| View: | User Info. |
| View: | Friends. |
| View: | Calendar. |
| View: | Website (Soemthing random). |
| View: | Memories. |
| You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries. | |
|
|
Blurty for fresa.
|
||||||||||||
| Thursday, December 3rd, 2009 |
|
||||||
|
Once or twice a month, I update this journal. The following letter is a response to some things that were said about me behind my back. The person who told me has now become suspect. If that person can turn around and tell me something another person said about me, how am I to know what he won't go and do the same to me? That is why I have made this letter something I wouldn't mind her reading. As I have stated below, I have nothing to hide. Yes, she knew me. Emphasis on the past tense because I was a very different person back then. As for the trusting me bit, I wouldn't have trusted me at that time either. In that way she is not wrong, but that is also a reflection of my character from 2007. I guess some people don't believe people can change. I would be pissed off about that, but I know it's not true. I know that I've changed and whether or not anyone else knows/believes that is not my concern. About the "screwing people over" deal. She isn't completely wrong about that, but at the same time she isn't completely right. We all know that when someone is pissed off they tend to only see their side of the story. I have the ability to see both sides, and I know the version that she probably heard probably made me look really bad. I made a lot of mistakes during that time, but I don't regret any of them. Every choice I made brought me here...I do regret what happened...but I will NOT beat myself up for it now. The first mistake was moving in with a friend I had then to avoid being "lonely" which was a stupid idea. It was me, her, and her young son. It was really easy to become attached to this family. Although I will tell you that my friend wasn't the picture of mental health at the time either. She had just lost her job and was in a very in between state. I had just failed out of university for the second time and very lost. We started really hanging out and became kind of inseparable. Although that was a toxic friendship for the both of us. We sort of exacerbated one anothers bad qualities and even encouraged them. Aside from that, her landlord wasn't really digging the three of us living in that one bedroom apartment. We decided (for some reason) to rent a place together. I did it because I felt badly for her situation. She could have moved back in with her parents, but it looked like a horrible idea. She made it seem like living there would be hell on earth. I'm a bleeding heart and I felt for her. We found a mobile home and moved in. I wasn't ready to handle that kind of responsibility, but I wasn't really able to think clearly enough to realize this. In my mind I was helping her avoid being in an uncomfortable situation with her parents. So we're living there for a little while and the next due date for the rent rolls around. I'll be the first to tell you that I was TERRIBLE with money at the time. My parents were NOT the best role models, and I was definitely spoiled for the longest time. I had just gotten my job at The Olive Garden back. I spent somewhere around 170$ on new work clothes. I was talking with a friend of mine who had helped me out with money in the past. He said he was going to help me out with a little money and not to worry about it. A few days past and nothing happened with that. I had to scramble around to find the rent money, which made things VERY tense in the house. I sold my lap top and took back the stuff I had bought a few days prior. I even borrowed a little bit of money from some other people I knew at the time. A day lapsed between the time the rent was due and the time I found the money. This made my room mate very angry...and even though I found a way to get the money, she was beyond pissed off. She has pretty much hated me ever since, and I can't say that I blame her. I left that night, thinking that we were going to make up eventually and that this would only be a temporary setback. We had a huge argument and she called me, "Pathetic" among other things that I don't really remember. She was reacting that way in defense of her child, which she had the right to do. Although I never would have let anything bad happen to that kid because he was the only kid I had liked up until that point. I thought that if I gave her a night to herself, I could come back later and talk like adults.I was wrong...she was dead set that I was the worst person to ever live. She ended up keeping and selling the stuff that I had left behind. As you can imagine, that colored her opinion of me and made it very unflattering to say the least. I spent the next couple of months drowning in a sea of depression and confusion that I saw no real end to. Anyone who has dealt with depression at this level will tell you that it is really difficult to make anything work the way it should. Specifically, I was dealing with depression and OCD. These two things together tend to resemble bipolar disorder. Not a pretty combination....I was left thinking about a lot of things..and dealing with the loss of that previous friendship. I kept my job at the Olive Garden from 07/07-10/07. During that time I realized that I was in a dead end job and that wasn't what I wanted to be doing for the rest of my life. I had an epiphany of sorts and decided to enroll at Job Corps. I signed up for the Culinary Arts program. I knew I needed a change, and this seemed like the best option. That turned out to be one of the best decisions I could have made. Not only did I improve my cooking skills, but I was given the structure and discipline that I never had growing up. She said I was up and down, and that's because I really was. I was not really able to get control of that until Job Corps where I was given the time and resources to better take care of the problem. I started working out on a regular basis (which greatly helps with mood disorders.) I always look and feel my best when I have a good workout routine. I also got myself a good antidepressant, and that was what helped me the most. There were so many things I wasn't willing to admit to myself in that year, and that disaster ended up being one of the things that saved me. It was just the kick in the ass I needed to get myself to grow the fuck up. I still make mistakes now and again, but never at that magnitude. She only knows what other people have told her about me, and a lot of it has been half truths. I only say this because they were giving her biased accounts of what happened. I'm not at all blaming my depression for everything that happened, but it was definitely a big factor. I was not able to manage my life, and there were casualties. My relationship with her has been kind of "weird" besides all that and that is for a few different reasons. She was engaged to this dude, and he was a pretty cool guy. The friendship between the three of us got a little closer than it probably should have (this was while I was still at NMHU..before the summer that the situation above happened in.) I had a crush on her and I think she knew that. Being that close to her, I got kind of emotionally attached. That was pretty hard for me, and as a couple they were "swingers." On some level I knew that they would probably have sex with others besides me, but I wasn't able to cope with that. I was also feeling sort of awkward with the situation...Sex has always been kind of a painful thing for me because of the sexual abuse I went through in my childhood and adolescence. I got entirely too attached to her and I couldn't handle it. She saw me cry more than I would have liked..lol. I was a mess...and she's right about that. But it's so much more complex than she or anyone else will ever know. I know I can't change her opinion of me, but I'm not going to try. That would be futile..It's not that I don't care..because I do, I'm still human. I'm just not going to go out of my way to convince her or anyone else that I'm different. To do that would be to say that I need to be validated for everything that I have done to better myself. In the spirit of "growing the fuck up", I want to say that I do not hold any ill will towards her for expressing an opinion. For the most part, she is right about who I was. I was a sketchy person at that time because I was not able to hold myself together for a lot of reasons. I couldn't hold myself together, and that made a lot of things in my life fall apart. Unfortunately, I lost some people in the process..and they're probably who she was referring to when she said that I "fucked people over". The only thing I want to say is that no one (not even her) is perfect. I challenge you to find one person in this world who has not made any mistakes. If you find a person who claims that, they're probably in severe denial. I realize now that I can't keep everyone happy at all times. I have fucked up...I probably will fuck up again soon..but at least this time I will be able to handle it with confidence. I will have the experience to inform my decisions, and that will guide me towards a much better future. How do you think I got myself to San Francisco? It wasn't luck that got me here..it was hard work and determination. Other people may give up on me, but I will NEVER give up on myself. That's all I have to say on that. Do with the information what you will, as I have nothing to hide. As for the "friendship" between Celia and I, she has very little to do with me as is. Hearing that she spoke that way about me doesn't surprise me. I'm a little disappointed, but there's only so much I can do about that now. I am going to turn the other cheek because that is the right thing to do. *shrug* |
||||||
|
|
| Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009 |
|
||||
|
I really enjoyed watching Charlie Chaplin's The Kid. I have been a fan of his work since my sophomore year in high school. I can honestly say that there is no one I admire more. He can say more with his eyes in one glance than many actors can with the most clever of scripts. Every time I watch one of his movies, I feel like I get to know him a little better. He captures a vulnerability that I feel a lot of modern performers lack. I was also very moved by Jackie Coogan's performance as the kid. He complimented The Tramp's character very well. It was easy for me to believe that The Tramp had really lived with the kid for five years. I found myself really liking them as a family. I got upset when the mother came back and tried to take the kid from The Tramp. I thought it was really unfair because she left the kid when things got tough. The Tramp was there to pick up the pieces and provided a home for the kid. He became the kid's true parent. Even though the mom was genetically linked to the kid, that is where the connection stopped. Overall, I'm pleased with the way the movie ended. Charlie Chaplin never ceases to entertain and delight me. |
||||
|
|
| Saturday, September 19th, 2009 |
|
||||||
|
I'm going to use this journal for private entries. I'm also going to use it to work on assignments for my English 108 class. YES! I have been in San Francisco for a few months. I am now in my second semester at The Academy of Art. Yes, I am typing this on my Macbook. See that last entry? All of that is true for me now! :) Any how..I'm working on my Autobio..so I'm going to keep it here and revise it periodically. I grew up in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Santa Fe is also known as "The City Different". Wikipedia says this in reference to the artist town, "This year we are making a studied conscious effort not to be studied or conscious. Santa Fe is now one of the most interesting art centers in the world and you, O Dude of the East, are privileged to behold the most sophisticated group in the country gamboling freely..." When I was around the age of seven, I read a magazine for children called Highlights for Kids. They had a section of the magazine where they featured pictures drawn by kids all over the country. One day I decided that I wanted to send in a picture myself, so drew a picture to send in for consideration. I remember the pride I felt when held the finished drawing in my hands. The paper was shiny and smooth to the touch from the colored pencils. I sent it in, and it didn't actually get published in the magazine. Even though my drawing wasn't featured, I think this is when I was first encouraged to embrace my creative side. I have attended schools with incredible art and music programs. We had classes dedicated solely to both. It is safe to say that I don't remember a time when I wasn't allowed to express myself while I was in school. I did relatively well in school until I was in the sixth grade. My teacher was great and I was encouraged to be creative. I loved reading new books and writing. I couldn't seem to concentrate on math. So all of my other skills developed, and my math skills were just ignored. I suppose you could say I fell through the cracks in regards to math. This seemed to happen in every school I was in. I had attended six schools between the ages of six and eighteen. There are many reasons for this. At the age of fourteen I started to show symptoms of depression. This has been a major part of my development as a person. I always had a difficult time concentrating and sitting still. This is when art became an escape and a sanctuary. My father was the type of person who thought of anger as the only way to discipline and communicate with a child. He would try to help me with my math homework, but got so frustrated with me that he would lash out. The subjects that I excelled in are the ones that he never had involvement with. My first dream was to grow up and be a writer. I wrote a story in the third grade that I was very proud of. I wanted my teacher to read it and tell me what she thought. The only thing she commented on was my penmanship. I continued to write, but drawing became what I did for me. Later that year I took a comic book workshop at the local community college. The skills I learned in that day would influence me throughout my schooling. As I entered high school, I found myself lost in a sea of depression and confusion. My parents were very career oriented, so I didn't get much support from them. I attended a Christian school for a short time. Up until that point I was a well behaved adolescent. This is when I began to question the things around me. This included religion, politics, and certain social norms. As a religious school, naturally there are many rules that the students were expected to follow. The principal told me that I had "broken every rule" they had. Prior to this, I had never really been in serious trouble in school. This is when my parents decided to put me back into public school. That is when I fell in love with stage performance. I was in theater for most of the time I was in high school. Being on stage was one of the most exhilarating feelings. The warmth of the bright stage lights on my face was comforting and terrifying all at once. This was also the beginning of one of my greatest obstacles. This is when I found out that I suffer from chronic panic attacks. I began my roller coaster ride with different SSRIs. I tried many different prescriptions with mixed results. I almost didn't graduate from high school. Luckily, I was able to live with a different family for a time. They were very supportive of me. I had never had that growing up. I graduated a little later than scheduled, but that didn't matter. I was beginning to have a faith in myself that only continued to grow. |
||||||
|
|
| Wednesday, March 4th, 2009 |
|
||||||||
|
Does anyone even read these? I suppose it doesn't matter. These are for me anyway.. That guy over winter break...yah..he was nothing but a pretty face. Then I tried to date David Lindsey again. Don't ask me why I did that... He is a TERRIBLE kisser. Still haven't found a better kisser than..well..you know. The funny thing about that is I didn't find him attractive when I first saw him. Then I saw him with a girlfriend and thought, "WTF? What do girls see in him?" Then I saw him everyday..and I don't know..he grew on me for some odd reason. Then I talked to him and I was pretty much smitten. Yeah..I know. Mushy.. But whatever.. I pretty much had a dream that let me know that I'm not really over him yet. I'm working on moving on but it's hard. Everyone in Santa Fe are pretty much douche bags. Sorry. They all act like they're so entitled. I started talking to Mark before I left Job Corps. Only thing about that is...he's young..He's 19. We tried the whole kiss thing.. No chemistry. I don't know. I feel odd. I can't really feel anything for anyone else. Kinda sucks. I know I need to let myself heal though. Speaking of healing, I got my cheek piercings back. They aren't like the other ones though. The other ones went straight through the cheek. That is really dangerous though. Something about salivary glands and leaking. They are single point piercings. They are kinda like surface piercings but better. It's awesome..it' hasn't affected the way I eat at all..since it doesn't go anywhere near the inside of the mouth. So yeah..I'm a huge geek. LOL. I don't really see myself dating again. I'm going to San Francisco in June. I'm going to start my photography classes. I'm pretty excited...and scared. New people?! An entirely new group of people! I have to make new friends...That sucks..but it's exciting at the same time. I can finally be with people my own feckin' age. Oh yeah. ;) I got this birth control shot in early December. Then I started my lady business in Jan, and I've been on it for OVER A MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This. Is. Crap. I went to the Gyno and she suggested I just take the pill. So I got a script...I went to Walgreens...but as usual they are incompetent cunts. So I'm going to use expresscripts or whatever. *sigh* Now all I need to do is find a job so I can get my a$$ to San Fran and get me a shiny new Mac with my education discount. :D |
||||||||
|
|
| Tuesday, January 6th, 2009 |
|
||||||||
|
so i'm still in job corps. bummer. but i just went to the greatest dance they've had here. alan played some awesome electro. i was so down. i shook my ass the whole time. i was jumping around and shakin' it. :) i had fun.. -me. |
||||||||
|
|
| Thursday, January 1st, 2009 |
|
||||
|
I got exactly what I wanted this year. A non-repeat of last New Years. I was with people. :) Last year I welcomed the new year by myself. Now I'm in my room watching The Sci-Fi Channel and surfing the net. Perfect. Not entirely perfect. *^.^* <3 -me. |
||||
|
|
| Monday, December 22nd, 2008 |
|
||||||
|
so one of my little adventures has come to a close and i'm pretty thankful for it. we only went on three dates. we had nothing in common...except for we both kind of like sex. lol..that sounds terrible, i know. i guess it's what i needed at the time. he was my ex boyfriends room mate. he started talking to me right after we broke up. he did the friend thing with me. then out of the blue he was like, "so when are we going to hang out?" i don't think i could have handled that being a relationship. i couldn't stand him when i first got here. but hey..*shrug* things happen, no? winter break is probably the best time to be here at job corps. at least for right now. i stopped working in the cafeteria on friday. i think i should really concentrate on my studies at this point. treasure island requires a tabe out of math to get in. >.< so that is what i will be working on this break. that doesn't mean i won't be having fun though. speaking of fun.. there was a guy that was going to come into culinary about four weeks ago. every girl in the room thought he was sexy. now he fancies me. ;) he seems like a nice enough guy...but i've though that before in the past. he's shy, and i really like that. i really ought to be in bed. so i'm going...but that's what's happening with me. -cecilia. ps i'm not missing that boy anymore. (yes, he is a boy. i was wrong.) |
||||||
|
|
| Saturday, December 13th, 2008 |
|
||||||||
|
so i'm feeling pretty neutral right now i'm doing laundry in the dorm i rode the transit with this boy i have a crush on i smile like a retard every time he's around i don't know what it is about him there's just something about a boy who can solve a rubik's *^.^* i do have feelings.. i won't do anything about them though the last time i did that...well..you know. we broke up. "it is better to have loved and lost.." all that shit.. i have a couple of small crushes here and there they don't all lead to anything though i saw the guy i wanted to see this week i only saw him once..it was while i was working he seems like he's doing all right he's leaving in january it's kind of odd, because that's when i'll be leaving too i feel comfortable around him i don't really feel nervous only a little bit of butterflies i like seeing him i like being around him sometimes i find myself thinking about little things he's said to me. it's always the little things that matter most.. anyhow...time for my run. love, cecilia |
||||||||
|
|
| Saturday, December 6th, 2008 |
|
||||||||
|
i still love him i don't know what's the matter with me i still find myself thinking about him his eyes.. his smile.. things he's said to me. it's ridiculous. i feel pathetic. cardio vascular nonsense. so flippin heart sick.. c'est la vie. -cecilia. |
||||||||
|
|
| Saturday, October 25th, 2008 |
|
||||||||
|
i got my nipples pierced a few weeks ago. ryan and i broke up. i don't regret getting involved with him though. it was interesting to say the least. he was my venus as a boy. *^.^* i had a date with a cute boy on thursday. he's great..adorable. interesting.. sexy.. i like him. i hope to get to know him better.. Interesting stuff: Chapter 1: The Sun - Your Ego Structure SUN IN SAGITTARIUS You have a good grasp of the big picture. Although you are overly blunt at times, you have a basic sense of honesty and a lightheartedness which gives the ability to connect with lots of different people. Your overview of life makes you particularly prone to accurate projections. You consciously strive to obtain freedom through self-understanding. This may engage you in philosophic or religious studies, schools or more directly through travel and exploring the great outdoors. You get closer to your goal in life when you become more concerned for the thoughts and feelings of others. You are very quick to react and your spontaneity can be pointing to a lack of sincerity. You learn a lot by consciously reexamining your motives and methods. Find out more with your full-length reading... MERCURY IN SAGITTARIUS Your mind naturally moves toward the big picture. You are always looking "over the hills and far away". You are independent in thought while honestly thinking that you are the mainstream standard of life. You think you are "telling it like it is" but the truth of the matter is you are telling it like "it ought to be". There is a moralizing, impulsive and propagating side of whatever you assert. You usually miss details that others feel important, but the breadth of your vision and the joy and lightheartedness of your attitude encourages people to be open to what you say. When you adjust to new circumstances in life, you do so briefly, always holding onto the picture of how things should be. Your vision improves when you are able to face how things really are without discarding your values. i got my left tragus pierced today. i love it. <3 i also got some other stuff.. i put money on my phone...i text more than i probably should. is that possible? i watched saw 5 today..that was freaking insane. i loved it though. it really wraps up the whole series. i am probably gonna take a shower and go to bed. i have to work in the morning.. i got a job in the cafeteria. the minimum wage is only 6.55...but they only give us 46 dollars every two weeks. so this job gives me more than enough pocket money to have fun with. after all, i end up working overtime. i have no problem just dating this person that i like. he's more than worth it. relationships can wait. if this happens to go to that, i'm okay with it. if not, that's all right too. love, -me. |
||||||||
|
|
| Tuesday, September 30th, 2008 |
|
||||||
|
JANUARY THROUGH DECEMBER 2008 A TIME TO BE ALONE FOR MEDITATION, REFLECTION AND CONTEMPLATION. A TIME TO DEVELOP YOUR INNER POWER. Your 7 Personal Year During 2008 you're likely to be spending much more time by yourself than usual, so use that time for some constructive studying, among other things. Concentrate on your intellectual ability instead of working with the pragmatic talents you generally use. Learn more about matters that can be helpful in advancing your ongoing ventures or in beginning new projects. Catch up on reading and studying that you haven't been able to get to before. Develop or brush up on some of your business skills that need attention. Analyze and plan for the future, making good use of the information you've gained from your studies. Although you generally prefer to take action, be very patient this year and take only those steps which seem absolutely necessary. Don't try too hard. Wait for developments rather than making them happen. Take some much needed time for rest and relaxation, too. The strong, assertive approach that generally works so well for you should be downplayed this year. It isn't a good time to take care of your strong material needs, either. Maintain your friendships with your colleagues and associates. Keep the closeness you enjoy with your special friends. Inform those close to you of your desire to be by yourself as well as your reasons for needing time alone. Make sure that your friends don't feel ignored or rejected when you go off by yourself. Monthly Highlights For 2008 The Personal Year is an important yearly influence. This influence, though, is expressed with a somewhat different emphasis each month. Be sure to take the monthly emphasis into account, too, when considering the best approach to take to each month's events. Monthly highlights for 2008 are given next, followed by detailed descriptions for each month. Some business matters in January aren't likely to live up to their potential. In March, you can make some excellent progress with your studies. You'll receive some special understanding in April but be very sensitive and caring. Take care of some necessary work in June. Don't overdo your efforts and don't expect too much from them. Make plans in September for some significant ventures. Help get things underway in December but don't try to force a strong advance. SEPTEMBER 2008 Your 7 Personal Month You have a particularly strong need to spend much of September on your own. In some way, this month may provide a culmination for many of the year's activities. You may receive some special spiritual understanding that will clarify your general outlook, particularly during the week of September 18th. You may experience some intense inner growth, too. Some of your private researches or solitary creative endeavors may come to fruition at this time, as well, giving you much pleasure and satisfaction in addition to the insights you gain. You may also have time to evaluate and coordinate your plans for the future, sometime between September 9th and 27th. Your times by yourself can be particularly meaningful and contribute immeasurably to your inner faith and peace of mind. You may have to deal with others' concerns or resentments about your private activities, though. Be very sensitive and caring and try to avoid quarrels or misunderstandings. |
||||||
|
|
| Sunday, September 14th, 2008 |
|
||||||||
|
Since my last update, I'm up to about 20 pounds of weight loss. I never really knew exactly what I was capable of. I'm really glad that I had the opportunity to come to this place. A lot of the people I spoke to before I came here were so quick to feel sorry for me. This place has afforded me so much in the past 8 months. A few weeks ago we went to an all expense paid trip to Denver. I finally got to do the tourist thing instead of bitching about them in Santa Fe. ;) It was a lot of fun. We went to the Denver mint, Elitch Gardens, and this really swell candy factory. I feel nothing but gratitude. Sure, I've had some drama here. That is true about almost every place I've been to. This is the first time I've actually been happy with one of my choices. Probably because it actually is my choice for once. And now that I actually understand my emotional situation, I can better handle all these challenges coming my way. I'm getting a job in the cafeteria on campus. I've been cooking a lot more. I'm already 66% done in trade, but this will help me finish with the quickness. I really need the money...my favorite shoes are hanging on by a thread. That and I only own two pairs of jeans. >.< Even those don't fit, though. They're a bit large in the waist. I'm still smitten for my boyfriend. I am getting a bit scared though. The last person I dated had a girlfriend back home..and then he fell for someone else. We were a horrible match...I admit to that. I am really falling for this one though. "Whenever you're scared, there's opportunity" -me. |
||||||||
|
|
| Tuesday, September 9th, 2008 |
|
||||
|
oh. my. god! my boyfriend is flipping amazing. i promise you.. i don't know how i got so effing lucky. he's cute, sexy, geeky, funny... he's a nice guy..and I actually LIKE it. I've NEVER liked the nice guy. No, I'm wrong. I LOVE him. hot damn. i said hot damn. ;) -me. |
||||
|
|
| Saturday, August 30th, 2008 |
|
||||||
|
I already trust my boyfriend more than anyone else I know. Anyone who knows me will tell you this is unusual. I feel so light. Everything about him is so right. He brings out a side of me I never knew existed. It's so positive. He's so great.. I wish I would have done this sooner. I don't know if it would ahve been the same. In spite of that, I'm happy. And he's very well endowed. *^.^* That's not why I got with him though. I had no idea..that's just gravy. He is the total package, so to speak. Funny, sexy, cute, smart.. AuGh. I'm a lucky girl. Looovee. -.^ In closing, an Incubus song Met my match today Felt the blood rushing and mingling A curious and enigmatic thing Spiders in my dreams Synchronicity weaves like a web When you were meant to be a meal I want you bad! I want you bad! I understand why they say high school never ends Never act my age You can tell by the lines in my smile That I have been around for awhile So, insecurities Are about as useful as trying To put the pin back in the grenade I want you bad! I want you bad! I understand why they say high school never ends I want you bad! I want you bad! I understand why they say high school never stops This isn't coincidence There's no such thing This isn't coincidence, no This isn't coincidence It's no such thing. This isn't, no I want you bad! I want you bad! I understand why they say high school never ends |
||||||
|
|
| Sunday, August 17th, 2008 |
|
||||||
|
My *crush isn't getting any easier. I think I like him more, if that's even possible. I suppose that's why they call them crushes, because they aren't SUPPOSED to be easy. I don't know..this one doesn't feel as hopeless as the others. This feels pretty mutual. I don't want to tell him and have him laugh in my face. Although we have this weird correspondence going on Myspazz. I'm sort of telling him how I regret telling other people about my crushes on them. But he's telling me that not everyone is like that. So maybe he knows what I'm talking about? But does he know it's about him? I don't know what to think. Besides that, people keep telling me not to do anything about it because he is younger than I. They don't really know what this is like. It's a lot easier than done...because he does NOT act his age. *sigh* Here's a cool t-shirt.   *Crush A painful experience, very common amoung middle schoolers (and high schooler's and even adults to a lesser degree) that involves being obsessed with a member of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if u prefer), being attracted to them physically (most common), or emotionally- also called 'puppy love' also: the object of this affection Verb: crushing He has a huge crush on her. Her crush is hot, but unworthy of her affections. I'm totally crushing on him. |
||||||
|
|
| Sunday, August 10th, 2008 |
|
||||
|
i have a lot of them regrets are not productive though i find myself thinking about highlands sometimes.. i wonder where i would be if i had taken that seriously if i had really been able to handle it if i had held onto certain people i met there i miss a lot of my old friends were they really my friends, though? there's no real way for me to know that and yet i feel a hole where they once were a small emptiness in my heart that only they can fill does that sound emo? probably.. i'm not even capitalizing anything. i can't be perfect all of the time. my grammar is probably less than stellar as well. so sue me. not really though... i only make 37 dollars every two weeks. :) i think about my experience in LV and what parts of it were real. it reminds me of this quote from Accepted: Monica: There are a lot of things in my life that I thought were real and ended up being fake. Why can't the opposite be true? it really hurts me to know that i probably won't see any of these people ever again. it's a small twinge of pain..it's not overwhelming. it feels similar to the feeling of powerlessness.. that isn't even a word, is it? oh well...eff it. there were a lot of opportunties i didn't take for fear of losing someones friendship. i feel like an idiot over it. i hate regrets more than apologies a lot of the time. does it make me a better person because i didn't do it? does it make me less selfish? desire is the root of suffering. maybe i want to suffer. you can't appreciate the good without the bad.. all i have now are questions. i should have kissed him. -me. |
||||
|
|
| Wednesday, July 30th, 2008 |
|
||||
|
my iPod was stolen today i'm pissed off i'm on gold card floor and still getting stuff taken i'm so angry. DL is hot. |
||||
|
|
| Monday, July 28th, 2008 |
|
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
I just happen to like someone who is younger than I...so here goes.. "Babysitter" -Morningwood Close the door behind us Don't open it to strangers You know where to find us Sure I got your numbers (Don't you) You gotta start sometime (wanna sit next to me?) Show me as I show you mine (I'll show) Can you keep a secret? (you a secret, or two, or three) Baby, Baby, (your such a) Baby, Baby And one thing I chose to admit Is that your momma momma momma Shouldn't let me baby-sit Can I crawl in bed with you? I'll let you stay up real late And do what you wanna do If I can be a playmate (Don't) You can be my boy scout (you need someone to tuck you in?) But you gotta turn the lights out Baby, Baby, (your such a) Baby, Baby And one thing I chose to admit Is that your daddy daddy daddy Shouldn't let me baby-sit You gotta start sometime It might as well be now I wanted you to be mine Never let me baby-sit [x4] Baby, Baby, (your such a) Baby, Baby And one thing I chose to admit Is that your momma momma momma Shouldn't let me baby-sit (Never let me) Baby (sit), Baby, (your such a) Baby, Baby (never let me) And one thing I chose to admit (Never let me) Is that your daddy daddy daddy Shouldn't let me baby-sit (Never let me) Baby (sit), Baby, (your such a) Baby, Baby And one thing I chose to admit Is that your momma momma momma Shouldn't let me baby-sit... |
||||
|
|
| Sunday, July 27th, 2008 |
|
||||
|
Right now I'm filled with a nervous energy. I'm not sure if it's pain...or if it's just that coffee I had earlier. I do know that I remember feeling this whenever someone is upset with me..or if I'm in trouble somehow. It also kind of feels like the beginnings of a panic attack. I can usually keep myself from having a full blown panic attack. I had one the other day whilst watching Hancock. I don't really know why being in a movie theater brings that out of me. I remember it happened when I was trying to watch Star Wars. I had to leave halfway through. I was hanging out with some CAPA people. Needless to say, they never invited me out again. I didn't do very well with social graces. Some things have been bothering me as of late and I need to sort through them on here. I don't know if I've mentioned this here yet, but I'm attending a Job Corps. right now. It's basically a trade school, but it's ran by the government. This allows it to be "free" to the students. People don't realize that it's not really free. The students are basically janitorial staff. It reminds me of the saying,'There's no such thing as a free lunch'. Any how, this place is not really set up to allow a person free time. It's a closed campus, so we are not allowed to leave unless we're leadership or gold card. It's not a college, but it masquerades as one. I think that's one of my biggest problems about this place. They call us employees one second, students the next. They want us to be adults, but treat us like children. That being said, the students are constantly being thrown into each others faces. We have room mates, so we can never be truly alone. That is a big problem for someone like me. I am highly independent. I need to be alone in order to collect my thoughts and grow as an individual. Alone time here is very difficult to find. I'm sitting in a computer room and I'm not alone. I was for a little while, but there were still people in and out of here. Then they expect me to be able to socialize with them. They don't know what's going on in my life, so they want me to be cheery and bubbly all of the time. They don't know that two people have ganged up to stir up drama for me. So they think I'm being hostile for no reason. I am really getting fed up with justifying my actions to people. It's like, "You want to be alone? What's the matter with you?! What's wrong? Are you getting upset? Don't get upset. You are being rude to me. What's your problem?" That and people seem to think that I'm an oblivious child who cannot take care of herself. Just earlier Nicole walked up to me and we had this little exchange: Nicole: "You know that Marlene has you on WBL*, right?" (my thoughts: Uh..yeah..I can read.) Me: "Yeah..." Nicole: " I feel sorry for you" (my thoughts: why the fuck is everyone so negative?! besides that, I don't need her pity..) Me: Why? Nicole: Oh yeah, I forgot..you don't want to be in her class. Well, I'm ditching culinary for the next few days. (my thoughts: I missed the part where that's my problem.) Of COURSE I know I have WBL. I'm a responsible adult. I always check whether or not my name is on that schedule. That and people thinking that I cannot handle working with the people I've been scheduled alongside. I have worked with these people before. WBL is nothing new to be at this point. I've been in this place for six months on the 22nd. It seems like it's trendy to take issue with me lately. I don't know what the hell is going on. It's like people gravitate towards drama and don't even know it. And I'm saying this because I'll have people offer me things and then change their mind about it later. Or I'll ask someone to help me out with something, but because they are too nice to say no they agree. Then later on they hold onto it as a grudge and act like I never said thank you to them. I am pretty close to saying, "Fuck all people. I end up getting hurt more often than not". *WBL: Work Based Learning (labor) -me. PS I have a little crush on someone else. No, it's not Garrett. He and I didn't work out. He was immature. Oh well.. This person is out of my league in a lot of ways. So I don't even want to mess with it. It's a nice thought though. It's nice to have something no one can touch. Since I'm practically married to Bunny, it helps. I don't even believe in marriage, you know...I can't even really have other friends outside of my relationship with her..or friendship..or whatever it is. Any how, I found what my real issue is.. found at this link: http://www.links2love.com/advice_2.htm "My guess is that the men you choose pull away because they sense your unwillingness to allow them to have a life outside of you. Maybe when they start to pull away, it really is their way of saying, "Kathy, you are not my only concern." It sounds like you interpret their need to pay attention to their individual realities as a rejection of you, which indeed it is not. Or are you so possessive and obsessed that they actually need to pull away in order to take care of the other priorities in their lives. So here's the deal: you need to grow up. This means that you need to look at love and relationships in general as partnerships, where two people share life goals and experiences along a mutually beneficial and pleasurable path. What 'relationship' doesn't mean is an exclusive bubble where real life and other people can never trespass. Nor can any relationship fill up all your unmet emotional needs, past and present. I have a feeling that when you begin to allow the men in your life some time and space of their own, they may not need to pull away so dramatically. And Kathy, here's the good news. You had the intelligence to recognize that this is a pattern in your life and that is the first step to doing something about it. As you learn to make yourself happy and fulfilled in your own life, others won't feel the burden of doing it for you. That way, you can be happy and fulfilled together, without pressure, without ownership, and without unreasonable demands for attention. This is the beginning of real intimacy. Sincerely, Dr. TRuth" Yeah... a lot. -me. |
||||
|
|
|
|
Blurty for fresa.
|
||||||||||||
relieved.
sleepy.
cheerful.
contemplative.
pensive.
giddy.
loved.