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mood |
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tired, sick, and happy |
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music |
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One Year, Six Months |
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Alright so it's been a good while since I've updated, and an even greater while since I've updated regularly. I was going to start anew with a fresh blurty ID, but then I realized if I did such a thing I'd no longer have all of the fun user capabilities that came with my "I was one of the firsts so I'm cool" account. Lately I've had an excessive amount of free time and I don't know what to do, and I've been down this road before so it looks like here is where it ends. I like that last part, sounds pathetically poetic. Pat. Certainly has done more than replaced Josh. I think I love him. For real, not some bull shit why can't I have him I love him, because I have him. I'm just very afraid of those words. And until I can say them to his face and look into his eyes and feel the wonderful feelings of joy and relief I will separate those words with "think". He's honestly the best person that exists in the world. At least such that I've found up until today (and probably tomorrow and many many more days to follow). I know this is hard to believe for anyone but myself, but he's got these ways to make me feel like the best person, and we never fight. There are times when I worry too much, like I advise him not to, and if I don't know what he's been doing for long and extended time periods my mind gets a little too imaginative and I worry that it's in those very moments that he's finding a new way of life - one that doesn't include me. It's bound to be right eventually, but I'm quite certain that for now he's entirely mine. And for the most part I'm not worrying, but thinking about every minute that I've spent with him, and the way he looks when he sleeps and how I can look at him and keep myself up into hours later than I ever could before just looking and touching and kissing his face. And then there is the way he smells - I don't know what it is, its like this mixture of laundry and men's deodorant and possibly a light cologne occasionally but when I lay my head on his chest or snuggle into his neck it's like a minute of bliss. And when we lay around I never want to leave him, and I try my hardest to make him want to stay forever. His eyes are gorgeous they are blue though I swear one time they were brilliant green until of course we switched light angles and they were back to blue, but they were green once. But they always have yellow in the middle the best part about them is the way they add to his smile or the look he gets on his face (my favorite of all of his facial expressions) when he gets done looking at me or something like that and he gets this bashful look.....but it's really happy looking too and he burries himself into me. i would kill to wake up to that look and fall asleep to it. It makes me the happiest girl around. And not to sound too much like a movie (specifically Win a Date with Ted/Tad Hamilton) but I know his smiles. There are more than six though, he's got one for that great expression and then one when he's thinking and looking at me and realizing we're thinking similar thoughts and one when he thinks somethings funny (not funny enough to laugh at though) one when hes being sly and also one when he's being devious one when hes trying to resist the feeling of "tickle" one when he's disgusted with something but amused at the same time one when he laughs one when he finds out good news and a fake smile. I love them all. I also love how he appreciates me. Like the things he does when we're just watching jeopardy or something hes really interested in. It's like he stops to take a moment to take everything in or something. I catch him looking over at me and pretend not to notice but then I try to make my face look prettier, or he'll kiss my hand and each of my fingers or if I'm luckiest he'll just "attack" me and start kissing me out of no where. And we have these games we play with one another just to get a smile out of the other person. I feel like I could tell him anything, but I don't have to. That's a really hard feeling to describe. He thinks little of himself and I don't think he understands what I see in him. If he read this he'd probably know. Maybe one day. I could probably go on for pages about his wonderful quirks. He makes me want to be a better person....which we'll get to later. He cares about me, he's seen me sad twice...when John....and when Amanda brought me some ill-fated (Hopefully false) news and both times the look of compassion was priceless I've seen him cry once and it made me want to do whatever I can to never let him be sad again. At least not from me, but he was sad..at least I think...at the thought of losing me or what we have. Which by the way is tremendously great and near perfect-but with enough flaws to be considered greater than perfect which is boring and cannot ever be appreciated. Everytime my phone rings I hope quickly that its him. I like the sound of his voice and wow its so incredibly undescribable I have so many wonderful wonderful things to say about this one. He's such a keeper, I might continue at another time but I'm growing tired and I'd rather think about it than write about it cause I can think faster and more vividly than I can describe. And I'm only really writing this for myself because I doubt anyone reads me anymore and this looks puppy-loveish and pathetic, which it may be but I don't care. I love it. Good night, and until we meet again (which will hopefully be sooner rather than later).
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