icebergh@blurty.com________[ american idol ; reese witherspoon ]

Sunday, January 25th, 2004 :: 2:42pm

mood :: artistic

music :: can't stop, won't stop / young gunnerz & chingy

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I KNOW. I neglected it. Actually, the real truth is that I moved to another server, buutt .. I've got some free time while I'm procrastinating doing work, so I thought I would update!

Update about what. Um, well, I don't know. Since I can't remember the last time I updated this, and I'm too damn lazy to check, I suppose I'll just do an over view of the past few months as brief as I can make it. Haha. Brief. Me. Wow.

September;
I think I auditioned for Swing Choir in Sept. Regardless, I got in ( go me! ).
Helped plan the Welcome Back dance, sponsored by the Sophomore class. Danced with Jay Fisset ( it is really quite pathetic that dancing with him was actually a HIGHLIGHT of the dance. )

October;
Spent most of the month working on Homecoming with StuCo & Sophomore Class. Went to the stadium and built the bonfire - got covered in hay, smelled like a barn animal for the rest of the school day. Our sophomore class float came in 2nd place. Ran across the football team to crown the Homecoming court, got my face painted half brown, half gold. Made an ass out of myself. Wow, sounds like a normal night for me!

November;
Kyle visited the day before Thanksgiving. Went to Boston, went ice skating at Frog Pond, almost killed him for almost making me fall. Ate Chinese food, went to my grandmothers, came home, he left.
Went out to eat for Thanksgiving dinner, went to my cousins afterwards and proceeded to eat most of the tiramisu ( what do you want from me, no one else was asking for any ).

December;
Chorus & Band Christmas concert. Um, fun. Stripped off my robe and ran down to the cafeteria for the Snow Ball dance. Danced to Britney Spears with Kara and Kathleen since there wasn't anyone at the dance and we didn't care!! Guilted my 'date', Ryan, to dance with me.
Got sick for three days before vacation. Went to Florida just getting over the stomach bug and an ear infection. Basked in golden sun and 76 degree weather for 14 days. Had to go to Animal Kingdom to get Rob & April's Disney vouchers verified, decided to go in my Grumpy pajamas & Marquette sweatshirt, got weird looks. Went to Universal's CityWalk and Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville, ate lots of food, froze my ass off. Went to the Nike store and bought sneakers ( what a time ). Went to Magic Kingdom, went on 4 rides, bought a cool cowboy hat.

And finally, January;
Started musical ( The Music Man ) rehearsals, and Drivers Ed.
Like rehearsals. Despise Drivers Ed.

That was exciting. Bored, now. !

1 _ go blonde

Thursday, November 6th, 2003 :: 8:49pm

mood :: blank

music :: dreams ; the cranberries

I *finally* decided to update. Actually, Lauren, Jamie and a few other non-mentionables (*cough*TONY*cough*) told me that if I didn't update they'd make me walk the plank (or they just whined about it a lot). So, enjoy reading this long, rambling update that shouldn't be going in since I should be cramming for my Bio test tomorrow!

Life's been... busy. I have to say that I am REALLY enjoying sophomore year a lot more than freshman year, which counts for a lot. I mean, honestly, freshman year had its good, and great, days. But there was that whole winter, where I just didn't want to do anything. I don't really know how to describe it. It was sort of like a period of time for me to sit and go "Who the hell are you, and what the hell do you want?", and even though I may not have completely answered those questions yet, I at least spent the time and now do not stress over them as much as I used to.

Now its more like I stress over everything else. I could probably budget my time, I could probably not worry so much, but I do. I forced myself to involve myself in extracurricular activities so I WOULDN'T end up with another winter like last, and to actually stick by what I said last year and do the things I promised others I would do (with the exception of Drama Club, and we all know why I didn't do that). I think I've decided that I want to be stressed out. I need the challenge and I need the motivation and I need the fun in my life again. I had the relaxation, and I will have more time to relax, but right now I need to focus like the friggin' Karate Kid and get back on track. I slacked off last year, and I can't afford to do it again this year.

But its not like I'm not enjoying myself, because I truly am. Even in the bad times, there comes good things. I made Swing Choir, which was a goal that I set for myself and achieved (and holy shit was I surprised), and I enjoy it. Student Council has become more of an open forum for us members to say what we think we should do, what our thoughts are, and that's great too. Sophomore Class Committee came in second in the Homecoming float parade, and I got to crown the Homecoming court. I mean, it may be little things, but its little things that remind me my life is okay. I can't say that I am 100% geuinely happy, but I'd give it a good 85% or so. There are things I want to change. First, my grades. Second, the way I've been acting lately (cause I really can't figure that one out) and third, the weather. But hey, I can only do so much. I'm looking at this year as sort of the Year of Opportunities (key theme music). 15 Minutes +, the possiblity of filming a movie in Ireland - all these things that I have to look forward to.

And yeah, last year was a big ol' hell full of friends who didn't give a shit about me and I didn't realize it until it was too late (i.e. I didn't realize it until this summer). Sure, I'm still polite and friendly, cause that's the person I am. But whatever our friendships were, we lost. Maybe, one day, we might get them back. I'm not going to hold my breath for it. I spent too many Friday and Saturday's, sitting around my house, waiting for the phone to ring, with one of my "best friends" asking me to go to a movie, or to come hang out, sleepover, whatever. Sometimes I wished they would have a horrible day, just so they'd call me for advice or an ear to listen. But they never did. I never realized it, and I still don't know the complete truth, but they lied to me left and right about almost everything. Sometimes I look at them and wonder how the hell we stopped being friends, and where the hell our friendships went. Other times I look at them, and then myself, and wonder if I was so damn blind that I saw nothing. It's not an either/or situation. I'm right in both aspects. I was lied to, but I was blind about everything. I heard about what my friends did over the weekend, because they'd either lie to me about it or just wouldn't tell me.

I meant this to be a long and meaningful post, and I got lazy. More later.

2 _ go blonde

Monday, July 28th, 2003 :: 1:03am

mood :: crushed

First things first -- My apologies to those of you who removed me from your friends list. I haven't had a lot of time to comment, and I've been going through some rough times. It was nice knowing you all. :]

Second things..uh..second -- I have lots of things to share, but I'm not in the state of mind to really be doing this, because I'm not levelheaded and I'm writing with anger and hurt feelings and I'll regret a lot of things I said. So, hopefully tomorrow I'll be a little more at ease and be able to spill.

That is all. Hope everyone had a nice weekend. ;]

5 _ go blonde

Thursday, July 17th, 2003 :: 2:36pm

mood :: bouncy

music :: wake me up before you go-go / wham!

( There's something about your first piece... )

I saw Kara and Katherine today! I haven't seen either of them in FOR EV ER. Still working on Kara's birthday present, though. It's coming out well. :) Kara invited me over her house, and I really want to go, because I haven't hung out with her in such a long time, so hopefully my dad will let me.

Anya Luisa. I like it Jamie, really I do!

Mmm..moose tracks.

4 _ go blonde

Very humorous stuff!
Friday, July 11th, 2003 :: 11:44am

mood :: crazy

music :: why georgia (live) / john mayer

( 100 ways to order pizza )

( 15 Things to do in Wal Mart )

HAHAHAHA funny stuff. Want to read more? Go to www.trashed-emotions.org, to the left of the page, and click on the link that says "You". Especially read the annoying people in elevators one.

That amused me for a while. While I wait to go out.

1 _ go blonde

Friday, July 11th, 2003 :: 9:48am

mood :: drained

music :: forever and for always / shania twain

Ugh, today is such a blah day to go walking around. I do hope we still go though, because I really don't want to wait around here until 4 this afternoon. That would mean I would have to do chores. I'm kicking myself for not showing last night and sleeping in today but, whatever, I'm up and very tired but..I survived the night! Mwhahaha.

I also talked to Jamieson last night, about why we weren't friends anymore. I guess it's mainly my fault, since I was afraid to talk to him about everything. I just didn't want to get the response I used to get last summer, after the whole "incident". But everything's cool now, so that made me happy.

I'm so exhausted..but I can't go back to bed, because I'll never wake up! GRRR.

Boston, here I come.

go blonde

Thursday, July 10th, 2003 :: 4:54pm

mood :: anxious

So..my weekend plan.

Tomorrow we're leaving early for Boston (we're going to walk around, and visit places and such) so I can't go to Laurens party (sorry Lauren! <33). I'm staying at my grandmothers the entire weekend, so the only way you'll be able to contact me is by calling my cell phone (or if you are special, you know my grandmothers number, and very few people do!). Saturday night he has a signing at B&N (which EVERYONE should go to and EVERYONE should buy his books because Chris rocks, thank you) and Sunday we're off to the beach! I'm really excited about tomorrow, because I get to hang out in Boston and I get to see Wendy. It's supposed to be rainy and low 70's though. Blech. Well, at least I get to wear pants. That's always a plus. <3 WATERPROOF MAKEUP!!

Thinking about Boston makes me miss Marathon Monday, and our art field trip. We went on this field trip at the beginning of the year to the arts section of Harvard (which isn't even near the campus) and saw a lot of clay..stuff. I bought chopstick holders for Stephanie (which I haven't sent to her, because, wow, oops I'm sooo damn lazy). Then we went to some gallery and looked at a bunch of cups and mugs that people did. They were really pretty but really fragile and it was scary because you didn't want to move around in the room. I was sort of scared of the ladies there. They take everything SO seriously. Their makeup is like painted on with a roller, and they dress all artsy with these big ceramic broochs and scarves and shoes and the think they are way better than kids from Haverhill High. Once we got out of that stuffy place, we could go wherever we wanted. We found a Subway and ate on a newspaper machine, and then sat in some park in front of a church while some of my friends went to Wendy's for more food. F.A.O Schwartz was the best though. We harassed the guy that worked there. He was making that Amazing Elastic Plastic stuff, and he made Katie B. a big hat and she wore it around the store but he wouldn't let her keep it, so we gave him hell for it. We got really bored with that, and we lost Becky, Kaitlyn and Dev, but I guess they went to some mall or something so we just walked around and around and around and then bought lots of candy and walked around some more. I remember I was SO thirsty. It was wicked hot on the bus, the kind of heat that makes you sick to your stomach, and me being the cool kid I am, wanted to dress all like fashionista-ish, so I was wearing cordoroys, and my oxfords, and this white striped shirt, and Kara's black peacoat and I was stifling. Plus, eating all that candy, I was dying for water. I spent at least five minutes at the bubbler when we got back to the school. It was a fun field trip though, even if it was really cold.

OH! And I miss my usual first weekend of summer vacations with Lisa, Kevin and Shannon. Last summer, Lisa took me to the MFA because I had never been, and we walked around for a LONG time, and then we got bored with it, so we took the T to downtown Boston, and walked around down there. The shops there are HUGE. Every year I keep saying I want to go school shopping there, but we never do. Erlack. Anyway, we went to their Barnes & Noble (I practically live there) which is 3 stories high and bought books, and then we ate lunch at this really old Italian place that's..I think the oldest Italian restaurant in downtown Boston. We walked around H&M for a while too, and laughed at this really big lady who was buying purple leopard print underwear (it was really funny, I mean, picture it. Just picture it!) and stopped and got Starbucks on the way back to the T. It was a really nice and relaxed day, where we could pretty much do anything and go anywhere since we weren't on a certain schedule to get back to her house. We had gone to the Museum of Science just a few days before, and then ended up at Harvard Square and ate dinner at this place called The Border and it was SOO good. We also walked around HMV for a while. I was kicking myself for not having money. Blech. I sniffed out a Ben & Jerry's (I'm so bad, really) and then we went back home. I miss those trips too. :(

I made three grilled cheese sandwhiches today. I was so proud of myself. OOH and a plus - I don't have to fertilize. YES! But I do have to babysit tonight. Which I really don't want to do, at all. I sort of just want to stay home and veg out, but I'll go because its money and its only a couple of hours. Plus, the kids go to bed sort of early anyway. I just hope the baby doesn't cry like he did last time I was there. The grandmother used to live in their basement and had to rock the baby to sleep and I felt so stupid because the mother told me just to let him cry and he'll go to sleep eventually. But, the grandmother doesn't live with them anymore, so I won't feel as stupid. Plus it will give me more spending money for this weekend. I know I'll probably end up buying more books this weekend (The Nanny Diaries, 4 Blondes, etc.) and you never know what stores we might end up in at Harvard Square. I saw some reeaallyy cute shoes at this one store and..well, I'm retarded, talking about spending my money like this. I NEED TO SAVE IT. I NEED TO SAVE IT FOR FLORIDA AND FLORIDA AND FLORIDA AND CALIFORNIA (three trips to Florida, one to california hopefully). WHY AM I SUCH A BAD SHOPAHOLIC?! Everytime I get money, I end up spending it, and really have no idea where it goes. Like Moonlight Rising, for example. I went with a good amount of money. I know I bought lunch, obviously, on the way there. And I bought Common Ro's cd, and a tshirt, and Ghosts of the Robot's cd, and two necklaces which were each $10 (not bad really), but then other than that..I can't think of a single thing I spent money on. And yet, I came home with like..$20! I was like "how the hell did I do that?". I didn't keep track of my spending money though. Oh well. THIS WEEKEND I WILL SAVE. IM GOING TO GO SAVE SOME RIGHT NOW. SAVE SAVE SAVE.

How much you wanna bet I don't save any of it?

go blonde

Wednesday, July 9th, 2003 :: 10:29pm

mood :: nostalgic

music :: forever and always / shania twain

Because I forgot to do this last week..

Report Card
4th Term Final Grade
English: B+ B+
History: C+ B-
Algebra: C C
Physics: B B
French: A- A-
Basic Art: N/A A
Theater: A A
Comp Tech: N/A A+
Wellness: A A

Teacher Comments
English: Effort is satisfactory -- now I disagree with this, because I made the same effort all year as I did, maybe even more so, in the fourth term. She's probably only saying this because she thinks I plagurized (more on that later)
History: Has creative ability / Class participation is good -- I agree with this, because I do excellent on my writing (go figure) and I argue with him. A lot.
Algebra: Is a pleasure to have in class -- She said this all year. I'm thinking that's the only good thing she can say about me, since my grades suck.
Physics: Is a pleasure to have in class -- This is probably only because I do what I'm told, I clean up after myself, and I don't get yelled at for talking..or at least not as much as other kids do. There really isn't space for being myself in that class.
French: Class participation is good / Is a pleasure to have in class -- I did some French club activities, tried to get her off topic about things, and brought in a French card game. In her class, she likes this stuff from students. Even if I can't speak any French whatsoever.
Theater: Classwork is good / Effort is good -- I really do love Mr. Gori. He's an awesome teacher. I didn't piss him off all semester, but I guess the only time he's given excellents was to one student because he or she never talked, did exactly what they were asked, etc. I happen to talk. Which is okay, because he likes talkative students. It's really not a bad thing.
Wellness: Class participation is good / Is a pleasure to have in class -- P.E. was kind of hard. Not in a "ew physical activity" way, but more in a "how do I figure out this teacher?" way. You know how sometimes you have those teachers that you know how to act around to get them to like you? My teacher was like that. I don't think she liked me very much because I was really loud and had fun in that class (i.e. we made fun of Craig..a lot), but it doesn't really matter because she gave me a good grade anyway. I participated every day (with the exception of my loss of gym clothes one day, and me being absent three other days) and I didn't whine a lot.

So about the plagurism thing (excuse me while I misspell that word continuously). Like..two weeks before I went to Moonlight Rising, we had to pass in a character analysis on a character from Romeo and Juliet. We had to write a two page analysis on two of the characters traits and how it affected the story, or something like that. It's not rocket science. So I picked practically the easiest character -- Romeo. If you've read the story, he's probably the easiest to understand since he's an idiot, he wears his heart on his sleeve, he jumps to conclusions, etc. I had one trait done, and I was pretty sure about my second one, but not completely, so I asked someone else in my class which trait they used and they told me. I felt comfortable knowing I wasn't the only one using that trait, so I wrote my paper and passed it in. She didn't pass them back until the day I was at Moonlight Rising, so I obviously wasn't in class when she gave everyone the "speech" about plagurizing. Supposedly, she caught a bunch of students plagurizing by using SparkNotes' character analysis' and gave them all F's. I was told that because the student I consulted used SparkNotes, I got an F as well. She never handed the paper back to me, and I never said anything about it, because another student challenged her accusation and she still wouldn't drop the grade. This is the thing that bugged the hell out of me about it though. I obviously know I didn't plagurize. Romeo is the easiest character, and going back to the SparkNotes analysis, it was just like everyone else's (that used Romeo). His traits are obvious. It's not like you have to dig deep into his soul or something to find them. Plus, its only plagurizing if you copy pretty much the whole thing, in a general sense. And she never said we COULDN'T use it. So she's contradicting herself. Or something. Ugh. Thank God I don't have her next year. I wouldn't be able to handle it.

So I was at the Golden's again today. Lily is so adorable. She's the cutest thing ever. She can almost walk too! I talked to Chris about this up-coming weekend, in which Allie is coming. I really, really want to hang out with them. Friday night he and Tom have a signing in Cambridge, and then there's a big dinner after, and I was invited to join (and begged to by Wendy! <3 ), and then Saturday night he and Tom have a signing in Salem (ahh memories..), and then Sunday the whole Golden clan with Allie in tow is going to the beach and I'm invited to it all! And I reeeaaaallllyyy want to go. Haha, I was just talking to Tony, and it reminded me of how much Chris and I fought at Moonlight Rising. He is a really big goofball, and he likes to kid around a lot. One day we were carrying luggage to Wendy's room, and he pushed me into the wall, so I pushed him back, and he shoved me into a door, so I shoved him into the doorway, and Wendy yelled at us for fighting like little kids. Then another time we were walking, and we started kicking each other, and he put me in a headlock. Oh, but the most priceless was during his second Q&A, and I said something to him, and he goes "Hey, shut up, you're JAILBAIT!" in front of ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE. I'm officially known as Jailbait now. I've decided not to deny it any longer. He's like a best friend, and was also like Big Papa Bear that weekend. Especially when he caught a certain someone "checking me out" and it took him a lot not to go "DUDE, SHES FIFTEEN!". Such great memories. Best weekend of my life.

Oh wait, one more thing; during the auction on Sunday, Jim Leary and Chris were auctioning off a signed copy of Willow & Tara; Wilderness, and this is a direct quote from James -
"Hot lesbian sex! Hot lesbian sex! In the wilderness! I don't know what kind of images you get, but I know that makes me quite happy!"
ROTFLMAO. You had to be there. Or understand Willow and Tara, I guess.

go blonde

PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES!
Wednesday, July 9th, 2003 :: 7:08pm

mood :: anxious

music :: i believe / blessid union of souls

Finally! The complete MR photo album! (which isn't a lot, so don't be too dissapointed). We were having too much fun to take lots of pictures, plus Wendy and Chris would always forget their cameras, so we only too the pictures that we really wanted. Enjoy!

Adam Busch <33 Warren on Buffy and lead singer of the best band, Common Rotation!
Amber Benson who played Tara on Buffy..unbelievable actress/producer/director/writer - her movie Chance is awesome! www.chancemovie.com
Anthony Stewart Head who played Giles - in the VIP room, I got to hear him sing one of his songs, and it was so beautiful
Me with Common Rotation! - from left, Adam, Rick, Eric, Mike, and Ken <333333
Wendy, James C. Leary (Clem), me and his wife Stacie! They're such sweet people!
Me, James Marsters and Wendy
Me, James Marsters and Wendy again
and one more time, for his hottness..

Adam is great. He's an absolute amazing performer, and such a goofball, and such a sweet guy. He's is like..the ultimate guy. He's so adorable. <333 For those of you who don't watch Buffy, you might remember him as Noah, Shelby Woo's best friend on "The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo". Amber is SUCH a sweetheart. She's so down to earth, and so funny. Tony Head is a really nice guy. He's very..British. Common Rotation..what can I not say about them? Eric is a genius lyricist, and very hot. His arms are like...massive. They're the best band ever - go to their site and listen now! www.commonrotation.com James Leary and Stacie are such nice and sweet people. I talked with Stacie a lot and it was really great. She's so sweet. James is extremely funny, as well. He and Chris did a charity auction on that Sunday and everyone was roaring with laughter. A 10-second squeeze of Tony Head's ass when for $4,000. James Marsters is SO hot, even more so in person. When you talk to him, he's so focused on the conversation that its like you're the only person in the room. He smells reeaaallyyy good too, and his eyes make you melt. However, I love Adam more, so ha.

2 _ go blonde

Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003 :: 11:12am

( so tragic... )

I knew I'd always die in love...*sigh*

3 _ go blonde

Monday, June 30th, 2003 :: 10:33pm

mood :: determined

music :: addicted / simple plan<3

( more boredomness! )

So I talked to him tonight. He really likes me and wants to go out with me, but he can't because of the current situation he's in. I wish I could tell you what it is, but trust me when I say that I understand why he can't and you would too if you knew. I told him I would wait. I mean seriously, I'm not gonna get any better guy anytime soon.

I got the magic stick, I know if I can hit once, I can hit twice...what is it about this song that gets it stuck in my head?! I don't even like it all that much!

I don't have to mothers help until Wednesday, and that means I get to go to BSC which passes the time really quickly. I'm hoping its really hot Wednesday.

You know what I realized? Jewel's songs get REALLY annoying REALLY fast. Think about it. That song "Hands". And "Standing Still". And now "Intution". She's got the weirdest voice. Thinking about it right now, I don't think she would've made it through American Idol.

3 _ go blonde

Monday, June 30th, 2003 :: 3:50pm

mood :: bored

music :: marry me / amanda marshall

( this is what happens when ashleigh is bored.. )

go blonde

Monday, June 30th, 2003 :: 12:06pm

mood :: annoyed

music :: double agent / amanda marshall

( this amused me for a few minutes )

So, I'm in an okay mood right now. Meg told me she felt the exact same way, which is a big relief. A really big relief actually. I guess my summer will be okay after all.

I don't have to work today (yay!) but I'm watching my sister. I have to mothers help tomorrow and Wednesday, and then Wednesday night I go to camp. I'm excited about this weekend, but I hope it doesn't suck because of my report card which supposedly is being sent out today. Dumb HHS. Sending report cards before a big weekend like this. Its like they want us to live in hell. A no-going-to-OOB Hell.

go blonde

There will be mushiness, guaranteed..
Monday, June 30th, 2003 :: 1:01am

mood :: rejected

music :: walking in memphis / some guy..?

Weekend at the camp. We ate dinner at my aunts Friday night, and then hung out at the camper playing rummy till 12:30. Saturday we rode down to fill the tires up with air since they haven't been filled in a year, and yes, we filled all four bikes and gave them a little WD-40 as well since they were practically rusted together and the gear shifting wasn't working all that well, and then we went to the beach. It took us a while to find the sand bar, but because they've had so much rain lately, the water at the sand bar was up to our waists. Last year it barely passed our ankles out there, but then again, that was in August. Dave didn't show up Saturday. Rrr. They had a DJ up at the Candy Store, so Tim, Eric and I went up and laughed at some kid that fell over doing the chicken dance. He left, and we went to shoot hoops with Kenny for a while. Then these little kids, who were playing football in the field, come over and start harassing us. I'm talking these kids were maybe 9 years old tops (although one really bratty one said he was 12, which I doubt) and started calling us names and pushing us around. One kid kept grabbing me and pushing me, and it was getting to the point where I was ready to flip. Normally I like little kids but this is the future of America? I'm scared for our future. Then the big(ger) kid poured sand down my shirt, which got caught all in my bra and my underwear. We ended up leaving the court because of those little brats, and I went back and got all the sand off. Tim and I went up to Patti and Artie's site, where my parental unit was. They made me do the electric slide and the macarena in front of them by myself. I felt like such an idiot doing it alone though. Mark started a fire down at the pit so we went and hung out, and I talked to Jessica about Spencer and his girlfriend, Brittni. We have some very, uh, interesting conversations, to say the least. Today played more rummy, and went down to the basketball hoops and shot some. I got burned too. I definitely wasn't out in the sun that long. We went back to the site and I ate, and then Eric went to OOB so Tim and I just hung out for a while. Then we went and played wiffle ball with Spencer, Phil, Brian, Kyle and Phil's little bro, Chris. First it was me, Tim and Brian against Kyle, Phil and Chris and we were kicking ass. Then we got bored and went back to my site and played Bullshit, and then packed and left. It was a pretty fun weekend, I have to say.

Wednesday night we're going up, and Friday night we're going to the Seadogs game. This coming weekend should be good. I think I'm going to go buy those Woodstock shorts. They're these red shorts that have Woodstock on them, and yes, they're booty shorts, but they're so comfortable. PJS'!!!

I really really really want to go to the beach with Jamie and Lauren. Like...really really really badly. And you may think I'm saying this because they read this and you may think I'm trying to suck up, but I'm not. I just really want to go. See, everyone may think that I'm going to spend my non-camp days stuck inside babysitting, but I refuse. I won't. I can't. I'll wither away and die, or, at least, my social life will. Because this is the thing. With some of my "friends", if you don't call, or hang out with them constantly, your friendship as you know it is something completely forgotten. I won't let that happen with Lauren and Jamie. You have to understand that I have very few friends in my life that actually seem to like me. Sure, most of my friends must like me, otherwise they wouldn't talk to me right? But this is the thing. I miss the exclamations of love. I guess this is my point. With some (most) of my friends, I don't feel wanted/loved anymore. I kid you not. I know that if I ever have any big problems, they'll want to be there to solve them and listen, but right now, they don't even want to spend time with me. They don't bother calling anymore, they never talk to me online..sometimes I wonder who my real friends are now. Its just hard for me to fathom the fact that I feel like I'm best friends with Jamie and Lauren and Aimee, whom I've only known for a few months, and that I'm like accquaintences with girls I've been best friends with since the 6th grade. Isn't there something strange about that? Don't get me wrong - I love the fact that I can tell Lauren and Jamie and Aimee anything, and I love how we're great friends, but I guess it still kind of hurts that my other best friends don't see me the same way anymore. The longer time goes by, the longer and harder it gets to come up with conversation. But then there are people like Kaitlyn, who I can just pick up our friendship again like there was never that period of time where we didn't talk. This makes me really wonder about what best friend means. I look at my wall, and see this poster my so called "best friends" ; Kara, Meg, Krys and Katie, made on my birthday weekend of 8th grade year. It says stuff like "Love ya lots forever!" (Meg) and "Love ya so much!" (Krystal), and thinking now, it makes me want to cry. These are girls that, last year, I couldn't live without talking to almost every day or night. They were the girls I could run to about anything and everything. Now, with the exception of Kara, I can't even think of how to begin a conversation with them. I don't want to lose their friendships, because while I had them, they meant so much to me. I know that we all go through and have gone through a lot of emotional problems this year, and espeically this winter, it seemed like I had no one to run to except Kara and Tony. They stuck by me. This time a year ago I was hanging out with them, laughing, having great times. Now I wonder that if we hung out, would we still find the same things funny? Would they still find me funny? Or would they just make fun of me instead? Then I think about my new friendships with Jamie and Lauren and Aimee. These girls are complete angels to me. Honestly, I don't know how I would've gotten through the past few months without them around. They didn't have to be my friend, they didn't have to talk to me, and they did. And I'm so thankful for that. I don't think they know how much they mean to me now. Its definitely been the wrong year to lose friends. With the whole Tim thing, and then the Cliff thing..those three were there for me through that. Laura, who out of nowhere befriended me, has definitely been there for me as well. I don't know if I could've gone through each day without seeing Laura or Aimee and talking to them. This makes me so upset, because I know I'm slowly losing these so-called "friendships" I used to have with these girls, and I don't want to. In fact, I hate it. I spent my winter in denial about the whole thing, staying home constantly. My only real contact with people was in school or online. I didn't help the situation either. They invited me to hockey games, basketball games, you name it, someone asked me to go. But the only one that would make the effort was Kara. They'd all say "You should go" and I'd say "Call me with plans" and they wouldn't. I felt like no one really wanted me around at that point. I couldn't figure out why. I don't think I'm a bad person to be around, but maybe I was too selfish. Maybe I should've given more, and then I would've recieved. I can't change the past now, but it just kills me to know that tomorrow, my "best friends" will probably be hanging out together, with one less person. Me. So now you see why I want to go to the beach with Lauren and Jamie. Its not that I'm using them -- I would never do that -- but because I know that they aren't just going to drop me like an old hat. Maybe I value my friendships with them so much that that's why I want to make the effort to hang out with them all the time. Maybe that means that I don't value my friendships with the others, because I don't make the effort and I just let it slide away, hoping that maybe if I ignore it, it'll go away faster.

One last effort. I'm going to email Meg right now, and tell her exactly how I'm feeling. Maybe she'll understand. Maybe she won't. If she doesn't, I'll know exactly how I'll stand with them, and maybe then I'll finally be able to move on. I guess I'll end this on a positive note -- if they don't want to be friends with me, its their loss. I'm going to the beach with Lauren and Jamie, and I'm going to play DDR and my feet are going to bleed and WE'RE going to laugh our asses off and check out boys. And you know what? I can't wait.

3 _ go blonde

Friday, June 27th, 2003 :: 2:40pm

mood :: hot

music :: my friends over you / new found glory

Everyone go look at Lauren's layout! Yay. I feel special that I made it and that she likes it.

Anyways, so I call my mom to ask her what time she's coming home to let Tim know what time we would be picking him up. She asks me for our physicians number, and I'm like "why?". She explained that my sister and my aunt were swimming on the main beach side of the lake at our campground when my sister stepped on a fish hook and got it through her foot so my dad's taking her to the hospital. This is what the lake is like. When you first drive in, there's a strip of beach where the public can go and swim, hang out, etc. If you camp at the campground, you can swim on the beach that wraps around the side of the campers. That's where we usually swim, but because its just getting warm up there, the water is kind of gross on that end and the public beach is (a little bit) cleaner, with little or no algae. I happen to like swimming on the main beach area better, but we do swim at the campers end only because there are less people. I told Tim this and he got all scared and doesn't want to go swimming now.

Okay, seriously, what the hell. Why are all the solicitors calling ALL THE TIME now? I get at least 5-10 soliciation calls a day for my parents, and it pisses me off. I don't even answer anymore. If I can't read the number on the caller ID, I don't pick up. End of story. It's just REALLY REALLY annoying, thats all.

I guess I'm rambling now. I'm such an update whore.

3 _ go blonde

Friday, June 27th, 2003 :: 11:30am

mood :: bouncy

music :: but its alright / huey lewis & the news

This is really interesting because I've always been afraid of dying in a car accident..
Happy Deathday!
Your name: icebergh
You will die on: Friday, April 19, 2024
You will die of: Car Accident

Username:

Created by Quill

Tim's going to come up with me this weekend. I'm not sure what time my mom's coming home, though, so I have no idea what time we're leaving. I still have to pack and everything. I'm actually not as hot as I was yesterday, because my parents have fans hooked up in the windows trying to blow all the hot air out. It's going to be nice in Maine, though, cuz I can go swimming all the time. Countdown: 12 hours and 30 minutes until the day CSG shows up! I'm just going to have to nonchanlantly go for a walk with Eric and Tim tomorrow night.

I'm going to try and make grilled cheese. This should be interesting.

7 _ go blonde

Friday, June 27th, 2003 :: 9:13am

mood :: creative

music :: uptown girl / billy joel

Currently working on Lauren's layout that I always forget to do (eep!), and also Sarah's picture that I promised her. Since I'm home alone today, I have nothing better to do except pack and this will give me the opportunity to get a lot done, so, yay!

I wanted to sleep in today, but I couldn't, for some weird reason. I think that the fact that I haven't been able to sleep in since school ended has finally won me over. Or maybe its the heat. I'm not really sure.

Okay, off to do layouts and things!

2 _ go blonde

Thursday, June 26th, 2003 :: 11:13pm

mood :: drained

music :: i will remember you / sarah mclachlan

Into the Woods was absolutely unbelieveable. I am so proud of them all. During the finale, they sing this song that I had to sing for my audition, and it made me remember how nervous I was those two nights. It was constantly killing me, and of course, like every play I go to that my friends are in, I get a little jealous that I can't be a part of the fun. But this time, it was a different kind of jealousy, like a happy jealousy. Of course I wanted to be in it, but it was awesome because I wasn't, and that's awesome. And, of course, this time I actually auditioned for something, so I was okay with it.

Guy did really well, although it took a lot for Easo, Kristen and I to stop from laughing. Kristen and I were talking about Guy's "affair" with the Baker's wife, and we couldn't stop laughing every time he kissed her. Not that we were laughing at him, but we were laughing at the situation, because his girlfriend was sitting right next to us. Jamie was so o o o funny! I really loved her as Jack's mother. She's so..Jamie. She's such an unbelieveable actress too. I want to be the next Jamie! Shannon cracked me up too! I made sure I did my fake snort for her, even if she couldn't hear it. She's got such a beautiful voice. Lisa, oh god, Lisa..so so Lisa. She was definitely perfect for the stepsister. Her movements, her s..of course she's a great actress, but I gotta say, you can see a lot of her in that role.

And finally, last but not least, Tony. I was so close to crying during his solo at the end. It was ruined, though. Someone near the back was laughing during his solo. I don't know if they were laughing at him, or really what they were laughing at, but it was very rude. I can't believe someone would do that during someone's solo, and be that loud about it. Seriously, people like that have no manners. I hope they embarassed themselves because a lot of people were complaining about it. But anyways, back to his solo. Besides the annoying laughter in the background, it was beautiful. I was so proud of him. He's so awesome.

I got to see Aimee and Denise too! I was super psyched to see them, since I haven't since the last day of school. I told them all about the date, and how he couldn't come tonight. After the musical, I saw Jamie and she was like "WHERE IS HE?!" and I was like "um..he couldn't come" but then I told her who it was and she went "Oh..OOOHHH". The three of them (Aimee, Denise and Jamie) seemed very happy for me that I seemed to have found a good guy. And also threatened to be extremely angry if he isn't a good guy to me. Which is very funny. But in any case, I think Aimee is going to come with me to see Common Ro in July, and we are all going to go to the beach at some point this summer. I dragged them all over to meet my mom so she would know who they were when 'referenced them'.

Camp tomorrow. I think Tim might be coming with me. It'd be nice to have some company up there, even though I dearly love Eric and Spencer. But they aren't constantly around, and it gets kind of boring. It'll be better when Dave comes this weekend, though, cuz he's there all summer and only works mornings. Le sigh. Jamie, Lauren, you two need to come up sometime!

Edit: I met Andrew, the glorious Andrew that once graced HHS hallways, tonight, and didn't even know it. I feel like such an idiot now.

4 _ go blonde

Just thought this was kinda funny...
Thursday, June 26th, 2003 :: 5:36pm

mood :: silly

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go blonde

Thursday, June 26th, 2003 :: 3:49pm

mood :: hot

music :: stayin' alive / bee gees

This has been quite possibly one of the worst days of my summer. Here are the few reasons why (and yes, I don't care if you think I'm whiney, I'll whine all I want to.)
- No AC (while its 94 degrees out throughout my entire house)
- Too hot to eat anything that isn't freezing cold
- Got into a big fight with my dad
- I'm going to ITW alone tonight (which normally I wouldn't mind, but I miss ~~his lips~~ being with him)

I'm kind of dissapointed he can't come, but its okay, really, because we're going to hang out next week. I've only kissed a few guys, but he his definitely the best I've kissed so far.

uh uh uh uh staying alive, staying alive...uh uh uh uh staying alive, staying alive

go blonde

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