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Blurty for Diana Recouvreur.
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| Wednesday, April 28th, 2004 |
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not going to use this journal much anymore. made a new one. find it if you want it. not hard. blah blah, yadda yadda, fuck you. |
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| Tuesday, April 27th, 2004 |
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Haven't updated in a while. Haven't been in the mood to. Too tired. Too busy. Too upset. Meant to a few times, but then the moment passed and I became too fucking oneortheother to bother. C'est la vie. Digging out of a financial hole. Watching my Angel mature daily. Worried about a lymph node that's acting up. Being hit by this heat wave. Sunburned. Being mother and wife. Being tired and sore. Waiting. hoping for my period soon. Dad dropped off video of me when I was five. The memories, the innocence. Carefree and naive. Figured out what really peeves me about Chris' mother. She's a woman. I can't stand dealing with typical women on a regular fucking basis. Drives me fucking insane. That, and she messes with many of my neurotic quirks. I had to get a new mug. >=/ Day by day. day by day. day by day. |
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| Thursday, April 22nd, 2004 |
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Married last Friday. It was perfect, everything I wanted it to be and more. My weekend away with Chris was beautiful. I'm now Mrs. Recouvreur. :) |
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| Friday, April 9th, 2004 |
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1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: "...the most indolent Man I ever knew.." -- The Pleasures of Childhood 2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?: I'm holding Gabriel with my left arm. 3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?: f.r.i.e.n.d.s 4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is: 1:03pm 5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?: 1:02pm 6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?: Frank Sinatra - Swinging on a Star / The sound of my sleeping baby. 7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?: Yesterday, on errands with Chris. 8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?: Carol's journal. 9: What are you wearing?: Green shirt, blue capri pajama bottoms with green and yellow prints of lifesavers and swordfish, pink slippers. 10: Did you dream last night?: Don't remember. 11: When did you last laugh?: Last night, while playing with Gabe. 12: What is on the walls of the room you are in? Cork board, white board, Asian scroll -- not much. Most things are on shelves/mantles -next- to walls. 13: Seen anything weird lately?: Not that I recall. 14: What do you think of this quiz?: It's something to kill time. 15: What is the last film you saw?: "Taking Lives." --- Angelina Jolie is the epitome of beauty. 16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?: Car insurance. I've been practical since I've been a parent. 17: Tell me something about you that I don't know: I'm a misanthrope. 18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?: I'd make it safe for my children to grow up in. 19: Do you like to dance?: Yes. 20: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?: Chevonne. 21: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?: I have a boy. Gabriel Alastair Recouvreur. :P 22: Would you ever consider living abroad?: Ireland. |
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| Thursday, April 8th, 2004 |
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| Tired. So tired. Achy. Muscle pain. Sore. Eyes sting. | ||||
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| Wednesday, April 7th, 2004 |
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I've been really fucking depressed. Really tired. Really irate. I got really peeved earlier in the evening because my grandmother woke Gabe up for a bath. I was going to bathe him, but only as soon as he woke on his own. From noon yesterday until about 9pm he slept, collectively, for maybe two hours -tops.- After his bath my grandmother offered to watch him for the night. At first I said yes, but after dressing him and preparing his bottle, I changed my mind. I started feeling really guilty, like I wasn't doing my job as his mother. He's slept with her many times before, and I had mixed feelings of guilt, relief, anxiety, guilt about feeling relief. She told me she wanted to help so I could get rest, and I love her for it, but I declined. As I was sitting on the couch, feeding him, I started to cry. I am so very tired. I just started to bawl not only due to the exhaustion, but also because the depression was creeping up. Chris got all pissy, mainly because of concern, but he just sits there. Every fucking time he just sits there while I cry, when what I need the most is for him to just fucking hold me. It doesn't matter what is wrong or that he doesn't underfuckingstand, I just need/want to be held. We both know I have a lot of fucking issues and I can't bloody help that. I've been under a substantial amount of stress as well. People should just let me be a sour-puss now and again. Due to the fact that I never get uninterrupted sleep, I've also been really fucking irate. I'm easily aggitated, especially by stupidity, and let's face it, idiocy is every fucking place you look. My back hurts like shit. I'm tired of making up shit to talk to Chris' mom about. I'm sick of my family bitching at me to get her to quit smoking. I'm really sick of her smoking, too. I hate that the putrid smell wafts over to me each time she comes back from smoking. I had to restrain myself from throwing a fit yesterday after we came back from Quiznos and the baby had this stale cigarette odor on him. I have reservations about letting her watch the baby because of the smoking. I have issues with my body image, which leads to shit for self-esteem. I really do not need additional antagonizing. Jesus fucking Christ, I feel like I'm going to either bloody implode or explode in a fit of misdirected aggression and rage. There are times when I am really struck with the urge to kill that stupid cat. She always acts up when I'm feeling shitty. She's just asking to be the object of my angst. She fucked with the baby's clothes and made an article fall to the ground, so I lured her out of hiding just so I could trap her between the doors while I calmed down. I washed the bottles. I took a shower. My hair's still wet, but I think I'm going to lay down anyway. I think I've done enough venting for now. If it wasn't for this journal, I think I'd be -that- much closer to snapping. Ana is suppose to come over tomorrow. I hope she does. I'd like to hear about her life from her and not the journal. She mentioned in her response to a post I made about a bachelorette party, but I don't think it's necessary. From the gist of it, I'd say she wanted a stripper to be involved. Quite frankly, the thought of a -male- stripper makes me sick. They're always kind of grotesque to me. I don't want another male around me like that anyway. Though.. a -female- stripper would be nice. Anyway, I hear the baby making little noises through the monitor, sounds like he's going to wake up soon. I'm going to either read some news and wait for him to wake for a feeding, or I'm going to bed even if it's only for an hour. I need to desperately let off some steam. Maybe the weekend of my wedding will help me take a load off. If my period ends up coming that week/end I'm going to scream. It would suck if we couldn't consummate our marriage on our fucking wedding night, and I'm not going to do it if I end up on it. I need alcohol. or weed. or drugs. or sex. or a nice long massage. =[ |
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| Tuesday, April 6th, 2004 |
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My relationship with Ana has, to me, deteriorated. We don't talk much. We don't see each other. We don't phone one another. We've made plans, there's no "follow-through." The last time we saw each other was when I had the baby, and only briefly at that. Before the day she visited, we hadn't seen each other in a long time. I had tried to make plans with her, but on one of those occasions she -plum- forgot. We're in different places in our lives. I'm steps ahead, having a child and getting married. She's still figuring things out. It makes me sad. It, quite frankly, pisses me the fuck off that she doesn't make more of an effort. Although these days I don't have much to say to her, our conversations end up dry because I cannot relate anymore. I've been there, I'd rather not revisit. I suppose she could argue that I don't try hard enough either, but it's -her- schedule that needs to be worked around. I'm at home, I have the time. And I have tried, the result was missed phone calls and broken dates. It's pretty fucking ridiculous that the only way I can keep track of her life is by reading her online journal --- which I check every damn day. I'll always love her, but oh well, fuck. a. duck. Whatever. |
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| Monday, April 5th, 2004 |
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"Music at that point was so prefabricated, so fake, so hairspray that Nirvana was really a breath of fresh air," Cross says. "It was more organic than anything we'd seen in music in years." "You can't get around the drug use, but we're not going to dwell on it a lot," curator Dann Sears says. "What's important is his legacy, his music ... and he revolutionized music." It's been ten years since Kurt Cobain committed suicide. Nirvana is still my favorite band, although as far as bands that are still around goes, Pearl Jam is right up there. It still makes me very sad that I did not have the opportunity to go see Nirvana live. I miss you, Kurt. :[ |
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- Bush "is the problem, not the solution. Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam, and this country needs a new president." - "Saying whatever it takes to prevail has become standard operating procedure in the Bush White House." - "In this administration, truth is the first casualty of policy." - Sen. Edward M. Kennedy |
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| Sunday, April 4th, 2004 |
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Copy to your journal, putting an X in front of those you've never done. Be sure to add one additional thing you've never done to the list. (_) HAVE BEEN DRUNK (_) HAVE SMOKED POT (_) HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX (_) HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX (X) CRASHED A FRIEND'S CAR (_) BEEN TO JAPAN (_) RODE IN A TAXI (_) HAD ANAL SEX (_) HAVE BEEN IN LOVE (_) HAD SEX (_) HAVE HAD SEX IN PUBLIC (_) HAVE BEEN DUMPED (_) SHOPLIFTED (X) HAVE BEEN FIRED (_) BEEN IN A FIST FIGHT (X) HAD A THREESOME (_) SNUCK OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE (_) BEEN TIED UP (SEXUALLY) (X) BEEN CAUGHT MASTURBATING (_) PISSED ON MYSELF (Blood loss and unconsciousness was involved...get off me) (_) HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX (X) BEEN ARRESTED (_) MADE OUT WITH A STRANGER (_) STOLE SOMETHING FROM MY JOB (X) CELEBRATED NEW YEARS IN TIME SQUARE (_) BEEN ON A BLIND DATE (_) LIED TO A FRIEND (_) HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER (X) CELEBRATED MARDI-GRAS IN NEW ORLEANS (X) BEEN TO EUROPE (_) SKIPPED SCHOOL (X) SLEPT WITH A CO-WORKER (_) CUT MYSELF ON PURPOSE (X) HAD SEX AT THE OFFICE (_) BEEN MARRIED (X) BEEN DIVORCED (X) HAD SEX WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON WITHIN THE SAME WEEK (X) POSED NUDE (X) GOT SOMEONE DRUNK JUST TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM (X) HAD SEX WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON WITHIN 24 HOURS (X) HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO'S NAME I DID NOT KNOW (_) TAPED A SOAP OPERA (INCLUDING NITE TIME DRAMAS) (X) BEEN THREATENED BY A SKIN-HEAD (_) BEEN SKINNY DIPPING (_) PARTICIPATED IN WATER SPORTS(SEXUALLY SPEAKING) (X) STUFFED MY UNDERGARMENTS. [I had/have no need to. xD] (X) TRIED COCAINE |
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| Thursday, April 1st, 2004 |
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What George W. Bush Says: "Good stewardship of the environment [is] not just a personal responsibility, but a public value. We need to be good stewards of the land." [Speech to Environmental Youth Award Winners, 4/24/01] What George W. Bush Does: Auctions environmentally-sensitive land, valued at $80 per acre, to his campaign contributors for as low as $5 per acre -- to be used for oil and gas drilling. [Utah Oil and Gas Leases Stir Criticism, Washington Post, March 1, 2004, PageA2] |
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| Tuesday, March 30th, 2004 |
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The baby has been getting progressively more fussy lately. x.x Today was the first time he really acted out in public. We were having dinner at Marie Calendar's. He calmed down before we left, though. Fell asleep in the car. We drove around for a bit and just talked like we used to. It was very pleasant. We should do it more often. I bought my wedding attire. It's black and hot pink. I like it. >=D Still need to make the appointment. e.e; We're going to drive down to do it because their phone line is always tied up. I put the baby to sleep a bit past eleven. Then I took a nice long shower. I usually take this time alone to catch up on reading the news, editting my website, writing in this journal, etc. Just some time to relax. Also I like to get in another feeding/changing in before I go to bed. That way there's less to wake up to. I'm more tired if I wake up more frequently, and my back/hip has been giving me a very hard time. It's from the accident. Been hurting a lot. I took three 500mg of tylenol just now. He should be up again around 2am. |
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| Friday, March 26th, 2004 |
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It's a girl thing. A -me- thing. A I didn't get to go to prom thing. It's the fact that my first kiss was forced onto me by some schumuck I didn't care for. It's the fact that I don't think I really loved the person I lost my virginity to. It's a life didn't go as plan thing. No calculated educational career. No stupid televisionesque proposal. It's the fact that at one point I didn't want to get married because I didn't know who the fuck would walk me down the aisle. When I finally decided on someone to do it, I had this fantasy in my mind about how I wanted it to be, just like every other girl. I knew how my dress should look. How the setting should be. How the reception would be. Which guests I wanted to attend. I knew where I wanted to honeymoon. I knew what songs I wanted to be played. My entire life is a string of events not going according to plan or desire. You are the best thing to happen to me, but it doesn't change my feelings about certain things. I wanted one big, beautiful girl-event in my life to be just right. If I didn't want to marry you, I wouldn't be wearing the ring. Most of all, I wouldn't have had our amazing child with you. I am unhappy with myself. I am full of self-loathing. I am full of insecurities. I would have preferred to elope in Vegas -- just the two of us. I'm just a fucking girl. |
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| Thursday, March 25th, 2004 |
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Chris should be home soon. Then we're out for a couple hours. Just put the baby down at 1:30pm. Taking a coffee break now. Napped with the baby in the morning. Fed him. Changed him. Put him down for a nap. Washed his bottles. Put recyclebles into a garbage bag. Fed baby again. Put him down for nap again. Rushed out to take a quick shower. Baby starts crying. Rushed out of the shower to the baby. Changed him. Fed him. Carried him until 1:30pm, while perusing artists on the net. Ate leftover rotisserie chicken. Now, the coffee. What. a. day. |
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| Wednesday, March 24th, 2004 |
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Light vanilla yogurt for brunch. I lie. I had a little orange juice. Getting married mid-April. Small reception. Away for the weekend. I feel old. Disconnected with the people around me because I've experienced more than they have. Grown out of certain phases that some people are just beginning. I need to meet older people I can relate with. Chris' friend Matt is in that phase. He brought this guy, Isiah, over to smoke with us. He's 17-18 tops, complete pussy. I'm a parent, I don't need to be worrying about other kids parents. I never had to deal with that shit. I haven't been boy crazy since I was twelve/thirteen, I don't want to be gossiping about who has a nice ass. I need people I can have intelligent discussions with. Someone aware of the world around them. Someone not oblivious about the social/economic/political climate enveloping the world. Someone not self-centered. Not dumb as a fucking doornail. I need someone willing to get in healthy debates with me. Not back down because they think I'm too agressive. |
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| Monday, March 22nd, 2004 |
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Got our marriage license today. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with people getting my last name wrong. Need to pick a day and make an appointment. Need to buy a dress. or something. I'm depressed. I feel awful. Gross. Sore. Itchy, too. Something needs to change. I need to change. I don't know how I let it happen after all those years. I wish I could change something from the past. I wish I could have stopped myself. I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish life was easier. I wish parts of me were different. Make my wishes come true? |
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| Saturday, March 20th, 2004 |
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Installed an air conditioner. Nice and temperate. Chris' mother is coming on the 30th, due to be here around the 1st or 2nd of April. Getting married beginning/mid-April. Need to get drapes tomorrow for the window where the AC is. Two more rolls of film to develop. Get portraits done for Gabe. I like my wedding ring. Finger not so naked anymore. Marriage license next week. Maybe Monday? Need to see what is going to be done for Linda's birthday. Only two more months of being a teenager. Haven't felt like a teenager since I was fifteen. I hate my back pain. Our dogs are probably pregnant. Drawing attention from multiple dogs. Crazy fucking cat is in heat. She gets on my nerves. My baby is so beautiful. More beautiful every day. <3 to Gabriel and Christopher. Ate too much today. Stupid food. Why is there a need to save music? trees? animals? america? fuck. you. mr. self. serving. hypocrit. fuck. you. mr. bush. drown in petroleum. your texas tea. I've been really irritable lately. I've been feeling trapped lately. I've been wanting to -go- lately. Don't you realize that the Earth needs saving? Saving her is saving yourself. She nurtures you. It's the least you could do. Jessica is growing up. So is Xander, Nicholas, George. Everyone. I have a lot of pent up agression to release. I am sexually frustrated. I dreampt of Kevin Sorbo last night. what. the. fuck? I wish I could magically clean up -everything.- I need more friends. |
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| Friday, March 19th, 2004 |
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| Thursday, March 18th, 2004 |
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I am dead tired. Everything aches. Ran errands all day today. Had a doctor's appointment. Everything is peach-e-keen. Today was the first time I went on an outing alone with the baby. He was a perfect angel, like always. :) Stayed out from 11am until 4pm when we picked up Chris. Then me and Chris ran more errands. Finally ate at Petrillo's. Good shit. St. Patrick's Day = Bailey's. Champagne. Pina Coladas. Weed. = Three hours of stuporendous fun. Next year there has to be a party. A ginormous GREEN extravaganza. |
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| Wednesday, March 17th, 2004 |
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Happy St. Patrick's Day! Hope everyone's wearing some green. ;P My son is a day over a month old today. I can't believe it's been this long already. I'm enjoying these moments of his infancy. I know they'll be over before I know it, and I'll be missing them. |
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Blurty for Diana Recouvreur.
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tired.
happy.
calm.
morose.
aggravated.
nostalgic.
okay.
amused.
annoyed.
lethargic.
envious.
irate.
drained.