| smile and live |
[26 Dec 2003|09:45am] |
Well, I'd like to get a few things off my chest. That seems to be the sole purpose of this program, so here I go.
Well, I'd like to start my admitting a few things. I've been terribly stupid. Extremely stupid. Unbelievably stupid, when it comes to females for the past 4+ years. I've been a moron about how to deal with relationships, how to handle them, how to find love, what to do with it, yadda yadda yadda.
There, now I can stop blaming others for my loneliness, which I've always done. It had always seemed to be that girls just "did not like me". Which was wrong. The truth was, girls did like me. Mainly younger ones, but regardless, girls have had feelings for me and I'm not some hopeless case when it comes to them. Not a hopeless case, but a hopeless romantic though? Yes. Because I've ignored those that have had feelings for me. I've fabricated reasons for why I did not open them and welcome them. I had my mind narrowed in on certain individuals who I deemed as high as goddesses.
There were always more than one. Beautiful, intelligent, et cetera. There were of very high quality by my standards. I became infatuated with them, hopelessly in love with them. I could take any sign of friendliness they showed towards me and exaggerate it to the point where I thought they had romantic notions for me. It's crazy, yes, but it happens all the time. All guys do it, so don't call me crazy. Anyways, throughout my high school career I've been daunted and taken aback by these girls. They were almost always out of my league and of far higher quality than my own personal standards could ever adjust for (my standards, and my standards set for them, by the way, were completely off-base, more on that later).
They had a normal female reaction for when they discovered my feelings for them. They retreated immediately. They went to all their friends and chatted about me. "He's OBSESSED with me!" they shriek in fear. They begin to think I'm stalking them when they see me behind them in the hallway. It's terrible. They avoid my gaze. Whenever I try to talk to them, they pretend that it's fine, they feel sorry for me, and they say we should just stay friends. But it's not so. When in social gatherings or any sort of groupings, they would specifically exclude me in everything. It was because they feared that I would take whatever form of friendliness they showed towards me the wrong way. It was the truth, but it hurt very badly. Since they now treated me differently than they would treat any other boy that was interested in them.
That's another major issue, once I feel rejected by these girls, I can see all sorts of other guys being interested in them and pursuing them. It, naturally, fills me with a jealous rage. But there's no point in being jealous when I can't do anything about it.
These girls openly accept these interested guys. They flirt with them, and enjoy their company (things I am now excluded from). I always ALWAYS get the feeling that they would most definitely rather be with them more than me. That's not always true though, because I'm sure if the random guy that was interested decided to spring it on her that he was deeply in love with her, she may (or may not) have the same reaction she had to me.
After repeated incidences of this happening, I decided it'd be best to just keep my trap shut and stay as best of friends as I could with these girls, since they would accept me more if I did. But unfortunately, my hopeless romantic tendencies always kick in and I find my feelings for them eating away at my soul, begging to be let out. That sucks. That sucks a lot.
Anyways, it's my senior year now and I'm beginning to realize very many things. First and foremost, everything I have just entailed to you all I could never have comprehended my earlier years. I'm beginning to have a rather transcendentalist outlook on life and it's for the better. I'm seeing things objectively and realizing the insignificance of other things (and the significance). Being able to take a step back and seeing the big picture. It's worked out quite benificially. I'm learning a lot more about people and myself than I ever have. I'm also taking in knowledge quite well, from lots of reading. I feel my personality strengthening, etc.
Though I hate clichés, it's always funny when one turns out to be true. The true cliché in this situation is I'm doing what everybody says I'd be doing in high school, and that's finding out who I am.
yay. self-discovery.
I can't say exactly when, where, or how it happened, but I know what happened. What happened was after having this little transcendentalist breakthrough of mine, I developed feelings for a very close friend of mine. She has been my friend for three years now, and a very good friend. She has always been available to listen to me rant and banter about my pointless insignificant infatuations with girls. She's been open with me enough to share some of what is bothering her with me too. But I won't continue detailing how good of a friend she is, my point was that I had developed feelings for her.
Throughout my knowing her, I've never really considered her as of the same quality of the girls that I fell for so often. The possibility of being with her had always crossed my mind, but nothing more than a mere transient thought. I had bigger fish to fry, or woefully attempt to fry, so to speak. I know it sounds demeaning, but there is really no harm intended. I considered her a friend, and never spoke ill of her (despite how much ill I heard spoken of her from others). She was always there, when my hopeless romantic obsessions never were.
I guess it may have been my subconcious kicking me in the pants. There was a moment when it came to me, when I saw her in a different perspective. I can not name or date the event, but at one point or another, it happened.
I guess it was my standards. After learning so much this year about me and others (and everything above), I realized that the standards I held these girls in, the girls I'd spent my high school pining after, was really off-base. I never learned from my mistakes and came to bear the fact that they were on a different plane of existence than I. My alienation from them, and my realization of my stupidity in pursuing them so diligently, allowed me to shrug them off and finally drop it all. It was nice and liberating. I guess that was where my subconcious kicked in and whispered into my head "you need to re-evaluate everything that you think is good about a person in order to recreate the form of standards you want". I didn't actually sit down, think this out, and do this though. My mind sort of did on it's own.
It is not so much as my being romantically obsessed with her. I think of it more like recognition. Recognition that this girl, in consideration with all the other females that I've pined for and have tossed me about, was who I should have been paying attention to from the beginning.
that makes sense to me.
don't ask me why I feel I have to justify my feelings and emotions by writing them all out...I'm just trying to make sense of it all.
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annoyed
accomplished
apathetic
dorky
blank
bouncy
energetic
horny