idiotic_ranting

1:06pm: blah
well today is another day of blah for me. i had nothing to do today except writing class but that wasnt very interesting just the same sitting there and waiting for the other people to come to class then exchange essays and then sat and talked for a couple minutes the woo we got to leave! it was great.

11:45pm: books
"screw you monkey girl.." is what i say to my sister as she walks away...its been a while since ive written in here, a long timeive been working on homework is sucks, tired alot. i might go on an Anti-war march tomorrow or today, but im not too sure about that just something i want to do, if i have time to do it, i hope. i got 3 new books, The war on Freedom, The book of lies, and a poetry book written by teens that were lesbian and gays. all those books are quite interesting and i like them alot...

6:11am: early drone..
ahh...so long since ive written...been too busy sleeping, homework, just hanging out with Ember, a new friend from school, oh i hate people some kid..Bobby keeps bugging me about going out with him...hes ugly no just in appearence but personality, annoying as hell...me and Ember keeps avoiding him but its hard to acoid someone that you see at school everyday...looking around the room right now i see nothing but absolute darkness, seeing my face lit up from the computer light in the mirror across the room from me sitting up on the bed with my back hurting...ive been up all night doing nothing really just being lazy and not sleepy, but getting there now that i have to go to school...

1:04pm: doesnt matter...
arr...today is a very sleepy day for me...too lazy to actually do anything and when i lay down for a second i fall asleep..i guess sleeping should be the number one thing that i should do right now..eh..but im at my moms work and i dont want to go home just now...its too boring over there nothing to do but sleep, homework, and blah around the rest of the day which i dont want to do...thats all too boring when i could go down town and hang out with some people there and go to the library and do some research, for my strong responce paper for writing..god damn! i dont want to do it but it seems quite interesting the topic i chose...which is abortion, i am pro-choice, and also pro-life...i dont not support the women who use abortion as a tool to get rid of their pregnancies just cause they got pregnat accidently...i mean whos not smart enough to use a condom? or the morning after pill, ha and maybe a BIRTH CONTROL PILL!!! fuck people can be so stupid at times when the things to do is so...um i dont know ridiculously obvious!!! but abortion is right in some cases like rape, if the child is addicted to drugs, and if the parents dont want to have a "special needs" child, who they think raising might just put the child through hell...you know? oh fuck i dont care if you agree with me...everyone has their own opinion on this subject, so no point in me trying to make you agree with me...im not one to empose impose? my beliefs on anyone...who am i? no one to you...just another random face in the crowd with my own opinion on things, my own worries, problems, stress...man its cold in here...outside, my bones are shivering..the cold chill in the air is making me shake...making my fingers freeze and harder for me to type...

1:59pm: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _!!!!!
MOOO!!!!

4:44pm: ah..today, today, today
well...lets see, its today...but i wish it was tomorrow, but not only that i wish i was done with school...oh how i hate mondays, but im sure everyone does. thats nothing new...im tired, bored, but i cant sleep...i lay down, and look up at the ceiling but when i try to fall asleep it feels like its not the right thing to do...but what is the right thing to do? have a cigarette? do homework? draw? make new patches?...it blows, but if anyones interested i have a page link to some of my art work i put on the net..here it is: http://www.printroom.com/ViewAlbum.asp?userid=Papsmear%5Feww&album_id=127803 i hope it works...only about 11 or so pictures in there that i drew from photographs and such..ah but now its time for my nap...

3:51pm: what i need...
me...here...bored...i just puked....im going to try and sleep....i have to do homework.....i need a hug....i need water...i need a life....i want to die....i want to be a ghost...

3:30am: me oh my...
my stomach hurts like a mother fucker...i need to take a huge ass fart, release the tension on my stomach...oh man that feels so much better...night

2:13am: haha here i am again late on a saturday night, well sunday morning...bored, wanting a cigarette, waiting for my sister to go to sleep so i can sneak outside and have one...but shes still up like me, bored, with nothing to do...haha some kid hit on me at Smith's...my dad was just laughing at me...it was horrible, im bi but mostly leaning towards the lesbian side, guys are nice but women are better...but no one in my family knows this, if they did they would freak out. they freaked out when i hung out at the local gay and lesbian cafe down the street, getting mad at me saying "we're going to pick you up right after school.." and blah blah blah, it sucked...i hate parents, never fair...although its sometimes for the best others just to make you feel like shit...well im off to have a cigarette..finally...

4:23pm: Kow-a-bunga!!!
haha i think i spelled that wrong but oh well!! haha...whoa today was quite a busy day i met a friend from the past, his name...im not sure of, but it was fun just talking to him for an hour, then his friend adam came over to me and asked if i had any spare change and we got started to talk about art and so forth schools, and blah blah blah, but he told me to call him sometime and we could hang out i might call him if he doesnt call me first hes quite funny...a good person just having hard times right now. but yesterday i met another guy i was talking to about a month or so ago and his friend crystal..whoa she was pretty she hugged me!! yay! told me that we have to hang out more which is rad..so at the moment im pretty happy...wooho!!!

2:15pm: bum...dee dum...
list of things for me to do:
write an email
biology reading
information paper
take movies back
ride the bus home
walk home
wash my clothes
sew my pants
paint a picture on my shirt
make a couple patches
play on the internet
pretend to read
eat dinner
make a cake
take a shower
fix my bag
and last but not least....SLEEP!!!
hopefully have sex....if i have time....and if i can find someone...hahaha

1:59pm: me...yay!!
well im happy to announce that i passed my philosophy test with a 7, its out of 10..so im happy with only 2 hours of study time and woo! it feels good...but im still made at my parents for pushing me so hard...i hate it i know they are only doing it for my future to know that when they die i will be taken care of, the only thing is that i dont want to stay here with my sister, shes so mean...so demanding in my school work and so forth it sucks ass...i sometimes wish that i was an only child so that my parents wouldnt have such high expectations for me...be like your sister, why cant you do good in school? cause im the stupid one in the family the black sheep...odd, an out cast, not wanted, only happy when i can say that i was right about something...i hate it when people prove me wrong and smear it in my face, it hurts so much...

8:14pm: her...
arr..and once again my sister is kicking me off my computer cause she wants me to do my homework...but you see i dont have any due tomorrow..but i suppose i should..FUCK shes annoying as hell...her voice is like nails running across a chalk board...

2:49pm: me ranting on...
ahh...well today is just another day in my "happy" life...well not very happy just...blah...haha well put, i didnt go to 2 classes today, which is basically all of my classes for today. Writing and Biology Lab...well yea, i know i really should start paying more attention to class, doing my homework and so forth. but you know its not what i want to do...i want to do art, ill post a link later, but yes art is my life its all i want to do. nothing else, but i know i need an education to get somewhere in this stupid world...and education to get money, money to live. but i dont think i need money all that much. i could just live on the streets or move in with someone and do house work, but i know then that i will not be happy either. GOD DAMN!...i hate my life i wish i was more like my sister and mother. very smart, and dedicated to learning. which im not. i hate it when they compare me to my sister. "Oh heather, your so smart we dont need to say how smart you are cause you know it, but Pearle needs the motovation, thats why we celebrate every good grade she gets.." it doesnt make me happy to know that im not smart, and when they say that to her when im not there it pisses me off...i remember the first time i heard that i took a safty pin off my pantleg, and started to rub it back and forth across my hand, deeper and deeper till the bright red blood started to drip from my hand...the pain made me forget about all the shit they said, and when i put hot water and soap on it, it felt wonderful...til they found the 18 marks...then they threatened to send me to therapy...one thing i do not want to go to a therapist to talk about my 'problems'...some stanger telling me whats wrong, i just dont like that...whats worse is that my sister thinks shes a shrink so she tries to analyis me...i hate it thats when i have thoughts of killing her...which are bad i know but seems like the best way to shut her up...when we get into fights i love to hit her and make her feel pain, but it sucks when she comes back at me with force...just to see the pleasure she gets from hitting me...makes me so mad that i have to cut my self more just to get out the look of her face out of my mind...

1:06am: well this is my first journal entree...kinda nervous to see if anyone reads it, but it doenst matter or else i wouldnt have put it online right? You know, when you go to a really clear place like to the desert in Arizona, I'm amazed at how clear the skies are, man you can see the stars so clearly it keeps me in awe for a while, not really making me realize that all of those stars are hundreds of miles away and further...i will never get a chance to see them off this planet, only from the ground...kinda sad but its just wonderful to look at...