no, this is not sarah's Day

Tuesday, April 6, 2004

1:40PM - *Some day we will look back on all this and plow into a parked car.*

People suck.

Myself included.

It's so fucking lame the way all of us are acting. I feel like shit because of it too. Like, can't we all just look at how we are acting and see how fucking pathetic we are being. How petty and fucked up?

Like I said, people suck. And trust me, I know that I'm included in that. I'm probably the only one that can look at my actions and know that it's sucky and pathetic. I was trying so hard to be the mature one. I just couldn't deal with it anymore and instead of like saying something I just started acting the same damn way. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. That's exactly what I DIDN'T want to happen. But, I guess I'm just being lame.

It hurts though. It hurts for someone to imply that you are a bad friend and to say that they don't have any real friends in Philly. That all their real friends are in Pittsburgh. When I know in my heart that I tried so hard to be there for you and you only shut me out. Hell yeah, you probably do have better friends in Pittsburgh because they can actually help you because you actually tell them what's wrong. But never did I try to ignore you the way you have been and never did I try to purposefully be a bitch to you. But you fucking hurt me, saying shit about how you don't have real friends here. You hurt me and jamies both....and steph. Do you care? Probably not. I don't think you even believe that you were in the wrong saying that shit. But you know what? It's real funny that now you are super pissed off. You got what you said you already had....NO FRIENDS in Philly. Can you deal with that? We were close all year. You practically lived here. Do you forget that?

Don't try and make yourself the victim here. You brought this on yourself. I can't believe that you expect us to kiss you ass after the way you acted and after how you treated us. I could have dealed with you not telling me what is going on and why you are so upset with everything. But I'm not going to kiss your ass while you say how none of us are your real friends. How can you say that? What the fuck did we ever do to you for you to feel that way. If we did something just fucking come out and say it. Don't cop out and hide saying we aren't real friends. Maybe you can't deal with the fact that we won't put up with your shit anymore. I'm not going to sit around and cater to you and try to make you feel better when you don't even consider me a real friend. I'm not playing those games. I didn't put up with that shit when I was in high school, I'm not about to start now that I am fucking 20 years old. I'm over the constant drama. I can't help you if you don't let me and I don't want to help you anymore. You don't consider me a real friend? Whatever. Don't expect me to kiss your ass and come crying to you. You hurt me. And I don't think you really care. That's kind of pathetic.

I care that what I said bothered you. I care that I wasn't more mature about things and that I resorted to playing your games. I'm done with that shit. I'm just going to enjoy the last few weeks of school here with my friends and then I'm going to go home for the summer and enjoy those months with my friends there and then I'm going to go to Cal U of PA and make friends and enjoy my time there and stay in touch with my friends from both home and Philly and enjoy the rest of my life knowing that all of them matter to me in very different ways. But I'll love them all. And I won't ever treat anyone the way you treated me and Jamies and I will never act the way I acted the other day. I will talk to my friends when I have problems and I will talk to their faces. I won't attack them over AIM like you did.

Steph wants to have an intervention. She didn't really get that much of anything out of this pseudo-fight. Like you didn't really attack her, thankfully, because she did even less than me or Jamies. She wants to try and make everything okay. If she makes the effort to get all of us in the same place and talking about things, then I will be there and try to work it out. But I'm not going to be the one to iniciate it. Fuck that. I mean, that's a bad mentality to have, but I'm not kissing your ass. I already said that. I'm not going to let you walk all over me and treat me like an asshole and then try to fix it and make things "all better." I can't deal with that. People need to take responsiblity for their actions. Maybe that means I should step up. In fact, if I want to be the bigger person I need to step up. But, I don't know if it's worth it. Is it?

Alright so I'm going to set some guidelines up for growing the fuck up and getting over the petty high school drama that I just can't get away from. Feel free to comment and add on the the existing rules.

1. Get over feeling like you are better than a specific person or everyone in general. No one is really that cool, so stop thinking that you are better or more important. Chances are you are just insecure about things and putting other people down makes you feel better. That's real lame.

2. Make your friends based on personality and content of their character not on paychecks and content of their wallets and/or wardrobes. Don't be friends with someone simply because they can give you more than someone else, materialistically. A true friend can give you more than just money and bullshit things that really don't mean anything in the long wrong.

3. If you have a problem or they do something that bothers you call them on it. Tell them to their face. This does not include attacking them and making them feel like shit. We all have little things we do that irritate our friends. True friends accept that and know that these little things make you unique.

4. Listen to your friends and don't ever make them feel like they don't matter. If something is bothering them, they most likely have a legitamate reason for being upset. And in the case that you know they are out of line, listen to them anyway. And tell them how you feel. Don't have onesided conversations, that gets you nowhere.

5. Don't talk shit on one friend to another friend. Eventually it will get back to them. And if you do talk shit on them, don't be surprized when they confront you and punch you in your face because you acted like a fucking bitch.

6. Don't play the victim. Most likely both sides are to blame. Don't delude yourself into thinking you are never in the wrong. That irrates people and is inappropriate. And even if you aren't in the wrong, don't go into the situation thinking that makes you better than someone. You always need to hear the other side of the story.

7. Open up to your friends, especially if you are feeling shitty and acting in a way that conveys that feeling. And if you don't want to tell your friends what is wrong don't mope around acting like life is so hard. Hell yeah it's hard. That's life. But your friends are there to help you and make it better, if you let them. Understand that very few people can read your mind and you shouldn't expect them too.

8. Have conversations, not arguements. You accomplish very little when you attack someone and that gets them on edge and makes them not want to open up. It's easier to fix things if you know what's going on.

9. Don't act like a whore and try to have sex with all your friends' guy friends. If you like one of them, base it on something more than a physical attraction. Think about it a lot before you try to date them too. Girls are very protective of their guy friends and if you fuck the guy over or hurt them, that's going to come back on your friendship. This also applies to brothers, cousins, ex-boyfriends, crushes, etc. How would you feel if it was the other way around? If it's not worth losing a friend over, and it never should be, then just stay away and don't fuck with it.

10. Realize that you are grown up and more mature than you were in middle school. So all those little games you played then, need to end. Today. Right now. So fucking stop it already. Personally I'm really embarrassed that I ever acted the way I did when I was in middle school. You can't change the past, but just understand that those types of actions have no place in the real world.

11. Don't treat your friends like shit. I mean, I shouldn't have to feel the need to write this one, but sometimes people forget that friends are people you like to be around, not people that make you feel better about yourself.

12. If someone tells you something in confidence don't go blabbing it to everyone and anyone that will listen. That one doesn't need any futher explantion than that. Just don't do it.

If you want to neglect these basic ideas and treat people like shit, don't expect them to kiss your ass and act like everything is peachy keen. Most likely they are going to get sick of putting up with the bullshit and tell you to fuck off. It's usually around this time that you realize how good of friends you were and it's hard to fix that. It will always be weird.

Also, if you have a bad friend or they are just bringing the constant drama and you don't want to confront them then stop hanging out with them. You gain nothing from hanging on to a friendship that makes you miserable. If you want to make it work, confront them. Don't think that one day they are going to wake up and think "Wow, there are times I suck as a friend, maybe I should change." If you expect change speak up.

While punching someone in the face is usually a good solution because it brings them down a few levels and makes them realize they aren't the most important thing in the world, this approach is usually a bad idea. It generally leads to worse consequences, such as possible jail time and assault charges. Sometimes, when all else fails, physically knocking some sense into someone is the only alternative. But practice discretion when employing this tactic. I am in no way condoning physical violence against another person.

Alright, well after writing all that. I want Steph's intervention idea to happen. At least that way, all parties involved can feel like we at least gave it a try. And I can stop feeling so petty. Like I said, I'm taking my blame. Can you guys do that too? I guess we will have to see.

Yeah, we'll just have to see.

Current mood: okay
Current music: Take It Or Leave It-The Strokes
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