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Autumn In New York |
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[yesterday's news.]
[rg- so you think im too old for you?]
[wr- no, no not at all. i collect antiques, or atleast, aspire to.]
[anyways, my day was well, it had its good times, but im still in a shitty mood from a bunch of other crap. sorry if i've neglected this journal, its just, i wanted to write happy things in this one and keep all the crap in my blurty, but well A) nothing is happy and B) my blurty is down at the moment.]
[how much does it take for someone to hate themselves? i think i've went past that marker three times now... i mean, i feel like everyday that goes by that i hate myself more for what im doing to myself? its not like im suicidal or anything, though i have been there before, but its like... well, look at it this way. im a 'needy' person? i mean, i can't be alone because it drives me nuts. my first true love died 5 years ago in a hospital bed while i was asleep in the waiting room. i never even got to say goodbye, because there wasn't supposed to be a goodbye. doc said she'd be goin home the next day. but things happen. either way, that tore me apart because i never got to tell her how much i loved her...]
[the second time was having to deal with a drawn out struggle between your splitting parents. now this started a year before angel died, and ended two years after. my dad cheated, but would come back and my mom would take him back, and i didnt know at first what was goin on but i covered for him a few times -hell i thought he was out with his friends and he forgot to do somethin at home so of course i covered for him- but either way, when i cracked his passwords on the comp and read his emails and everything else i saw the truth and i took my mom's side. there were heated arguments all the time, and the first time i ever was violent in my life was when my dad grabbed my mom by the shoulder and i socked him in the face.]
[a year before the divorce was final i was so sick of the fighting, so sick of the lies, and broken promises, angel was dead and i was becoming more and more angrier, thinking the whole thing was my fault and stuff, because my dad never took care of me really, it was always my mom and i thought by coming into the marriage i ruined it for him or something. either way, in california, 8th grade, 9 different times, i attempted suicide. once i went brain dead for a minute and a few seconds in the hospital bed because i lost so much blood. from wrist to elbow i cut my arms open. once i tried slitting my throat and i got caught and only put a small scar on it, which well unless you look close, you cant see it. hence me always having facial hair. there were many other things i tried but for some reason something stopped me, either someone found me afterwards or caught me by accident beforehand.]
[well either way, safe to say i became very distant with each coming year. i started to gain weight, rapidly. in 8th grade i was 5'6, and 110 pounds, and by 9th grade i was 5'61/2 and 205 pounds. in one year i almost doubled in size. i gained about 30 more in tenth grade because i had low self esteem and couldnt stop eating and things, i didnt have many friends, and the friends i did have we did simple things like video games, movies at home or at the theater, concerts, and just sitting around. last year, i did the atkins thing, and went from 258 to 197, which was really good, took me 10 weeks. then of course i was goin to germany and didnt want to do atkins there -all the good foreign food i dont get in america, you cant skip out on it- and so when i got back on the 7th i was back at 223. now, since i haven't really done shit about it except i go running sometimes, and play some basketball by myself, i am at 228. i feel fuckin fat, i', only 5'8 now, and so thats real bad, and i fuckin hate the way i look, even if i was back to like 150 or what not, i would still think im ugly because its so buried in my mind. im not shallow myself, i don't go for looks in other people or anything, but its like, i have this thing where i think even if the woman isnt shallow, she still wants a good looking man and i dont fit those qualifications so of course im no good to anyone.]
[one girl, according to a friend of hers, thought i was creepy or something. i'll call her C.D. according to her friend, C.D. thought it was creepy that i walked her home sometime because she was on the same bus route as i was. I guess it was also creepy that i sometimes walked with her to work but whatever, i thought it was all good. i thought we were friends. according to her a few days ago, it sounded more like 'when were we ever friends?' and you can't believe how much it hurt. its not like i demanded to go with her or anything, i always asked, 'hey want me to walk with you or something' and if she said no, then i made sure, and if its still no i said ok and that was the end of it. but whatever, if she hates me or not, thats fine, if we weren't really ever friends, then why am i feeling so left behind or so?]
[anyhow, i'm so tired of myself though. i can bitch endlessly and nothing ever changes... well it does, but not for the better. i keep digging myself into deeper into my own hole and its my fault, and whatever may have affected me in the past there is no point in blaming it and all this post has been is a long babble of how sorry i feel for myself. i dunno what to do. i still give thought to the suicide thing, but its not an option, only a selfish choice. its just, i dont want to be so alone anymore. i just want to feel loved or wanted, like somebody out there wants to be my friend, instead of just being my friend because i have cool stuff and money. you know?]
[i dunno, i just hope there arent too many people out there like me, i hope everyone out there can lead much happier lives.]
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awake
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