. I drank too much....once again....
Guys seem to be assholes like always right now.
I just wish that for once i could have someone to hold me and love me. But I guess that's too much to ask here...
Last night I cut again. For the first time in 1 and a half years, on my wrists...I forgot how good it feels to cut there instead of on my thighs. Weird how some places give more satisfaction than others. But right now I would die for a new blade to cut a little deeper...
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