no, this is not sarah's Journal

Monday, May 3, 2004

3:39PM

SKA is DEAD TOUR last night!!!

Ska's not dead, it's just best left underground.~Keith

The show kicked so much ass. Seriously. Like hardcore I could hardly walk this morning, I feel like my hip is dislocated and I am covered in bruises. But it was FUCKIN AMAZING!!!! I love the Planet Smashers...they played Pee in the Elevator...good ass song. Oh and Mustard Plug is really cool, I need to find some of their cd's. And the Suicide Machines were pretty good too.....all in all it was just a fabulous time. Ska is so much fun. We skanked (ska dance for those that don't know) all night, that's why I can hardly walk. We left before Catch 22 finished though because we were so super tired and couldn't take the incredible heat anymore. We always leave when Catch 22 is playing. Anyway, the show kicked ass. Ska boys are so adorable, you just can't fuck with well dressed guys, especially loving those hats. :D

I went to admissions today. All I have to do to come back to Philly U is fill out this form. And as long as my GPA was above a 2.0 and I don't owe them money I can come back. So, I think I'm home free. I ran into my roomie from last year. I miss her, she's cool.

Still trying to get a job for the summer and fall semester. Hopefully something comes up.

I HAVE DREADS!!!!! I'm a little rasta kid now. They are cool. It's like having fat hair. I really like it. And for those of you that think dreads are gross and dirty, I will have you know that we do wash them, in fact that makes them tighter. What can I say...I FUCKIN love them!!!! So does everyone else, and if you don't like them just deal with it. They are in for good, till I cut them out, and umm I didn't sit for 4 hours just to cut them out.

Current mood: bouncy
Current music: Buffalo Soldier-Bob Marley (He's the fuckin shit man!)
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3:39PM

SKA is DEAD TOUR last night!!!

Ska's not dead, it's just best left underground.~Keith

The show kicked so much ass. Seriously. Like hardcore I could hardly walk this morning, I feel like my hip is dislocated and I am covered in bruises. But it was FUCKIN AMAZING!!!! I love the Planet Smashers...they played Pee in the Elevator...good ass song. Oh and Mustard Plug is really cool, I need to find some of their cd's. And the Suicide Machines were pretty good too.....all in all it was just a fabulous time. Ska is so much fun. We skanked (ska dance for those that don't know) all night, that's why I can hardly walk. We left before Catch 22 finished though because we were so super tired and couldn't take the incredible heat anymore. We always leave when Catch 22 is playing. Anyway, the show kicked ass. Ska boys are so adorable, you just can't fuck with well dressed guys, especially loving those hats. :D

I went to admissions today. All I have to do to come back to Philly U is fill out this form. And as long as my GPA was above a 2.0 and I don't owe them money I can come back. So, I think I'm home free. I ran into my roomie from last year. I miss her, she's cool.

Still trying to get a job for the summer and fall semester. Hopefully something comes up.

I HAVE DREADS!!!!! I'm a little rasta kid now. They are cool. It's like having fat hair. I really like it. And for those of you that think dreads are gross and dirty, I will have you know that we do wash them, in fact that makes them tighter. What can I say...I FUCKIN love them!!!! So does everyone else, and if you don't like them just deal with it. They are in for good, till I cut them out, and umm I didn't sit for 4 hours just to cut them out.

Current mood: bouncy
Current music: Buffalo Soldier-Bob Marley (He's the fuckin shit man!)
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Thursday, April 29, 2004

11:05AM - "Find nothing, but faith in nothing...."

"We all hate it, that's because we have other classes. But when we aren't doing it, we miss it. That's why we're in school for design."-Dana-P on the love/hate relationship well all have with design.

I'm in such a good mood. I just got off the phone with my mom. She's not mad at me with my latest plan, which is really cool because I really thought she would want to strangle me. She was even alright with me taking a semester off to work and make some money. She was definately okay with me wanting to live on campus. When I think that I almost left everything behind to go somewhere that I know no one, I just can't believe it. Seriously, I owe it all to Stee and Dana-P. Sometimes you just need people to tell you to just stick with it. That and to have someone tell you they don't really want you to leave. My friends kick so much ass. Thanks girls! I will never forget last night.

This decision has to be the last one involving school and majors. I'm in it for the long run now. And honestly, I'm really okay with that. I feel like it's the right thing. :)

I filled out an application for the Harrisburg Civil Services. I called my mom to ask her a question about it and she was so surprized and happy that I was doing it. I was so responsible....it's about time, seeing as how I'm 20 years old. :p

Steph and I are going to the Ska is Dead Tour on Sunday at the Troc. I can't wait, it's going to be so much fun. We're trying to get Dana-P to go with us. If you haven't heard ska music you are missing out on so much. Plus ska boys are such cuties!!

"I figured out what it is. Irish music!! It makes me puke!! It's like in my blood and I hear it and I just want to dance and it has to come out somehow."-steph on why she pukes at shows

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA sorry, I just had to put that in there because I think it's hilarious and it truly reflects the coolness level of my roommate.

I love my friends, there just aren't words to show how much, but they are my life. Without them I would be nothing.

Current mood: loved
Current music: Sunshine-Presidents of the United States of America
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2:50AM - "You don't know what you got til it's gone" unless you got good friends that will break it down.

It's 3 in the morning, or so very close. I just spent a few hours drinking with my roomie and Dana-P.

I really want to stay in Philly.

I can't leave the friends that I have come to love.

I can't leave everything that I know.

I can't leave my kick ass roomie and all our friends.

I don't know what to do, but I don't think I can leave and live with the consequences.

I just gotta figure it out. Because if I decide to stay then that's it. I can't turn back.

Current mood: drunk
Current music: nothin but the sound of my roomie talkin on the phone :D
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Sunday, April 25, 2004

9:07PM - I just want to know what to expect for once. Is that so much to ask?

Kick ass weekend, thanks to Dana-P. :D

Dana, Jill, and I went to hang out with Dana's friends. John, Matt, and Ben...they have their own band Polymer. They had this kick ass party. Well, let me go back to the beginning of the night, because I didn't think I was going to go anywhere let alone have as much fun as I did.

The original plans were for me and Bizzer and Jamie to hang out and drink with some of Bizzer's friends that were coming to visit. Anyway, something happened and I got excluded from that scenerio. So, I'm sitting here all bored thinkin my Saturday night was going to be quite a bust. When out of nowhere, Kevin calls me. He had seen me at the Battle of the Bands the night before and knew that Dana knew Polymer. See, he was trying to find their party, but they lost the address. I was kind of confused when Kevin called me cuz I had been smokin all day long so I really didn't know what was going on. Anyway, I didn't know where the party was at, but I did call Dana and it turns out she was going there. So I called Kevin back and told him I would call him when I got there. We get there, pay $3 (three kegs, jello shots, and liquor all for $3? Grandness!) So, I call Kevin and tell him the address and they all come up to meet us.

On the way there, Gerard, Gina, and Nick lost Kevin. Or in my opinion, he probably lost himself, because he's a crazy kid. So, it was kind of weird, but I was gettin pretty drunk so it didn't really matter. I ended up spending the entire night talking to Nick, which was really cool because we never really go to talk before. He's such a nice guy. It's weird though, because he's one of the room mates. Sometimes there is just this line that you don't cross, no matter how much you want to. I crossed it before, I refuse to do it again. I think a big part of it is Gerard though. I really liked him. A lot. I feel like they all have this impression of me that just isn't really true. When Gerard and Gina left I was talking to Nick, trying to convince him to not leave, because by this point I had lost Dana and Jill. Gerard gives me this weird look and was like Nick we're going to walk around the block, we'll be back. I really think he thought I was trying to hook up with Nick. Don't get me wrong. This kid is adorable and he's smart and funny and pretty much ideal as guys go, but there's like this line that, like I said, I just can't cross.

We were all outside for the most part and I was talking to this cute boy, Joe. In retrospect I really should have gotten his number. He was really cool and we like the same kind of music. The whole time I was talking to him I was leaning against Nick (and the doorbell too...hehehe). He was like touching my back with his hand and then when we moved to the other side of the doorway so that I didn't ring the bell anymore. Somehow we ended up hugging, not sure how it happened. But he was holding on to my arms that were around his waist and he was like awww you're hugging me and I was like nah, you're holding my arms and I can't go anywhere. So of course he let go and I went to let go, but then he grabbed my arms again. When we finally left we walked down the street and he kept putting his arm around me and he kept like hugging me while we are walking down the street. He wanted me to go to their house to sleep but I didn't want to because it's just weird. I knew all of them would look at me like I did something and I didn't.

We ended up sitting on this bench talking for so long. Mostly about how sometimes you just need to get away from the comfort level of knowing everything so that you can find yourself. I also told him that Kevin and Gerard had a part in me leaving. It's just so comfortable to talk to him, I found myself saying things that I didn't even know were part of everything. We both kind of fell asleep, but we woke up a little later and went in search of a place to sleep. We finally found a building on campus that wasn't locked and went inside and fell asleep curled up together on a couch. When we finally woke up, we decided to get going, me to the bus and him home to sleep. I gave him my number, I'm not really sure why. Not because I really wanted anything from him, even though I kept getting the feeling that he liked me, but more because he really listens when you talk. I told Gerard that he's a really nice guy. I think he took it the wrong way, I just meant, Nick is a really nice guy, but then again, everyone that knows him, knows that he's a really nice guy. Something is developing in my mind, a picture of him looking over his glasses with that smile on his face. Damn, that probably means that I could end up in trouble.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I really want to leave and find myself, but at the same time I long for the comfort of the familiar. I need something more, but I don't want to give up everything I already have. For once I would just like to see the black and white and make my own grey area to live in. I just want to be able to know, just for once.

Seeing as how I went out Friday and Saturday and slept most of today, tomorrow is going to be so much fun as I try to study for my finals.

Current mood: relaxed
Current music: Miss You Love-Silverchair
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Saturday, April 24, 2004

6:59PM

Last night was pretty cool. I got to hang out with Dana. She's Steph's roomie from last year. We went to the Drexel Battle of the Bands. We pre-gamed a little before we left so that by the time the cab got to Dana's apartment, we were really buzzing. Dana's friend Jill came with us. Our cab driver kicked so much ass. He got a nice tip and gave Jill his card for the next time she needed a cab. Cool ass cab driver. We got there late, so we missed Dana's friend John's band, Polymer. If it means anything we were listening to their cd when we were pre-gaming. I ran into Kevin and Gina. A very slightly intoxicated Kevin and a slightly confused looking Gina. They had went to the Battle with Nick, but left to go to the bar (without Nick) because "We were'nt drunk enough" or so Kevin said. Anyway, they left without having found Nick.

Not sure what's up for tonight. I think Bizzer and Jamie might bail on me to hang out with Bizzer's friends. Which is cool with me I guess. I just wanna chill here and drink some beer. I just hope they can get me some. I might try to go out with Dana and Lindsey tonight, Lindsey told me that last night cuz we all never get to hang out anymore. To bad Steph went home, she would have had so much fun last night. And we probably could have convinced her to go out tonight. I don't know what I'm going to do without her next year. She's such a kick ass friend and roomie. Yeah, sometimes she drives me crazy, but I know I drive her crazy right back.

Current mood: calm
Current music: Ana's Song (Open Fire)-Silver Chair
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Thursday, April 22, 2004

4:18PM - I spent more time throwing up during class then I spent in class.

I woke up this morning with a pounding headache and this great feeling of needing to puke. By great feeling I mean large...not grand or wonderful or even cool. Did I mention it's the last day of classes today? Well, it was so I drug myself to class even though the entire time I was waiting for the bus and the entire time I was on the bus I thought my insides were going to explode all over wonderful SEPTA. Which made me start to think about what would really happen if I puked on the bus. I never did really figure it out. But, I did think it would be kind of funny. So I drag myself off the bus and continue up Spring Garden. By the time I make it to school I'm super sick and ready to throw up everywhere. Somehow I manage to make it through like ten minutes of class before I decide, or well actually my stomach decided, that I can't put off throwing up any longer. As I'm standing in the bathroom throwing my guts up I start thinking that maybe I should have just stayed home, but I go back to class. The only reason I came to class was to get my paper because we had to make corrections and hand it back in on Tuesday. So I wait a little longer and think that I'm starting to get better when all of a sudden I get back up and trek back to the bathroom. It's around this time that I decide I'm not sticking around for my second class. After NOT getting my paper back and trying to find my second prof. to tell her I wouldn't be in class, without any luck and another trip to the bathroom. Then I walked to the bus stop feeling like death the entire way then rode the bus back thinking with every bump and turn that I was going to find out first hand what happened when someone puked on the bus....luckily for me and everyone on the bus, we didn't find that out today. I just drug myself out of bed and took some pills to releave my pounding head, although I still have one.

Anyway, I feel a little less sick now. Me and Steph were talking about going to get chinese food tonight and she asked me if I would be able to eat it without gettin sick. I told her I would eat it and love it and not get sick. I wouldn't allow my body to reject good chinese food. I drank some tea and ate some toast....I feel alright, just this pounding headache.

This guy I know just told me that I could get a job working for him as a secretary making like $14 an hour...Monday-Friday, 8am-5pm. Damn, that would be a sweet job, you might say. The only thing is I'm not sure if he's being 100% serious about it and he said I couldn't start working till June. That leaves a whole month with no work. But if he is serious then I could probably work like over my breaks from school and stuff and hopefully come back and work for him next summer. That would give me a killing of money.

But, I think he's lying cuz he's a liar.

So, I don't really know.

Current mood: drained
Current music: Waiting for My Ruca-Sublime
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Wednesday, April 21, 2004

11:47AM - Yesterday was April 20th, today is April 21st.

So, yesterday being April 20th might not really mean that much of anything to you......UNLESS you smoke up. It's a day to wear your tyedye and Bob Marley shirts with pride and walk around with red eyes and a dazed expression on your face. It's a day when everyone can free their inner hippie and just love the world. The funny thing about April 20th......or 4/20 as it is so fondly refered to as, is that 4/20 is what the police say over their radio when there is a marijuana crime in progress. So one could say that for one day a year all us pot heads get together and smoke up to celebrate the cops. Thanks guys, without you we wouldn't have 4/20!!!

(As for my 4/20, I am very deeply disappointed to say that for the first time in like five years, I didn't get to smoke up. I'm broke=I'm in college. DEPRESSING!!)

And now today is April 21st. April 21st is in fact INCUBUS DAY! Well, that's at least what Bizzer tells me. Song of the day is Room 421 (it's also the reason....hehehehe) I'm not really sure how you celebrate Incubus day, but let us say that I am listening to all Incubus today.

*****

Oh Lord, well I thought things were going alright. Everytime I think that though some crazy shit happens to make it all spin out of control. Why can't people take a hint and just leave me alone? One would think that if I was ignoring you or being a bitch to you then you would just knock it off and LEAVE ME ALONE! But, unfortunately for me, some people just can't get it apparently.

It seems like once I make bad things go away and I'm happy, something always has to come along and threaten to fuck things up all over again. I mean, I know that's how life works, but seriously. sigh.

*****

School is almost over. It's so close. I just wish that my finals were tomorrow instead of next tuesday. Then I could really relax and enjoy the weekend. Not that I don't usually do that anyway. But, it would just kick so much more ass to be done tomorrow instead of having to study this weekend.

I'm out of things to say.

Current mood: good
Current music: Circles-Incubus (It's all Incubus today!!!)
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Monday, April 19, 2004

12:35PM - Summertime, when the living's easy.....

It's almost summer!!! Damn having to take classes. But yea for gettin a job....ummm, well when I finally get one, it will be yea.

This is how the week shall go...
Monday-print out my paper because it's all done!!
Tuesday-hand in paper, last day of geography class (thankfully)
Wednesday-umm, not sure yet maybe studyin for finals??
Thursday-Last philosophy class, gettin paper back and making corrections
PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!
Next Tuesday-Two finals and handin paper back in
THEN I AM DONE FOR THE SEMESTER!!!!!

*PLUS!*
(oh life is soooooo soooo wonderful right now!)
Sugar Ray at TLA April 29th
Ska is Dead Tour at the Troc on May 2nd
then
Warped Tour at Pittsburgh AND Hershey
including, but not limited to....The Eyeliners, Flogging Molly, LARS FREDERIKSEN & the BASTARDS!!!!, The Aquabats, The Planet Smashers.....it's going to be a good good time, let me tell you.

There isn't much else to tell, this weekend was quite the bust and we didn't do a damn thing. Now Bizzer is coming to visit and we're goin to cause some trouble. Hopefully we can salvage tomorrow, although it would be a miracle.

Current mood: amused
Current music: The Great and Wonderful music of Bob Marley & The Wailers!
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Thursday, April 15, 2004

12:07PM - I love sublime.

Well, I'm supposed to be in class right now, but I'm not. And I'm supposed to be writing my philosophy paper to make myself feel less guilty about missing class, but I'm not doing that either. Oh well. I'll get to it I swear.

Easter was pretty cool. Well, actually the holiday was like most holidays at my house, practically nonexistant. I'm getting a little bit more used to that one. I mean it's still weird, but I just have to accept it. My mom hardly ever even cooks a special meal anymore. But I guess she works to much to care about things like that. It was nice to go home and hang out with all my friends. Well, some of them. Some of them really pissed me off. See one of my friends almost OD-ed over spring break and he went to rehab for like three weeks or something and now he's out. And some of my friends keep giving him drugs and shit like that. I mean this kid was almost dead. Actually I thought he was dead that night and they keep doing that shit. Fuck that. It needs to stop. But other than that little bit of shit, the weekend was a blast. I drank so much beer, it was great. Oh and we just smoked and smoked. Wonderful times.

Bizzer is talking to me and Jamies again. She just started I guess. I'm not sure what happened, but it's alright with me. Things are getting back to normal, I guess. And even if they aren't, I'm going to keep smiling and be happy. School is almost over, it's so close.

I got an IM this morning and it made me smile. How come you can make me smile like that and not really even do anything? I'm glad we're friends again.

Sigh.

I better get this paper started so I can enjoy my weekend. But, first I'm going to smoke a cigarette. Just gotta put it off a little longer. :)

Current mood: giggly
Current music: Scarlet Begonias-Sublime
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Thursday, April 8, 2004

3:00AM - You made my night.

Well, I guess I jumped the gun. I said I hadn't talked to you in a while and tonight you IM-ed me and surprised me. Thanks. It was nice to actually talk like we used too. Although you don't need to stress the hanging out "as friends" part. I miss the friends part more than any other thing we were. And yes we definately need to hang out sometime and catch up on things. This is the way things used to be. Staying up late talking to you about everything...music, our families, what we want for the future. Thank you. You made my night. Now as long as we keep in touch this time. I say we can as long as we avoid crossing into the realm of being anything more than friends. That's what messed us up all the times before. It's good to know that you have been thinking about me and I have been thinking about you. That's all for now. Just know there is a smile on my face tonight and it's because of you.

Current mood: happy
Current music: KRS-One -Sublime
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12:14AM - Just another day....

So, I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying to not care about how things have turned out. I'm trying to not care that I lost a good friend and I'm trying to not think about you saying we weren't real friends. But, how do you forget that? A part of me just wants to talk to you again and forget it all, but I don't know if that is a good idea. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's a bad idea. Steph said that if we do start talking, we have to bring up this. And honestly, I don't think you care that much. I feel like you think you didn't do anything wrong. That's hard for me to understand. I would love to hear how you justify calling me, Jamie, and Steph not your "real" friends. Maybe then I could let it go.

*****
I'm going home tomorrow for Easter break. I'm so excited. I can't wait to see all my friends from home and to escape the drama here. It's been a while since I have had a chill night with my hometown homies. I really can't wait to just go back to porch parties with Melissa, Heidi, and Keith. And I can't wait to drive around with Caity and Justin. And just chill with Connor and Dylan and everyone else. It will be a nice relaxing weekend. Well, actually it will be busy, busy, busy because that's always how it is when I go home. Trying to make time to see everyone and calling people and running from one place to another. But, it is relaxing to me. It's nice to always have somewhere to go even if I'm going there just to sit around and talk with my friends. It's so nice to feel that love that we all have for each other. You know? That comfort level that nothing can touch. Plus I get to see MOMO and John-o. That is always so great.

Me: I can't wait to go home. I get to drink all weekend with Melissa and Keith. I wish you could come with me.
Steph: Yeah, well I get to go home and go to church with my family.

Hahaha. Seriously, we are just to cool for words sometimes. I can't even fuck with that.

Man, next year I'm going to miss Steph so much. She really has become a very good friend of mine. I know that we will stay in touch though. For a long, long time to come. I just know it. And that feeling makes me feel great. There are definately other people from here that I am going to keep in touch with, like Daynola...I love that girl. She's a blast. I'm excited about next year though. Scared and nervous, but excited just the same. It's going to be fun. Especially since I'm pretty sure Dylan is going to go there too. We will most likely have so much fun.

All I have to do is make it through classes tomorrow, then I get to go home. Plus I get to cash my check, so I will have some money for the weekend. Oh, the weekend. I'm so excited. Although I can't go to sleep. I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa. Another problem maybe that I think my insomnia from freshman year is coming back. Because for some reason I can't sleep till like 4 in the morning every night no matter how tired I am.

That is because I think about things to much. I overanalyze everything. Especially this whole fight. I even find myself thinking about things that I thought I was over already. Apparently I'm not. I did a good job convincing myself that I was over it though. Because I was really confused when I started thinking about it again. I just don't understand why after the way he treated me I just can't forget about him. I think a big part of it is because I'm losing a friend. Actually two. Both of you told me we were friends and now neither of you talk to me. I mean I guess I could talk to you, but it's hard for me. I feel like whenever we do talk it's just so forced. Did you guys forget about me? I didn't forget either of you. I miss it. Oh well. Things change and people change. And we all drifted apart. Maybe some day we will get that back. Like I said, Oh well.

Current mood: bouncy
Current music: Swing, Swing-All American Rejects
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Wednesday, April 7, 2004

7:43PM

I feel this incredible need to write. But I don't know what to write about. I feel like it would make me feel so much better if I wrote. I feel like I'm going crazy. So much is going on and I can't control or fix any of it. And honestly it's driving me crazy. I just really need to get out of here and this drama, but I know when I go home there will be all this other drama to deal with. Drama is a part of life, but I can't deal with it right now. I'm losing it. I feel like there should be things that I can do even though I know it's out of my reach.

*sigh*

I don't know what to do. I'm going crazy. Whatever.

Current mood: aggravated
Current music: i got...nothing
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Tuesday, April 6, 2004

1:40PM - *Some day we will look back on all this and plow into a parked car.*

People suck.

Myself included.

It's so fucking lame the way all of us are acting. I feel like shit because of it too. Like, can't we all just look at how we are acting and see how fucking pathetic we are being. How petty and fucked up?

Like I said, people suck. And trust me, I know that I'm included in that. I'm probably the only one that can look at my actions and know that it's sucky and pathetic. I was trying so hard to be the mature one. I just couldn't deal with it anymore and instead of like saying something I just started acting the same damn way. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. That's exactly what I DIDN'T want to happen. But, I guess I'm just being lame.

It hurts though. It hurts for someone to imply that you are a bad friend and to say that they don't have any real friends in Philly. That all their real friends are in Pittsburgh. When I know in my heart that I tried so hard to be there for you and you only shut me out. Hell yeah, you probably do have better friends in Pittsburgh because they can actually help you because you actually tell them what's wrong. But never did I try to ignore you the way you have been and never did I try to purposefully be a bitch to you. But you fucking hurt me, saying shit about how you don't have real friends here. You hurt me and jamies both....and steph. Do you care? Probably not. I don't think you even believe that you were in the wrong saying that shit. But you know what? It's real funny that now you are super pissed off. You got what you said you already had....NO FRIENDS in Philly. Can you deal with that? We were close all year. You practically lived here. Do you forget that?

Don't try and make yourself the victim here. You brought this on yourself. I can't believe that you expect us to kiss you ass after the way you acted and after how you treated us. I could have dealed with you not telling me what is going on and why you are so upset with everything. But I'm not going to kiss your ass while you say how none of us are your real friends. How can you say that? What the fuck did we ever do to you for you to feel that way. If we did something just fucking come out and say it. Don't cop out and hide saying we aren't real friends. Maybe you can't deal with the fact that we won't put up with your shit anymore. I'm not going to sit around and cater to you and try to make you feel better when you don't even consider me a real friend. I'm not playing those games. I didn't put up with that shit when I was in high school, I'm not about to start now that I am fucking 20 years old. I'm over the constant drama. I can't help you if you don't let me and I don't want to help you anymore. You don't consider me a real friend? Whatever. Don't expect me to kiss your ass and come crying to you. You hurt me. And I don't think you really care. That's kind of pathetic.

I care that what I said bothered you. I care that I wasn't more mature about things and that I resorted to playing your games. I'm done with that shit. I'm just going to enjoy the last few weeks of school here with my friends and then I'm going to go home for the summer and enjoy those months with my friends there and then I'm going to go to Cal U of PA and make friends and enjoy my time there and stay in touch with my friends from both home and Philly and enjoy the rest of my life knowing that all of them matter to me in very different ways. But I'll love them all. And I won't ever treat anyone the way you treated me and Jamies and I will never act the way I acted the other day. I will talk to my friends when I have problems and I will talk to their faces. I won't attack them over AIM like you did.

Steph wants to have an intervention. She didn't really get that much of anything out of this pseudo-fight. Like you didn't really attack her, thankfully, because she did even less than me or Jamies. She wants to try and make everything okay. If she makes the effort to get all of us in the same place and talking about things, then I will be there and try to work it out. But I'm not going to be the one to iniciate it. Fuck that. I mean, that's a bad mentality to have, but I'm not kissing your ass. I already said that. I'm not going to let you walk all over me and treat me like an asshole and then try to fix it and make things "all better." I can't deal with that. People need to take responsiblity for their actions. Maybe that means I should step up. In fact, if I want to be the bigger person I need to step up. But, I don't know if it's worth it. Is it?

Alright so I'm going to set some guidelines up for growing the fuck up and getting over the petty high school drama that I just can't get away from. Feel free to comment and add on the the existing rules.

1. Get over feeling like you are better than a specific person or everyone in general. No one is really that cool, so stop thinking that you are better or more important. Chances are you are just insecure about things and putting other people down makes you feel better. That's real lame.

2. Make your friends based on personality and content of their character not on paychecks and content of their wallets and/or wardrobes. Don't be friends with someone simply because they can give you more than someone else, materialistically. A true friend can give you more than just money and bullshit things that really don't mean anything in the long wrong.

3. If you have a problem or they do something that bothers you call them on it. Tell them to their face. This does not include attacking them and making them feel like shit. We all have little things we do that irritate our friends. True friends accept that and know that these little things make you unique.

4. Listen to your friends and don't ever make them feel like they don't matter. If something is bothering them, they most likely have a legitamate reason for being upset. And in the case that you know they are out of line, listen to them anyway. And tell them how you feel. Don't have onesided conversations, that gets you nowhere.

5. Don't talk shit on one friend to another friend. Eventually it will get back to them. And if you do talk shit on them, don't be surprized when they confront you and punch you in your face because you acted like a fucking bitch.

6. Don't play the victim. Most likely both sides are to blame. Don't delude yourself into thinking you are never in the wrong. That irrates people and is inappropriate. And even if you aren't in the wrong, don't go into the situation thinking that makes you better than someone. You always need to hear the other side of the story.

7. Open up to your friends, especially if you are feeling shitty and acting in a way that conveys that feeling. And if you don't want to tell your friends what is wrong don't mope around acting like life is so hard. Hell yeah it's hard. That's life. But your friends are there to help you and make it better, if you let them. Understand that very few people can read your mind and you shouldn't expect them too.

8. Have conversations, not arguements. You accomplish very little when you attack someone and that gets them on edge and makes them not want to open up. It's easier to fix things if you know what's going on.

9. Don't act like a whore and try to have sex with all your friends' guy friends. If you like one of them, base it on something more than a physical attraction. Think about it a lot before you try to date them too. Girls are very protective of their guy friends and if you fuck the guy over or hurt them, that's going to come back on your friendship. This also applies to brothers, cousins, ex-boyfriends, crushes, etc. How would you feel if it was the other way around? If it's not worth losing a friend over, and it never should be, then just stay away and don't fuck with it.

10. Realize that you are grown up and more mature than you were in middle school. So all those little games you played then, need to end. Today. Right now. So fucking stop it already. Personally I'm really embarrassed that I ever acted the way I did when I was in middle school. You can't change the past, but just understand that those types of actions have no place in the real world.

11. Don't treat your friends like shit. I mean, I shouldn't have to feel the need to write this one, but sometimes people forget that friends are people you like to be around, not people that make you feel better about yourself.

12. If someone tells you something in confidence don't go blabbing it to everyone and anyone that will listen. That one doesn't need any futher explantion than that. Just don't do it.

If you want to neglect these basic ideas and treat people like shit, don't expect them to kiss your ass and act like everything is peachy keen. Most likely they are going to get sick of putting up with the bullshit and tell you to fuck off. It's usually around this time that you realize how good of friends you were and it's hard to fix that. It will always be weird.

Also, if you have a bad friend or they are just bringing the constant drama and you don't want to confront them then stop hanging out with them. You gain nothing from hanging on to a friendship that makes you miserable. If you want to make it work, confront them. Don't think that one day they are going to wake up and think "Wow, there are times I suck as a friend, maybe I should change." If you expect change speak up.

While punching someone in the face is usually a good solution because it brings them down a few levels and makes them realize they aren't the most important thing in the world, this approach is usually a bad idea. It generally leads to worse consequences, such as possible jail time and assault charges. Sometimes, when all else fails, physically knocking some sense into someone is the only alternative. But practice discretion when employing this tactic. I am in no way condoning physical violence against another person.

Alright, well after writing all that. I want Steph's intervention idea to happen. At least that way, all parties involved can feel like we at least gave it a try. And I can stop feeling so petty. Like I said, I'm taking my blame. Can you guys do that too? I guess we will have to see.

Yeah, we'll just have to see.

Current mood: okay
Current music: Take It Or Leave It-The Strokes
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Monday, April 5, 2004

4:57AM - I'm just about sick of this shit.

I'm sick of the people here. I'm sick of trying real hard and getting nothing in return. I need to run away from here. I'm about to just leave and say fuck it all. Some of you I love dearly and I could never replace and would never want to ever try to. But, there are a few of you that I just don't care for at the moment. I'm sick of bending over backwards to help you guys through shit and getting nothing in return. Don't get me wrong, I know that friends help each other out. That's just how it goes. I have no problem helping you all out. But, when you treat me like shit and walk all over me when all I want is to be there for you, that's where I draw the line. I try so hard to make the last few weeks we have together a good time, but ya know what? I'm through. From now on, I'm taking Dana's advice and doing stuff for myself. I'm done tiptoeing around and putting out all this effort when no one cares. And if you don't like that, well honestly you should have thought about that before you fucked me over. I'm done with all the petty shit. I'm not in high school anymore. I'm 20 years old, the drama is boring me. I'm over it. Seriously. If you wanna act like the world is attacking you, go ahead. Just don't come crying to me anymore. I try to listen, but you all make me feel like shit. So, right now, I'm done. I'm done being walked all over and I'm done putting out all this effort to make everyone happy. Am I happy? No. Then why should I care if you are happy? You're just making me miserable.

I thought we were friends. I guess I was mistaken.

You can't make other people happy. I used to think that good friends listened and tried to make it all go away. Now I realize that you never wanted that from me. You just wanted to be unhappy and miserable. And you are making me fucking crazy and very fucking pissed off. None of what is bothering you is my problem. If you won't tell me then what am I supposed to do? And you pretty much implied that I wouldn't understand and that I'm not as important as your old friends. Makes me feel like you just hang out with us all because you are stuck here and have nothing better to do. You know what? Find something else to do and other people to listen to you bitch. I'm over it.

Fucking over it.

From now on, I'm not putting up with the petty high school mentality. I'm over the bullshit. I'm over the drama. I'm done with it. Obviously I'm not good enough for you, no matter how hard I try. I can deal with that. Just leave me alone. Don't come around like everything is fine. It's not fine.

Current mood: angry
Current music: Normal Like You-Everclear
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Saturday, April 3, 2004

4:44PM - I'm sick of kissing people's asses and tiptoeing around other people. so fuck it.

It's hard for me to understand what the hell is going on, when you don't open up and just fuckin tell me. In fact, it's hard for any of us to help you. Which makes me think that you don't really want us to help you or that there really isn't anything even wrong with you.

I can't deal with the constant drama.

I have decided that Philadelphia is lame and that I can't wait to leave this place. (The problem is that I'm having mixed feelings about leaving my friends. Who wouldn't? I love them all to death, just know that I WILL be back, you aren't gettin rid of me that easily.)

I'm so pissed right now. I can't even deal with the fuckin bullshit anymore. I just want to run away and not have to deal with the petty annoying highschool bullshit. Why can't people just grow up?

I'm sick of tiptoeing around you...tryin to not say something that is going to make you sad or pissed off...I shouldn't have to worry about that.

I'm sick of kissing your ass and trying to be the very best friend when you aren't even telling me what's wrong.

I'm sick of you acting like a little baby about things. Just deal with it like the rest of us.

I'm sick of feeling like I'm an asshole because I can't make things better for you.

I'm sick of these fuckin games....

I'm really sick of just sitting here and putting up with all of it.

So....

FUCK IT. Yeah, that's right...I said FUCK IT.

Current mood: pissed off
Current music: Have You Ever-Incubus
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Thursday, April 1, 2004

4:49PM

I got nothin for ya here. Sorry.

Current mood: bored
Current music: Summerland-Everclear
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Wednesday, March 31, 2004

3:27PM - It's just some lyrics....

MISS YOU LOVE
~Silverchair

Millionaire say
Got a big shot deal
And thrown it all away but
But I'm not too sure how I'm supposed to feel
Or what I'm supposed to say but

I'm not, not sure
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
And I miss you love

Make room for the prey
Cause I'm coming in
With what I wanna say but
It's gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate but

I'm not, not sure
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
Like the one that just passed
In the crowds of all the people

Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back
It's just a fad
Part of the... teen... teenage angst brigade and

I'm not, not sure
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
Like the one that just passed
In the crowds of all the people

Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back

DO YOU FEEL THE SAME?
~Silverchair
Moon covered
Determined to find
To find my place of hiding
Try to detach
Try to decrease
To make it easier on me
Despise myself for what you've done
Sent me back into my world
Hold yourself cause no one will
I'll make it easier

Now I have managed to be the one
To be the victim without the gun

Do you feel the same anyway
Now you've come

Stay alert cos I'm obsessed
Surely I can't be depressed
Could I be read if I was see-through
Or would you just read my spine

Now I have managed to be the one
To be the victim without the gun

Do you feel the same anyway
Now you've come

Hold yourself cos no one will
I'll be there to take the spill
Cleanse your soul change the tide
And ride the wave back into me

Current mood: cynical
Current music: 3 A.M.-Matchbox 20
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2:15PM - And everyone knows that something's wrong, but no body knows what's going on

So, I was applying to Cal U the other day. I think I convinced Dylan to go there...he likes what they offer and he said it was cheaper than any other school he was looking at. So, Go Me if I got Dylan to go there. He's a cool kid. Younger than me, but cool just the same and if I can get more people to go with me, the easier it will be for me. See, I think that people look at me and think that I make friends easily and that I'm just this happy go lucky, bubbly girl....I try to be, but I'm really not. I don't deal well with change, that's what my mom tells me and I guess she would know better than anyone seeing as how she's been around all my 20 long years of life. I just have these fears of not having friends and of being alone. Probably a little more than I really should, since there really isn't anything wrong with me and I can make friends and connect with people. And once I make friends, I'm there for them, no matter what. So, this is probably some deeply routed psychological problem....maybe centered around my parents splitting up?

I haven't talked about my parents in a long, long time. Actually, I never really talked that much about it. Like there are times when I will vent about it and how my dad walked out on us and fucked all of us up. But I never really talk about how it makes me feel. I think part of me never really forgave my dad and part of me never will forgive him completely. But at the same time, it's like, he's my dad no matter what. Ya know? But, it's hard, because he walked out on my family...he left my mom after 25 years because he had an affair. And I feel like a traitor when I talk to him. I don't want to hurt my mom because she stayed...she didn't run away like he did. And now, he really wants me to come home and live with him over the summer and you know even if I really wanted to, I could NEVER do that because it would destroy my mom.

I keep saying that I don't wanna live with him. And a big part of me doesn't. But a small part of me would like to see my dad on a more regular basis. Is that bad? Does that make me a horrible person? It probably doesn't make me terrible, but it sure as hell feels like I'm a sucky person. My dad is different than my mom though. My momo is fabulous and so much fun. And she can talk about anything. She is so determined and loving and wonderful. My dad is conservative and very business-esque...probably because he works for the state. But they are both my parents and their blood flows through me. Parts of each of them are in me and I should be able to talk to both of them without feeling like an asshole.

I have had this sickness for like two to three weeks. And today me and Bizzer decided there is a plague going around, because my little brother called me to tell me he is sick now. I told him to make sure my mom takes him to the doctor because like I said, I've been sick and I'm still sick. See I can't go to the doctor because I don't have medical insurance right now. I'm supposed to be on my dad's medical, but I'm not because I'm not a full time student because I got fucked over when I registered for classes. So I told Bizzer that I can't go to the doctor so I will die for everyone else to live...kind of like a ghetto jesus. She thought it was amusing.

That reminds me of Tanisha. This girl came to class high the other day and stood in front of me asking me if I could tell. Can I tell when you are standing there laughing for no reason...umm yeah hunny I can tell. We also had a map quiz (I hate geography class...makes me feel like my 20 year old self is in middle school all over again, but like I said, I got fucked over when I registered for classes). So usually I print out a map and we just cheat because it's such a pointless class. So anyway, I start telling the slightly stoned Tanisha how I got my map because my printer is out of color ink and for some fucked up reason it won't print anything even if it's black and white. And how I got my map was by tracing it off my computer screen, which doesn't sound that amazing. The funny part is that my tracing paper was to think and I couldn't see through it to trace the islands. So, resourceful me uses a plastic baggie and then I trace the map from the baggie onto the tracing paper. Tanisha starts cracking up and goes..."Damn, you are the Lara Croft of the projects." Which in turn cracks me up, which cracks her up even more. So we take our quiz and she hands her paper in and like gets stuck at the front of the room and just starts cracking up. She makes her way back to her seat and looks at me and is like "Sarah, don't let me leave my seat again til class is over." Which I didn't. Even though there were some more times when she just started cracking up for no reason while we were taking notes. It was amusing.

BLOOD ON THE GROUND
~Incubus
I don't want to talk to you anymore
I'm afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue everytime you come around
Cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground
Hand over my heart I swear I've tried everything I could
Within all my power two weeks and one hour
I slaved and now I've got nothing to show
Oh if only you'd grow taller than a brick wall
From now on I'm gonna start holding my breath
When you come around and you flex that fake grin
Cause something inside of me has said more than twice
That breathing less air beats breathing you at all
I don't want to talk to you anymore
I'm afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue everytime you come around
Cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground
Hand over my mouth I'm earning the right to my silence
In quiet discerning between ego and timing
Good judgement is once again proving to me that it's
Still worth it's weight in gold
From now on I'm gonna be so much more wary
When you start to speak and my warm blood starts to boil
That seeing you is like pulling teeth
And hearing your voice is like chewing tin foil
I don't want to talk to you anymore
I'm afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue everytime you come around
Cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground
High fives to a better judgement
By saying less today I will gain more
Low twos to you my fickle friend
Who brought the art of silent war

I thought we were friends. Didn't you make that perfectly clear that you still wanted to be friends? Yeah, well I heard that before. I just thought that you were different. I thought I knew you well enough to know that you were telling me the truth. But obviously I didn't know you well enough to know that you were lying. And you know what is really fucked up about it? I still wish we talked...I actually miss you. Not in that way, just in a friendly we can talk about like practically anything but you threw it away for some fucked up reason. That makes me feel like we were never realy friends. Makes me feel like shit actually. Why am I always so niave? Why can't I just learn that people lie and let you down and don't give it a second thought?

I always think about that night. When I just wanted to hang out with you and you blew me off only to call me later for a fuckin drunken hookup. And then you had the nerve to freak out on me? Why? Because you are kind of sort of seeing this girl? Fuck you. I just wanted to talk to you, to cuddle with you. I'm not a whore...I wasn't going to have sex with you. I didn't need that drama at 4 in the morning after I had been drinking since like 8 or something. I just wanted to hang out. You make it seem like it's my fault. Like I made you call me, or like me, or whatever. And then you have the nerve to say that I shouldn't have let you kiss me. Umm, I did like you. Why would I not let you kiss me? I wanted that at that time more than anything in the world and now I wish it hadn't happened.

Do you know what this has done to me? I'm so fucked up now. And a big part of it is because of you. You may not think that's fair, but is it fair for me to feel so shitty all the time? It took me so long to forget about you in that way. And it took all of everything that I had in me to not let myself feel like total and absolute shit that night. But, now everyday I think about it. And wonder why I just wasn't good enough for you. I don't want you anymore, I don't hold you up that high anymore. How could I? I wasn't good enough to be your girlfriend and now I'm not good enough to be even your friend. Do you remember when we used to talk till the early early morning about absolutely nothing? Or when you asked me for my number because you said that you couldn't go all Christmas break without talking to me? Don't I matter at all? Fuck that.

I just thought you were better than that. I thought both of us were mature enough to put that shit behind us and just focus on being friends. I guess it was all just bull shit. Whatever.

Current mood: lonely
Current music: Miss You Love-Silverchair
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1:37AM - Sometimes nothing matters

Do you ever get the feeling that nothing is going to work out? That no matter how much you try to paste that smile on your face and choke out the laughter it never goes deeper than that? I'm broken and I don't know what to do about it. I'm not really sure what's wrong with me, but I would have to say that there is definately something going on inside my mind. It's called going crazy. I'm almost positive.

I haven't been the same since I came to college. I mean, in the beginning maybe I was normal and the same person I had been...but something happened. And I think I know what it was. It destroyed me. No, destroy is a bad word, it just changed me and changed how I think about things and how I view the world and myself. I don't know how to fix that either.

I have been sick for like 2-3 weeks. My mom thinks I'm nervous. She also thinks I'm depressed. Maybe I'm both. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe.

I'm slowly drifting right back to where I was before. Things were going so good and I was so happy. Then all of a sudden bad things start happening and these feelings of being worthless just keep creaping to the surface. I feel like things are just bottling up inside me and that sooner or later I'm just going to explode. It's not that no one cares. Because when I get like this everyone asks me what's wrong. The problem is I don't really know what's going on in my mind and even when I do know what's wrong I don't really feel like talking about it. It makes me feel lame. Like a total loser. And that can't be good for my less than stable state of mind.

So, I try to walk away. I try to forget and to live my life like it's perfect and whole and complete and NOT driving me crazy. When on the inside I know it's eating me up and driving me crazy. This just can't be healthy. I wonder if anyone else ever feels this lost and crazy. I just don't know what to do. Or how to make it stop.

I keep thinking about the past. And all the things I fucked up and can't fix...and all the things I have no control over and all the things I can't change. It's overwhelming. I mean, maybe I think to much and I worry about things that I can't do anything about and that can't be healthy....but I don't know how to make it stop.

I wake up and think how bad the day is going to go. I think about how much I wish that I could just spend the rest of the day in bed because it would eliminate so much heartache.

I'm trying hard to be excited about things. But honestly, I can't wait to leave here and forget the bad times and just start over. A new chance at things. Maybe that will make things easier. Or at least I can pretend that it makes it easier.

There is to much going on in my head for me to make sense.

You should make amends with you
if only for better health, better health-Incubus

Current mood: depressed
Current music: Brick-Ben Folds Five
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