I"m listening to Tori's last two albums which i had recently ignored. Its just an older sound. Easy Listening Tori. LP's mother loves The Beekeeper. It makes sense, Tori is in her early 40's, has a child, a husband and with the exception of hurricane season her life is fairly uneventful. I feel like i'm on the down slope of quite an event and the music is suddenly comforting. Country music in the 70s became popular for that same reason. Sick of the trials and tribulations of the political sixties so they look to simpler times.. "Take it easy". I guess i know wish i was middleaged married and mothered.. well and outrageously talented. Its a nice perk..

I was watching Under the Tuscan Sun today and Francis discusses the Virgin Mary in terms of her favorite Aunt Mary who is always around reminding us that things will go on as they have before. The Beekeeper is inspired by The Secret Life of Bees which is about the black madonna. Even Margaret Atwood admits that if she converts to any religion it would be catholicism because of the Virgin Mary. The divine mother. I think its just comforting to think that God has a mother. I mean it seems that a woman can birth greatness but greatness can't exist with out a mother. I feel a mother is a much more comfortable idea for a being that is eternal. Your mother was there before you were born and even after she dies her words, her values, her mothering will forever reside in you. This is totally sexist to even think. I'm comfortable with God being a man, but I just don't think he could do it alone. Tori sings "God, sometimes you just don't come through. Do you need a woman to look after you?" I guess for the most part religion is partriarchal so i'm probably just holding on to any significant female figure for relation. Its hard to look at christ and see that he's there for you, he doesn't know the first thing about me.

LP told me last weekend that she thought that we were Karma Police.

This is what you get when you mess with us,
kt.

Xbox live. Jesus. maybe its the fix once you hit the bottom. I've already gone down.

I spent this past weekend in Tallahassee. It seems easy to forget my troubles up there. Strange, since my troubles are so much closer up there.

I'm reading Gone With the Wind. Scarlett is complaining about why she can't be herself around men. Why she has to act stupid and faint. The thing that scares me the most is that it is kindof true. Men don't like women smarter than they are. I feel that there are all these mysogynisms swept under rugs that i'm just begining to find. That scares me though. I'm afraid i'm getting far too lost in all this and will soon start to hate men. Its bad enough that my sympathy for the lack of the male identity is starting wane. I need to put my girls away and stop thinking.

Allright this is being cut short. I'll try to come up with more, sooner.

tootles.

This was just too cool.

You scored as Classical Liberal. You are a classical liberal. You are sceptical about much of the historicity of the Bible, and the most important thing Jesus has done is to set us a good moral example that we are to follow. Doctrines like the trinity and the incarnation are speculative and not really important, and in the face of science and philosophy the surest way we can be certain about God is by our inner awareness of him. Discipleship is expressed by good moral behaviour, but inward religious feeling is most important. Classical Liberal 75% Emergent/Postmodern 64% Roman Catholic 64% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 57% Modern Liberal 50% Neo orthodox 43% Charismatic/Pentecostal 29% Reformed Evangelical 25% Fundamentalist 7% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

Tori Amos does a brilliant cover of The Rolling Stones' Angie. Normally i don't like her covers, but this one seems to understand the song better than the original. Odd.

She also says "Now I'm wishing for my best impression of my best Angie Dickinson". I always thought of Emily Dickinson. Though i can't imagine what an impression of Emily Dickinson would be. For the most part socially solitary, minus a few relationships with family and girlfriends, died in obscurity only to have a legacy of poetry left behind to busy the rest of us with questions of your religion and sexuality. I need to read more of her. Maybe she's like Tori in the sense shes a girls girl and there is such an intimacy among girls that can be intrepreted as homosexuality. I mean with each other girls are very open about themselves. We talk constantly of sex and our various biological processes.

I was reading Spelling by Margaret Atwood the other day. It starts out talking about her daughter learning to spell and then moves into a more mystical idea in the sense of spells. Maybe women are so easily seen as witches because even to ourselves we are such mysteries. I know that sounds ridiculously arrogant to say. And i know i'm not a boy so to say that men seem so much more straight forward could be very ignorant of me. But i still think that so many aspects of our existance seem to be a mystery. I know why i get my period, i know how i get my period, but I still feel its more than just a biological process. Too often its like the best friend or sister that visits to remind you of what you are. No matter what you become or how sexless you make youself, for a week out of the month your femininity returns to remind you. Its nice, its an excuse to ignore your boyfriend and just wallow in femaleness.

One day its going to leave and then where are we? As children sex didn't matter. You just identified with whats most comfortable. For the longest time I thought boys got me better than girls. I have two brothers and they were until highschool my true best friends. In highschool i had girlfriends, but boys still played an important role as friends. But then i met my best friend and i realized the value of a real girl friend. I can't tell my brothers all my problems. They aren't going to cuddle on the couch, eat chocolate and watch romantic comedies with me. They aren't going to turn to me with urinary tract infections, and aren't going to look very sympatheticly on mine. Christ, where would women be without other women.

Part of me is sorry for being so distant with my mother. I look at LP and CP with their mother and wish i had it. My mother just isn't like that. She has her own way of defining her femininity that seems so independent. I wish i was more like her sometimes. She's really wonderful, i have no idea how we become so distant in various ways. Maybe once i meet the person i'm going to settle down with i'll be more open with her. or maybe when i have my own kids. We do have the urinary tract infections to bond over still though.

Tori sings "I need a big loan from the girl zone". I feel like i'm cashing in but i haven't quite paid my dues. I hope i don't get kicked out. I've never known well enough the value of girl friends until recently. I'm sorry it took this low to make me realize it. I wish i had known sooner so i could have been a better friend to the girls. At least i learned. Lets hope i still have a chance to pay my dues and remain in the club, for the most part they have been very tolerant of me.

God i need to figure out who i am. I'm already 23 years old, you'd think i was at least a little closer, right?

Hopefully my posts won't be so ridden with sadness and questions, sometimes i can be witty.